So many martyrs at Christmas

[Changinforaflamin]

And it’s always women... why?

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we struggle to just say no and do things the way we want? Or why do we let lazy partners get away with doing nothing?

I’ve been guilty of this myself but my husband never does it and I don’t get why.

Please enlighten me

The problem with the 'just do what you want to do and only that' or the 'well some people not want things to be done their ways because otherwise its not good enough' is that it makes WOMEN fully responsible of the fact the SOCIETY is putting pressure on them to be the ones responsible for christmas.

So of course she can say 'Not doing the all the wrapping' and her DH is doing it 'differently' crap and you can be sure that many people will think that she is responsible (either she will ask this poor man to do the wrapping even though its obvioulsy very hard for him to do or there will be questions as to why she didnt do it properly).
If she decides that she will not host 50 people that christams, she will be the one who will get the flack, not her dh for not doing his share and making manageable etc....

So the consequences of that is that women feel the pressure as well guilt and end up doing it. See also all the posts on here along the lines of 'I am a single mum and I manage on my own so why do you need your DH help?'

If you actually want to stop women to be 'martyr', you first need to stop societal expectations and start expecting men to actually step up rather than blaming the victim/the woman

notfromstepford
Then you are definitely not a martyr. Pulling out all the stops for Christmas or even darning your indifferent husband's Primark socks for 10 years doesn't make you a martyr, if you accept that you are choosing to do it because you enjoy it and don't moan like a bastard.

I too I love Christmas and go big

We have always just done whatever we are best at. We organised our first Xmas together at 17 so perhaps we were young enough not to have been indoctrinated. Or perhaps we had watched the martyr game too many years. Now way up in our 50s the only difference is that our evenings are spent not looking through catalogues but ordering on the internet!
I am good at lists and working out logistics. How much food, who sits where,do we need a caravan on the drive for the houseguest overspill.
He is the arty one, good at decorating, wrapping, arranging food nicely.
Socially we are both as inept as the other. But we have a shared objective this year of Not Blinking. We don't want to entertain this year. However many hints, nudges and veiled threats come our way we are Not Blinking. Some have taken it well, gushing enthusiastically about getting the opportunity at last. Others are giving out sad-face and sullen demeanour. Care us not, we are smiling and waving and not martyring.

Cooking isn’t always as simple as people following a recipe in a book. My husband literally cannot boil an egg successfully. Cooking is something that some people, men or women just cannot do well no matter how many cookbooks they have access to.
If I want my kids and guests to eat something other than heated up frozen food then I do have to cook. It’s not about me being a martyr it’s me not wanting our Boxing Day meal to be fish and chips from the freezer section. I have learned to delegate the jobs my husband can do though and don’t let him get away with doing nothing (even if those things don’t get done to my usual standards)

My DH doesn't like fuss or presents and isn’t fussed about food. If we left Christmas up to him it would be pretty dull so I do it. But I’m not a martyr so I only do the things I really want to. Nice presents for our DC. - yes. Wrapped duty gifts for his family - no. Delicious Christmas dinner - yes. Cooking on Boxing Day - no way, sandwiches and salads all the way and he can make them. A few cards for elderly relations we won’t see over Christmas - yes. 100 cards for his massive extended family - not for years.

Christmas is a lovely time of year here. I don't host, it's just my husband and children. If someone pops in, they get a mince pie and a drink. I dont deep clean my house, a general tidy and vac up the day before is fine. I only buy presents for my children. Token gifts to parents and grandparents. We dont wear matching PJs or have christmas bed sheets, nor Christmas eve boxes. I honestly believe people are placing higher expectations around Christmas. Keeping it simple is best.

