DS DH sick of it.

[PiggyInTheMiddle19]

To be fed up with all the shit between ds and dh.

Ds is 13 nr 14. Typical 13 Yr old as in a bit lazy. Likes his xbox time etc. But he does generally do what's required of him. Don't get calls from school or anything ( used to but no longer)

Dh gets wound up by his x box usage which yes sometimes is too much but as long as his homework etc is done then I don't always see an issue. And despite the fact he's generally on there when he gets in from work.. He doesn't see that ds has spent time with sibling or helping me do stuff or whatever.

Ds has to make his bed each morning. That's the one thing that's expected and drying up after tea. . Other things is upon request.. Like. Hoover room as needed.
Each time bed not made its always a threat to ban x box. Etc
This morning 2yr old was in ds room and sat on bed playing.
It came for ds to leave for school and dd was still there. So he didn't make bed
I would leave it till after school and he knows to do it then.

By 830 I'm having calls from ds saying why am I grounded or banned from xbox.. I knew nothing until then basically DH had sent a pic message of the unmade bed saying this is what no xbox looks like!

I give up. The thing is dh actually doesn't do much in regards to around house. Unless asked..which hell then do things but never off his own back. Will occasionally make bed but hasn't in a while as He gets out of bed at 8am and leaves 8.15 so I've got up and dealt/dealing with everything already and then continue whilst he's at work. Today he made the bed but that no doubt was to make a point.

Is it all men that only see as far as their noses..?
A small example this morning. I emptied bin and put out on porchway to go in wheelie bin. I wasn't dressed so didn't take it as normally would . Dh walked straight past it and past bin to get in his car.. Yet if that was ds he's be called lazy.

If I point it out it's like I'm being petty. But I'm stating a point.

I'm so close to just going to find somewhere to stay. And just come back each day to sort kids and leave after bed as I really can't deal with it anymore.

Is dh being UR. or DS

Yanbu = dh
Yabu = ds

I bet your DH would have bollocked him if he had chucked DD out to make his bed and she had started to cry.

Your DH is playing power games.

Was it your husband's idea for you to have his bio DC so quickly together? One age two and one imminent. Good way to oust his stepson.

So the whole story is about you prioritising your new partner and totally failing your own child.
You can't afford just step away and hope it'll get sorted out. Your son needs your support. You created the situation by choosing a new partner who doesn't seem to care for your son, you need to choose what future your son has and sod the bloody lazy twat of your husband.

Is your DH always so controlling?
I feel really sorry for your son he sounds like a good lad.

The thing that shocks me (other than the fact that anyone really gives a shit if a teen's bed is made) is that the DH does fuck all but checks up by going into the ds room to look at his bed.

In the time it took to do that, he could put the bloody bin out.

I think the bed is a silly rule really.

But, if that's important to you, fine, but tell the DH he is not able to pass judgement on Ds, nor to deactivate his Xbox, and especially not to text him to tell him (power trip much!?) And that you will deal with it.

And in the meantime, can he please buck up and do his share in the house.

You need to be your son's advocate. He sounds like a normal young teenager. Your DHs anger is misplaced at best and bullying at worst.
I was at a seminar where this was part of the discussion on how parents should behave. I think your husband needs to read this!

Shine a light on yourself, rather than on your child. Get out of the mindset that your child is the enemy and you must win. Win what?
No matter how your child behaves, you must commit to parenting from thoughtfulness, not reactivity. Keep in the forefront of your mind that even at times of high stress, no matter how obnoxious your child's behaviour you must remain a calm, steady leader.

What are the characteristics that make up a strong leader? Strong leaders focus on the preservation of their own integrity. They have a willingness to take responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing and do not try to “make” other people happy by changing their character. Being a strong leader is a quality that will actually help your child want to be led by you, rather than to battle you.

He is a controlling bully!!You need to step in and defend your son,otherwise it will be hello to mental health problems for the poor little guy! Am not exaggerating!

I should of said they normally get on OK. Go to matches together, theme parks etc.
But it feels as though dh is out of touch with being a teen.
I've asked in the past what is there for a teen to do? We have no clubs for them locally. Not really anywhere to play football and even if he did none of his mates go out some are too lazy to even go out.

Ds is good with dd. He sometimes doesn't want her around but that's normal.? Dsd is the same one min will play with dd other times snatch toys or be mean. That's siblings. No diff to me and my bro when we were younger
DH was a sorry teen so was always out football, bikes, cricket or whatever. Ds isn't and never has been.
I get that it's annoying that ds only shows his face when he wants food or drink of an eve. And rather be upstairs chatting to mates than with us. But he's old enough to choose. Old enough to know he's wasting his life to a degree.

Today, you need to tell DH to unblock the access to DS' x-box and that when you are in charge of the kids (ie all the time by the sounds of it) you will decide appropriate sanctions because you are best placed to judge whether your child is being a lazy sod or if there was more to it. This morning, DS did nothing wrong and you won't tolerate him being punished for that.

More generally, you need to take over all parenting of DS, IMO. Your husband clearly can't be trusted to be reasonable and, as he isn't DS' father, he doesn't have equal say over how DS is raised. He has an equal say over "house rules" but once agreed between the two of you they must be followed by everyone - including him!

I'm assuming your husband makes your bed as a) he's last out of it and b) made beds are so important.

