So many martyrs at Christmas

[Changinforaflamin]

And it’s always women... why?

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we struggle to just say no and do things the way we want? Or why do we let lazy partners get away with doing nothing?

I’ve been guilty of this myself but my husband never does it and I don’t get why.

Please enlighten me

Because so many enjoy their martyrdom year on year, otherwise what else would they moan about?

I'm guilty of this in previous years, but now I've got a system I'd actually get irritated if DH tried to get involved.

Tradition, societal expectations, sexism.

The majority of women don't just wake up and decide it will be fun to run themselves ragged for everyone else and be martyrs. Many feel that if they don't do everything. Christmas will be ruined and they will be blamed directly or indirectly by their families and they will feel guilty

It's great for you if you don't feel that way, but don't blame other women who either aren't lucky enough to have an enlightened partner or who feel stuck in that role. It's not always an active choice.

I do the lions share at Christmas because I want my children to actually enjoy Christmas and be able to eat food that is edible. My husband has helped with going to buy presents and wrapping some of them (badly) this year and he did help the kids to put the tree up. This is a huge improvement on previous years because he knows I’m not prepared to tolerate it any longer. I have had to refrain from complaining about his shit wrapping attempts and rubbish tree decorating because otherwise he will say “I don’t know why I bothered’.
I really don’t feel like cooking but we are having family over for one day over Christmas and my husband is the worst cook on the planet. We have several allergies to cater for and a vegetarian coming and my husband suggestion was that we (read me) could just cook some vegetables and rice

I do think some people are martyrs as a personality trait. They’d be displeased if their life was adjusted to the point that they couldn’t be ‘put upon’ any more.

And yes to everything fromnowhere said. And the amount of women saying the same thing indicates that it isn’t martyrdom but rather societal expectations and sexism at play and a lot of women who aren’t prepared to let their children have a shit Christmas just because their partners are shit and fit the stereotypical useless man at this time of year.

That sums up my mum really well @tillytrotter1 & @CalmFizz

Although she’s a martyr all year around, not just at Christmas 😂

I have had to refrain from complaining about his shit wrapping attempts and rubbish tree decorating because otherwise he will say “I don’t know why I bothered’

I think this is part of the martyr problem. People get ideas into their head of how things MUST be done, get cross if their DP doesn't do it how they wanted, then end up saying "I'll do it myself, it's the only way to ensure it's done properly"

I hate the use of “martyr”. In my experience it’s usually used to describe a woman trapped in a circle of societal expectations and sexism. Calling her a martyr is a good way of avoiding addressing the issues that put her in that circle, and blaming the victim.

Not in this house, here it is Dh who is like this. Mind you his family is also and they are mainly women. I feel the guilt of not joining in with it a bit though

It helps if you can learn to be 'good enough'

And I also get that kind of thing from DH about it being done a certain way, it puts me off. So, I just ignore him and do what I want.

I enjoy the cooking but we even plan that together. He does all the pre-Chrismas deep cleaning. We share the shopping and wrapping. I take control of the tree but that's so he doesn't get the tinsel out. It's a bit sad that I think I'm in a minority. We're having his parents over on Christmas Day, but that was my suggestion.

That is a good point @BertrandRussell I didn’t think of that

I am very lucky in that me and DH are equal in terms of how Christmas is done. (Although I shouldn’t be “lucky” that’s how things are meant to be).

We no longer alternate Christmas and are both cooking the dinner. He does presents for his side and I do presents for mine.

I did get the majority of presents for DD but she’s a baby so I picked up second hand things as and when I found them. He picked a couple of pieces for her as well...

Because rather than actively do anything to change is too hard for them. Easier to carry on and using lame reasons - long hours (🤣 30 years ago ok. Now with online shopping, it’s a ridiculous excuse.

Cannot cook. Another sell out excuse - recipe books, YouTube, food channels etc all showing how to cook from the basics of boiling an egg to more complexed stuff.

Control - it’s not done the way she wants it doing.
Playing his mummy and running around after his grown ass.

Gifts for his family - did he not live with his family? Spent 18+ years isolated from them? No? So how comes he doesn’t know what to get his family? I bet if people asked their older primary children what their parent/sibling would like they would give you examples.

A relationship is supposed to be a partnership and of one person is doing most of the work, then it’s not equal. And if I’m carrying you then why do I need you?

I really cannot abide the do stuff whilst seething and moan about it later. Reminds me of what my teens and toddlers would do. When adults pull this crap I’m straight - it’s your own damn fault.

Who gives a crap of the whatever isn’t perfect?
And why should I spend all that time in the kitchen whilst everyone else is relaxing, having fun and creating memories? And if it’s because you don’t like the guests why are they in your home? Don’t like others using your kitchen, let go of the control.

