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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS DH sick of it.

167 replies

PiggyInTheMiddle19 · 17/12/2019 09:38

To be fed up with all the shit between ds and dh.

Ds is 13 nr 14. Typical 13 Yr old as in a bit lazy. Likes his xbox time etc. But he does generally do what's required of him. Don't get calls from school or anything ( used to but no longer)

Dh gets wound up by his x box usage which yes sometimes is too much but as long as his homework etc is done then I don't always see an issue. And despite the fact he's generally on there when he gets in from work.. He doesn't see that ds has spent time with sibling or helping me do stuff or whatever.

Ds has to make his bed each morning. That's the one thing that's expected and drying up after tea. . Other things is upon request.. Like. Hoover room as needed.
Each time bed not made its always a threat to ban x box. Etc
This morning 2yr old was in ds room and sat on bed playing.
It came for ds to leave for school and dd was still there. So he didn't make bed
I would leave it till after school and he knows to do it then.

By 830 I'm having calls from ds saying why am I grounded or banned from xbox.. I knew nothing until then basically DH had sent a pic message of the unmade bed saying this is what no xbox looks like!

I give up. The thing is dh actually doesn't do much in regards to around house. Unless asked..which hell then do things but never off his own back. Will occasionally make bed but hasn't in a while as He gets out of bed at 8am and leaves 8.15 so I've got up and dealt/dealing with everything already and then continue whilst he's at work. Today he made the bed but that no doubt was to make a point.

Is it all men that only see as far as their noses..?
A small example this morning. I emptied bin and put out on porchway to go in wheelie bin. I wasn't dressed so didn't take it as normally would . Dh walked straight past it and past bin to get in his car.. Yet if that was ds he's be called lazy.

If I point it out it's like I'm being petty. But I'm stating a point.

I'm so close to just going to find somewhere to stay. And just come back each day to sort kids and leave after bed as I really can't deal with it anymore.

Is dh being UR. or DS

Yanbu = dh
Yabu = ds

OP posts:
Rachelfromfriends1 · 17/12/2019 11:48

Your son is more important than your husband. Being a “shit wife” is not comparable to being a shit mum.

I feel sorry for your son, your husband sounds like a cunt. What’s the point of marrying your if he hates your son?

You need to remove your husband’s remote access to the Xbox so he can’t do this again. Or if it’s a shared console, you should buy your son his own.

CakeandCustard28 · 17/12/2019 11:48

Don’t let your husband bully him. He’s being a complete dick. Stand up for your son!

missyB1 · 17/12/2019 11:49

You say you are beyond caring or being able to deal with it. Well I’m sorry you have to care and you absolutely have to deal with the fact that your dh is bullying your ds. Please stand up for your ds and please put a stop to the bullying or it will be your relationship with your ds that will suffer long term.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2019 11:50

@blackcat86 Unsurprisingly it isn't "his own child"

blackcat86 · 17/12/2019 11:54

Apologies, I was skimming the thread. What a surprise. So DS is held to some ridiculous standard but I bet wont feel the same about his bio children. How awful. Poor kid.

Jux · 17/12/2019 12:01

Your dh needs to set an example. It took years to get dh to understand the concept, but he's just beginnig to get it (dd is now 20).

Every time something like this happens, ask dh what example he has set. Chuck it on to him, make him think.

cheesewitheverything · 17/12/2019 12:02

Bed making is such a small thing, not worth the drama and in fact I would rather leave the bed clothes turned back and airing all day rather than make the bed in a rush in the morning. Pick your battles as others have said.

BeanTownNancy · 17/12/2019 12:06

You're not a shit wife, your husband is putting his pride above your son and is being a dick.

Punishing a kid anyway when you've been told they did nothing wrong sends a shit message - if they are going to get punished anyway they might as well not bother trying to be good. The adult thing to do is to fess up and apologise when you've made a mistake; model that behaviour and your kids will learn and do the same.

Ask him what he would rather your son did? Throw his 2yo sister off the bed to make it and upset her? Sounds like he was being a good brother letting her play in his room. He deserves a reward, not a punishment - some teenagers are dicks to their little siblings.

whiskybysidedoor · 17/12/2019 12:07

Either way I'm it feels I'm in the wrong if I stick up for ds I'm a shit wife. .. Or if I agree with dh then I'm a shit mum in ds eyes.
I'm so past caring I can't mentally deal with it all

I’m sorry for being direct but as the now grown up child in this exact situation you need to give your head a wobble.

You aren't piggy in the middle as you’d like to position it. You created this ENTIRE situation, the children you had, the partner you chose. You can’t just fucking throw your hands in the air and say you can’t deal with it all. You gave that moron power over your son without a backward glance and now you say you can’t cope??

Honestly sort your shit out and look after your children.

Littlemeadow123 · 17/12/2019 12:11

Yanbu. My dad never does much around the house and when I was a child he would accuse me of not doing enough (although I did do chores around the house to help my mum out). If he didn't see me do them then he wouldn't believe that it was me. I think believing that I sat on my arse doing nothing all day made him feel better about his own meagre contributions.

