To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

[NurseryTrouble123]

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

He has no emotional attachment to making Christmas super special, he just goes through the motions and makes it nice for his DC.

This is a good point. I think it's the fact that many women seem to have a massive emotional attachment or guilt complex about creating a perfect Christmas which leads them to feel they have to be the one doing it all, because otherwise it won't be done 'right'.

I think that they just feel that it's a woman's job/wife work, especially if the woman is a sahm.

OP you have it bang on.

DH likes Christmas, has nostalgic ideas about certain little things a stocking should have etc.... but seems to believe that all children's presents appear magically wrapped etc. He also seems to think mummy gets very little (and no stocking), while each year i carefully buy the silly things his family always have in stockings (it's stuff like novelty socks, an orange, a box of raisins, a couple of silly jokey presents, some pjs).

When we are his mum's, i notice that she (not his dad) prepares us each a stocking. It doesn't occur to him that it's his job to do mine when we are at home.

Maybe he thinks that if you want things like oranges, raisins(!), pointless tat or pyjamas (seriously, how many pyjamas does anyone need?) you can just get your own whenever you like?

Why are you with men who have so little respect or care for you?

I have to wonder if you read my post at all, or just read the title and went off one one with multiple posts?

This is exactly what I’m talking about. I wouldn’t stay with a man who was like this all the time, he’s great almost all the time but seems to have this bizarre mental block about anything Christmas related, and speaking to my friends they’ve experienced the same - men who are genuinely equal partners the rest of the time, but who suddenly act like you’re their mother at Christmas, or as if Santa sorts everything out for them. It’s a strange phenomenon and until I discussed it with others I thought we were a weird anomaly.

DH has just brought up the fact we don’t have the tree up yet - yes miraculously it hasn’t put itself up! He’s going to do it tonight apparently.

@SachaStark Unfortunately I couldn't send DH back to the shop to buy the right stuff because I found it on my chair when I got home, and he had gone off to work. So Muggins here is having to sort it out.

He has two decades of this sort of form. He is totally incapable of performing the simplest task properly. Much of it comes from him not actually listening to what I say, or at least only listening to half of it and then thinking he knows what I'm going to say next so he switches off.

He has a heart condition though, and does work really long hours so I can't be too annoyed with him every time he buggers something up. I seethe in (relative) silence most of the time.

OP, if your children are too young to know that it's Christmas, why do you think that you need decorations, or that "the tree needs to go up". Why do you "need" a tree? And why do you think that the house needs special cleaning? Even when your children are older, they won't care whether or not the house has been deep-cleaned. I think you're making work for yourself.

Am shaking my head. Why are so many women facilitating this fuckery! It's really rather simple, do not buy any cards or presents for his family members. Get yourself and your kids gourmet stuff and leave him to fend for himself. You would be surprised how quickly guys figure shit out when they have to. My DH and I don't celebrate Christmas although we get some presents for our DC but I remember an ex trying to lumber me with all of the present shopping and catering for his family. I smiled and ignored him. He did some frantic last-minute charity pressies online and everyone got a certificate for buying a goat or donkey and he ran himself ragged trying to get some food from the few shops that were open. I ignored him giving me dagger-like looks and told everyone it was my first Christmas celebration. It only becomes your problem if you make it so.

OP, if your children are too young to know that it's Christmas, why do you think that you need decorations, or that "the tree needs to go up". Why do you "need" a tree? And why do you think that the house needs special cleaning? Even when your children are older, they won't care whether or not the house has been deep-cleaned. I think you're making work for yourself.

I’m not. We’ve got family coming to visit next weekend and the house is a bomb site, mainly because we’ve been very busy with other things so things have gotten on top of us. It’s not that our children aren’t old enough, they have neuro disabilities - we think they’d enjoy the tree, decorations etc even if they don’t know what Christmas is, it just means we don’t have the pressures of them expecting it. I’m not on about turning the house into some kind of grotto, but we both like having the tree up.

I don’t buy gifts for his family, although I have done presents for our niece in the past as I don’t want her to be upset. If his mum, sister etc don’t get a gift from him that’s his problem.

It’s just the mental load I find draining on top of all the other stuff I have to deal with. It’s not even like the kids can tell me what they want for Christmas - they are actually really hard to buy for too because or their additional needs.

We both love Christmas food - DH does the cooking for us most days while I cook for the kids, he puts them to bed every night and when we are both home parenting is genuinely 50/50. But there’s no way he’d make Christmas dinner.

Oh for fuck’s sake, the OP is not on about “marrying a loser”. She’s said, several times if people could be bothered to read, that her husband is perfectly normal the rest of the year.

I just find that really difficult to believe though.

If you're 'perfectly normal' all year round, why would you suddenly turn into a lazy, selfish, uncaring person who watches the person you claim to love, run themselves ragged doing everything on their own so the family has a nice Christmas?

The OP has said I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it.

It takes a special kind of selfish fucker to not care about that.

So they're normal all year round and as soon as 1st December arrives, they turn into a complete prick?

So what do you want from this thread OP?
Sympathy because your husband has a personality change at Christmas?
Is he aware that you're slagging him off to a bunch of strangers on the internet?
You don't sound like you communicate very well, or is that only at Christmas?

Is he aware that you're slagging him off to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

To be fair, I think a lot of other posters have 'slagged him off' far more than the OP did. It's incredible how vicious people can be about someone they haven't met.

