To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

[NurseryTrouble123]

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

[Phineyj]

I meant to say also that how the heck can you know you will encounter this problem till you actually have the kids? Christmas with just a partner is much simpler. You can go away somewhere and get each other a nice gift. You often don't get to see what your partner is made of till way too late.

And all these people who basically victim-blame the person doing all the work because they didn't "communicate their expectations". I'm sorry. Their partners know. They just don't care and know they won't be blamed... It's not a communication issue (extreme cases like the poster above whose partner hadn't experienced a regular Christmas, excepted).

[PBo83]

ive thought a lot about this and i keep coming back to this isnt the excess present giving something women impose on each other? the men in my family couldnt give a toss if they got presents or not. so if we left it to them there would be no presents for grown ups at all and that would suit me just fine. i have a feeling that a man-led xmas would be food, booze and not v much stress. (( of course theres the small matter of kids presents i think they would get involved with kid presents, but tbh i quite enjoy doing that myself, the thing that drives me nuts is buying shit for prescriptive grown ups who dont need anything!)

That sounds like my idea of Christmas heaven. I'd make it even simpler, book the pub for Christmas lunch and you can have a couple of beers too!

[feelingverylazytoday]

Yes there is a lot of work at Christmas
Is there? Not in my house there isn't. Just symplify it as much as possible, it's far less stressful.

[CanIHaveADrink]

Plus, I suspect you have never actuallu stopped doing things.
I have (because i coudnt physically do it anymore). Its shit.
Niece and nephew got crap present every time (think a girls hat and scarf for his nephew...) every year since Ive stopped being involved.
The house had nothing bar a tree and a few baubles. Put up by him and wo the dcs help because he couldnt be bothered.

Its not just about 'women making suff too complicate and over the top'. Its a lot of the time about men who have bo clue how much work is inolved and still believe in the little fairies/Santa who is doing the work wo them realising.

[Singletomingle]

I once put the Christmas tree up to give my then wife a nice surprise, I was made to take it down and she was incredibly angry with me. I was also told I was rubbish and wrapping and not to bother. So never did those things. Shopping was always 50/50 usually sat down together and did bulk of it online or in 1 day. I always cooked Christmas dinner and bought the bulk of the food. These days I do it all myself including all presents bought and wrapped in 1 weekend and if I can help out with putting decorations up thats a bonus.

[smemorata]

I'll never forget the Christmas Eve morning that dh said to me "Perhaps we should buy some presents for the children?"

[WorraLiberty]

Absolutely no chance. He knows what’s invoiced in Christmas, I shouldn’t need to make him a fucking list. The rest of the year he manages to use his own initiative to open his eyes and see what needs doing and then do it. I just don’t understand why it’s so different at Christmas

So the alternative is you carry on being a resentful martyr.

Weird choice to make. It's almost as though you enjoy the misery of it all.

[CanIHaveADrink]

the men in my family couldnt give a toss if they got presents or not
so because the 'men' couldnt give a toss, the people who DO give a toss should shut and accept they wont get anything then???
Eg I should stop give a present to my mum even though this brings her much pleasure that her child and grand children are thinking about her because my Dh or my dad dont care??

Instead the women still do the work left (presents for the dcs) and should rejoice that its easier and they dont have as much work as before.
Great... NOT.

[dottiedodah]

YANBU. Many men seem to think they have married their Mothers ! Another thread today states how an NHS worker with just 2 days "off" has got sucked into doing all prep and 2 Christmas dinners (WTAF)!?My DH puts up the tree and lights ,I do all present buying ,wrapping and so on right down from his DN to the dog! I am lucky that our friend enjoys cooking, so will cook Christmas lunch for us (After many years of cooking for 4 of us and DM who wasnt well enough to cook really) this is very much appreciated .He will wash up /run out for errands /though.I think somewhere we swallowed the lie that we are good at multi tasking especially at Christmas !

[CanIHaveADrink]

@WorraLiberty no alternative is for men to stop playing the patriarchy card and the 'I dont care' card and just get the fuck on with participating to the family life 50/50

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU. Many men seem to think they have married their Mothers!

That's because they actually have.

People can only wipe their feet on us if we lie down and let them.

[WorraLiberty]

@WorraLiberty no alternative is for men to stop playing the patriarchy card and the 'I dont care' card and just get the fuck on with participating to the family life 50/50

Not going to happen in the case of the OP's DH, so she can either carry on enjoying the misery of it all, or write a list and hand it to him.

[Tenpenceabag]

My DC are 9 and 13 . Dh is as surprised as they are when they get presents from Father christmas and from us. He's never bought a present. Occasionally I have asked him to help wrap presents but he seems to get RSI after the first 2! He works 12 hour+ days for the lead up to christmas so I know the lions share will fall to me but he never ever acknowledges that theres a lot for me to do too. (I work about 28 hours/wk) I asked him to bid on something on ebay for DS but apparently it was too complicated for him!! He usually cooks christmas dinner so he gets loads of credit for that from guests etc

[Strictly1972]

Same in this house. I do enjoy it though & do a lot of my shopping online. It does annoy me doing all the wrapping on my own while the watches me!! I do work less hours than him though at the moment so can get bits done in the day.