I think this is part of the martyr problem. People get ideas into their head of how things MUST be done, get cross if their DP doesn't do it how they wanted, then end up saying "I'll do it myself, it's the only way to ensure it's done properly

Definitely part of the problem. On one of the 'men are shit at Christmas' threads yesterday, someone complained that her DH had wrapped a present for a baby wrongly because the paper was the wrong colour and he hadn't bought a tag. If you need that sort of precision for something so inconsequential then you really need to unclench more than a little. The baby won't give a fuck and you're effectively trying to control what colour your rubbish is going to be.

The problem with the 'just do what you want to do and only that' or the 'well some people not want things to be done their ways because otherwise its not good enough' is that it makes WOMEN fully responsible of the fact the SOCIETY is putting pressure on them to be the ones responsible for christmas

Do they? I've never felt this pressure. If people judge me for something DP has or hasn't done, then that's their problem. If they ever said anything to my face, I'd put them straight.

I don't put up with the martyrdom anymore! I'm off to Australia for Christmas, leaving dh & 2 ds at home. I suggested going as a family, they said No! So I went ahead a booked just for myself. I do have family there

Cooking isn’t always as simple as people following a recipe in a book. My husband literally cannot boil an egg successfully. Cooking is something that some people, men or women just cannot do well no matter how many cookbooks they have access to.

Complete and utter rubbish.

Assuming your husband is NT, he can boil an egg with practice and care.

He can cook just about any meal with enough practice and care.

He just needs to practice and actually care.

I think its mix of things.

Gender roles and societies expectations for sure. But I think theres a lot of extra things that are driven by women through a kind of competitive parenting / fear of their children missing out, that men just dont care about. Eg 'dressing the house's for christmas, writing hundreds of christmas cards, having people over for canapes and drinks instead of opening a bag of crisps like they'd normally do, matching family PJs, Christmas PJs for the kids etc etc. Most men cant be bothered because logically it's not needed to enjoy Christmas, and I'm with them to be honest.

In our house I buy all the presents because I pick up little bits as and when because I work near shops so just stumble across things. My husband just wouldn't know where to start with the stocking filler type things. He just doesn't have any ideas. If it was left to him he would probably skip it or fill it with chocolate. We discuss the big items together and he goes and picks them up (things like second hand bike on facebook he will do the hours round trip to get it). We wrap together. He goes and picks up the tree and sets it up but I decorate it with my daughter because I enjoy it. We'll both take it down. I'll do most of the cooking because I like cooking and he hates it and so I always do most of it, however I actually do a lot of it well in advance so there isn't too much to do on the day, only reheating and puddings which I love making. He will do most of the hosting eg making drinks and will actually bbq whatever meat we're having. He will clear up or our guests will, after dinner is served I am out. He will also do the prep eg peel potatoes, prep sprouts.
We dont bother with a lot of other stuff - xmas eve boxes, elf on the shelf, experience days etc and this is where I think people go mad putting extra pressure on themselves. I dont know why people do all this stuff.
We dont buy for the adults in my family any more at our suggestion, his family wanted to do it but he suggested secret santa so meant he only had one adult gift to sort.
So our xmas isn't really too stressful just a roast dinner with guests, a tree, and a few presents for the kids. And everyone is happy

I agree!

YABU, I am so busy that I don't have time to be a martyr.

It just annoys me. There’s a lot of people that revel in their martyrdom. A lot has nothing to do with their men, it’s just making them feel needed and justifying their existence perversely.

I’m childless with a partner who does more than his fair share of chores and we go to my mums for a few days over Christmas. No martyr here but .. I imagine most mums/women want their loved ones to enjoy themselves. And the only way that’s going to happen is if they suck it up and do everything. Don’t blame the martyrs, blame their selfish partners.

Don’t blame the martyrs, blame their selfish partners.

I blame both, depending on circumstance.

If the partner really is lazy and selfish then they're to blame. If they're just constantly told to 'Get out of my kitchen' and 'You're wrapping those presents all wrong' etc, I'll blame the martyr.

@LightDrizzle have a good one!

