To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

[NurseryTrouble123]

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

[IrishNinja]

My OH used to be like this. He'd basically leave it to me and just hand me half the money. Until one year I thought fuck it and told him I'd vastly overspent. His eyes nearly popped out when I told him his "contribution". He was very relieved when I told him the real amount and took the hint. Strangely he'd never listened when I actually told him point blank I wasn't his feckin elf.

[Youhadmeathello1]

For 27 years I have done everything with regards to Christmas. Two years ago my husband bought me a joke book and last year - nothing! This year I have given him an extensive list so that there is no excuse! Also, I have refused to write any cards to his family or buy any of their presents. I have done my side of the family and our kids but the rest, for once, is up to him!

[sjonlegs]

I'm reading these responses and find myself nodding and have drawn the conclusion that :-

1. I'm an idiot (I do too much and always take ownership!)!
2. I need to care less (no bugger else does!)!
3. My DH is delusional ... but will be having a V rude awakening V soon.
4. DH will be food shopping and cooking on Christmas day!
5. Cards will NOT be sent this year due to time famine/waste of time/saving trees/no one else being remotely bothered/they are unsightly and the ones we have are on the floor/back of cupboards/eaten by the dog!
6. Everyone's ill and I'm menopausal... Christmas might well be cancelled anyways!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS :)

[Zaphodsotherhead]

All the smug marrieds who are denegrating those who have partners who don't help - they often don't start out that way. My XH was very keen on 50/50 around the house right up until our second child was born, I gave up work to be a SAHM, when he morphed into Me Big Man with Big Job. He'd been fine up until then.

They can change, and they can change very suddenly. You're often too busy to really notice it, and then a big do like Christmas comes along and you realise what's happened. But then it's too late, you can rage and shout and ask and suggest and tantrum all you like, but you get stonewalled, and if you value your kids' Christmas - you do the work.

[Phineyj]

That's certainly been my experience, Zaphod. I reset it with a big row now and again, but it's very wearing and neither of us have Big Jobs. It's like the sexism and structural inequality is some kind of big magnet? Force? That just drags you in if you take your eye off the ball.

Love your username, by the way.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

My family are currently sitting in the dark in the lounge watching tv. Nobody has thought to close the curtains, turn on the Christmas tree lights etc. It will stay that way until I do it. Would they not prefer to sit in a cosy, lit room? Yet, I can't seem to make anyone else do it.

I have this with my kids too and it does annoy me at times. However, I've noticed that if I ask the DC closest to the curtains to close them, he/she will quite happily, and same with the Christmas lights - might even get an "ooh, yes!" from 14yo DD!

I think it's ok to be stuck with some of the thinking role for a while, while they're still kids. It's when you're doing it for a grown adult that it's a problem. And even with kids, if you realise you're reminding them regularly, you just say, "I don't like telling you this every day. I'd like you to think of it for yourself."

It's training them to be decent adults of the future.

[theWarOnPeace]

My DH does pretty much an equal share of everything, has always changed nappies, done school drop offs or pick ups, will happily(ish) cook and clean. Over the last few years though, as my own work has picked up, I’ve realised how much extra stuff seems to fall to me and me only. The mental load, yes, but now also Christmas.

My DH loves Christmas, so do I, and we both have fairly high expectations of food, experiences for the kids, and getting the kids decent and reasonably ethical presents - not buying them loads of junk. The thing is, it’s this year that I’ve realised - he does absolutely fuck all to achieve any of this! I think in previous years I’ve just absorbed all the tasks without question, just gradually bought stuff for the kids, booked things, casually booked a Christmas delivery slot and then added nice food as its occurred to me. There are always mince pies on the go, enough wrapping paper, cards sent, kids plays and half term meet ups organised for them. Nipping out here and there to grab extra forgotten Christmassy things. Every year I put the lights on the tree and get the decorations out with the kids. I enjoy it, but he sits on the sofa until it’s time to put the angel on the top and he surfaces to join in. As the whole Christmas period adds up to about 10% of the year, and it can be stressful when I’m already bloody busy, he’s taking the piss.

It’s too late this year, as I’ve done pretty much everything, but next year he can either do it all in my stead, or fuck off. I’m not even going to book him a ticket for panto or ice skating next year if he doesn’t help.

I’m getting riled up now, and shocked at myself for not really realising up until now just how little he does! It must be nice, like a child, to have a ‘perfect’ Christmas just laid out for you with zero effort. God what a dick I am for not even noticing being taken for a mug!

[KatharinaRosalie]

My husband is very lucky, I buy all my family's presents without him reminding me, and even help him with dinner.

[DappledThings]

Nobody has thought to close the curtains, turn on the Christmas tree lights etc. It will stay that way until I do it. Would they not prefer to sit in a cosy, lit room

I do hate the curtains being open after dark but that's year round, nothing to do with Christmas. I never turn the tree lights on, DH does it because no, I really don't care enough to think to do it. Does that make me a bad person?

[theWarOnPeace]

Phineyj that’s what it feels like, like an invisible force that needs to be kept at bay, otherwise it takes over. It’s so bloody insidious! If my husband spilled something and then asked me to clean it up, I’d laugh in his face. Yet somehow I’ve managed to create a whole season using every spare minute I’ve got, to the point of being totally exhausted and eagerly awaiting the 23rd so I can have a slight break - before starting again on 24th when I take the kids to the crib service, do their stockings when they’re in bed, start prepping the dinner and probably get to bed at 2am on Christmas Eve, getting up with the kids at 6 and having to repeatedly tell my DH to get up and join in with them while he grumbles and rolls over. Then I get the dinner on! Wtf 🤦‍♀️

[BarbaraofSeville]

Stockings get mentioned a lot as a big chore - what are people doing to make it into such a time consuming effort?