RB68 · 17/12/2019 12:13

With teens you need to pick your battles, my teen is a bit lazy about jobs and so on but as good as gold in terms of we rarely get faces or moaning or even arguments from her but then we also rarely give them to her. If she doesn't do something I pull her up and get her to do extras while I am at it - so none made bed if I have reminded heer three times I ask her to do it whilst I a there, also tidy bedroom floor, remove any plates and rubbish and if I am really cross she hoovers - and also the bathroom (we have a big bathroom with carpet)

If your DH wants to mete out the punishments he needs to do the other parenting otherwise he needs to butt out and let you handle it. As you say he is not there most of the time.

As for the Teen - whats wrong with saying "hop up a min DSis let me make the bed then you can go back on it"

loobylou10 · 17/12/2019 12:16

Stick up for your son please, your husband sounds like a bullying twat

timeisnotaline · 17/12/2019 12:16

You aren’t piggy in the middle. You are ds’s mother and your oh needs to pull his bloody head in. What if you just asked him to leave? Would the house be peaceful?
A teen boy who cares for his little sister and lets her into his room on his bed is a lovely thing to have. Forget the bed. Unplug the tv if that’s what he watches football on and sat when he’s gotten his daughter up in the morning and played with her , and he’s bathed his daughter, she’s his daughter not his little sister, and his responsibility not his stepsons, and while he’s at it he can make a bloody bed for a change and there’s no footballl in your house until he does this.

I’m sorry you’re having this at 8 months pregnant, but I’d take a baseball bat to the tv before I let him keep bullying my son.

chocorabbit · 17/12/2019 12:20

Your DS sounds like a lovely, loving and caring brother. Many teenagers can't be bothered to do anything, are rude and give their parents ultimatums "I will be with the boys after school" IF they bother to answer ot just hang out for hours. How many of them resent their little siblings because they find them a nuisance?? Please OP, stand up for your son as some pp have mentioned some children start hanging out for hours because they resent the toxic home atmosphere or don't bother to return home/go NC. He might end up not doing/failing his GCSEs and destroy his future if he ends up spending his time out after school instead of returning home to a loving and supporting family. Don't try to be neutral to appease your DH. He is not the child, your DS is.

Cacklingmags · 17/12/2019 12:21

DH is a selfish lazy sod and a bit of a bully. You can push back - start to punish DH when he is a cunt - if telling him does not work - no sex, no cooked dinners, no clean clothes.

rhubarbcrumbles · 17/12/2019 12:22

I don't think my teenager has made his bed for months, I'd rather he spent his time doing his homework and then relaxing than making a bed TBH.

Cups and plates in his room are another issue, now they do stop the xbox from working. He's learnt now to bring them downstairs, I don't like him taking food up to his room and he knows it, so does his sister but if they bring their plates down and wash them then I'm not going to pick a row over it.

Your DH sounds very annoying.

lyralalala · 17/12/2019 12:23

Either way I'm it feels I'm in the wrong if I stick up for ds I'm a shit wife. .. Or if I agree with dh then I'm a shit mum in ds eyes.
I'm so past caring I can't mentally deal with it all.

Disagreeing with your husband when he’s being unfair does not make you a shit wife

To put it bluntly - if you and your husband ever split up then your husband can find another wife

Your DS will never have another mum. He’s a child and needs his mum to stick up for him

What is your housing situation?

Pumperthepumper · 17/12/2019 12:32

It’s really shitty and unfair for him to text your son and make him fret about it all day. I’d be really angry about that alone. I think in your situation I’d say all discipline for your DS is up to you and not your DH. He sounds like a bully.

diddl · 17/12/2019 12:37

What's the big deal with him making the bed?

Honestly, by that age, I left them to it & closed the door.

Clothes in washbox, to be washed, put away when washed, any crockery/cutlery brought down to be washed up.

QueSera · 17/12/2019 12:37

You may be pregnant and tired OP but you're letting your husband bully your teenage son. Imagine being 13 and being sent threatening messages at the start of your school day. That's made me want to cry.

This.
As other posters have said, you are prioritising a new partner over your own young son, which is unforgivable. Your partner is treating your son unfairly, cruelly and hypocritically. He is bullying a child. Your child, who only has you to protect him from unfair treatment. You can't shirk that responsibility.

Your partner is being a shit husband and a shit step-father.
If I were you, I would seriously get rid of that partner, I wouldn't let anyone bully my children.

AlexanderHalexander · 17/12/2019 12:38

You are being a shit mum.

Your DH is treating DS like shit. Probably because as he gets older, he's more of a threat to DH's' alpha male' position.

Your DS has the right to a normal childhood, where he can be lazy, make mistakes and learn without undue criticism. Your DH is expecting him to be an adult when he (DH) does fuck all himself.

Why on earth are you putting up with this? He's your SON, your DH might have left you in a year.

vivacian · 17/12/2019 12:38

Over my dead body would someone be bullying my child in our home.

RhiWrites · 17/12/2019 12:42

H shouldn’t be allowed to institute unilateral punishment. Remove his ability to turn off the Xbox remotely or buy a second Xbox. Say punishments must be agreed between you both.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2019 12:43

Has you husband always behaved this way towards your son, @PiggyInTheMiddle19? Or it a recent change?

What did the school used to call you about?

notfromstepford · 17/12/2019 12:44

Either way I'm it feels I'm in the wrong if I stick up for ds I'm a shit wife. .. Or if I agree with dh then I'm a shit mum in ds eyes.

I'd choose being the shit wife if that's the 2 options on offer. I could handle that. I couldn't handle being a shit mum. Your DS hasn't doing anything wrong. Your DH sounds like he's on a power trip.