To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

[NurseryTrouble123]

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

I admit I do the lion's share of Xmas. DH does have his 'regular duties' but then again I rather enjoy the 'fuss and bother'. All I ask is that DH stay the hell out of my way, doesn't complain about what I spend or cook, and if I do ask him to do something/help out that he does it 'expeditiously'. It's worked for 30+ years.

I think it's a case of 'begin as you mean to go on'. As newlyweds/newly living togethers we women tend to want to 'do it all' because it's new and novel, and we want it 'just so'. It's the thrill of First XmasTogether and all that. Or perhaps we want to guarantee that our family traditions carry on into our own homes. But it does rather set a precedent if we don't handover a good number of responsibilities (and then accept the results).

I'm dating a single father and he has managed to arrange everything for his FC, although he doesn't out any pressure on himself to make it perfect or deep clean the house or anything like that. He has no emotional attachment to making Christmas super special, he just goes through the motions and makes it nice for his DC.

I'm in a similar situation. It's interesting watching my DP (and I'm calling that even though we don't live together because he's over 50 and therefore too old to be a boyfriend). He has organised visits to relatives and got presents where he needs to. He's got presents for his DD, me and a few close friends. He does cards for quite a few friends. He doesn't bother cleaning the house more than usual. He doesn't normally cook much as neither he nor his DD are all that fussed. This year I'm cooking because I like doing it.

I'm not sure why some men who are quite capable at other times become incapable at Christmas. Maybe deep down they're not as reformed as we would hope and so still see Christmas as wife work. And I think the only thing you can do is stop doing it. Get presents for your family, get presents for the DC. Leave the rest.

Also, treat it as one day and one big roast meal. That's it.

Mine is the same. Great in most other respects but the mental load of Christmas gets left to me. Always. Hacks me off. But if I don’t do it nothing will get done.

If you marry a loser don’t be surprised when he acts like one. Plenty of men, my DH and brothers included, are not inept toss pots.

But unless they have a complete personality change on the way out of the registry office, you'd kind of know how they feel about Christmas before you marry them or have DC wouldn't you?

I didn't live with or have children with my DH before getting married and in fact, we only had one Christmas as a couple before getting married - so was only expected to buy a present for him. Totally different when you have kids!

Oh for fuck’s sake, the OP is not on about “marrying a loser”. She’s said, several times if people could be bothered to read, that her husband is perfectly normal the rest of the year.

Mine is the same. Great in most other respects but the mental load of Christmas gets left to me. Always. Hacks me off. But if I don’t do it nothing will get done.

There's a few posters on here saying effectively the same thing, that their partners are really 'hands on' and happily split household chores all year round but not at Christmas.

I see it like this: Hoovering, washing, ironing, shopping etc. are essential jobs all year round to ensure that everyone has food to eat, clean clothes to wear and don't live in a pigsty. Massively different working hours aside, most people will agree that its reasonable to split these things.

Christmas is different in that very little (some would argue none of) the 'Christmassy' bits are actually essential. Of course, if you have children then it's a bit mean if you don't 'make the effort' for them but the level of effort is surely open to debate. Maybe some people don't immediately feel the 'need' to do more because they don't see the point in it.

I make some effort (help cook dinner, put the tree up etc) because I want to help make it special for my wife (who loves Christmas) and stepdaughter. Personally, I can take or leave most bits so I could, left to my own devices, come across as 'lazy'. I don't care about presents and always agree that people don't buy for me and I'll return the favour.

I think me and my wife have finally settled on what works for us. I do still find it frustrating when she complains about 'having loads of presents to buy' when she insists on buying for EVERYONE but, in the words of Scrooge "You keep Christmas in your own way and I'll keep it in mine". Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy parts of Christmas but will happily forgo a lot of the 'high stress-high effort' non-essentials.

I don't think it is as black and white as being a male/female thing but, from experience, it typically is this way around.

Because it is lots of men. There are several threads running right now on the same topic, and many dozens every year. Lots

Well you're hardly going to get women on frequently saying what a great DH they've got etc etc, people only to tend to post the problems!

He knows what’s involved in Christmas, I shouldn’t need to make him a fucking list

He knows what you think Christmas involves. Does he agree though? Someone previously had a hoovering analogy that makes sense and a lot of other people have suggested you may be doing way more than is really required.

I agree with this. Obviously, you need to pull together to make things special for your kids (if you have them) and other family members to whom it means a lot - but if he genuinely isn't bothered and doesn't expect everything to be done, it does make you a bit demanding and martyrish to expect him to care as much as you do.

There are plenty of men out there who insist on washing their cars at least once a week as, otherwise, it won't be gleaming at all times and be a source of constant extreme pride with which they can impress and show off to their neighbours.

They are probably equally annoyed with their wives, who don't regularly clean it (if at all). They see it as a functional tool, which is used daily on dirty roads. Left to their own devices, they might just take it down for a jet wash once in a while or if they've come back from camping in a muddy field.

Meanwhile, their husbands are left thinking that she just doesn't see how important it is to have a sparkling clean car at all times. She always leaves it all to him and if he didn't do it, it just wouldn't ever get done.

Basically, I think you have to think of others (especially children) and make an effort for those to whom it really matters (including wives), but ultimately, I don't think you can (or should) try to make somebody passionate about something that really doesn't bother them much personally.

