To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

[NurseryTrouble123]

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

[juneybean]

It's not just men.

[FruitcakeOfHate]

No, lots of men don't, but menchildren who are enabled do.

Personally, I loathe Christmas. I think it's a total waste of time. It's ONE fucking day.

I point and click to buy gifts for our kids, who are older now, and my family, DH does his, we shop together for the meal (which is curry this year), the end.

When he says 'help' he means he considers it your job.

[partyhatsoff]

If he's not going to do it off his own bat then you need to sit down and make a list of what needs doing.
My DW looks after her side of the family, and I mine when it comes to pressies and cards. And the rest is split, not officially, we just do it. Eg I was away and came home to find all the decs out of the attic, and most of them up except the tree ones. The tree was bought and up waiting to be decorated with the kids the evening a got back.
She'll take the kids off to get my pressies before Xmas, and I'll do the same for her.
I genuinely don't understand why some women out up with this inequality on stuff that can easily be shared.

[LagunaBubbles]

I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples?

Are you trying to make yourself better about how useless he is?

[BrendasUmbrella]

OP, how about correcting your thread title to say “My own useless DH” rather than “lots of men”?

Because it is lots of men. There are several threads running right now on the same topic, and many dozens every year. Lots.

[Gatehouse77]

DH and I have discussed, and refined over the years, who's doing what and now have an arrangement that suits us and meets our needs. Neither of us are annoyed , resentful or bitter in the run up.

I do the gift buying (and thinking) because I like that part. We share the wrapping so he knows who's got what.
As a family we decide on what we're eating and then DH and I order in advance together and put together a shopping list for the rest. Sometimes DH is able to come shopping, sometimes not because of his work or he's doing something else already agreed.
As a family we decide where we're going, who to invite, timings for the main meal, acceptable wake up times (!!!), when we're decorating.

I suppose the aspect that I struggle to understand is why couples don't have more discussion around these topics? For example, if something really pissed me off one year I'd bite my tongue at the time but it would be brought up at a later, convenient time. And discussed rationally.

Communication is, for me, the key to a good relationship (any relationship) and I can't imagine it being otherwise. I'm not judging or criticising, merely observing.

[RB68]

Mine is just bah humbug about the whole lot - mostly I think as its means making an effort in advance and not just enjoying the day with magic food and drink and presents etc.

My mini protest today when I wrapped MY OWN PRESENT which I had put on the amazon shopping list and done all but press buy and pay was to make the gift tag from the dog

He does think about presents and asks for lists etc and also considers his Mum only as he knows he will get sht from her if he doesn't

[ItIsWhatItIsInnit]

Why did you marry him?

My experience is totally opposite. My dad always cooked the entire dinner and did all the food shopping for the Xmas holidays. My husband does all the xmas shopping and cards. I don't care about Xmas so if he didn't do anything, I definitely wouldn't either.

[BarbaraofSeville]

Maybe men have the right idea and we're the real idiots

There's a lot of truth in this. Obviously, there has to be some planning and preparation because if you woke up on Christmas morning and decided that you fancied a roast later that day, you'd have an interesting time at the nearest garage or 24 hour convenience store trying to find the best approximation of supplies, but in general, many women go far far over the top and then complain that the men in their lives 'don't do their share'.

It's like complaining he doesn't do his share of the hoovering but he thinks once a fortnight is an appropriate frequency when you think it needs to be done twice daily. Somewhere in the middle is probably about right, same for Christmas.

Yes, men need to do their share and make an effort, but some women really really need to step back and think about how much is really necessary, because when we have December 1st boxes, Christmas Eve boxes, Elf on the Shelf, multiple trees with themes and new decorations each year, 18 different vegetables with the roast, stockings, presents for every Tom, Dick and Harry, hampers, and all the other crap that people put on themselves to do, there's a lot of excess that we really wouldn't miss if it didn't happen.

[RB68]

I should add he will usually cook - I buy the food etc and we plan it together as a family (3 of us)

[thecatsarecrazy]

My DH is the same. Buys for me if he can be bothered. I do everything else. I asked him to write out cards for his family last week. Only about 6 cards. He took about an hour and huffing and puffing over it.

