DS DH sick of it.

[PiggyInTheMiddle19]

To be fed up with all the shit between ds and dh.

Ds is 13 nr 14. Typical 13 Yr old as in a bit lazy. Likes his xbox time etc. But he does generally do what's required of him. Don't get calls from school or anything ( used to but no longer)

Dh gets wound up by his x box usage which yes sometimes is too much but as long as his homework etc is done then I don't always see an issue. And despite the fact he's generally on there when he gets in from work.. He doesn't see that ds has spent time with sibling or helping me do stuff or whatever.

Ds has to make his bed each morning. That's the one thing that's expected and drying up after tea. . Other things is upon request.. Like. Hoover room as needed.
Each time bed not made its always a threat to ban x box. Etc
This morning 2yr old was in ds room and sat on bed playing.
It came for ds to leave for school and dd was still there. So he didn't make bed
I would leave it till after school and he knows to do it then.

By 830 I'm having calls from ds saying why am I grounded or banned from xbox.. I knew nothing until then basically DH had sent a pic message of the unmade bed saying this is what no xbox looks like!

I give up. The thing is dh actually doesn't do much in regards to around house. Unless asked..which hell then do things but never off his own back. Will occasionally make bed but hasn't in a while as He gets out of bed at 8am and leaves 8.15 so I've got up and dealt/dealing with everything already and then continue whilst he's at work. Today he made the bed but that no doubt was to make a point.

Is it all men that only see as far as their noses..?
A small example this morning. I emptied bin and put out on porchway to go in wheelie bin. I wasn't dressed so didn't take it as normally would . Dh walked straight past it and past bin to get in his car.. Yet if that was ds he's be called lazy.

If I point it out it's like I'm being petty. But I'm stating a point.

I'm so close to just going to find somewhere to stay. And just come back each day to sort kids and leave after bed as I really can't deal with it anymore.

Is dh being UR. or DS

Yanbu = dh
Yabu = ds

I have 3 teens.
One thing I have really had to work on over the last couple of years is to listen to the conversations I am having.

the aim is more positive conversations/comments than negative.
This is really really important so that our teens know they are loved, know that we have their back, and know that they can come to us if needed. I cannot stress how much you need to do that to keep the doors open.

That means letting small things go, picking your battles, biting your tongue when they are having a teenage flounce. It means giving them the benefit of the doubt over things like unmade beds
It means when you say NO, they will listen and take it on as they know you are serious.

What I am trying to say is that this is about an over communication with ds, which it is worth thinking about

Move control of activating the X Box to your phone.

Give DH a list of everything DS does to help around the house, including amusing his sister, and suggest to him that, in future, you make it a rule that any bigger disciplinary action for the children has to be mutually agreed.

OP - I feel sorry for your son. Your DH sounds like a bit of bully.

You need to step up and defend your son. This arsehole will damage your relationship with him!

Tell him from now on he has NO rights to take DS's playstation time away...NONE. Because he gets it so wrong.

Agreed. He's a bully. Protect your son.

Another one that guess DH wasn't the father.

This is really awful OP. Your poor son. It reads as if your OH doesnt respect him and is looking for exuses. He should be made understand that that sort of bullying is not acceptable.

Your son isnt the one in the wrong. I feel so sorry for him. It seems like your dh is targeting your ds and being a bully. Your bin example is perfect at proving this.
I would be furious if this was me, mostly because he is making it clear that he isnt his biological child.

Does your son see his dad?
Your son sounds lovely and I think a lot of us feel for him. What's it like to live with someone who has so much control over you but obvious resents your presence
Yet you talk about you going off because you have had enough, what about him. I hope he has somewhere else to go if he wants to ir needs to.

I guessed straight away he wasn't his son.

No doubt your DH dotes on his own child, and your son feels unwanted.

Poor lad.

Why does he have to make his bed?
I don’t always make mine and neither do the dc, I really don’t see it as a big deal

It would have been fairly twattish for your DH to punish your son over the unmade bed, but given that he (your DH) does virtually sod all around the house himself he's not only a twat but also a hypocrite.

I think you DH needs to chill the fuck out, or your DS will surely resent him some day. Constant nagging and threats WILL effect their relationship ultimately - and it’ll fall on you to fix it.
DH thinks he’s at work when he’s home. He needs to stop it. If your DS is a good, well mannered, kind boy then big threats for silly little things are going to have an adverse effect. It’s going to turn DS moody and defensive. DH needs to grow up.

