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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS DH sick of it.

167 replies

PiggyInTheMiddle19 · 17/12/2019 09:38

To be fed up with all the shit between ds and dh.

Ds is 13 nr 14. Typical 13 Yr old as in a bit lazy. Likes his xbox time etc. But he does generally do what's required of him. Don't get calls from school or anything ( used to but no longer)

Dh gets wound up by his x box usage which yes sometimes is too much but as long as his homework etc is done then I don't always see an issue. And despite the fact he's generally on there when he gets in from work.. He doesn't see that ds has spent time with sibling or helping me do stuff or whatever.

Ds has to make his bed each morning. That's the one thing that's expected and drying up after tea. . Other things is upon request.. Like. Hoover room as needed.
Each time bed not made its always a threat to ban x box. Etc
This morning 2yr old was in ds room and sat on bed playing.
It came for ds to leave for school and dd was still there. So he didn't make bed
I would leave it till after school and he knows to do it then.

By 830 I'm having calls from ds saying why am I grounded or banned from xbox.. I knew nothing until then basically DH had sent a pic message of the unmade bed saying this is what no xbox looks like!

I give up. The thing is dh actually doesn't do much in regards to around house. Unless asked..which hell then do things but never off his own back. Will occasionally make bed but hasn't in a while as He gets out of bed at 8am and leaves 8.15 so I've got up and dealt/dealing with everything already and then continue whilst he's at work. Today he made the bed but that no doubt was to make a point.

Is it all men that only see as far as their noses..?
A small example this morning. I emptied bin and put out on porchway to go in wheelie bin. I wasn't dressed so didn't take it as normally would . Dh walked straight past it and past bin to get in his car.. Yet if that was ds he's be called lazy.

If I point it out it's like I'm being petty. But I'm stating a point.

I'm so close to just going to find somewhere to stay. And just come back each day to sort kids and leave after bed as I really can't deal with it anymore.

Is dh being UR. or DS

Yanbu = dh
Yabu = ds

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 17/12/2019 10:32

The thing is that any discipline needs to be agreed between parents. And even if the stepdad had a hand in disciplining the OP’s DS who lives there, he was unreasonable to do so without running it past OP first.

Lipz · 17/12/2019 10:33

Your ds sounds like all teen lads. He sounds so helpful. Mine don't make their beds, they do at weekends. Your dh sounds miserable, disabling the xbox and not telling you, surely he should have said something to you. I hate this immediate punishing and not telling the other parent, even as a teen they should get a warning like a toddler does, give them a chance to fix their wrong and if they don't then an agreed punishment. Your ds had good reason not to make the bed this morning and if your dh hadn't gone all guns blazing your ds could have explained saving arguments, upset and atmosphere. Life is so much easier when things are discussed first.

AlternativePerspective · 17/12/2019 10:36

As he didn’t run the punishment by the OP first I think the OP is well within her rights to tel her DS that the punishment no longer applies. And then tell him that if he dares act like that again she’ll add in the caveat that she will tell DS that he doesn’t have to listen to DH since he’s not his father, and see how he reacts to that.

I am generally of the view that house rules need to be agreed and followed, and I think that there is a place for a step parent to put their foot down on occasion, however I don’t agree that a step parent has the right to dish out punishments such as grounding and removal of privileges without having first discussed those with the biological parent.

Marleyisme · 17/12/2019 10:36

I guessed he wants his son straight away.

Expecting your son to do more round the house than he does and punishing at the drop of a hat?

He is a twat. I woimd bet money the root problem is that your dh has issues with your teenage not being his. This happens so often.

AlternativePerspective · 17/12/2019 10:37

And if he thinks an unmade bed is bad, he wants to come and have a look at my teenager’s bedroom. Wink. And half the bedrooms of teenagers up and down the country.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 17/12/2019 10:37

Id have sent him a picture of the bin and said this is what no sex looks like.

Marleyisme · 17/12/2019 10:38

Oh and make it so the xbox can nor be deactivated by your husband.

Morgan12 · 17/12/2019 10:38

Ffs.

Your husband sounds like a controlling bully tbh.

I'd overrule it. I'd let my DS play the xbox.

Also don't understand why people get in such a tizzy over 'screen time'.

My DS is 7. Him and his friends don't go out to play at night. They meet on the playstation and xbox. Different times.

BrendasUmbrella · 17/12/2019 10:40

Drop the bed stuff. If he has a little sister who can run in and mess it up after he's done, it's really not fair on him.

WatchingTheMoon · 17/12/2019 10:40

You need to get on the same page. And your page is the right one.

I couldn't be arsed about an unmade bed, I don't even make my own bed. It's going to get messed up within five minutes of being in it anyway so who cares?

If your husband doesn't even do much, why is he whinging about your son being the same? He sounds insufferable.

Ugzbugz · 17/12/2019 10:41

He clearly has to much time on his hands to worry about an unmade bed! Who cares? I rarely make mine 😂

Rachelle1980 · 17/12/2019 10:41

In practical terms op.. you need to sit down quietly and privately and tell your DH how he can parents where you aren't there. An agreed plan with consistent, properly defined boundaries. You and DH need to be on the same page if your son has any hope of actually meeting expectations.

