To think lots of men must believe in Santa? It’s the only explanation

[NurseryTrouble123]

DH and I have a pretty equal relationship in most respects - parenting, cooking, etc. I wish he’d clean more, but no one is perfect.

But when it comes to Christmas he does nothing. This morning he bought his first present and Christmas card while at the supermarket (for his niece - that gift, something for me and something for his mum are the only things he’ll buy). I used to love Christmas but now I just dread it. I’m lucky the kids aren’t aware that it’s Christmas so have no expectations - this is probably the last year I can get away with it being like this.

He seems to think Christmas just happens - he hasn’t spent a second thinking about what to get the kids, what food we need, ordering the food, arranging plans with family, decorating, properly cleaning the house, etc. When I speak to my friends, even those with very equal partners are doing the vast majority of the extra Christmas-related work.

I’m now wondering if he thinks that presents just magically arrive fully wrapped, food just arrives, decorations just exist in the loft ready to be put up... does he still think santa is real? It’s the only possible explanation for so many men being so completely shit at this time of year.

I’m sure some will tell us lovely stories of their partners doing the bulk of Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner; wrapping and buying all the gifts etc. I’m sure men like that exist but AIBU to think this is not the case for the vast majority of couples? Considering a strike for next year TBH. I just don’t understand how men who don’t usually practice this level of strategic incompetence, and who are usually not oblivious to what needs doing, are suddenly completely blind to these things because it’s christmas-related.

(And yes, I have spoken to him about it but he says deeply annoying things like “I don’t know what to buy”, as if I haven’t had to spend ages figuring out what to get, or “you should just ask for help” as if he doesn’t know that people need gifts, Christmas means a Christmas dinner, or that the tree needs to go up. It’s not “helping” me because it shouldn’t just be my job!)

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think the reason we take on the work is that SOME men will just play the 'oh, I can't be bothered with Christmas' card. So we leave present buying up to them? They get a box of Milk Tray for everyone. Refuse to buy Christmas food? They have cheese on toast and aren't bothered about it. Don't put up decorations? Well, they always hate those anyway.

We do it because we want the kids to enjoy the day, we want nice food and a festive house. Some men (not all, obviously) genuinely don't care.

[CanIHaveADrink]

Some men (not all, obviously) genuinely don't care.

And others play the 'I dont care' card to not lift a finger whilst enjoying all the perks (because we dont want our dcs to miss out) and feeling good that they've managed to get away with it once more.

[WorraLiberty]

We do it because we want the kids to enjoy the day, we want nice food and a festive house. Some men (not all, obviously) genuinely don't care.

But unless they have a complete personality change on the way out of the registry office, you'd kind of know how they feel about Christmas before you marry them or have DC wouldn't you?

[NameChangeNugget]

It’s him, not most men

[wellthatwasthat]

When they do do something, it is inevitably wrong, despite explicit instructions of exactly what they need to do.

I was at work this morning, DH had the morning off. Were there any tasks that needed doing, he asked. I said yes. Could he please go and buy some 'new baby boy' wrapping paper and two silver tags. Explained we needed two tags because there are two presents, one from us and one from dd. What do I find when I get home? Bright red Christmas wrapping paper, and one tag. Aaarghh. What's the bloody point?

[NemophilistRebel]

I buy for my family, he buys for his.
He does the wrapping, and if he wants to send cards he does that (I am not bothered)
We split buying for children.
Can’t see how hard it is for any man to agree to that as it’s fair.

[NemophilistRebel]

@wellthatwasthat did he do that on purpose so he wouldn’t be asked again?

[SachaStark]

See, in the wrong wrapping paper and incorrect number of tags scenario, I would just send DH straight back to the supermarket until he’d purchased the correct thing. Why accept mediocrity when he is perfectly capable of fulfilling the task properly?

[Zenithbear]

Yabu.
Mine absolutely loves Christmas. If anything he goes overboard and buys really thoughtful presents. He wraps his presents and helps with all the prep and shopping apart from the baking which I love doing anyway.

[AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse]

I love doing it all myself. I think because I was a single. Mum for 7 years I had no choice. When I met dh I just carried on.

He will run out Xmas eve after work to get a card that's all.. We've decided no gifts for each other this Yr. Which makes it easy. Although I've got soemthing from his dd and from our dd. Just a few cds.
I'm due in Jan so can't drink. No point in clothes. Got all niew pjs already and enout sweet crap and treats to last forever. So I'll just take his card to buy soemthing when baby here and I fancy something.

I do all the food lists and prep.. He's meant to be cooking this Yr. But I'll. Do the meat Xmas eve when he's at work.