[Tenpenceabag]

I'll never forget the Christmas Eve morning that dh said to me "Perhaps we should buy some presents for the children?"

I could completely imagine DH saying this to me!!🤣

[Sammi38]

Dh gets the tree in and my dd decorates it, My dh sorts cards and pressies for his family, I do mine, we jointly buy for the kids. He is in charge of ordering and collecting the meats and poultry from the butchers. I am in charge of planning and buying Christmas Day food (to be fair though, we don’t really go all out, mainly just the Christmas dinner stuff and a light buffet in the evening, we don’t drink and no one in the house has a sweet tooth).

I wrap all the presents, DH cooks the Christmas dinner, I clear it away and wash up. Dh prepares the buffet in the evening, and in the evening we both clear up and make it tidy. We both work to our strengths. I can’t cook to save my life!

[BarbaraofSeville]

Eg I should stop give a present to my mum even though this brings her much pleasure that her child and grand children are thinking about her because my Dh or my dad dont care

There's nothing to stop you giving a present to your mum, but what can stop is you buying his mum a present because you have decided that he should do that.

You could equally also not buy him anything, if he doesn't get you anything, or maybe just a little token and leave the buying of things that you actually want and need completely separate to Christmas.

Once you realise that's actually possible, where if you want something, you just go out and buy it, it's quite liberating.

[burritofan]

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples?
This year I did the bulk of presents and wrapping because I'm at home on maternity leave and he commutes; last year he did the lot, and cooked dinner for my extended family, because I was felled by morning sickness. Neither of us does the bulk; it's 50/50, whether that's split equally on each occasion, or stepping up more one year and less the other.

And I genuinely don't know any men like your DP! The majority of couples I know split everything equitably: Christmas, domestic labour, the much-derided life admin. Don't understand why anyone would choose to be in a relationship with a man who didn't participate in the work of running a life.

And as for the ones who play the "Oh I'm crap at laundry/groceries/Christmas" game where they bodge it up so they're not asked to do it again, I'd rather be single. It's not a man thing, it's an "enabling this behaviour" thing.

[Fundays12]

Dh is not lazy and pretty good about the house though I do most of the housework as I work much less hours. He does all our ironing but never organised anything for Christmas. He wrapped half the kids presents this year as I told him it was too much for me to sit up to 1 am for 2 nights running to wrap presents like last year. He has too Cook the Christmas dinner as he wants it. I personally would order an Indian takeaway and let the kids have a teddy bears picnic. If it was left to me he would end up with a take away but I organise everything rlse.

[Havaina]

Tell him that he needs to do half and ask him what jobs he wants to do. Tell him that he needs to do divvy the tasks up fairly or you will take DC to your parents for Christmas. And mean it.

[CanIHaveADrink]

@BarbaraofSeville does not applies to the children we have together too then? he cant be arsed to do the present buying at all so I am not doing any either???

If you read my post, I have the 'stopping to buy present forhis family' with the results I mentioned. Crap presents for the children involved.... Just as well that they are getting more thoughtfull presents from other peple isnt it?

[goingtoneedabiggercar]

DH used to do this, one year I told him I wasn't doing his families presents, I was fed up of it and organising either going up to see them or expensive postage. That year they got no presents, the following year he organised it all himself because he realised I meant it. To be fair he does all the cooking too but that's because he's a chef and he actually quite enjoys it, I'm usually his KP but this year I'll be looking after newborn DS while he whips up a lovely dinner lol.

[jinglebelldogs]

I would do absolutely nothing. If he questions it I would just say "I've decided to do exactly as you do at Christmas. Nothing".

[Astrabees]

I always want a "fancy" christmas, I want to make decorations, make some cards, bake and create new menus. i also have a significant number of relation to buy presents for and entertain. DH does contribute, but not 50% of the work. I know he would be happy enough if Christmas was just whatever M&S had and token presents. for those reasons it is fine with me. I am now the m;other of sons in their 20's and they want a fancy Christmas too, so they contribute to the cooking and baking instead.

[SachaStark]

DH is better than me when it comes to the Christmas shopping. He makes the list of gifts we need to buy for everybody each year, and browses for most of the stuff. Largely because he just loves a bargain, and I think he sees Christmas as some kind of mega voucher code challenge.

Aside from just that, though, I just can’t imagine marrying, or staying married to, a man child who “can’t” complete housework or errands (probably because they’ve been conditioned to see it as women’s work).

Sure, when DH and I first moved in with each other when we were dating, I found that he didn’t know how to clean certain things/how often things should be cleaned/what cleaning materials should be used, largely because it was clear that he’d grown up in a house where his parents hadn’t taught him how to clean and do chores. You can bet your left buttcheek that this did NOT last long. I made it very clear that leaving a woman to do all his housework was not acceptable, and now he’s very good with the housework and errands.