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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another Christmas dinner one...

226 replies

Piccalino3 · 17/12/2019 11:12

A sense check please...

One of my husbands family members is coming to us on Christmas Eve afternoon and wants to stay for Christmas lunch the next day. She needs to leave at 3.30pm on Christmas Day to get to one of her relatives as she's getting a lift and there's no transport, it's far away.

We always have a really relaxed Christmas morning and a big breakfast with baileys etc. I have 3 young children and feel constantly stressed with timings and rushing around etc so I really don't want to feel stressed on Christmas Day knowing I have to have dinner on the table at 2pm or she won't get a chance to eat. We often eat at 4 or 5pm or whenever dinner is ready. It's nice and relaxed and I enjoy it.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I've asked my husband to sort it weeks ago but there's not really any options unless she doesn't eat with us. I just wanted one day to relax and enjoy myself without the constant pressure of clock watching. I do everything for Christmas, so annoyed that my husband just doesn't seem to get it. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Ultimately I'll likely end up sucking it up and being resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piccalino3 · 18/12/2019 18:20

@paranoidmum2 yes you did! Thank you, I must be making some sort of sense somewhere...

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/12/2019 18:29

I don’t put my needs last as a woman. But I do put them behind those of my children. Even my - just - adult daughter. If this was my daughter I would not hesitate to accommodate her - it’s not that early to be having lunch. Why not have the special breakfast on Boxing Day? It’s not unreasonable of her to want to visit her mum; imagine how hurt and rejected she will feel if you don’t have lunch until after she has gone. You are being inconvenienced I acknowledge that. But it’s what I would put up with as a parent (rather than as a women).

CrossingTheAlpsInOtley · 18/12/2019 18:42

So, you've been in her life since she was about 10 if I recall correctly-I think you said you had been in her life for two thirds of it. So you have been with your husband for about 20 years and yet you only have young babies.

How old are you then?

I don't believe she is 29 at all. I think she is much younger and you are being nasty to her.

CrossingTheAlpsInOtley · 18/12/2019 18:44

Ok. I see it's a third of her life but even so, that's 10 years!

You can't have been heaps older than her when you met her if she was about 20. Are you a bit jealous of her?

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 18/12/2019 18:49

@CrossingTheAlpsInOtley if you read my responses correctly you would have read that I have been in her life for about 1/3 of it. I've been with my DH for 10 years and she's 29. I'm quite a bit younger than my DH and he had children very young the first time. There's absolutely no reason for me to lie about this, believe what you want.

Why on earth would I be jealous of her?? I like her, want to spend time with her but just want a relaxing Christmas Day not catering to other people's timetables. Why is that so difficult to understand?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Piccalino3 · 18/12/2019 18:52

Anyway, I'm not on here to argue with anyone, I see some people think I'm being unreasonable and others think not which is fine. As many of you have said, it's just Christmas dinner so I'm sure I'll find a way to please myself or everyone else. What I have taken from this is that my DH need to take more interest and responsibility for things - that is probably where I need to focus my attention to although this might need to be a longer term goal!!

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 18/12/2019 19:00

Yanbu OP, SD or not you need to do what’s best for you, as your the one doing 100% of the work.

CrossingTheAlpsInOtley · 18/12/2019 19:10

Yes, I did correct my post to the fact that you have been in her life for a third, not two thirds.

If he's in his 50's and she's 29, he didn't have them exceptionally young did he? And if you're quite a bit younger than him, with babies, then there probably isn't a great deal of difference between his daughter and you.

You also point out that she is immature, maybe you think she is too close, too reliant, to her dad and maybe resent it, which might be a better word than jealous.

Either way, his daughter has as much right to have Christmas Dinner with her dad, as you and his second lot of children do.

Is a roast that important to you, that you will wave her off and then sit down to enjoy it, all so that you can have a Baileys in the morning?

How do you think her dad will feel? There might not be muc joy around that particular table.

How would you feel if it was your child?

ILoveYou3000 · 18/12/2019 19:20

@CrossingTheAlpsInOtley her dad can't be that bothered seeing as when OP suggested he take charge of the organisation of dinner if they had it earlier, suddenly it's no so important anymore.

Sounds like some projection going on with you. Your posts to the OP are very aggressive and accusatory.

Why should the OP change her plans to accommodate everyone else when she'll be the one doing all of the work?

If dinner at 2 is so important then the husband and step-daughter should be chipping in to help, instead of making demands and expecting the OP to put her own wants aside.

JacobReesClunge · 18/12/2019 19:24

Well this actually is her dad's child, and apparently he isn't sufficiently concerned to put himself out for her. If he felt that strongly, he could try making some effort himself.

CrossingTheAlpsInOtley · 18/12/2019 19:27

But that just seems to be, 'she's your daughter' so if she wants feeding, you do it!'

Nope, no projection -just able to imagine how this stepdaughter will feel.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/12/2019 19:34

What does the age of op matter ?