I wouldn't be ok with messy beds but that's my house rule, and I wouldn't go nuclear if a child didn't do it , I'd listen and find out what happened.
Your son sounds lovely and responsible and a good brother.

littlepaddypaws · 17/12/2019 10:44

i couldn't leave with a be someone who bullies my dc tbh let alone have a dc with them.

littlepaddypaws · 17/12/2019 10:44

*live

Savingshoes · 17/12/2019 10:44

Isn't your DH deflecting (and failing)?
He's so busy trying to find faults in other people and point them out so that no one notices his?
Although you have, maybe your DH's mother wasn't quite as observant.

BlueJava · 17/12/2019 10:48

Sorry OP but it sounds like DH resents your son. Who picks a fight over an unmade bed anyway, I find that a bit ridiculous and I would certainly not punish for it. We have 2 DS, both 17. Provided they attend school on time, do their school work/homework, are usually polite and help around the house (do their own rooms/en suites and help as asked) I'm fine with that. It's like your DH is checking up on him just so he can trip him up and no one can come up to the standards of someone so picky. Please have a think about whether or not this is a good relationship and environment for DS, it doesn't sound like he loves him and is helping him grow into a better person, it sounds like he wants to pick an argument or a reason to ban him from xbox.

Merryoldgoat · 17/12/2019 10:49

@Morgan12

I don't get the screen-time stuff either. My son is 6. He has learned about planets, the periodic table, the Great Fire of London, he makes 'Radio Shows' which are identical to the ones I used to make with a cassette, teaches himself dance routines which we did with videos etc.

Sames games different facilitated.

He's still pretending to be Harry Potter, reading and playing on his trampoline but in this inclement weather I'm grateful for his iPad.

Merryoldgoat · 17/12/2019 10:50

*differentLY facilitated

Lulualla · 17/12/2019 10:53

Young children who spend have more than an hour of screen time have smaller brains than kids who dont use screens. However, I'm not sure who this results would be impacted when screen time is education and active (like dancing games) rather than watching shows and playing shooting games etc.

finn1020 · 17/12/2019 10:54

DH sounded bad enough when I thought he was your DS’s dad. But to find he’s not his father - that makes it worse.

DH needs to butt out and mind his own business. Bossing a 14 year old around who is not his kid is NOT his business, ESPECIALLY when you’re fine with the parenting boundaries you set.

I have a son the same age, we’re a blended family and my partner would never behave that way.

You DH sounds like he wants to be the man of the house and is making sure your son knows your DH is the boss of both of you. His behaviour on the surface seems nothing but your DH has a nasty, mean streak. If you let it continue it will be at the expense of your son’s wellbeing and his relationship with you. Stand up for your son.

YouJustDoYou · 17/12/2019 10:55

They both need to start pulling their weight around the house, no? Why are you doing everything? Why is it not ingrained in them to do basic help/chores? You shouldn't be their maid, they should be working with you equally, seeing as they live in the house too.

Original poster
PiggyInTheMiddle19 · 17/12/2019 10:56

Sorry can't reply to all Individually. But I get all your points.
I've sat and spoken loads of times. It gets no where.
First I knew was ds contacting me asking why he's banned. He forwarded the text. He had replied that dd was on his bed.. No answer back.

Either way I'm it feels I'm in the wrong if I stick up for ds I'm a shit wife. .. Or if I agree with dh then I'm a shit mum in ds eyes.
I'm so past caring I can't mentally deal with it all.

OP posts:
Marleyisme · 17/12/2019 11:03

You arent a shit wife. He is out of order. You have no obligation to agree with him.

You can not be past caring about your son being bullied by his step father. I know you are exhausted, I know your husband doesnt listen but your son needs you.

Throwawayteachere · 17/12/2019 11:03

Unfortunately OP you didn't need to say he is your son and not DHs. Your post read so obviously as a jealous step father. I see similar versions most weeks on Mumsnet where stepdads don't like sharing their wife with her son so set unrealistic expectations to make their lives miserable.

The worst thing is if your new baby is a boy you will see the divide even more as he won't expect anything from his son.

It is such a horrendous situation as you are pregnant and it is such a hard time to come to this realisation. You need to meet your son at a cafe/ outside the home and have a chat. If he tells you he is feeling unfairly treated and says his stepdad doesn't like him then you know what you need to do.

DoveOfPiss · 17/12/2019 11:03

My ex was like this. Would come for the weekend every fortnight and spend it sat in front of the TV watching the football, any football, while telling my kids they spent too much time indoors and I shouldn't be letting them spend so much time on the computer/kindles etc. He doesn't have children. My explanations that times are different now and their friends are online were wasted "wasn't like that when I was little".... aarrgggh.

Note the ex. My kids were so relieved when we split up. I regret taking so long to do something about it.

Your son sounds like a lovely, helpful, considerate boy and you are doing the right thing with him. He needs to know you have his back and that you are the one who controls access/restrictions to the xbox.