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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with DH re finances/his mum

132 replies

butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:45

so, just checking the bank account this morning, and see a large (over £1.5K) payment out, which I don't recognise from DH's account. (we each have own, plus a joint account and savings, which is always bloody empty).

So, I text and say what's this? Bank have categorised as 'eating out' - ?! As it transpires, basically, it is a transfer to his mum so she can get her dental implants fixed. What's that I say???

Apparently he's been 'looking after' this money since 2015 for her. But it was transferred from his UK current account,and the 'looking after' was in a bank account in european country where he is from.

I say 'what'? you never told me about this. So, there was approx £1.5K sitting in another bank account, which was his mum's incase she split from husband. For gods sake.

I am really cross and frustrated as:
(a) she can pay for her bloody teeth
(b) she could set up a bank account in HER OWN ACTUAL NAME
(c) DH did not tell me any of this. and
(d) DH Did not EVER tell me any of this.
(e) we are generally right in to our overdraft each month, and this is bad news for us right now financially.

gaaagh. I just want to cry. He just doesn't talk to me about money. he just spends it. WE have none, and he wants to go on a holiday which we can't afford, repaying his mum, not thinking that it puts us in a right mess, and I really want to take away all his cards and try and get him to understand.

so, AIBU to be be frustrated???

OP posts:
Lulualla · 16/12/2019 22:30

*didn't he say

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 16/12/2019 22:31

She has given your DH £1500 to “look after” for her, then she chipped away at it over time, and now she’s asked for “her” £1500 back. “Hmm- you spent it Mum!” Should have been what your DH said.

If he’s telling you the truth. I have my doubts.

Gazelda · 16/12/2019 22:35

So the original 1500 has been spent on flights etc.
And now DH has transferred 1500 to his DM.
So you (as a family) are 1500 down?
And presumably still broke.
I wouldn't be taking this so passively.

NearlyGranny · 16/12/2019 22:41

He has deliberately run you short just before Christmas essentially bailing his DM out with money that wasn't owed to her.

Firstly he should have involved you in discussion about this before doing it, so you could both look at the impact it would have. Secondly it was either naïve or dismissive of him to say he thought you wouldn't notice it was gone. Thirdly he has put his mother's needs ahead of his children's which is not right.

Is he typically feckless with money? You need to have a heart-to-heart talk and agree some ground rules for finances or he'll be doing this again.

dontcallmeduck · 16/12/2019 23:00

Totally confused now. Your original AIBU was nothing to get worked up over, the actual situation now you know it is something to get extremely upset about. Your MIL has spent the money so your DH shouldn’t have used your money at all.

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 17/12/2019 06:05

If his story is true he should be able to account for each and every withdrawal from the original £1500. I'm sorry to say though it looks like he is the one who has spent it.

Lesson learned, OP. No more secret accounts and financial arrangements with his mother.

MerryDeath · 17/12/2019 06:29

?! well it's not MIL money if it's never entered your accounts is it? sure he can't expect to take her money into a private account, spend it (obviously), then repay from joint funds?

Havaina · 17/12/2019 06:35

I'm so confused 😂

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2019 06:38

Had she spent all of the money or just some of it and he topped it up?

BlouseAndSkirt · 17/12/2019 06:49

did not know that DH was 'looking after' this money for his mum. And I actually think that's something he should have discussed, or at least mentioned

If it was in a different account, just for her money, I don’t see why he should tell you this actually. It isn’t your business.

It is your business that he has messed up your cash flow but surely he can simply transfer the money from the other account.

You are not ‘broke ‘ or ‘skint’, you have a temporary cash flow problem: and that is caused by his lack of planning.

BlouseAndSkirt · 17/12/2019 06:57

Sorry: missed your update of 22.05

What do you mean ‘at his Mum’s request fir the kids flights ‘? So to pay for your kids flights? Who did you think paid for the flights? Spent by him, or her? Confused

Actually, never mind....

Whatever is going on I hope it all works out and all money ends up where it should be.

Pippa12 · 17/12/2019 07:39

OP you aren’t making any sense, is your DH suggesting that he’s paid for the dental work because the money he was ‘saving’ for his mum has gone because she’s spent it??? In which case he should’ve said no mum you’ve spent it. Sounds more like he’s dipped in it himself and been caught short when she’s asked for it back...

