So many martyrs at Christmas

[Changinforaflamin]

And it’s always women... why?

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we struggle to just say no and do things the way we want? Or why do we let lazy partners get away with doing nothing?

I’ve been guilty of this myself but my husband never does it and I don’t get why.

Please enlighten me

I get adults who can't be arsed to learn to cook if it's just themselves to worry about. If they want to live on frozen food and takeaways, that's entirely up to them.

But an adult who chooses to have children and still can't be bothered to learn how to feed them, so leaves it up to the other parent?

What sort of parent does that? Certainly not one who gives much of a shit.

The cooking issue is a little off-the-mark in my experience. With guests, the meal is the most noticeable and impressive part Christmas Day / Boxing Day. The cooking is the highest-status task. I've seen plenty of men produce some impressive food. All the other stuff needed to make Christmas happen, not so much...

Exactly bluebluezoo

Those who are wanting to create the magical Christmas, full of memories. Think back to your own. Really think about.

Want to know what I remember?
The womenfolk in the kitchen. The menfolk chatting, getting drinks etc topped up, maybe watching tv.

My nan worked her ass off to ensure we had the magical crap. The house and tree decorated. Everything single thing was sorted and mainly done by her and when there, her daughters.

Then when the womenfolk finally stopped, they were knackered.

When I had my children I didn't want that for them. There's no magic in that. The only one who would benefit is menfolk. It's just, well another day with some sparkle in.

What's the point?

Those who are wanting to create the magical Christmas, full of memories. Think back to your own. Really think about.

Want to know what I remember?
The womenfolk in the kitchen. The menfolk chatting, getting drinks etc topped up, maybe watching tv
That sounds like mine in many respects.

Mum always did the Christmas dinner for us and the extended family.
Everyone else (including male relatives) entertained the kids, sometimes we'd go to the park in the morning. Men always did the washing up and clearing up after. Cook's don't tidy up, non-cooks clear up was always the rule.

Then again, I also look at my Christmas as a child and think "thank God we didn't sign up to all this making memories crap". It seems more work and social expectations that too easily gets dumped on women, or that women buy into it more so it's self imposed festive shit, or a bit of both.

E.g. My parents would be wrapping presents on Christmas Eve so there was none of this "I couldn't let DH wrap presents because he'd put the gold and silver bows on the wrong wrapping paper and wrap them on the 23rd and I'd be utterly beside myself if they weren't wrapped in coordinating paper and ribbons by at least the 6th" - personally if someone wants to have Christmas presents wrapped by the first week in December they lose the right to complain if their DH doesn't do the task on their terms.

We had a lovely chilled Christmas Eve and santa would always bring us pyjamas on Christmas day that we'd spend most of the day in. So there was none of this "Someone has to buy the personalised plate for santa and Rudolph, and order Christmas Eve boxes with each of the children's names engraved, and have Christmas themed pyjamas and buy the chocolate for the boxes and spend time watching trailers to get the perfect family film to watch on Christmas Eve and bake and ice festive cookies to eat through the aforementioned festive family film. I couldn't possibly give DH this job because he'd probably say any Disney film would do because it's about family time, buy the cookies and he'd probably pick the wrong font for the box engraving as well. Christmas eve would be a disaster and the children will be scarred for life if they watched The Grinch instead of the latest best reviewed festive film"

It's easy to call people Grinches for not buying into a lot of the hype, but I do think a lot of the hype and added extras seem to be a way to convince people to that their Christmas won't be magical unless they're doing eleventy-billion superfluous things that all come at a price (financially or in terms of time).

Things like badly wrapped presents or badly decorated trees don't ruin Christmas for children though. It's about the adults wanting to show off.

There is no such thing as badly decorated tree🤷 If someone loves it, it's not bad. Same with presents. They seriously don't have to be perfect. I run out of paper, was lazy to go for new one so one pack is wrapped just from front and sides😂😂

There is no such thing as badly decorated tree
You haven't met family friend martyr.
The kids are grown up now and we still laugh about the year the kids decorated the tree with their dad and Martyr Mum redid it all so it was more "tasteful".

My DSM is the biggest Christmas martyr. Year after year listening to her whine on about EVERYTHING.

She moans that she hosts even though we offer to host or say we can go out - nope that's not good enough.

She moans that noone helps even though people offer and are chased out of the kitchen.

She moans that she hates cooking and hates turkey and every year we suggest choosing something different and get shot down because 'I have to cook turkey because everyone wants it' - WE JUST TOLD YOU NO TURKEY IS FINE.

She moans about writing Christmas cards and every year says its the last time she will do it, but it never is. I told her she doesn't have to send me one - still does.

She is honestly one giant fun sponge and makes Christmas insufferable.

There is no such thing as badly decorated tree🤷 If someone loves it, it's not bad.

it's true
but sometimes it's REALLY hard to share the love

I didn't care what it looked like. It was a bonus not having to deal with it all, and depending on who had put it all away the year before, the lights tangled 🤣 .