I even get all his dds gifts.. As I think sensibly at what she'd like and use, he'd buy loads and loads of whatever for the sake of it.
I do all the card writing and wrapping.

I enjoy it. It has been a struggle this Yr as just moved and pregnant and a demanding toddler. If I asked him to do something he'd do it.

He loves the fact that he's juts as surprised as the dcs whne they open gifts has he hadn't a clue.

[LucyFox]

Maybe all the things you are stressing about aren’t important to him? Have you had a conversation about what you each want Christmas to look like and how to make that happen?
Are you trying to have the “perfect Christmas” as it looks on TV adverts rather than the Christmas that works for your family right now? Who says you NEED a fancy dinner or lots of gifts or a tree or ... if he & the kids would be happy with fish fingers & oven chips for dinner maybe that’s something you need to think about & reduce your own stress?

[CloseEncountersOfTheTerfKind]

Isn't it amazing how these adult men (presumably) manage to function competently in their jobs and other areas? I doubt many people like to file paperwork or tot up an expenses claim by a certain deadline but can manage to do it no problem.

[BallacheForLife]

My DP would be exactly like you describe if I hadn't put my foot down. Now we compromise. I do all the shopping (presents and food but don't buy for his parents and family). He then does all the wrapping and the cooking on Xmas day. Works for us but only because I told him he needed to step up

[Chocolateandamaretto]

My husband does the bulk of Christmas presents now tbh, and all the wrapping. I do the food. I hate Christmas shopping and I loathe and detest wrapping so we just do the bits we enjoy and care more about.

[flyingspaghettimonster]

I do 98% of christmas. Choose, Order or buy tbe presents, wrap all the presents including for his brother and parents, buy the xmas food, cook the xmas food, buy and wrap tge stocking fillers etc etc. He helps shove the stocking fillers in the stockings, some years wraps a couple of gifts if I am running late, sometimes buys me a gift if there is money left on xmas ever when he gets round to shopping.

I don't really kind, though. I love xmas and present shopping etc and I don't work. He works long hours and is always tired in the evenings. I think it is fair enough. I do wish every year he would think ahead a few months to sort me a gift though before we get too poor for it.

[Phineyj]

See, every time there's one of these threads there's always at least one poster who states that everything is split evenly in their relationship and apparently all those around them. I just don't believe it. I mean, no doubt some of them are speaking the truth about their own relationships, but as an economist, I just don't buy that all the stats on gendered division of household tasks are wrong.

But yes I'm sure if we could all find the magic words, the lazy partners would wake up and say: 'good gracious - this division of labour, it's so unfair!'...

[roisinagusniamh]

The martyrdom of some women, eh?
Your husbands are so lucky to have you!
But you must have been desperate to marry such usless men!

[thecatsthecats]

Thank you for defending me @DappledThings.

No, I don't think my MIL is a bitch for getting my nephew a gift. It's a gesture that comes from a good place.

But put it in the context of all the babies she must have the same level of relationship with (no blood relation, no personal relation with the parents, met baby once and mum twice), it is a crackers approach to gift buying. She must know at least two dozen babies under similar relationship rules. If you are buying gifts for people like that, you are almost certainly creating more of an obligation than genuine gratitude, as well as work and expense for yourself.

But then I guess at least she raised a son who does his own share of the shopping independently.

[ginghamtablecloths]

Don't be a martyr. Tell DH that you're not doing it all from now on and that you expect help with ... whatever.
If he's not prepared to help, Christmas won't happen. You are not a slave.

[CosmoK]

See, every time there's one of these threads there's always at least one poster who states that everything is split evenly in their relationship and apparently all those around them. I just don't believe it. I mean, no doubt some of them are speaking the truth about their own relationships, but as an economist, I just don't buy that all the stats on gendered division of household tasks are wrong

They aren't wrong BUT we tend to surround ourselves with like-minded people. Me and my DH do share things equally as do the vast majority of our friends. That's because we all share the same values and we have chosen partners on that basis.
We do know relationships where the men are useless and lazy but they aren't people we spend a lot of time with and their behaviour is often used as an example of how not to behave in a relationship. These equal relationships do exist.

[dayslikethese1]

I think men have the right idea; all the buying at Christmas is crazy.

[dayslikethese1]

Me and DP are equal in that neither of us really care about Christmas so we both do the minimum. He's better at cooking though.

[dayslikethese1]

But I do the tree cos I like doing that

[roisinagusniamh]

OMG! A husband bought red wrapping paper for a baby boy present, ..that is so, so awful and only one tag!!
The new baby will be devastated!
You obviously married an incompetent fool Poster!

[PBo83]

@roisinaggusniamh

I salute your epic use of sarcasm! :)