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AIBU to be annoyed with DH re finances/his mum

132 replies

butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:45

so, just checking the bank account this morning, and see a large (over £1.5K) payment out, which I don't recognise from DH's account. (we each have own, plus a joint account and savings, which is always bloody empty).

So, I text and say what's this? Bank have categorised as 'eating out' - ?! As it transpires, basically, it is a transfer to his mum so she can get her dental implants fixed. What's that I say???

Apparently he's been 'looking after' this money since 2015 for her. But it was transferred from his UK current account,and the 'looking after' was in a bank account in european country where he is from.

I say 'what'? you never told me about this. So, there was approx £1.5K sitting in another bank account, which was his mum's incase she split from husband. For gods sake.

I am really cross and frustrated as:
(a) she can pay for her bloody teeth
(b) she could set up a bank account in HER OWN ACTUAL NAME
(c) DH did not tell me any of this. and
(d) DH Did not EVER tell me any of this.
(e) we are generally right in to our overdraft each month, and this is bad news for us right now financially.

gaaagh. I just want to cry. He just doesn't talk to me about money. he just spends it. WE have none, and he wants to go on a holiday which we can't afford, repaying his mum, not thinking that it puts us in a right mess, and I really want to take away all his cards and try and get him to understand.

so, AIBU to be be frustrated???

OP posts:

debbs77 · 16/12/2019 09:48

I'm confused? I've read that as he was looking after it for her in a separate account, and now she needed it?

Surely that is absolutely fine???


CarolinaPink · 16/12/2019 09:49

I don't quite get it, OP. Are you saying his mum gave it to him to look after for her? If so then I don't understand why you're annoyed Confused


butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:49

yes it was apparently in a separate account, but I had no knowledge.

Plus, the account he has 'repaid' from is not the account which the money was apparently in.

So has therefore left us very much skint.
£1.5K is a big amount for us.

OP posts:

OlaEliza · 16/12/2019 09:49

Yabu. It was her money, not yours.


Reallybadidea · 16/12/2019 09:50

So can't he just transfer the money that he was looking after from his other account into this one?


butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:51

so maybe I've not been super clear - the money has been given to his mum from one of our UK current accounts, and therefore we are now skint.

OP posts:

MiniGuinness · 16/12/2019 09:51

You don’t believe it was hers? Actually, nor would I, but why are you checking his account?


butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:52

yes @reallybadidea if that had happened, I would have understood. I would be annoyed he hadn't told me about this money he was looking after, but there would be no financial loss to us as a family.
The way he's done it, we are now very broke, as the money has been paid out from our accounts here, not the one in his home country.

OP posts:

TheFairyCaravan · 16/12/2019 09:53

So he's transferred the money from a regular account, not the one it was being "looked after" in? Does the other account even exist? That would be my worry


Bluntness100 · 16/12/2019 09:53

So he spent the original 1.5 k, and so paid it back when she needed it?

Sorry I'm also not clear. It seems she gave him 1.5 k to look after, he spent it, and is now repaying it, is that correct?


butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:54

I do a quick check on our accounts on the banking app fairly often, just to see how much money we have, and if bill payments have gone out etc. We each have visibility of our current accounts, kids savings and our savings (not that there is antying in those).

OP posts:

TheresWaldo · 16/12/2019 09:54

Surely he needs to transfer the cash from the other account to his?


Bigbigboots · 16/12/2019 09:54

You are not being clear, no. It reads as he was keeping £1500 of his mother's money for her and now he has given it back. That doesn't affect your finances.


ActualHornist · 16/12/2019 09:54

Are you waiting for the money from his mums account to hit yours then?

YANBU if he’s not intending to recover the money from her, and quickly. But if it’s en route as irritating as it is....actually YAstillNBU.

Unexpected large payments out should be discussed at the very least. Doesn’t make a difference if it’s to fix someone’s teeth!


Lulualla · 16/12/2019 09:54

So where is the £1.5k he said was sitting in another account?

Surely, if she gave him the money to keep for her, then he just needs to give it back. It shouldn't be coming out of your budget or your normal accounts. It should be coming out of the account he was holding it in.

Or are you saying he's spent the money she gave him on himself I'm secret, and has now taken the money back from your family accounts? Leaving you £1500 out of pocket, and hes had £1500 spent on himself?


IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 16/12/2019 09:55

Why can’t he just transfer the money from the foreign account into your account now?


butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:56

ah but @bigbigboots it does, as he paid it back from our UK account, and not from the account in which is apparently was.

Anyway, most of you seem to think I'm being a grumpy old cow about it, as it was motheri-in-law's money.

It's just a super awful time of year to have an unexpected £1.5K leaving the bank. She asked for it on Friday apparently, but was not mentioned to me. I'd have suggested paying in two or three payments if we had to return it from the UK accounts. Still waiting to hear why it couldn't be repaid from the european account.

OP posts:

AiryFairyMum · 16/12/2019 09:56

Cant he pay the money from the other account into his one here? Am I right in thinking it was his account it came out of, not a joint one?


Bluntness100 · 16/12/2019 09:57

Eh, no one even hinted you were a grumpy old cow, everyone is asking you to explain.


Lulualla · 16/12/2019 09:57

But where is the money? There is a missing £1500 right now. Where has he put it? He needs to put it back into your accounts.


butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:58

@actualhornist - this is what annoys me, as he didn't discuss it at all. If he's been minding this money, and she needs it back, OK - but I would like to know, as the method of repaying has implications for us.

I have no idea why the european bank hasn't been used to do the repayment, as he doesn't use that AFAIK, so it should still have just been in there.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 09:59

If he was just holding the money for her then it's hers
It does sound like he's not transparent enough with you though


fedup21 · 16/12/2019 09:59

She gave him £1500 to look after-all Fine.
She wants it back-all fine.
He paid her out of your current account rather than where the money was-WHY?!

Why didn’t he pay her back from where the money was?

If he’s spent the money without taking you, then he’s a dick. Your post isn’t making this clear though.


TheFairyCaravan · 16/12/2019 10:01

You need to sit him down tonight and make him prove to you that the £1.5k is in the European bank account. He then needs to action the transfer of that back to your UK account.

I'd be absolutely bloody fuming with him.


butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 10:01

ok, so possibly i am a bit unreasonable, as it is MIL money, but it's been repaid from the 'wrong' account, and we are now very, very broke.

I have no problem with repaying MIL, but I do have a problem with DH not telling me about any of this.

I'll need to speak ot DH tonight about this properly.

thanks for the responses.
must do some work now!

OP posts:
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