And of course receiving a gift creates a thank you task. Unless you don't believe in thanking people.

You can call or text someone to say thanks. Thank-you cards are so old-fashioned and I've never known anyone to send them, apart from weddings.

Jesus, this is depressing. It’s like Mrs Hinch, Christmas edition. So much pointless buying/faffing! Where’s the fun? Why are women supposed to buy into this crap?
I don’t send cards, buy presents for anyone except my dc and dh, or organise anything. Buy a few fun bits for stockings (trying to cut down on plastic tat these last few years) My and dh cook Christmas dinner together. Both our dads did it when we were growing up, no one was a martyr.
If dh doesn’t buy gifts for his mother or write cards or wrap tinsel around his testicles or whatever he deems necessary for festive joy and harmony, that’s not my problem and never will be. He’s an adult.

You can call or text someone to say thanks. Thank-you cards are so old-fashioned and I've never known anyone to send them, apart from weddings.

Yes, you can. Although for me having a phone or text conversation with someone I barely know in regards to a randomly received gift is quite a social task I wouldn't fancy. Interesting about cars though. I receive about 10 a year I would say as thank yous for various children's gifts and I send about 25 across Xmas and birthdays for 2DC. Definitely not unusual in my friends or family to send and receive them.

Regardless of gender if you are in a healthy, respectful relationship, the chores would be devided equally between you regardless of whether it is Christmas or not.
I know a lot of women come on these threads to moan about their partner's lack of help and want support from other woman but they really should be looking at every element of their relationship and questioning it's strength because if someone is not overally concerned while you are struggling during these times how will they react when there is areal crisis?

Regardless of gender if you are in a healthy, respectful relationship, the chores would be devided equally between you regardless of whether it is Christmas or not.

I disagree. I agree (with the exception of couples working significantly different hours) that generally chores should be divided fairly.

Most of Christmas isn't 'chores' though, it's preference and people's preferences and opinions on what elements of Christmas are/aren't important or 'essential' differ massively.

My partner is the same. The only thing he’s done is send some money over for presents and put lights on the tree. I do all the cards the Christmas activities with the kids all the shopping cooking organising etc. Every year I end up buying my own gifts from him and wrapping them. He won’t have a clue what he has actually bought anybody. My own dad was the same.

@PBo83 - I think what annoys me most about it though is that my family is small whereas DH has the bigger family (niece/nephews etc) yet I end up doing it all for his parents (he has a step parent also so that’s 3 on his side parent wise versus 2 on mine), my parents, his sisters and their husbands (4 on his side versus 2 on mine), nieces and nephews (3 on his side versus none on mine) and our DC. Plus ensuring all food lists made/shopping done and all wrapping paper bought and present wrapped plus all restaurants thought about and booked in advance and organise childcare (he refused to take any time off so it’s all down to me). And it’s because he hates Christmas. But his family don’t hate it (in fact as his mum is a massive church-goer it’s very important to her) and we now have a DC - so he needs to step up really. I work as much as he does (as in, I also have a full time job).

Plus on top of all that I’m still doing all the things I usually do (washing, drying, ensuring DC has clothes which fit, looking ahead to supplies of nappies, wipes, snacks, food etc) and it’s just bloody exhausting!!!

I just sometimes wish he’d help with Xmas - he refuses to look at anything until at least mid December by which time I’ve akrwsdy done most of it as otherwise it’s either a stress re things not arriving or then it’s last minute getting them wrapped when we’ve also got social events on. Just wish he would take responsibility for at least his side of the family but he never does!

Sorry, that was quite a long rant!

@burntpinky

That's fair enough, it doesn't seem fair that you're doing everything for his side of the family.

Like I say, it took a couple of years but me and my wife seem to have found a compromise (luckily I'm from the smaller family and mine are all happy to agree on a 'no card/presents' pact)

Although for me having a phone or text conversation with someone I barely know in regards to a randomly received gift is quite a social task I wouldn't fancy

You'd have to find out their contact details first. How many people know their cousin's MIL's phone number, or even remember their name, when they're not related and have met twice?

Why are you with men who have so little respect or care for you?

Why are you with men who have so little respect or care for you?

Seriously? Do some people just copy and paste this comment on every thread regardless of context?

My husband is like this, but he was like this when we met. He's not keen on Christmas and would genuinely go through the year without taking part. I do all the organization, shopping, decorating, etc, because I want to

Because you feel bad about them not getting anything

so did your DH manage to buy his family gifts before he met you? He did - great, he can continue! He didn't - well they are not expecting anything then.

No...it's a genuine question!
Especially for the women who not only shop and cook for the immediate family but also buy for their partner's family, why would you do all that?
Lack of self respect...people pleasing...low self esteem?

DH works a lot more hours than I do but he wouldn’t dream of leaving everything to me. We do the main food shop together & get most of the presents together ( he wraps, I tag). I write the cards. DH finds a nice meat recipe & will make that, then we do the veg together. He will often take responsibility for decorating the tree etc & he bakes mince pies, sausage rolls etc. He offers to make a veggie dish for DM. I think to buy craft activities for DD but DH will sit down with her to do them. I really can’t understand why some men think Christmas is down to the “ little woman”!