Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

294 replies

NurseryTrouble123 · 16/12/2019 10:10

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 16/12/2019 11:31

I do it all as otherwise it’ll be panic sainsbos on 24/12 - which is what happens for mine. He gets gin and what ever nibbles he thinks are “ a bit posh “. It’s kind of nice but I’d really rather just have salt and vinegar crisps 😂

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 16/12/2019 11:31

If my husband didn't buy his family presents, that's his problem - not mine. Tough shit. Yours only does F/A because he knows he can. Mine pulls his weight because he knows if he doesn't, it just won't get done.

NearlyGranny · 16/12/2019 11:32

Has everyone seen Troy Kinne's magic coffee table skit on YouTube? Says it all...

I'd do a link but I'm on my phone and it's too fiddly!

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 16/12/2019 11:33

I have asked him numerous times to print off his card list, I have even offered to write the envelopes for his cards so all he has to do is sign them, but he just won't do it. I have now given the remaining unused cards to a family member who needed more, so I guess nothing will be sent! I also have to source, buy, and wrap presents for his children and grandchildren, and HE is the one who gets all the thanks. I have no children. Makes me so cross.

Don't do cards, and don't buy his kids presents. Why are you doing any of this????

Bigsighall · 16/12/2019 11:34

I wouldn’t even consider getting the presents for his friends/ family. Why on earth would I?!

DappledThings · 16/12/2019 11:35

I also have to source, buy, and wrap presents for his children and grandchildren, and HE is the one who gets all the thanks

So presumably the converse is true. That if you didn't do it they would get no presents and you could then make it clear their own father/grandfather is to blame. Why wouldn't you let him be shown up if he just doesn't care enough?

ToffeePennie · 16/12/2019 11:36

Absolutely I relate to this post op!
So far my husband has used 1 day in which he has bought 3 gifts - me, biggest ds and youngest ds (so I don’t know all their gifts).
He does nothing else. No cards bought/written, no other gifts bought, no decorations done. Everything else is on me.
I’m lucky in that he’s a fantastic cook and will make our Christmas dinner but I swear he thinks the fairies do it all for him.

BlaueLagune · 16/12/2019 11:36

Maybe men have the right idea and we're the real idiots

I also think there's a lot of truth in this. Too many women trying to be the perfect mothers and as ever turning themselves into martyrs.

I have never written cards for my husband's family or bought them presents - he does it. Occasionally if I see something his mum might like I might buy it. He has occasionally bought something for my mum too if he's seen it too but we buy for our own families.

I also have to source, buy, and wrap presents for his children and grandchildren you don't have to, you choose to. Stop doing it.

roisinagusniamh · 16/12/2019 11:36

These thread are so silly...''why did I marry a child?'' is the only question the OP should ask herself and many women who have piled on this thread to complain about their husbands.
Yes there is a lot of work at Christmas time but most emotionally intelligent copuples share the load, regardless of whether you are in a same sex or heterosexual relationship.
If your partner leaves all the work to you, you need to analyse the whole relationship in terms of equality and respect.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2019 11:37

I also have to source, buy, and wrap presents for his children and grandchildren, and HE is the one who gets all the thanks. I have no children. Makes me so cross

Errrm...no you don't.

Unless there's been a change in the law that we're unaware of?

Natsku · 16/12/2019 11:37

YANBU, they know someone else (i.e. you/us) will do it so they don't bother.
My OH does at least buy presents for me (I tell him what I want but he also buys a surprise too) and the kids, and gets the tree and puts it up, but million other preparations don't occur to him. So this year I've made a list of all the jobs that need doing before Christmas and told him which jobs are his. Ideally I wouldn't have to do this and he would think for himself and do them anyway (but I am quite particular about how things are done and when they are done so I actually prefer the way that I tell him what to do and when)

My dad, who otherwise did sod all around the house, did actually do something at Christmas - he would go all out buying presents for mum, and would take us kids to the shops to get her presents too, and he did all the Christmas drink shopping (soft drinks, a lot of them).

WTFdidwedo · 16/12/2019 11:38

My husband is the cook in my house (all year around not just at Christmas) or we go to my parents' so have never had to bother with the food organisation. We also don't do any presents other than for our children, as our families are too large, which we both jointly choose. My husband is a much better decorator than me as well!

People who overly stress at Christmas strike me as needing to cut back on the expectations they put on themselves. Present buying for lots of people got too much for us all as a family a few years ago as we all had children so we just stopped doing it.

timeisnotaline · 16/12/2019 11:41

If he doesn’t get it, and the kids are too little to know, tell him it’s his turn to buy the presents and cook the meal. Get in something nice for you to eat if it’s a disaster, don’t share, and either you have the we are a team, I will share organising Christmas with my children’s partner or I will kick you out for Christmas , or you are pleasantly surprised and a whole new pattern has been set for the next few decades. Tell the whole family dh is doing it all.

tigglewiggle · 16/12/2019 11:42

I have done everything! If I left it to DH nothing would happen as he really does not care about Christmas and thinks it is all a load of rubbish! He would rather not be here and go and chase sun!

