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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with DH re finances/his mum

132 replies

butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:45

so, just checking the bank account this morning, and see a large (over £1.5K) payment out, which I don't recognise from DH's account. (we each have own, plus a joint account and savings, which is always bloody empty).

So, I text and say what's this? Bank have categorised as 'eating out' - ?! As it transpires, basically, it is a transfer to his mum so she can get her dental implants fixed. What's that I say???

Apparently he's been 'looking after' this money since 2015 for her. But it was transferred from his UK current account,and the 'looking after' was in a bank account in european country where he is from.

I say 'what'? you never told me about this. So, there was approx £1.5K sitting in another bank account, which was his mum's incase she split from husband. For gods sake.

I am really cross and frustrated as:
(a) she can pay for her bloody teeth
(b) she could set up a bank account in HER OWN ACTUAL NAME
(c) DH did not tell me any of this. and
(d) DH Did not EVER tell me any of this.
(e) we are generally right in to our overdraft each month, and this is bad news for us right now financially.

gaaagh. I just want to cry. He just doesn't talk to me about money. he just spends it. WE have none, and he wants to go on a holiday which we can't afford, repaying his mum, not thinking that it puts us in a right mess, and I really want to take away all his cards and try and get him to understand.

so, AIBU to be be frustrated???

OP posts:
PinkDaffodil2 · 16/12/2019 10:02

So does he still have the £1500 in a European bank account? In which case he can transfer it into your current account. So long as you don’t have any overdraft charges due to the delay and he hasn’t dragged his feet getting the money then I guess that’s alright, but odd he didn’t talk to you about it.
If he has spent it then that’s obviously a big deal.

katewhinesalot · 16/12/2019 10:02

You are right to be annoyed at the draining of your bank account. But surely it's temporary until the other money hits your account?

If it never will, you should be furious with dh.

Obligatorync · 16/12/2019 10:03

Do you doubt it was her money? I would certainly ask that he replace it from the other account asap. If he doesn't, it makes this a lot worse.

onanothertrain · 16/12/2019 10:03

It's her money. Why should you be allowed to pay in back in instalments. It doesn't matter that it's an inconvenient time because it's HER money.

paranoidmum2 · 16/12/2019 10:03

YANBU. If she agreed to have the money sitting in the European account then she should wait until the money has been withdrawn/transferred from that account.

Like

Original poster
butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 10:03

@fairycaravan -yes, that's it exactly!

OP posts:
LunasOrchid · 16/12/2019 10:03

For those of you who don't understand...

OP's husband apparently has been keeping £1500 of his mother's money in a separate european bank account. OP had no idea it existed (still no proof it does).

MIL has asked DH for the £1500 for new teeth.

DH has transferred £1500 from his personal account rather than the European account without discussing it with OP. This is family money and now they are £1500 down which could leave the family struggling.

OP is concerned as to why DH has used family money to give to MIL rather than transferring the money straight from the European account.

OP this sounds so dodgy to me. I dont believe there is another account with £1500 in. Your husband has either given or loaned your MIL the money without discussing it with you. He didn't think you would notice. But you have so now this other account is a fabrication to cover his deception. Asshole.

Hope you're ok Cake

paranoidmum2 · 16/12/2019 10:03

Like pp, I doubt this other account actually exists.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 16/12/2019 10:05

but it's been repaid from the 'wrong' account, and we are now very, very broke.

Except you’re not because he can do a online transfer that will replace the missing £1.5k in a matter of hours. Click of a button. Text him now and tell him to do it so bills are covered.

katmarie · 16/12/2019 10:06

Has the money gone from your uk bank account to mil's uk bank account? If that's the case then that is probably why he did it. A bank transfer from outside of the uk to inside will likely attract additional charges, and depending on the exchange rate, you might not get out what you put in originally.

I dont blame you for being annoyed, he should have discussed it with you.

Partimers · 16/12/2019 10:06

ok, so possibly i am a bit unreasonable, as it is MIL money, but it's been repaid from the 'wrong' account, and we are now very, very broke.

So where is the money??? Can he not just now transfer it to the current account from the European one???Confused

LunasOrchid · 16/12/2019 10:07

Please don't doubt yourself OP. YANBU!

It is not your MIL's money... It's yours and your family's! Your husband is out of order using family money to give to his DM!

GingleJangleScarecrow · 16/12/2019 10:09

This makes no sense OP.
Just transfer the 1500 from wherever it is.
Nobody has lost out - or you have left a vital piece of information out of your post.

paranoidmum2 · 16/12/2019 10:09

Except you’re not because he can do a online transfer that will replace the missing £1.5k in a matter of hours. Click of a button. Text him now and tell him to do it so bills are covered.

That's not necessarily true. I had a French bank account and I couldn't even withdraw the money from here in UK let alone do a bank transfer!

Palavah · 16/12/2019 10:10

In the meantime suggest you contact the bank to arrange overdraft to cover outgoings until the mystery £1.5k comes back from its European trip

Lulualla · 16/12/2019 10:11

Where is the money??
It's like getting blood from a stone here.

Have you asked him "where is the £1500 she gave you?" Or "when are you going to replace the £1500 with the money from the other account?"

Has he spent it?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 16/12/2019 10:12

Really paranoid? How long ago was this?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 16/12/2019 10:14

Op only discovered the missing money in the last couple of hours and is dealing with her DH by text so presumably he is working and can’t get to his phone to reply straight away. She’s waiting to hear where the other money is and hopefully that he will transfer it ASAP.

Powerplant · 16/12/2019 10:15

Did he not realise it would leave you with no money now? So begs the question why didn’t he first transfer from the foreign account where the money is held then explained to his mum that it might take some days to arrange so not leaving you in debt. More importantly though told you of the situation. Hope you get it sorted

paranoidmum2 · 16/12/2019 10:15

Over 10 years ago @IWork, so I appreciate that my experience is not current.

Also, I have relatives abroad and I have tried to do a money transfer to them from my bank account very recently and it was nearly impossible, so had to resort to Western Union.

The main thing is that it's not OP's fault her DH is being less than forthcoming about this account. It could be a lie.

Thestrangestthing · 16/12/2019 10:17

Guarantee there is no money in a eauropean account.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/12/2019 10:17

DH has transferred £1500 from his personal account

So it's his personal account, not the joint family one?

I'm staggered that you think this is any of your business to be honest.

dontcallmeduck · 16/12/2019 10:18

YABVU to be mad at your MIL. It’s her money, she has every right to it and it should not need to be paid in instalments as it’s hers. Your DH also didn’t need to tell you about it, maybe she wanted it kept quiet and he was being respectful. Especially since it shouldn’t have affected you in anyway.

If your DH doesn’t repay the money from his other account or has spent the money then of course you have every right to be angry with him.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 10:18

He either realises that he has no authority to make major changes to your finances without your agreement or you change the account parameters so that he can't.

dontcallmeduck · 16/12/2019 10:18

I’m also totally confused why you are checking his account.