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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another Christmas dinner one...

226 replies

Piccalino3 · 17/12/2019 11:12

A sense check please...

One of my husbands family members is coming to us on Christmas Eve afternoon and wants to stay for Christmas lunch the next day. She needs to leave at 3.30pm on Christmas Day to get to one of her relatives as she's getting a lift and there's no transport, it's far away.

We always have a really relaxed Christmas morning and a big breakfast with baileys etc. I have 3 young children and feel constantly stressed with timings and rushing around etc so I really don't want to feel stressed on Christmas Day knowing I have to have dinner on the table at 2pm or she won't get a chance to eat. We often eat at 4 or 5pm or whenever dinner is ready. It's nice and relaxed and I enjoy it.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I've asked my husband to sort it weeks ago but there's not really any options unless she doesn't eat with us. I just wanted one day to relax and enjoy myself without the constant pressure of clock watching. I do everything for Christmas, so annoyed that my husband just doesn't seem to get it. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Ultimately I'll likely end up sucking it up and being resentful.

OP posts:
ConstanceL · 18/12/2019 11:38

OP have you actually spoken to your stepdaughter about this? She may not really be all that bothered about having Christmas dinner after your special breakfast. Although if one of your children in future years had this timing issue, I'm sure you would manage to make sure the dinner was ready in time to accommodate their plans - so really it is your husband's responsibility to make sure his daughter doesn't miss out (if she doesn't want to miss out).

MalarkeyMouse · 18/12/2019 12:47

FlowersFlowers OP.

If you have a baby you must be exhausted. Can you cut corners with the Christmas lunch and keep your special breakfast? I.e. Tesco and M&S are doing prepared veg this year - all clean and chopped - all coming in one big pack. Get stuffing balls, pigs in blankets already done. Buy the gravy and brandy butter pre-made. I honestly don't think anyone would notice and you still get your breakfast. Ask DH and DSD to lay table the night before.

Dustarr73 · 18/12/2019 13:04

So if she comes every other year,she knows dinner is at 5.So whats changed this year?

JacobReesClunge · 18/12/2019 13:57

I don't think it's selfishness to not want to prioritise the wishes of someone who's nearly 30. You didn't help yourself at all with the drip feed, but even after full disclosure some of the replies BillieEilish have taken a turn for the batshit. Of course children of the family should be included and made welcome, but she's nearly in her fourth decade. There does come a point where there's no reason to make them a priority.

Swirlygirl · 18/12/2019 14:07

aSofaNearYou absolutely !

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 18/12/2019 15:05

Spoke to DH and gave him the options of doing the majority of the cooking and prep himself, driving stepdaughter to her mums after dinner or coming up with a different solution. He chose to ask her if she'd go to her mums the following day and he could take her. He's supposed to be sorting it today but we'll see. If he doesn't I'm going to call her myself!

I think this thread has helped me to see that I need to stop facilitating him so much. I doubt the stepdaughter has even considered that it would be more of a rush for me.

OP posts:
JacobReesClunge · 18/12/2019 15:14

I'm astounded that he isn't up for cooking...

gamerchick · 18/12/2019 15:16

Don't call her. Tell him if he does nothing then you'll assume he's doing the cooking. Don't keep reminding him, he's a grown up and can make his own choices.

Good for you though. Sometimes you just have to say no.

rookiemere · 18/12/2019 15:35

YABU for drinking Baileys at breakfast ConfusedBrew

OldEvilOwl · 18/12/2019 15:35

Could you do your special breakfast on Boxing Day instead, and have a smaller one Xmas morning?