BarbaraofSeville · 16/12/2019 11:43

I also have to source, buy, and wrap presents for his children and grandchildren

Er, why? Genuine question for all those women who 'have to' buy presents, send cards and any other task for their equally capable male partner. Why? Says who?

Would he go out and buy your DM or any other relative a present? Send them cards on your behalf? No, of course not. So live by the same rules yourself.

roisinagusniamh · 16/12/2019 11:43

Worraliberty hahha!

SVRT19674 · 16/12/2019 11:45

This is spot on. My husband is the same.

NotGenerationAlpha · 16/12/2019 11:52

Just do what you want to do surely? And don't expect someone to share your view of magical christmas. I like the poster who shared the experience of a single dad doing christmas. I wrapped the children's presents and bought the children teachers ones too. But I'm sure there are parents who don't do that. DH does the decorations but we just have a tree and some lights on the stairs and a wreath. Food is just our normal food, I'm not sure what else are you cooking and is it really needed. Buy lots of booze and chocolates if you want.

NotGenerationAlpha · 16/12/2019 11:53

I don't understand why anyone needs to wrap their DH's side of the family's presents. I don't buy for his mum or his work's secret santa and what not. It's his responsibility. His mum manages to get something every year, abeit something from amazon. But she's happy enough to get them anyway.

CloseEncountersOfTheTerfKind · 16/12/2019 12:04

""My MIL has bought a present for my nephew on my side of the family. A baby she has met once over a year ago. She's dropping it off at mine tomorrow, creating a thank-you task for my sister as well as a task for her in the working day"

Wow, what a fucking bitch she is, buying and dropping off a present for a baby. Go NC immediately Hmm

OP, and others who agree that their men are selfish knobs, it's quite simple really, you just need to set your bar a bit higher.

Don't marry a selfish knob.
Don't marry someone who doesn't consider your feelings and isn't kind to you.
If they start beginning to behave like an unkind selfish knob, don't accept it.

Not just Christmas, but in general, as men like this don't suddenly act like this one day a year and are fine for other 364.

DappledThings · 16/12/2019 12:07

Wow, what a fucking bitch she is, buying and dropping off a present for a baby. Go NC immediately

That's silly. The PP at no point suggested it was an unpleasant thing to have done, just an entirely unnecessary one likely to be bemusing to the recipient rather than appreciated.

Straycatstrut · 16/12/2019 12:09

I keep saying this to people but just stop doing stuff for him. Stop cooking his meals, doing his washing - say you're too knackered and list off all the reasons why. In fact write them all down and give them to him to read.

I'm a single parent this Christmas for the first time and I've been in tears this morning, and on and off the last week. Trying to do everything, work, run the house, school runs, finances, forgetting to take the wheelie bin out yet again, or taking the wrong one out. Boiler showing up error codes. Toilet blocking. PLUS Christmas is so exhausting. It's something WAY beyond exhausting actually. My kids are missing out on so many Christmas activities because I just don't have the time/funds or the flipping energy. Kids don't seem bothered but I am it's killing me that they have to miss out. Their hyper behaviour makes it all so much harder too. Them squealing and screeching and jumping about and me worrying what the neighbours must think constantly.

I tell you what though - it'd be far worse if there was a manchild slobbing about the place, along for the easy ride. That creates a toxic environment for everyone. The resentment builds and builds until it boils over. At least on the evenings when I'd done all the graft , I'm physically and mentally hurting, and kids are in bed with their twinkly tights on and Christmas stories in their heads, I can settle down with a glass of wine in front of Netflix and feel proud of myself - rather than resenting the man who expects it all. Sex included. (I DO resent their dad for not giving a shit, but he has to take walking out on his family to his grave).

If I ever let another man into mine & my boys life again, I'd expect an equal partnership. First hint of selfishness with no good reason would be a huge red flag straight away.

CloseEncountersOfTheTerfKind · 16/12/2019 12:12

I tend to generally appreciate it when people buy gifts for my DC (although they are older now). And surely no gifts are essential as such, so they are generally unnecessary anyway? Anyway I don't think we need to be picky over words, I just thought there was a definite air of sighing and ingratitude in that post.

It could be worse, I could have said I would love my MIL to buy presents for my family, think yourself lucky Wink

DarlingNikita · 16/12/2019 12:13

I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!) And have you said all that to him?

Men will carry on 'not realising' about Christmas (and wifework in general) as long as women carry on just tutting and doing all the work.

cosima1 · 16/12/2019 12:13

My DH does nothing whatsoever and my kids are all teens or heading into teens now. He’s never wrapped a present for anyone and I actually have no idea why. It’s as much of a surprise to him to see what the kids open in Xmas morning as it is to the DC themselves. It’s all very well people saying, “just tell him”, but having to do that is just another thing to do and tbh, it’s easier to do it yourself.