I don't put up with the martyrdom anymore! I'm off to Australia for Christmas, leaving dh & 2 ds at home. I suggested going as a family, they said No! So I went ahead a booked just for myself. I do have family there

Sounds bloody wonderful!

I wonder if Julie Walters will star in the movie version :)

But I think theres a lot of extra things that are driven by women through a kind of competitive parenting / fear of their children missing out, that men just dont care about.

Thats is exactly what societal expectations are though..... Esp the fear of children missing out if they do x and y. Because ensuring that children have a nice christmas etc etc is still seeing as a mother job.
There is a reason why 'men' in general dont care about it...

Ahh yet another "blame women for societal gender roles" post.

There doesn't need to be an abusive relationship for a woman to find it difficult to say no. There are posts on here where woman are afraid to say no in the most trivial of situations, and they are generally given a pass for that. But somehow if they fall into this role at Christmas they are martyrs?

All these things people want to say aren't important, clearly are to some people. There can be all sorts of reasons people put pressure on themselves, that doesn't make them martyrs.

We do Christmas lite. We travel so doing the full shooting match is impossible. None of the frills are important to me. That doesn't make me any better than someone who wants it to be perfect.

We do the same with weddings, anyone who cares too much is a bridezilla. At school they are THAT mum. How dare women care about stuff, eh?

🤣🤣 Cannot boil an egg. Give over. How hard is it to put water and an egg in a pan and set a timer?
He works? Maybe have a degree.
You really think if he lived alone he would eat nothing but take aways? If he wants to do a frozen meal dinner, let him get on with it.

Any adult who mocks how a present is wrapped is an arsehole. At times my children wrapped presents, and where rightly proud of their badly done jobs. Same with the Christmas tree and decorations. I never went round after them redoing it. Why would I? It’s their Christmas and that’s what they want to do. Who am I to say it’s wrong?

Because on the whole it seems to be women that want it done and most of the men dont seem much bothered but go along with someone else doing it

I think I am one of the lucky ones, my dh is fully engaged in the house Decs, has done all of ds's present shopping and will wrap it. Does the Christmas shop and we have Christmas day just the 3 of us and he cooks the dinner.

I do my my family pressies, who we see boxing day, he sorts his family who we see Xmas eve.

It is a nice chilled out Christmas.

He also does all the washing and ironing, majority of household shopping, all cooking. Overall he is quite good.

I enjoy doing it at Christmas. I'll happily wrap everything, plan and order the food, sort the decorations, etc. Only thing I want DP to do is to buy gifts for his side of the family. He's a good cook though and sorts the turkey etc on Xmas Eve. So it works for us.

Me and DH also work together and we both have to put a few hours in over Xmas day and boxing day so everything is very much shared both over the days themselves and in advance.

Decorating is a whole family thing with mulled wine, crap Xmas songs and nice food one evening. I do the present buying for everyone but he will sit and wrap them all. I plan the menu but he does the shopping. On the day, whoever is not at work deals with the cooking, including the kids. This year I'm not working Xmas eve afternoon so me and DD will prep all the veg etc, DS will cook tea and then we'll all sit with wine, choccies and Xmas film.

Ahh yet another "blame women for societal gender roles" post.

It feels exactly like this. Because some men are shit at doing stuff and some women don’t want to argue about everything they get called a martyr for trying to make sure their children have a decent Christmas.

worra my husband isn’t diagnosed with anything but more than one of our children are not NT and one of my step children shows traits of asd. My husband does find it difficult to do certain things which most people take for granted but actually they require a certain degree of common sense and practical thinking skills. I do wonder if the children have inherited their asd from him. And no he can’t successfully boil an egg. Sometimes he gets it right but more often than not it is over cooked / undercooked. He doesn’t understand that using a big pan of cold water means the egg takes longer to cook than if you use a small pan with preheated water. He has enough intelligence to have worked for several decades in a job which needs a reasonable level of intelligence but some simple things are totally beyond him.