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 15:39

That update is very telling OP, he makes demands about how the day should be and at what time but he only wants you to do the work..very interesting that suddenly when you agree to change the time but with him actually doing some of the work.he can suddenly make other arrangements.........very interesting indeed

hellsbellsmelons · 18/12/2019 15:41

Sounds like our house at Christmas.
We always aim for 3pm dinner.
But end up with it all on the table at around 5:30-6pm!!!
Not sure what happens but it just doesn't come together in time.
I'm running the show this year and there are far fewer people so it may be 4-ish.
Unfortunately it happens in a lot of house holds.
So much going on etc.....
Don't stress it OP.
Tell her it won't be ready but you will have a lovely big breakfast and you will put something together for her for 2pm if she is hungry!

maddy68 · 18/12/2019 15:47

I would bring lunch forward. I wouldn't like the idea that she would be going without a Christmas dinner

fishonabicycle · 18/12/2019 16:21

Definitely make dinner at 2 so step daughter can eat with you. It's only a roast! Prep veg night before and have a smaller breakfast. It's just once and I bet if this was your own daughter you would do it without a second thought. Also get her and husband to play with little kids so you can sort the lunch out.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 16:24

Also get her and husband to play with little kids so you can sort the lunch out.

Why does she have to sort the lunch out on her own, if you read her update she said she would bring it forward if her DH helps out but suddenly it's not so important to bring lunch forward anymore.......

paranoidmum2 · 18/12/2019 16:30

Don't call her. Tell him if he does nothing then you'll assume he's doing the cooking. Don't keep reminding him, he's a grown up and can make his own choices.

This. Or if he does nothing just have your meal when you want it and DSD will just have to decide to stay or go.

fishonabicycle · 18/12/2019 16:34

I can't understand why anyone finds its so difficult to cook a roast dinner to be honest.

Squigean · 18/12/2019 16:46

Probably because your trying understand the wrong thing. This is about the OP being forced into a schedule on the one day she enjoys not having to stick to a schedule. She doesn't want to not do her usually breakfast (can't if the dinner is earlier than usual.)

That's forced by someone (the husband) who has no intention on making this schedule he wants happened. So if you're genuinely interested in knowing what's difficult about that ask the OP's husband. (I'd happily take a bet you're not actually interested in knowing you just being patronising.)

Personally, I can't understand why anyone can't figure out that this what the threads about.

paranoidmum2 · 18/12/2019 16:49

@Squigean my thoughts exactly. My DH was up all night making garlic butter and what not last year. People do as much or as little as they want to and the cook shouldn’t be put on a schedule. Not sure why that’s so difficult to be honest!

tootiredtothink · 18/12/2019 17:12

It totally changes things as she’s your dsd. You absolutely should do dinner for her.

As your breakfast is so important to you have it on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead.

YouTheCat · 18/12/2019 17:32

She's 29! When is she going to host?

I think your dh driving her to her mum's on Boxing Day sounds like the ideal solution. I'd still get the lazy buggers to do some prep the day before though.

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 18/12/2019 17:41

@Squigean FINALLY! Someone who gets what I'm saying. Thank you! I'm not at my most eloquent so appreciate it may be me not being very clear.

@tootiredtothink, why? Why do I have to change something I really enjoy because my stepdaughter wants to go to her mums too. She knows she's always invited and will always be welcome. I will provide nice food, drinks, presents, a nice atmosphere but why should what I want always come last?

I appreciate that changing dinner time to suit her would be the kind thing to do, I'm not disputing that but where do I fit in? If I don't end up doing dinner to suit her and she leaves before I'll most probably be feeling very guilty as I'd like her to enjoy dinner with us but then again if I do it and end up stressed I'll be feeling hacked off. Meanwhile my stepdaughter and DH are oblivious and enjoying themselves whatever we do.

This has been an interesting thread and made me think about why as women we are so often expected to put our needs and wants last. I very much doubt you'd see this kind of thread on a Dadsnet!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/12/2019 17:51

Who is giving her a lift ?

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 18/12/2019 18:07

I can get my husband to help with dinner but he has no clue what needs to be done and when. I can micromanage him but may as well do it myself. He also won't care if the people she's getting a lift with are here waiting while we're eating.

There are any number of solutions to the OP, but this is the real problem - the fact that OP's DH expects to leave everything to her and is oblivious to other people's needs and feelings. Christmas Day is the least of it really. It might be more helpful to think about how things happen on the other 364 imo.

paranoidmum2 · 18/12/2019 18:11

@Squigean FINALLY! Someone who gets what I'm saying. Thank you

Hey! I got you too OP!

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