To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

[NurseryTrouble123]

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

My DH is completely useless. Last year I was ill with the flu over Christmas. I went to bed on Christmas eve afternoon and could not get back up. The useless shit couldn't even put out the santa presents. We had guests arrive and the breakfast stuff from the day before was still on the kitchen table. He did nothing.

I do most of the actual buying, but we usually go through what we could get people together.
I do the cards as I don't mind but next year we won't be doing as many as the cost is just getting ridiculous.

I do the tree as I love to do it. We rarely host but are having my parents this year, I did the food order and DH did a double check to make sure i hadn't forgotten anything he wanted. He will get alcohol, cheeses and chutneys etc this week.

I organise all the silly frilly stuff ... Xmas eve boxes, advent calendars, Santa visits etc etc as I like to... If DH organised Xmas it would prob be a lot cheaper!! Lol

But I think it's pretty even for us to be fair. But I'll be honest it hasn't always been that way!

I asked my XP what he was doing for Christmas day, thought he'd be going to his parents (I've invited him here for Boxing Day, when it's open house). He said he was going to stay at home, just him and the dog. No decorations, no Christmas food, no presents - he just doesn't see the point.

Which I think sums up a lot of men. They genuinely don't see the point, which is why they don't bother stressing or getting organised or anything. They don't see the kids excitement as worth bothering with either.

Pippa, that ain't funny my love. Your kids didn't wake up to santa presents because you were ill? That's just heartbreaking. Does this man care about his kids happiness at all?

Where do you find all these useless men?
Is there a special place you go to meet meet such specimens?

My DH always seems so surprised it’s Christmas Day 🤣 his only contribution is to bitch and moan about money and get pissed as day. 🤷‍♀️

My husband also thinks Christmas magically appears throughout December. There must be a Christmas fairy. I organise everything. I have a twelve week old this year and on top of Christmas prep such as cleaning and sorting everyone’s presents/food I’m also Nursery hunting and trying to get odd jobs finished around the house. All I’ve asked is that he sorts his dad’s gift of our DD. Guess what he hasn’t done!?! I’ve lost my temper now and will not be looking after this man child anymore.

Why did you marry these selfish men?

I am currently lying in bed and am totally done. My partner just takes the piss when I say how tired I am. I work full time, then come home and work evenings and weekends running my business to pay for all the Christmas stuff. I also have a child with special needs. He had the cheek to imply I sit at work shopping online. In reality, I am up till 1am doing it then get up at 6 again to start the day. He had done fuck all and threw a wobbler because for one year I want to see my parents in Xmas day and was somehow unaware of this plan. He sees he has the 'big job'. Fair enough but I work FT and run a business. Rant over. Also literally zero help around the house.

what a sad thread.

My ex-husband was like this. DH is the complete opposite and will take over Christmas dinner cooking.

I hate the whole "ah men, aren't they useless" bollocks. It's what allows men to continue to treat women like the fucking help instead of equal partners

Why do people keep saying this is normal. No it isnt!! It's sheer laziness and disrespect!

Thankfully I only know one man like this and he universally mocked and people are disgusted by his behaviour. His wife has finally seen the light and kicked him out for being a lazy, useless shit.

I think some women actually bond over having useless husbands/partners.
On one level they don't actually mind it because it means they are in control but then it gets too much for them at Christmas and the moaning/bonding starts.

I'm very lucky. After being with ex husband for 12 years I had always done everything, otherwise we wouldn't have had Xmas because he was utterly lazy, selfish and useless. I met dp and he always does an equal share in gift buying, shopping etc. In fact this year because I'm snowed under with work he has done all the present buying, wrapping etc and is doing the food shop too. All I have to do is get his presents.. Im feeling very spoilt. I do think its rare though as most men I know leave it up to their partners or mothers to sort for them.

I always do everything Christmassy. I was a single mum for years so it seems normal for me to just crack on. My partner of 5 years is useless when it comes to planning of any sort, but what gets to me is being the only one who doesn't get a stocking to open on Christmas day. I sat there last year watching him and the kids opening theirs feeling a little sorry for myself. This year I've made stockings and hung them up on the fireplace. I've mentioned a few times that mine needs filling, but I know it'll come to Christmas eve, me filling theirs and him going into panic mode because he's forgotten.

It is quite apparent from this thread that women care significantly more about Christmas than men (at least they care a lot more about the 'niceties' of Christmas).

Does this mean men are 'wrong' though? I completely understand if your partner expects the 'perfect Christmas' but does nothing to facilitate that BUT if they genuinely couldn't care less, unless you are both deeply religious and 'have' to celebrate it, is anyone actually in the wrong if they would rather minimal fuss?

I'll be honest if rather do it all every year. We have shared finances so that's not an issue. If you want your partner to be more involved just tell him, some men these things don't come natural too.

Yes, they are wrong if, as with @MotherOfUnicorns4 above, they are content to enjoy the benefits of their partner doing things like Christmas stockings for them, while apparently never thinking that their partner might also enjoy a stocking. That's just being entitled and lazy.

In defence of my OH, he's ASD, so just forgets unless I constantly remind him. So I suppose I am my own worst enemy by getting my hopes up!

I read on MN some years ago a post saying f if weren't for women Christmas would have died out years ago. I agree.

I suspect they just think they don’t have to bother because their OH will do it all. Imagine if you spent most of your adult life having someone else do something for you, would you suddenly decide to start doing it one year without prompt?

You should ask for his help rather than being a martyr about it.

My oh doesn’t clean at all but great with Xmas. But the more I involve him and ask for help the better he is. If I expected without asking him to make Xmas happen it wouldn’t at all. But helps when I need

I read on MN some years ago a post saying f if weren't for women Christmas would have died out years ago. I agree.

As a man I would say that it wouldn't have died out but it would be a much simpler, less stressful and more enjoyable affair.

OH suggested I use a carpet cleaner on the carpets and furniture before xmas. Well that will keep him busy. Cheeky bugger.