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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS DH sick of it.

167 replies

PiggyInTheMiddle19 · 17/12/2019 09:38

To be fed up with all the shit between ds and dh.

Ds is 13 nr 14. Typical 13 Yr old as in a bit lazy. Likes his xbox time etc. But he does generally do what's required of him. Don't get calls from school or anything ( used to but no longer)

Dh gets wound up by his x box usage which yes sometimes is too much but as long as his homework etc is done then I don't always see an issue. And despite the fact he's generally on there when he gets in from work.. He doesn't see that ds has spent time with sibling or helping me do stuff or whatever.

Ds has to make his bed each morning. That's the one thing that's expected and drying up after tea. . Other things is upon request.. Like. Hoover room as needed.
Each time bed not made its always a threat to ban x box. Etc
This morning 2yr old was in ds room and sat on bed playing.
It came for ds to leave for school and dd was still there. So he didn't make bed
I would leave it till after school and he knows to do it then.

By 830 I'm having calls from ds saying why am I grounded or banned from xbox.. I knew nothing until then basically DH had sent a pic message of the unmade bed saying this is what no xbox looks like!

I give up. The thing is dh actually doesn't do much in regards to around house. Unless asked..which hell then do things but never off his own back. Will occasionally make bed but hasn't in a while as He gets out of bed at 8am and leaves 8.15 so I've got up and dealt/dealing with everything already and then continue whilst he's at work. Today he made the bed but that no doubt was to make a point.

Is it all men that only see as far as their noses..?
A small example this morning. I emptied bin and put out on porchway to go in wheelie bin. I wasn't dressed so didn't take it as normally would . Dh walked straight past it and past bin to get in his car.. Yet if that was ds he's be called lazy.

If I point it out it's like I'm being petty. But I'm stating a point.

I'm so close to just going to find somewhere to stay. And just come back each day to sort kids and leave after bed as I really can't deal with it anymore.

Is dh being UR. or DS

Yanbu = dh
Yabu = ds

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 17/12/2019 13:41

Yanbu.

Your dh needs to practise what he preaches and also learn to pick his battles with ds rather than making everything 'a thing'.

I feel for you and ds!

firstimemamma · 17/12/2019 13:42

Did your dh have a strict upbringing? Not saying that justifies or explains it all but might at least make part of things make a bit more sense. I hope you can get through to him.

Topseyt · 17/12/2019 13:48

I would be telling DH in no uncertain terms to unlock the XBOX. I would be telling him that his towards your DD (who he isn't even a bio parent to) is so atrocious and ridiculous that you consider his punishment to DS to be null and void. Make sure you also tell DS that, so that he feels he at least has some support at home.

If that means being a shit wife then so be it. If DH complains that you are undermining his authority then tell him that that wouldn't happen if he didn't behave like such a massive arse. I did sometimes do this with my own DH if he behaved unfairly, as he sometimes leaned towards being rather too Victorian. If that made me a shit wife then I didn't care.

You don't need to put on this "united front at all costs" shit. You need to protect your DS and stand up to his bully of a stepfather.

wellthatwasthat · 17/12/2019 14:06

On this occasion your DH needs to man up, admit that he didn't realise why the bed hadn't been made and apologise to your ds.

EerieSilence · 17/12/2019 14:11

I get that it's annoying that ds only shows his face when he wants food or drink of an eve. And rather be upstairs chatting to mates than with us. But he's old enough to choose. Old enough to know he's wasting his life to a degree.

Your DH is picking on him. Is that a surprise he doesn't want to mingle? Especially as at 13, his peers are actually really important to him?
You are wasting the trust of your child and threatening a good relationship with him by preferring a lazy twat who doesn't treat your children equally.
You really don't get it, do you? What did you expect here, a sympathy vote and people telling you how ungrateful the teens of today are?

lyralalala · 17/12/2019 14:26

I get that it's annoying that ds only shows his face when he wants food or drink of an eve. And rather be upstairs chatting to mates than with us. But he's old enough to choose. Old enough to know he's wasting his life to a degree.

There are four teens in my house and every single one of them has been through that stage

If your son feels he can’t win in his own home that stage will last even longer

Teenagers who are good with their younger siblings should be encouraged because so many are so self centred they’re not interested

If you don’t step up in this specific incident then you are allowing your DH to punish your DS for playing with his sister and that’s a surefire way to damage their relationship

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 17/12/2019 14:52

My step mum is like your husband, my dad very rarely stuck up for me and now we have a very strained relationship. I understand that there are good times and that you're heavily pregnant and knackered, but I'm gobsmacked you think being worried about being a 'shit wife" is enough to allow your son to be overly disciplined by a man who is not his father when you've said yourself you know he's done nothing wrong? At the very bloody least your partner should be discussing with you before he rolls out the punishments.