FWIW I save money in a holding account regularly for my parents (usually to surprise the other for Xmas/big birthdays) in fact as a family we often do this... I don’t think it’s a big deal personally... Nothing to sit down and chat about, until now when it’s been spent Confused

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 08:33

What do you mean at his mum's request.

It sounds like he spent the money, owed it to her, and so paid her back from available funds.

katewhinesalot · 17/12/2019 09:15

I read it as there was more than the 1.5k in the account originally and mil has told dh to spend it on flights etc, as and when needed. Now she needed 1. 5k back. It sounds as if there is still enough money in the account but he did it from the UK account for speed.

Is that right op? So you'll get the money back and all is good?

Original poster
butteriesplease · 17/12/2019 09:38

hi, i appear to have been very unclear in all my posts - !

his mum asked DH to 'mind' approx £1.5K in total I gather. this was put into DH's own account, which is in his home country, in 2015.

Between then and now, MIL has told DH to use some of this money to pay for our kids to visit her in the summer. He is not sure how much this totals up to as yet. It would not be the full amount I wouldn't think as they fly budget airlines.

She is having £5K worth of dental work and needed the £1.5K back. DH gave her this back, and is working out what is left in his account from what she asked him to 'mind' and then will get things sorted out and return any balance. He also uses this account to pay for a private pension, so transfers in from UK a few times a year to cover this.

He agrees he should have discussed this, as it was a terrible time to transfer money. He has also agreed that he will not 'mind' money for his mum again.

he has form for being rubbish with finances, and we are going to get properly sorted in January.

Thanks for all your replies, perspectives and info: Cheerio!

OP posts:
Havaina · 17/12/2019 09:43

Between then and now, MIL has told DH to use some of this money to pay for our kids to visit her in the summer.

He should have added up what the flights cost and any other expenses and deducted this amount from the £1500.

Is he going to add up what the flights costs and ask his mum to send him the money?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 09:46

So you didn’t know how much your kids flights were or how they were paid for? Confused didn’t you say “oh- how can we afford the flights?”

Also- he’s been paying a private pension out of money his mother gave him to look after? Hmm

OP I think you need to see that account. Your DH is fudging the facts here.

katewhinesalot · 17/12/2019 09:49

So you are the cost of the flights down. I'd be furious unless I thought I was paying for the flights anyway in which case you are where you thought you are. How did you think the flights had been paid for?

53rdWay · 17/12/2019 09:51

I’m still confused. So is this what happened?

2015: “Son, I need you to look after £1500 for me”
sometime since then: “Son, I need you to spend some of that £1500 on flights.”
Now: “Son, I need that £1500 back.”

So he didn’t have the £1500 to give her because she’d already spent some of it through him, but he gave her £1500 back anyway? So what he’s in fact done is returned her some money plus lent her some money, all from an account which didn’t hold the money in the first place?

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2019 09:58

So there still isn't enough money in that account?

NameChangeNugget · 17/12/2019 10:12

I am still lost

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 17/12/2019 10:17

Yabu, your husbands mum wanted her money back for dental treatment, it’s not for you to decide you’d rather her be paid in instalments Hmm.

It’s HER money, and she does not need to discuss this with you, it’s her son that holding her money in his bank account.

Entitled much!

Lulualla · 17/12/2019 10:21

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

The MIL gave her son the money to look after. Then asked her son so use the money to pay for some family expenses, as gifts from her, then she came along and asked for the full amount back. She spent it already! So they money he has given her isn't her money; its theirs.

FreedomfromPE · 17/12/2019 10:35

"Minding" money sounds pretty dodgy really. It's her money. I do agree on that point. Not legally though unless a contract was in place. But she's not entitled to hiding her money I love all these people completely fine with that Hmm. I love all the greedy so and sos on here acting as though the op is trying to take the money only a theif thinks everyone steals.
OP I think your posts were quite clear. Just a lot of people reading their own issues into it

FreedomfromPE · 17/12/2019 10:38

Except the flight costs. Those are yours and I am guessing they were paid out of family money anyway?!
It sounds as though your DH is hiding finances too. Akward when the MILs reason is in case her marriage doesn't last. It looks as though the DH is of this mindset too.