[ImportantWater]

I buy for my side, he buys for his. I write cards for my side he writes for his. We discuss the kids' main presents together - I have just bought one and he has just bought the other one. I sort out the kids' presents to each other but he asks me what is happening and have I done it yet so I guess he would do it if I didn't. I do the stockings, but I really like doing that. He buys the tree, I oversee decorating it (the kids do it). We discuss together what food we need, I order some online he does the shop nearer the time. He cooks Christmas dinner I do tea.

Maybe lots of men opt out, but I think lots do not.

[ShinyGiratina]

I do sometimes read threads and think that women can learn from men and think about what is important and what we seem to pick up and get trapped doing for the sake of it. That's not an excuse for men being thoughtless and inept, but actually just prioritising what is worthwhile and what does not add value and just unnecessary stress. Women tend to be more prone in getting swept up in emotional trimmings because that's what is the done thing.

Many Christmases ago, I had a due date a few days before Christmas. There was no way of knowing what state of pregnancy/ birth/ post-natal I'd be in by Christmas Day, so I had to be organised. The state of my pregnancy meant that I wasn't working so everything was ordered well in advance. DH had two presents to buy. Mine and BiL's. BiL being the sort of person that required a good trawl around the shops rather than a targeted click and buy.

Sure enough, baby comes a few days early with much drama, and DH's buy at the last moment strategy is a total fail. I was pretty pissed off at not having a present, particularly at the end of a long week of prolonged labour, emergency surgery, and a visit to HDU. BiL on the other hand was quite understanding and the two brothers there and then mutually decided that was the end of the chore of buying each other gifts and we'd just do the children and save on a layer of token consumerism. Hours of aggro have been saved across the years.

Streamline Christmas so you only get the parts that are important. If posting a card to great-aunt Maude makes her happy, fire away, but if you're seeing MiL, SiL and just going through the motions, why waste the time and the stamp.
Prioritise, delegate and share.

(And no, Santa won't magically do it even if your wife is in labour early )

[Sawwhet]

She just made a mistake the first year they were together of sorting his parent’s presents and I have no idea why she did that

Because you feel bad about them not getting anything

[Buster72]

"Being shit at Christmas"
And there you have the problem in one. It is not a competition.
It should be a time to relax not beat our selves up over "gifting " and cards.

[thecatsthecats]

some women really really need to step back and think about how much is really necessary

My MIL has bought a present for my nephew on my side of the family. A baby she has met once over a year ago. She's dropping it off at mine tomorrow, creating a thank-you task for my sister as well as a task for her in the working day.

[tillytrotter1]

Omg your DH organises his mum a gift?! Mine doesn't even do that

Sounds like mine, one year he said Stop going on, I'll organise Mum's present! On the day, family assembled, mainly mine and ours, his Mother was on her own and his sister was abroad, presents were given and received, large amount of folding money from her for each of us. Eventually nothing was left, Where's the present you got for your Mother? Of course, he hadn't.
It's that little word 'we' that I hated, What have we got for......?

[BarbedBloom]

Honestly mine was like this at first but I just didn't put up with it. I gave him a list of stuff to do and said it was the only time I was doing so, so he better memorise it. If he had expected me to do it then I would have ended my relationship as it shows a lack of respect for me and a lack of care for his family who would have received nothing. I am not saying this would work in every case, but I do think it helped getting together with a decent person in the first place.

My friend's have husbands who expect the sugar plum fairy to make Christmas happen but then they run around tying themselves in knots which let's their husbands off the hook as they know their wife will sort it. My friend last year had enough so she bought presents for her family but just signed them from herself and didn't set him a place at the dinner table. It was petty but it did get the message across and he has pitched in this year.

Of course you may have a man who doesn't care if people are disappointed or upset which again comes back to my question of why you want to be with someone like that anyway.