You have a chance here to create a trusting relationship with your child where he knows you'll fight his corner even if it's hard. I beg of you not to let the little things like this go or you'll find that distance is created between you and your son as he'll think no matter what he does you'll side with your husband for an easy life. Your child should always come first over any new husband's/partners!

Fightingmycorner2019 · 17/12/2019 14:57

What triggered me and DP finishing was war about this issue
He got very triggered by their screen time

I even attended a course on it , which basically said that it’s the same amount of screen time as when we were kids (not quite sure about that) but different screens

I just don’t know really , but watch carefully as in My view his academic performance was good , his reading was good so just was being bersted for his ‘down time’

Lowbrow · 17/12/2019 14:58

Why are you letting your DH make the rules about your DS. Your DH is lazy but he is punishing your son. In the future don’t expect to be close to your DS because you allowed this. Put your DS first.

Swirlygirl · 17/12/2019 15:03

My friends partner was able to shut the WiFi down from his phone. He wasn’t the bio dad either.

It also locked her out and stopped her having any control of her own kids usage.

She got rid.

This will continue in to your sons later life if you don’t sort this out now

Didkdt · 17/12/2019 15:19

Does your DSD make beds when she us there
Is her Xbox switched off by dad
A shit wife might be his definition but it wouldn't be how others see you standing up for your son
Sounds like the stuff they do together is stuff your dh wants to do.

Alexandrite · 17/12/2019 15:46

Your dh sounds like he's picking on your ds and causing problems over nothing. It's actually better to air a bed during the day anyway. I've got 2 teenagers. They are well behaved school and do homework and revision. They are polite and kind. No way would i be picking on them and goading them over an unmade bed. It doesn't matter

FudgeBrownie2019 · 17/12/2019 15:59

Your DH is being a knob.

DH here isn't DS1's bio Dad. DS1 is 14 and a typical teen; can be lazy and daft but harmless and a great kid apart from the mouth. DH would no more pick a fight over an unmade bed than I would; it's not important.

It's such a cliche that you pick your battles with teens but it's also entirely true. Either your DH needs to save his wrath for the things that matter or he needs to not spend time around a teenager because he'll do himself a mischief getting so worked up over nothing. Not to mention the harm this is doing your DS, having a step parent who goes ballistic over such ridiculous stuff.

Alexandrite · 17/12/2019 16:03

Your dh just sounds antagonistic. My mum was like this and all it did was cause stress and upset. I felt bullied and dislike her to this day.

MsMellivora · 17/12/2019 16:17

Your DH doesn’t love your DS and since he now has his own biological child he feels it even more. It’s the world over sadly, he doesn’t even try and hide it though. If it carries on expect your DS to leave home ASAP and to not have much of a relationship with him and possibly even you. Your DH sounds like an absolute shithead.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 17/12/2019 16:22

I became a step parent when my ds and my dss’s were teens.

I dealt with discipline with my ds and dealt with his. I knew immediately that your dh was not your ds’s father.

Either tell him to leave discipline to you or tell him to go. He sounds really horrible to your ds

LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 16:26

Your husband is a twat.

MadameButterface · 17/12/2019 16:27

Another drippy woman prioritising the D over her kids

Stop being ineffectual and stick up for your son ffs

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 17/12/2019 16:29

Yes what kind of parent is he Hmm

Christmaspug · 17/12/2019 16:40

Is he the child’s dad

Christmaspug · 17/12/2019 16:41

I’ve not read the full thread ,but I expect he’s not the boys dad ,what a shame for your son ,to have this man in his life

ViciousJackdaw · 17/12/2019 16:51

Old enough to know he's wasting his life to a degree

The boy is not even 14 yet. He is SUPPOSED to be gaming and chatting with his mates. Wasting his life? That's something your DH says isn't it?

You have a DH problem and it needs sorting out quickly. Your son clearly feels alienated, that's obvious. He'll only distance himself further and further if things carry on as they are and there's a real danger he really will waste his life.

ViciousJackdaw · 17/12/2019 16:52

Also, what does 'make the bed' actually entail? Loosely placing the duvet back into position?

badgermushrooms · 17/12/2019 16:53

Sorry to pile on but I'm going to say what I always say on these threads: DH was your DS once, his stepfather made it clear he didn't like him as soon as his own biological kids came along, and his mum did nothing to stop it as it was too much hassle for her to stand up for her own child. He hasn't spoken to them in years because it was made so clear to him that he was an unwelcome complication to the family. They don't know I exist and they certainly won't be meeting any grandchildren. If you want to avoid this situation you need to change your approach now.

JasonPollack · 17/12/2019 16:54

You need to stick up for your son. Your lazy husband obviously can't be neutral or fair so he needs to stop trying to parent him. Or you leave. Those are his options.

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