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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with DH re finances/his mum

132 replies

butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 09:45

so, just checking the bank account this morning, and see a large (over £1.5K) payment out, which I don't recognise from DH's account. (we each have own, plus a joint account and savings, which is always bloody empty).

So, I text and say what's this? Bank have categorised as 'eating out' - ?! As it transpires, basically, it is a transfer to his mum so she can get her dental implants fixed. What's that I say???

Apparently he's been 'looking after' this money since 2015 for her. But it was transferred from his UK current account,and the 'looking after' was in a bank account in european country where he is from.

I say 'what'? you never told me about this. So, there was approx £1.5K sitting in another bank account, which was his mum's incase she split from husband. For gods sake.

I am really cross and frustrated as:
(a) she can pay for her bloody teeth
(b) she could set up a bank account in HER OWN ACTUAL NAME
(c) DH did not tell me any of this. and
(d) DH Did not EVER tell me any of this.
(e) we are generally right in to our overdraft each month, and this is bad news for us right now financially.

gaaagh. I just want to cry. He just doesn't talk to me about money. he just spends it. WE have none, and he wants to go on a holiday which we can't afford, repaying his mum, not thinking that it puts us in a right mess, and I really want to take away all his cards and try and get him to understand.

so, AIBU to be be frustrated???

OP posts:
Travis1 · 16/12/2019 10:20

Well he obviously needs to transfer the £1500 he has been 'keeping' in the european account into the UK accounts but I'd bet my last fiver on him already having spent the money!

Sounds like you have more issues than just this OP. Time to start making changes!

CalmFizz · 16/12/2019 10:21

The problem is where is the original £1.5k.

Once that’s been located and returned to the uk account he did pay out from, all is well.

JockTamsonsBairns · 16/12/2019 10:22

Lunasorchid "He didn't think you would notice".
Of course he would know that she'd notice though? If the transfer of £1.5k out of their current account leaves them skint, then how could she not notice?

OP, is it that you're worried the money doesn't exist in any European bank account? Or that your dh has spent it? Or that there was no money in the first place and, therefore, this sum of money is a gift to MiL?
Sorry, I'm not clear either.

whitershadeofpale · 16/12/2019 10:22

Sounds like his mum gave him the money years ago and he’s ‘borrowed’ it, I’ll it thinking she’d need it any time soon. Now she wants it for her teeth, he’s spent it and rather than fess up he’s replaced it from family money.

onanothertrain · 16/12/2019 10:24

Is the money not from his personal account though, not from the joint account.

JockTamsonsBairns · 16/12/2019 10:24

Oh, it came from his own personal account rather than the joint current account? Sorry, I missed that bit.

strawberrieshortcake · 16/12/2019 10:27

??? YABU to be angry at ur MIL because it’s clearly your husbands fault not your MIL’s

paranoidmum2 · 16/12/2019 10:28

So at this stage we don't even know if OP is a SAHM or works part-time to look after their children, and yet people are crying 'it's HIS account HIS money'. How depressing.

Chloemol · 16/12/2019 10:28

Just tell him to transfer the money from the account it’s held in

paranoidmum2 · 16/12/2019 10:31

@Chloemol she already has, RTFT

Spacebowlisback · 16/12/2019 10:32

So basically he’s spent his mum’s money (unbeknownst to you) and now he has to pay it back? She’s not be unreasonable and you’re right to be annoyed but not at her.

LigPatin · 16/12/2019 10:33

Confusing way to write it OP but I think this is the situation?

Your DH has given his Mum £1500 from family money.
He claims that she previously sent him £1500 to look after, which he placed in a different bank account in Europe, so he's just returning her money to her.

OK so the scenario could either be

  1. That he needs to transfer the money from the European account to his own, to replace the £1500

  2. That there is no European account - he lied about looking after the money for his mum, it was an excuse cover the fact that he has given/loaned his Mum £1500

  3. That his mum Had given him £1500, but he's since spent it. If there's a European account, then it's empty. He is now having to cover the £1500 from his own account.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/12/2019 10:34

YANBU to be upset that your DH has made a mess of looking after and transferring this money. He ought to have told you about it just because it's not the sort of thing you'd expect him to keep from you. And it seems to have interfered with your family finances, which isn't cool.

YABU to be cross with his mother. It's her money and she can ask for it and spend it how she likes.

Going forward I'd be asking if he has any more financial surprises up his sleeve because he doesn't seem very adept at them.

Reallynowdear · 16/12/2019 10:35

If he cannot transfer the original £1,500 into his account, YANBU

Has he explained why this hasn't been done yet so you're not left without such a large amount just before Christmas?

Howlovely · 16/12/2019 10:38

Am I right in thinking, OP, that you regularly check your family finances online and have seen that there was about £1500 in an account your family relies on for bills or whatever. Not knowing about this secret money from his mum, you obviously assumed that that £1500 was available for general family use, to pay bills, etc. All of a sudden this money disappears, sending you into a panic about where this money has gone and how you are going to pay for everything now?
It's kind of irrelevant if it's his mum's money or not, the problem is that what you thought you had in the bank, you now don't have. It's not always that simple to transfer money from different countries so it might not be a case of just clicking a button and transferring it from a European account, if indeed this account exists.
I don't think you can be annoyed at your husband for secretly looking after this money for his mum, that's between them but you can be annoyed for him transferring the money, which you believed to be money available for family use, from an account your family relies on. I think you just need to get him to tell you the truth about where the original £1500 is and what the hell he's going to do about putting it back so you are not skint over Christmas.

Tartyflette · 16/12/2019 10:39

There probably will be charges in xferring the money from a European bank account (in euros?) to a UK one. If there is money there, of course.
A regular xfer charge by the sending/receiving banks -- could be either or both, plus commission on the exchange rate for converting it to sterling .... none of which you should have to pay, pass them on to your MIL. