So many martyrs at Christmas

[Changinforaflamin]

And it’s always women... why?

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we struggle to just say no and do things the way we want? Or why do we let lazy partners get away with doing nothing?

I’ve been guilty of this myself but my husband never does it and I don’t get why.

Please enlighten me

Oooh. My mum used to do this sometimes:
"Mum, do you want some help?"
"No"
Half an hour later
"No one ever helps me. I have to do everything by myself!"
🤷

Tbf to the man here. They are not taught as women are how to do these things. Someone brought them up like this...

Why isn't it that simple to not have people you don't like in your home?

Because the person you love most in the world does like them and wants to spend time with them?

Because someone you love is married to them?

Because large families sometimes have difficult dynamics?

Because sometimes you are trying your best to balance the wants and needs of a large group of people?

Cooking is something that some people, men or women just cannot do well no matter how many cookbooks they have access to.
Interesting how disproportionate the numbers are. I would say at least 50% of men would claim to be "crap at cooking". Maybe 5% of women?
Men have never been expected to cook because their mothers and then girlfriends/wives have done it for them because they are "crap at cooking". Maybe if they were given the chance and not constantly nitpicked and/or excused they might improve.

My MIL is a family meal martyr. It’s fucking miserable.

We’ve offered to pot luck style meals, but she refuses.

Instead she works herself up that no one helps. She yells at my FIL the whole time, and then serves us bland , unspiced food and (the worst) microwaved turkey she cooked the day before.

Then whines we don’t appreciate her.

For added fun this year, she got mad at us for not attending her Christmas this year as it was her turn (it isn’t) and didn’t bother inviting us til early December. My side made plans in October. (Mil has done Boxing Day the last few years, we assumed it would stay the same).

I refuse to be a Christmas martyr.

Responsibility is shared. I do more shopping, he does more cooking.

We both clean.

We stay home all morning, and go out to dinner. I deserve to enjoy Christmas as much as anyone else

Why isn't it that simple to not have people you don't like in your home?

Thought of another one

Because otherwise someone will spend a crap Christmas alone (when they don't want to and have made it clear they don't want to).

It's not necessarily that you don't like them either - most visitors are fine and like all of us have good and bad traits - it's just that family dynamics are such that sometimes it isn't possible for us all to sit in our PJs and totally ignore extended family every year, especially if your family is large.

Cannot cook, so what happens when you're not there?

He eats warmed up frozen food or has a sandwich. There is always a couple of meals in the freezer that I have cooked and frozen that the kids can have in my absence. I won’t cook food and leave it for him but I will for the children so they don’t have to be subjected to his cooking attempts. Fortunately none of them can eat eggs so I’m happy to leave my husband spoiling his own eggs.
And yes frozen meals for allergies do exist but it doesn’t mean I want my children eating them regularly and ready meals are bad enough, allergy friendly ready meals are bloody dire.

I know a great deal more than 5% of women who can’t cook. Pretty much as many women as men in my family. My brothers are the main cooks in their households but my mum was a professional cook so we were always cooking as kids.

Cooking is something that some people, men or women just cannot do well no matter how many cookbooks they have access to

Interesting how disproportionate the numbers are. I would say at least 50% of men would claim to be "crap at cooking". Maybe 5% of women?
Men have never been expected to cook because their mothers and then girlfriends/wives have done it for them because they are "crap at cooking". Maybe if they were given the chance and not constantly nitpicked and/or excused they might improve

Yep. Interestingly my mil is an utterly shite cook. Dh is the same- I think because they never developed a decent palate so have no idea what tastes work. mil cooks everything tasteless mush- I think DH survived by mashing it all together and adding loads of tomato ketchup.

Dh is more than happy to cook, but I'll end up with some weird combination of packet chinese rice, with italian style chicken with british seasonal veg like parsnips and sprouts. all overcooked as left a bit longer than they should "to make sure". Sometimes doused in chilli sauce or pepper.

Even more interestingly fil is a great cook. mil still does the bulk of the cooking- fil does high days and holidays and is usually restricted to doing the manly stuff like barbecue or cooking the meat.

I always wondered why fil didn't do more of the cooking...but mil is "traditional"- I rarely let her baby sit as she'd be raving about how she gave my dd her own duster and she just loved following her around "helping" to clean. Enquiring about my son I'd find out he'd been upstairs playing video games all day, with grandpa keeping an eye while she took dd shopping...because boys don't want to be doing stuff like cleaning and shopping..

Tbf to the man here. They are not taught as women are how to do these things. Someone brought them up like this...

And what?

They as adults can't learn how to do it?

Most of the things we do as adults, we weren't taught to do as kids. Work/careers is a prime example.

It’s like men who can’t control their tempers/language/farts. They find it perfectly easy to do all three in their bosses office.

I won’t cook food and leave it for him but I will for the children so they don’t have to be subjected to his cooking attempts.

When you first started cooking, did all your attempts provide perfect meals?

Or did you practice, make mistakes and learn from them?

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we struggle to just say no and do things the way we want? Or why do we let lazy partners get away with doing nothing?

I don’t

So he can heat food up?

Then he can heat up a chicken and through in some vegetables to heat up in the oven.

I do understand what large families and dynamics are like. I have several relatives who I absolutely despise, and I know someone else in my family would love to have them there. I will not have them here and if others do not like this, well they are completely free to go and see them. Oddly enough, given that choice, not many people go and see them.

For a person to be hated, they have to have done something in the first place. If you cannot forgive them enough to like them, what is the point in them being in your life? What does it say to that person - do what I like anyway and don't face any consequences?

It's bad enough when you work with people you don't like.

As an adult my attempts were all pretty good worra. As a young child my mum supervised me when cooking so results were always reasonably good and by the age of 12 I could cook quite well (or at least quite well by my standards). I can’t remember a time when I couldn’t cook.

Because otherwise someone will spend a crap Christmas alone (when they don't want to and have made it clear they don't want to).
Surely, just as we expect men to be an adult and help and do the mental load, we can expect people to be adults and sort their own fucking plans?

If you do t want to spend a day alone, make some fucking plans

I’m realising I must be fussier than I think ffs because a chicken thrown in the oven with some veg would be a pretty shit meal in my opinion. I have to have my chicken well seasoned.
He did cook a roast dinner for the kids when I was poorly a few weeks back and it was actually chicken veg and potatoes but they were all frozen ready to roast potatoes and veg and I didn’t eat it.

If I’m eating something I’m not eating bland shit just to say I’m not a martyr and I share the cooking. Wanting to eat decent tasting food does not make me a martyr.

It's a strange feeling but I want to say I have one of the good ones as a PP said. Like it's some rarity. In reality he's a grown up and we both equally do our shit running our lives.

He is a pain at Christmas though, likes the kitchen to himself so he can blast his Christmas tunes and makes the dinner. He cares about food and I don't really. Does all the presentation bollocks. I get sent to the living room with a glass of something fizzy forbidden to help. My hovering washing up as he goes isn't welcome.

I love Christmas and i love the lead up to it, i like getting presents for people and picking the food, and doing all the little touches that make it special for DS, so i don't see it as being a martyr.

My mum was terrible for this though, she used to refuse point blank any help then after dinner be ill and have to go to bed through exhaustion, ruining her own Christmas day. Was totally ridiculous and her own fault.

Oh so now it's because learning to cook wasn't done at home.. That's a new one I must admit.

But ffs, come on. There are so many things you learn away from your parents. You don't hit 18 or 21 and that's it, you no longer have the ability to learn new things. How do you think people manage to go higher in their work field?

I will give you a hint, learning and experience.

@Totallycluelessoverhere
So there we have it. He CAN cook, just not to your tastes.
The chicken was cooked all the way through?
Hadn't been dragged through the cat shit before it was put on the plate?

Totallycluelessoverhere I actually feel a bit sorry for your husband. Do you really have such a low opinion of him that you genuinely don’t think he’s capable of bunging some food in the oven/on the hob and setting a timer? That’s all ‘cooking’ is mostly - yes, a bit of prep work to go with it, but it’s not hard to learn.

My parents version of cooking growing up was “open packet of chicken nuggets, put on tray, put into oven”. I learnt as an adult to cook better, healthier things. That involved a bit of trial and error, but mostly just looking up stuff online and following recipes. It’s not hard, it just took a bit of effort and a willingness to do it and a partner who wouldn’t have put up with me shrugging my shoulders saying I “can’t cook”

Totally agree that it has never been easier to learn to cook with YouTube and a plethora of easy-step cook books. All it takes is practice. Perhaps Christmas day with all the family gathered around the table with high expectations is not the best time to start learning though!

My dh cooks the turkey, roast potatoes and Christmas pudding and I do all the sides (some in advance) but on other big occasions I have had lots of well-intentioned people try to "help" at meal times which is all well and good, but by the time you have explained where the grater is, where do you keep your second veg peeler, how do you work the magimix etc etc and been interrupted from your own tasks six times ... it would almost have been quicker to do it yourself. Especially when your kitchen isn't huge and doesn't have a huge amount of work surface like mine.

So if you don't already, and really want to help in the kitchen on Christmas day (1) start practising on January 1st for Christmas 2020 and (2) familiarise yourself with the kitchen lay out and equipment first or bring some prepared dishes with you in a cool bag (dishes that are already fully prepared and only need putting in oven, not dishes that you "just need 10 mins, another serving bowl and a bunch of coriander (do you have any? can you chop it for me?) to finish".

And what's wrong with frozen veg?

All these men who can't cook
I hope all you mothers of sons are teaching them how to cook!