OP , you may be exhausted with it all but you have a choice and your son doesn't (yet)

I feel really sorry for the boy....

....and that's from a Mum who has currently banned ds2 from his ps4 for bad attitude.

You haven’t really addressed the points pp have made, have you op?

Your husband is bullying your son

"I get that it's annoying that ds only shows his face when he wants food or drink of an eve."

Is it really though?

I'm pretty sure that at that age I was holed up in my room doing homework, reading, listening to music.

Maybe watched an hrs tv with mum &/or sister.

Weekends probably mooching about in town/between friends houses.

OP, I hear you when you say you are tired of it but you need to stand up for your son at home.
It’s almost like your DH was pleased the bed wasn’t made so he could impose a punishment.
Your home needs to be your sons safe place. He’s telling you he doesn’t even want to come home.
Poor boy. He sounds like a good brother (you say he helps to bath DD etc), doesn’t sound resentful of new baby. He should be given a break. You yourself say his behaviour at school has improved over time. Shouldn’t he be rewarded for that?
If this was my situation I’d be putting DH straight on the fact that your son couldn’t make his bed this morning. I’d be revoking the punishment and letting DS know it no longer stood. And I’d be having a strong word with DH about growing up and behaving like the adult in this relationship.
Feeling tired is no excuse for allowing your DH to bully your child.

*You aren't piggy in the middle as you’d like to position it. You created this ENTIRE situation, the children you had, the partner you chose. You can’t just fucking throw your hands in the air and say you can’t deal with it all. You gave that moron power over your son without a backward glance and now you say you can’t cope??

Honestly sort your shit out and look after your children.*

OMG THIS!

Have you told him to unblock the xbox?

Step fathers should be allowed to discipline their step children. Otherwise it will lead to resentment.

However the punishment needs to be discussed and decided by both of you. If your DH had come to you about this, you could have explain about dd being on his bed etc, mentioned that he is just being a typical teenage, and that this punishment is a bit ott.

You need to tell you DH that in the future you must discuss and agree on punishments together.

Your ds sounds fab , not many teenagers are OK with toddlers in their room.

I agree with not letting dh discipline ds if he can't do it appropriately.

I get that it's annoying that ds only shows his face when he wants food or drink of an eve. And rather be upstairs chatting to mates than with us. But he's old enough to choose.

He's old enough to not feel welcome in his own home.

DH is an ADULT. He needs to start acting like one.

I remember being blamed for things I had not done, or being forced to clear up my brother's mess because my mother couldn't be bothered to find out who had made the mess.

Your DS is dependent on you to protect him

It's your decisions that lumbered him with a bullying step-father and new siblings
He didn't choose any of that new life

ffs, stop being a shit mother and put your son before your lovelife
Tell the bully he either stops or leaves. Permanently

I have teen boys and yours could be Doing so much worse than an unmade bed. What’s the punishment for a really big infringement then? It’s a complete over reaction from your husband. A little reminder would have been appropriate for this scenario if it’s a one off.

When I read it, I instantly knew he wasn't your DS's dad. Making a big deal out of nothing and constantly looking for anything wrong to punish your son for. He won't treat his children this way when they are old enough and it will be obvious there is a difference. You are not a shit wife for telling him to back off, but you will mess up you relationship with your son forever if you put up with your DH's nonsense. He will always think you put your DH and new family ahead of him and didn't protect him from your DH's bullying. I'm a big believer in a child's home being their safe place where they aren't bullied, picked on etc., as they go through that outside. Your son can't even catch a break at home because he has another bully there. Your son's home first before your DH, adults have options to leave, children do not.

I'd personally rather be a shit wife than a shit mum....

You are caught in the middle and that's really unfair to you. That being said, and by your own admission, your son is a good boy and helps you out, and your husband does not.

Do the only decent thing and stick up for your son. Do not let your husband bully him any further.

Does your DH ever actually say anything positive to DS? I remember reading (this was actually for a management course but applies equally to children) you should make 5 positive comments for every 1 critical one. If you're constantly negative DS is just going to feel resentful (as anyone would).

I get that it's annoying that ds only shows his face when he wants food or drink of an eve

Does your son feel welcome in his own home? He might just be hiding away from a stepfather determined to find fault and a mother who admits to wanting to throw her hands up and not deal with it anymore, as if this son and grown man are equals who are bickering among themselves, rather than a child who has had a new father figure and new family imposed on him and a grown adult on a power trip.

I think the best thing you can do is actually sit down with Dh and just look at the teenagers board on MN. It shows you how badly this can go with teens and might make him incredibly grateful toward your Ds.

The policy in this house has always been do what is asked and you can game/YouTube etc. So school ask you to do homework, do it, they know they are expected to do certain chores so do them. That is basically it. We have family meetings every so often so that we can chat about things. Anyone can call it. They like gaming as they talk to their mates whilst they do it. To me this is preferable to hanging about on the park.

The only reason your Dh text Ds was so that he would feel shit, all day. Nice. Conflict resolution says a lot about a person. What would be wrong with talking to Ds about the unmade bed (first world problems) rather than ranting and punishing? And talking to him when he was home from school.

If you do have access to a Podcast App Then I can highly recommend Phil in the Blanks (Dr Phil) and Relationship Reality aka How fun are you to live with? Takes a really good indepth look at people's reactions to situations. It is a series and started in October, but a real eye opener.