Barbara

Jog on & take your judgement elsewhere.

Every one has their little traditions. Note that the things in our stockings are largely useful things (Food & essential clothing), as opposed to "pointless tat".

The point being that DH expects these things to appear for himself but doesnt think through the reciprocity required.

Nb I don't "facilitate". DH buys the stuff for his side of the family since I've always refused to do that for him.

@roisinagusniamh I actually agree with your points on the thread but your last post to OP is needlessly rude given that it's clear she is struggling a bit.

@NurseryTrouble123 your final sentence is "But there’s no way he’d make Christmas dinner" and to me this sums it up. Either you say "please can you make Christmas dinner, I'm not up to it this year" and he either says

"No" so he does seem selfish and uncaring towards you or

"Yes" in which you case don't have a problem?

Or you haven't asked him clearly enough? And YY I know it's not all about the Christmas dinner itself, but generally it seems you know what you need him to do and it doesn't seem unreasonable or excessive. It's a reasonable amount of effort within a defined time frame - why can't he, or why won't he do it?

Isnt the excess present giving something women impose on each other? the men in my family couldnt give a toss if they got presents or not. so if we left it to them there would be no presents for g inrown ups at all and that would suit me just fine. i have a feeling that a man-led xmas would be food, booze and not v much stress. (( of course theres the small matter of kids presents -- i think they would get involved with kid presents,

That's how my Christmas goes to a tee. It's about the kids, not the greater family, and DH will never complain about doing things for the kids.

It only becomes your problem if you make it so.
This is really not true. I really feel for the OP. I don't enjoy Christmas much but that isn't because I am a perfectionist. I feel I actually do the bare minimum - but I still want to eat nice food and have a present to open. I don't actually buy anything for my DH's family but there is still plenty to do for ours. I'll give you one tiny example which is nothing but also EVERYTHING. My family are currently sitting in the dark in the lounge watching tv. Nobody has thought to close the curtains, turn on the Christmas tree lights etc. It will stay that way until I do it. Would they not prefer to sit in a cosy, lit room? Yet, I can't seem to make anyone else do it. Eventually I will crack but I am fed up of doing everything. I realised long ago that if I wanted a "nice" Christmas - and by that I mean a roast dinner, Christmas decorations etc then I would have to do it. And that goes for just about anything which makes life slightly more pleasant or more comfortable. It has certainly made me appreciate my own mother more!

my DH is pretty bloody useless but i suppose what redeems him slightly is that he also doesn't really expect much and wouldn't complain if for example xmas dinner was exclusively from sainsb TTD,
or if we took ourselves out for a horrendously expensive xmas lunch! my takeaway is that i do things like christmas to a level that i am happy with and phone in what i don't want to do. if he feels strongly about something he has to organise it himself. so in that respect at least we rub along ok.

what i don't do is shop for his family. if he doesn't sort that out tough shit they don't get anything. and sometimes they don't! which i do feel bad about but i refuse to back down on that point.

If you're 'perfectly normal' all year round, why would you suddenly turn into a lazy, selfish, uncaring person who watches the person you claim to love, run themselves ragged doing everything on their own so the family has a nice Christmas?

I honestly don’t think he notices it’s being done, hence my original post. It’s like he doesn’t think about how it happens at all, it just happens to him, which he’s not like with other things, so I find it very bizarre.

So what do you want from this thread OP?

I thought that was pretty clear - I was asking if this happens in other people’s houses too and from the responses it seems it does. Of course it’s AIBU so someone always has to be an arsehole 🤷‍♀️

Oh f yes. And I'm not sure how it ended up like this. I guess it's my fault as it's just defaulted to me and I haven't said anything. My DH has a stressful job with long hours too but somehow it's gone from us both working full time to him working and me at home sorting through kids and all this Xmas fuckery wondering what the f happened to my life and career. Ramble over sorry but YES.

And the other day he said something along the lines of do WE need to think about when to buy the Xmas food. As in, YOU. And yes dear I've already thought about it already but thanks for the back seat driver reminder.

Totally my own fault. I need to hand some of this sh1t back. I hate Xmas and it's because it just equals more crap for me to do.

I honestly don’t think he notices it’s being done, hence my original post. It’s like he doesn’t think about how it happens at all, it just happens to him, which he’s not like with other things, so I find it very bizarre.

Read that back to yourself OP

You're sticking your head in the sand over this. Any NT adult would know it doesn't 'just happen'.

You said you used to love Christmas and now you actually dread it.

That's sad in itself but even sadder that your husband doesn't care.

OP, have you communicated how you feel with your partner?
If not, why not?

I do Christmas, DH does cars. To me it’s a fair swap, but low betide him if he winges about over spending.

As for Christmas dinner, he wouldn’t have a clue where to start. And since it’s just the four of us there’s no chance of cooking together - one has to be looking after the kids. Pre kids he’d prep food, peel veg etc but these days its a one man job

Hmm I guess I do most of it but I actually love it. And we go to my parents for Xmas day so I don't have to think about food or any of that stuff.

I absolutely will not ever take on the responsibility of buying DH's family gifts, that's just madness. DH is also responsible for getting the decorations out of the garage, buying the tree and any 'heavy lifting' type jobs. DD's grandparents have got her a wooden toy kitchen so he'll have to build that on Xmas Eve. We'll do the wrapping together. I have done most of DD's present buying though but I did love it