[SimonJT]

I do everything, including the cooking and food shop despite staying at someone elses house for xmas. I’m not hugely bothered about xmas, if I didn’t have my son I wouldn’t bother at all.

[PBo83]

I don't think you're being unreasonable with regards pulling his weight with the essential bits (dinner, presents for your children etc).

At the risk of playing devil's advocate, does he actually expect you to do a lot of the other things or is he just not fussed if they get done or not.

Like I previous poster said, Christmas a huge amount of stress and effort for one day. Personally, I eliminate as much of this as possible by:

• Only buying for wife/stepdaughter and agreeing with everyone else that they won't bother buying for me
• Putting up a tree (I'm not that fussed to be honest by my wife loves the tree and it has become 'my job' to sort). But not worrying about a 'theme'.
• Cooking normal roast with pigs in blankets ('cos they're awesome) but shunning a lot of the veg etc. that nobody's fussed about
• Not doing cards
• Seeing people 'around' Christmas when it suits everyone and not shoehorning them in.
• Minimising on the 'modern traditions' so no elf, no Christmas Eve Boxes, no December 1st stuff

We have a lovely Christmas.

It might be that your husband really isn't 'fussed' by a lot of Christmas. Obviously he should tell you this rather than let you run about sorting cards/presents for his family.

In my experience (and ONLY in my experience based on the people I associate with) men seem less interested in a lot of the 'niceties' around Christmas and are more than happy to forego stuff. I realised this when I first started living with my wife. She'd seem to get really stressed writing epic lists of presents to buy (extended family, friends and seemingly every child we know), she'd want to spend hours putting up elaborate decorations, writing cards and doing 3,794 types of veg with Christmas dinner.

After a couple of years of conflict we discussed it and it just turned out we had differing opinions as to what is important at Christmas. I now do what I can to make her/our Christmas special and she accepts that I don't see things the same way.

I always say that Christmas is like a BBQ in the summer. Some people want to make 14 different salads, have cous cous, cook salmon, make homemade kebabs etc. (this would be my wife). Some people just use the BBQ as an excuse to see friends so are happy with burgers, sausages, plastic cheese, ketchup and beer (that would be me). I'm sure it's equally frustrating to both parties.

Anyway, I've rambled...sorry!

[tinytoast]

How about you tell him what is expected and then leave it?

No need to bash men in general. Your partner is only like this because you let him be! Grow a backbone.

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

DH leaves most of the Christmas shopping to me, but will offer ideas and suggestions. He sorted most of DD2s present this year (she wanted an explorers kit and he had the ideas of what to put in it and what 'level' of stuff to buy) but wouldn't have a clue what DD1 is getting beyond the cheese selection box. However on Sunday I found him perusing bath bombs because he thought it would make a great stocking filler... Which it would but I had bought them weeks ago. So he chose lip balms instead. He rang me the other day as he had seen the perfect present for his parents and wanted to check I hadn't got one for them already.

I was slightly amused yesterday shin MIL presented him with a bill for the shopping she had done on his behalf!

Despite this... He's not a man child. He works away a lot and hasn't physically been around to do shopping. On the other hand be has organised every detail of our holiday. I'm not entirely sure where we are going!

[tinytoast]

Because it is lots of men. There are several threads running right now on the same topic, and many dozens every year. Lots.

Mumsnet is a site visited predominately by women who are statistically more than likely to be in hetrosexual couples.

I am sure if it was a more mixed site we would see a completely different story.

[MilkTrayLimeBarrel]

I feel for you OP! My DH is exactly the same! He has done NOTHING to help for Christmas. I have asked him numerous times to print off his card list, I have even offered to write the envelopes for his cards so all he has to do is sign them, but he just won't do it. I have now given the remaining unused cards to a family member who needed more, so I guess nothing will be sent! I also have to source, buy, and wrap presents for his children and grandchildren, and HE is the one who gets all the thanks. I have no children. Makes me so cross.

[WorraLiberty]

Just stop doing it then.

Your kids don't know it's Christmas anyway, so this is the perfect year to make your point.

People only act like that because there's never any consequence.