Isn't it just picking up a few chocolates and token bits and pieces - toiletries, nuts, socks or whatever in the supermarket and sticking them in a stocking, pulled out of the cupboard from last year?

[ritzbiscuits]

My DH is very actively involved in childcare and chores in general, but at Christmas he's a bit useless. He'll take instruction but I take the mental load and do all the thinking around everything that needs doing.

He's always bought his own presents, which often ends up with random stuff being ordered for his parents at midnight on Amazon but that's his problem!

I'm getting a bit better at putting my foot down, this year I'm not cooking a full roast dinner. I personally find it time consuming and stressful, and don't want to spend half the day sat at the table with his parents who are big drinkers, while my little boy and I get bored! Now we're doing turkey sandwiches/buffet, he can get more involved in preparing it, no excuses!

[DappledThings]

BarbaraofSeville I'm intrigued by that too. I've picked up some stickers and some bell shaker things, DH picked up some chocolate sprouts and some small dinosaurs. Job done.

DC then have one big present each. Probably taken about 2 hours of work in total to get sorted.

[TheWinterCaillech]

Yes, lots of men are like that, and lots of women enable them to be so.
If you don’t like it, change the situation rather than grumble and resent.
Strike, make lists, do what you want rather than everything on the Stepford List for the Happy Family.
And raise your children with higher expectations of how adult roles in a partnership work.

[TheWinterCaillech]

I’ve never done anything for his side of the family other than sign cards. Tree and food are important to me, so that’s what I sort out. Cleaning thoroughly matters to him, because that’s what his mum always did as preparation...so HE cleans. I buy presents, he loves complicated wrapping...and so on.

[TheWinterCaillech]

And most of us are not ‘Smug Marrieds’ but frustrated and bewildered that so many women are still time-trapped in a 1950s bubble of wifework and fussing about ‘What will his family think?’

[theWarOnPeace]

Stockings get mentioned a lot as a big chore

No they’re not a big chore in themselves, I enjoy all of these aspects of Christmas - it’s the lack of help and lack of even thinking. In my case, I barely even realised that my husband doesn’t contribute, because I just sort of do it all unthinkingly. It’s this year when I’ve got loads of work on that I’m realising that I’m doing everything while he puts his feet up. It’s mostly done now though, so can only make sure next year is different.

[AlrightyyThen]

I used to buy all exDP’s Xmas presents for his family, write his cards, get the kids stuff. He would give me money if I asked for an amount to cover it. When we split I suddenly realised I was free and his poor (very close) family got a big reality shock when he got them... absolutely nothing for xmas

It was rubbish for them but almost satisfying in a way for me because it proved just how much I had been maintaining for years

[roisinagusniamh]

Too true TheWhiteCaillech...either that or/and people staying in miserable marriages where one partner doesn't appreciate what the other does.

[Instagrump]

@Zaphodsotherhead I fully agree with what you've said. That is definitely how it happens in a lot of cases.

My own DH is as invested in a proper Christmas as I am, if not more. We shop for gifts together and I actually have to rein him in because he always feels we haven't done enough. We work together with absolutely everything except cooking the dinner which is on me (though if I hand him the tatties or whatever he's more than happy to get peeling) BUT what you said rings very true with other things. He does do birthdays, cards and everything but I noticed this year that he must think school uniforms appear like magic. Somehow I was the one who had to pick, buy and label them. It was only when I was standing there at 10pm before school ironing them I though, "WHAT THE HELL?!" while he was on the xbox. I did tell him that next years are to be done by him. Only when thinking about it did I realise I've always had to do it. Funny, that.

[Nomorepleaseeeee]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3770830-So-many-martyrs-at-Christmas

[moimichme]

My take is that perhaps some of these men never had to lift a finger at Christmas during their childhood (apart from choosing a few gifts for close family members?) and so they subconsciously expect that to be how it works in their own family...? I've made the work (any cards, buying food, baking, wrapping gifts) more collaborative and public from day 1 with DH and also with my son. So they can see it doesn't all magically come together (though obviously ds isn't involved in everything!), and means the load is more evenly spread out over time and fairer, and hopefully seeing what is involved will mean ds will do his share when he's in a family of his own someday.

[PeggySuehadababy]

My contribution to Christmas is making a tiramisù and making sure we have Baileys . And going to church sometimes.

When I was little it was exciting receving presents we wouldn't normally buy (like clothes and toys) but these days we buy everything we need more regularly, we have Asda and amazon etc.. so it has lost a lot of magic.

[Beastieboys]

Because it is alot of men!!

[Phineyj]

@theWarOnPeace I only noticed how bad things had got in our house the year I was doing a very demanding job (about 70 hours a week, lots of evening work & only getting Sundays off). It really brought into focus all the 'little' things I do to keep things running. As an example, every Saturday I'd get home from work about 3ish and we'd have an argument about something like the undone laundry or who was more tired. If he'd been working those hours, fair enough, we'd probably still have had the competitive tiredness argument, but I'd have just got on and done the laundry without a reminder!

At that point I decided there was no use in seeking any further career advancement as I didn't have the energy (and don't earn the kind of sums where a nanny would be worth it).

Tbh Christmas is just the tip of a very irritating iceberg. And the solution is NOT making lists for the other person. I honestly cannot imagine 'doing' Christmas with a female friend or relative and needing to make lists.