I'm not a martyr but I do pretty much everything for Christmas because I want to. But it stems from my own childhood Christmas experiences always being half arsed and a "chore" for my mum (who incidentally is a martyr and makes sure everyone knows of her sacrifices). I do it because I want everyone to enjoy it and have a lovely family time together and that's where I get my pleasure from - to sit back and see everyone happy.

@Disfordarkchocolate I don't understand this 'pre-Christmas deep cleaning'. Is your house a roach-infested shit tip the other 51 weeks of the year? If not why not a quick vacuum and dust like any other time?

Don’t get this. Dh off work so whole thing a team effort same as my parents did. Fil baffled and outraged. He sits there like Prince Philip whilst mil does everything dh despairs of him

I hate the use of “martyr”. In my experience it’s usually used to describe a woman trapped in a circle of societal expectations and sexism. Calling her a martyr is a good way of avoiding addressing the issues that put her in that circle, and blaming the victim.

I can see where you are coming from, but when the martyrdom is over non-essential things like buying all the in-law presents and catering for the 500 without thanks every year, where there is no suggestion of an abusive relationship; as opposed to the unavoidable like getting up every night waking with a tiny baby because your husband is a selfish, drunken oaf, I think it can be an appropriate describer, and if it helps shake the person out of it, then all to the good.

My mum was a martyr and it was all self imposed, it made Christmas in particular quite miserable, with us all on eggshells. I'll be making my own mistakes and annoying everyone in my own special ways, but I did decide not to be like that and to watch for the signs.

Many of the posters on here just want us all to eye-roll at their useless families and help them polish their halos, when they could do with a kick up the arse to be honest.

• Tell people you are taking a break from hosting
• Ask people to bring a dish they think they do well
• Don't buy the presents/ send the cards
• Don't invite the people you don't like and if others do, let them do the additional work involved, including providing "conversation"
• Ask people to do things: "Right! I'm knackered! Who's volunteering to wash up?" "Thank you darlings."
• Let things be different from your vision of perfection
• Enjoy yourself and enjoy the company of your family

No @squashyhat, he thinks it needs doing so I let him do it. It makes him happy so who am I to say no to an extra clean loo?

it's not just Christmas

SOME women like to be martyr and queen of the kitchen and cleaning cupboard.

On the other hand, in most of my friends houses (mine included) it's the Dh who is in charge of food shopping and cooking across the Christmas season for example. Things are happily shared.

Christmas Day itself we buy stuff from cook, M&S and the like so the longest you spend in the kitchen is the time you need to make a drink. Life is too short!

The patriarchy. As others have said using the word martyr really is simply victim blaming. I think once children are part of a relationship, what was once equal often ends up being wholly unequal. No one wants Christmas ruined so plenty just step up and meet the expectations.

To the outside world it would seem that I'm the martyr but I'm not. DH and I have discussed Christmas over the years and refined it to what we each like doing and the jobs that need to be done.

I do all the thinking and buying of gifts (but we still talk through ideas, budgets, etc.) because I actually enjoy that part.
We plan the food shop together and, depending on his work, sometimes do it together. He will generally do the alcohol because I don't drink and unless they can be specific don't know what's preferred.
We wrap most of the presents together (except ones that need posting in advance) so he gets to see what's been bought 😉
Decorating the house has been a mixture over the years depending on babies, work, etc. but the tree was my domain!!
DH now does the cooking which is great because I can pop out and do some volunteering and he can make as much mess and noise as he likes.

This works for us. No one gets stressed.
As I've said before, it's about communication and refining over the years. And be open to discuss it if someone's view changes.

I think there's a whole mix out there of lazy men, women who actually do martyr themselves and men who are perfectly willing to get involved but because they don't do things their wive's way, they're apparently 'wrong'.

Either way, one parent doing everything and the other doing bugger all, is a really bad example to the kids.

And don't even start me on 'I can't cook'. Male or female, yes you can. You just have to want to learn. Practice with a roast dinner on a Sunday.

I do it because I want things to be 'just so', and I am up before everyone else, can get all the prep done so I can enjoy the present opening with a glass of fizz and mince pies.
But I stop after lunch, and everyone else had to clean up. DH usually sorts out a selection of food for the evening. He also, generally, cooks boxing day lunch.

I think this is part of the martyr problem. People get ideas into their head of how things MUST be done, get cross if their DP doesn't do it how they wanted, then end up saying "I'll do it myself, it's the only way to ensure it's done properly

Although in other cases it's because the male in question deliberately does a shit job in order to not be asked to do it again or to be asked to do anything else. This means the wimmin do the work while he wanders off for a shwank or a pint or a chair infront of the TV. Same way he gets out of most household chores that are really wimmin's work all year round.

We don't do Xmas, but I also don't remember any of his family's significant dates. Why should I? Not my job.

About the only thing I can say is to break the cycle by involving sons in all aspects of domestic work, Xmas or not, making it clear that it is their role.