Food isn't done to your taste? And. It's not the end of the world, your guests probably sit at home and moan about your food. Or think blimey anyone would think they are feeding 150 people, it's only the 5 of us 🤣

It's for one day. Let go of control. Let others bring whatever. Saves you having to sort it. Whoever does the best meat, that's their job. Might not be to your taste/standard, but it's not the end of the world, and let's face it, that's what all the condiments are on the table for, to be used.

As long as people mention they are bringing whatever to the rest of the adults is what should matter.

Tell others to bring stuff. And you know what, if people don't want to bring a dish, this tells you a lot about that person, and it's one name off the next big meal.

A lot of it is not realising its how much work you make it & OK to delegate. In the 80's , my Dad & us kids went to get/did the tree, we set the table & wrote cards (we loved getting to choose the cards). Dad's job was travelling overseas most of time so he did trip with us to get gift for DM but helped wrapping all presents with DM. Granny helped with food prep & washed up. We didn't do crackers, sprouts, bread sauce. We had bought Xmas pud & homemade cake. Boxing Day was cold buffet. Non family visitors were pre Xmas drinks only. Gift shopping was an enjoyed trip or two, with her best friend.

Tell others to bring stuff. And you know what, if people don't want to bring a dish, this tells you a lot about that person, and it's one name off the next big meal.

Can I uninvite my (grown up) stepchildren or would that have me slated on here as a wicked stepmother?

You can uninvite anyone you like. Why would you care what random internet users think?

Is it just one day? My Christmas are 3 days😁
Christmas eve is the chill and pressies day. 25th is feast and 26th is relax and/or another feast with other side of the family. It's a shame 24th and 26th are normal working days in UK. All 3 should be bank holidays. It's so much better to spread it all

I do it and I hate it...The reason I do it is because 99 times out of 100 my husband is an amazing man who would move mountains and walk to the end of the earth for us.I hate doing his family cos they are all absolute shits who are free loading.money grabbing ,ill mannered selfish gits ,They however are so far removed from him that I feel I owe him ..duty if you like ,but I feel I owe him to make the effort and a monumental effort it is, to do the things I do. They may not be decent but we are. I am proud of our morals and standards as a family but them...they are complete waste of skins the lot of them..but I will not let my husband down for he is so wonderful to me and the kids on a daily basis. I do them with gritted teeth trust me. I hate being a martyr but in this instance it is for a genuine reason...my love and respect for my husband.

@LolaSmiles my mum did it once. We cried. Our tree was always bit eclectic with mix of baubles of different ages. I have now 30+ year old ones😁

@Pfefferkuchen very.... Taskers like😁 Fluffy? If it makes people happy, they can have Christmas swan i think it's a swan on the middle one😁

Why do you need permission?
If the rule is you contribute or don't bother, you show up still, good luck getting through the door surely? Send them back to pick up the things they have forgotten.
They won't starve. People have food in their homes. There's shops and takeaways open if they are daft enough to think they can gate-crash places.

I wasn’t being serious ffs. I don’t care for anybody to bring a dish because with anaphylactic allergies is better the food is controlled by people who understand it and won’t be casual about it. It’s just I can imagine the gasps of shockand the words of disgust if I posted on here to say I refused my stepchildren entry into my house on Christmas Day because they didn’t bring a contribution towards the meal

I might suggest they bring booze though!

@Pukkatea - that sounds so much like my mum. It’s one of the many reasons why we don’t go round at Christmas anymore.

She’s been whinging at me saying how she wants chicken but we have to have turkey as Dbro insists on it despite him saying he’s fine with having whatever. Then she says oh I would love to go to a pub for Christmas lunch but dbro and dsis wouldn’t want to pay for themselves even though they’ve said (many times) they are more than happy to pay for themselves.

She whinges how she’s too unwell (she’s not) and that she has to do everything but whenever my dad tries it’s not good enough and when anyone else offers she turns the offer down 🤷‍♀️

She’s such a fun sponge.

Fair enough if you like doing everything but don’t insist on doing everything then complain about doing everything 🤣

I think women just put much more emphasis on Christmas. I don’t know any man that gives a shit other than the time off work and trips to the pub with the lads.

I can't imagine children not learning to cook TBH, how will they cope at university or when they leave home let alone at Xmas

Watch youtube and teach themselves.

For a lot of women it is the lunch that seems to kill them.
This huge meal for a crowd.
I get that that can be stressful.
Hard to really enjoy a meal that you have been working on for hours.

I have found taking every shortcut I can, has made the whole day a lot more enjoyable.

It's only a meal.
Much better for the house and the hosts be relaxed and cheerful sitting down to eat.

don’t insist on doing everything then complain about doing everything

Where's the fun in that?