Your poor ds, being treated like shit when he has a new half sibling on the way - for something that was his other half sibling’s fault. Your dh seems determined to drive a wedge between them. I would honestly be considering kicking him out tbh. Your ds has to come first and your dh sounds like a lazy mardy piece of shit who just makes work and causes conflict. Bad behaviour tends to escalate from men during pregnancy probably because on some level they see you as trapped with no alternative but to put up with it. I’d be taking whatever steps i needed to to disabuse him of that notion pretty swiftly, whether permanent or temporary. Your ds has no choice about having this man bully and pick on him, he can’t tell him to go or change or stop. You can though and that is your job as his mother.

I knew when reading your OP that DH wouldn’t be DS’s bio dad! Sorry to say it but when I read confirmation of that I just rolled my eyes.

DH is the one being unreasonable here! 100% DS didn’t make the bed because DD was playing on it! That’s not his fault! Also not making a bed isn’t the end of the world.

Sounds like your DH is a hypocrite who is enjoying asserting his dominance over DS and you’re just letting it happen and not standing up for DS!

My dad was on ‘disability’ my entire childhood (wasn’t actually disabled just mild health issues 🙄) and has always been one of the laziest men I’ve ever known. I remember him going crazy at me one night because I ‘always forgot to move my shampoo bottles’ and DM tore him apart! Pointed out that he by far did the least of anyone in the house and was a giant hypocrite. DM is still my best friend 😂🙈 and DF is still a lazy arse- but he doesn’t kick off at me and my sibling anymore 👍🏻

Poor lad, he sounds a good kid. Tell him the punishment wasnt agreed with you and no longer stands.
My ds at that age was properly messy with his room but polite and sensible so pick your battles. As an adult he s very tidy.
I certainly didnt burst in and inspect my teens private space.
Dh is wrong. He should be thankful to have a well adjusted step son who s not out getting into trouble or excluded by school.
I would be laying down the law about fair treatment now before you give birth and maybe are in hospital away from ds.
14 s a tricky age and you dont want ds to leave home as soon as he can. (Plenty of threads on here of posters who left home early due to step parents behaviour).

You may be pregnant and tired OP but you're letting your husband bully your teenage son.

Imagine being 13 and being sent threatening messages at the start of your school day.

That's made me want to cry.

Your Dh sounds like a dick and that punishment is way too harsh (infact he should have took it back once you explained why he couldn't make his bed)

Absolutely agree your husband is a twat. Do you never stand up for your son. It was obvious from the start he’s not his bio father, poor kid

I lived a version of this and it's utterly shit.

I will never understand why parents prioritise a new partner over an existing child.

Because make no mistake, that is what you are doing.

Either way I'm it feels I'm in the wrong if I stick up for ds I'm a shit wife. .. Or if I agree with dh then I'm a shit mum in ds eyes.

You need to protect your son, you're his mother, that's your job, nobody else in your house is going to do it, he's helpless without you

There was a very recent thread on here where a son had gone off to University and had cut contact with his mother because of a very similiar situation.

You are right something has to give and it has to be your husband. You have to protect your son otherwise he will walk away

What is the housing situation rent/owned etc?

I wouldn't just play tit for tat and hand over the Xbox without discussing with DH, as much as he's been a prick about it. Although I think you are totally in the right on this OP, I think that would just antagonise and not help the situation. The main issue here is not the bed or the Xbox but the communication between you as a couple, and therefore as a family. I totally get you're knackered and pissed off, and justifiably so! He sounds like he's being an arse. But, as hard as it is, you know that marriage is hard work and you've got to both work at it. So if it was me, I would carve some time where the kids are being looked after and sit down together and I would calmly tell him everything I feel, without judgement or accusation, but completely honestly. I would then encourage him to say his response and try not to seethe or take it personally, but hope that he would hear what I had to say. And I would try to remember why I love this man, if that's possible. And then I think it's about working out a plan moving forward and agreeing certain rules and boundaries.

I think this is your only option if you want harmony in the family OP. Either that or you really do see this as the end of the road for you both and you leave.

Wow, it was so obvious DH isn't DS's father!

DH is being a colossal dick. You have to stand up for your son, it's your job. He's done nothing wrong, and he need to know you are in his corner.

I would tell him that 'ok' isnt good enough. He cant for sweet FA and yet expect more from his own child than he does himself, nor can he hand down random punishments that he then expects you manage/enforce/hear the moaning about. Ds may be more involved in the house if he isnt treated like a bloody criminal all the time and if he sees a positive Male role model not a lazy dictator leaving a shit storm for his heavily pregnant wife.