My df is 52. We have a 2yr. He also has 3 kids in their late 20’s/early 30’s

He had his eldest at 22. Youngest at 50

And I’m younger then him but obv older then his kids /my step kids

Don’t see why people are picking at op age

ILoveYou3000 · 18/12/2019 19:38

But that just seems to be, 'she's your daughter' so if she wants feeding, you do it!'

No, it's 'if you expect me to change my day, the timings and when dinner is served, then at least have the decency to help me so I'm not feeling under as much pressure, and am also free to enjoy my Christmas Day in the way I'd like to.'

You honestly think it's okay for the OP's husband to demand changes be made and timings shifted but do absolutely nothing to help facilitate this? Why is what the OP wants less important?

JacobReesClunge · 18/12/2019 19:41

The fact that her father doesn't care enough to do anything about it himself does rather undermine your scolding OP about how her DH might feel crossing.

And he shouldn't be so fucking useless, regardless of who wants to eat when. For all that OP did a massive dripfeed, it was clear from the first post that this is a situation where one person wants something and has decided the other should bear the responsibility of making it happen. That's not acceptable.

VestaTilley · 18/12/2019 21:28

Get DH to do at least half the prep and cooking, but I think it's a bit mean if she won't get a proper lunch- she'll feel like a spare part. It won't kill anyone to put the turkey in the oven two hours earlier than usual. Still have your usual brunch though. Maybe ask her to help? She might enjoy it and it'll help her see what goes in to Christmas. But YWBU to leave her with no proper dinner.

pallisers · 18/12/2019 21:50

Nope, no projection -just able to imagine how this stepdaughter will feel.

That her dad is a bit useless? Don't worry. People - including daughters - cut dads a lot of slack when it comes to cooking/stepping up to the plate/contributing in the home.

wateringtrees · 18/12/2019 23:41

I don’t put my needs last as a woman. But I do put them behind those of my children.

Dad can step up and cook dinner then can't he, since his child has a 'need' to eat at a certain time.

Butterymuffin · 19/12/2019 00:53

I don't expect to be always putting myself last when my kids are 29, and this might be an occasion when I would want some consideration for my needs too. Plus it's blatantly obvious that the dad here is not pulling his weight and didn't think about the extra work for OP. Make it your 2020 resolution that he learns to do more of the cooking, OP?

Hohonoshow · 19/12/2019 00:59

Dh did our Christmas dinner last year as I had a bit of a rant about how much I did in the run up to Christmas. I assumed it would not go well, but it went absolutely fine. Which reminds me I need to tell him he's doing it again this year. Smile

pallisers · 19/12/2019 01:18

I don’t put my needs last as a woman. But I do put them behind those of my children.

Your 29 year old children??? good luck to you.

CoupeCourte · 19/12/2019 03:08

Your husband sounds incredibly lazy. I'd lose a lot of respect for a man who, rather than contribute any work at all to the Christmas celebratory meal, would rather ask his eldest child not to see her mother on Christmas Day. Because that's what it comes down to. He can't be fucked to chop up some vegetables, so a week before Christmas he's asking DSD to change her plans so her mother will be alone on Christmas night while the mother's partner works.

I don't think you're remotely in the wrong, OP. Stepmothers always get a lot of shit on here and this thread is no different. The man is given a free pass while you get accused of being jealous of your stepdaughter.

You should absolutely get to carry on your Christmas traditions and your pathetic husband should take on at least half of the domestic labour to make Christmas lovely for everyone. At the moment it's just you trying to make everyone else happy - women working themselves into the ground is NOT what Christmas is about.

paranoidmum2 · 19/12/2019 07:17

But that just seems to be, 'she's your daughter' so if she wants feeding, you do it!'

@CrossingTheAlpsInOtley. Even if this was true (which it isn't), what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with a grown man cooking for his 29yo for a change? Why do you see it as OP's job? Because she's a SM?

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 19/12/2019 07:31

Can she not have Christmas breakfast with you and dh, and then stay a while but leave earlier in time to have Christmas dinner with her mum....surely if she is going to be late for Christmas dinner at her mum's house then either she leaves earlier or her mum serves it later (or saves her a plate to eat when she gets there

How about she has a smaller Christmas style Christmas dinner 2ith you and dh on Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner with her mum on Christmas day or reverse it....Christmas dinner with you and dh, and a Christmas dinner style meal with her mum in Christmas Eve)

Back2Bali · 19/12/2019 07:33

When we have guests for dinner.. I say if you have plans to visit other people by set times may be best to see them first, as dinner is served when it's ready.. I aim for 4/5 ish but there is no guarantee, it could be a little before 4pm or a.little after 5... too much starin on people at Christmas as it is shouldn't add more by pandering to others... unless they get their hands stuck in and help with prep cooking and clean up too!++

Butterymuffin · 19/12/2019 10:27

The more I think about it, the more off it is that there will be three adults in the house on Christmas Day and apparently only one is capable of, or expected to, do anything towards making Christmas dinner. Plus I bet she'll be the one mainly responsible for the young children too. Why do the husband and his adult daughter get to have it their way but not do anything to help?

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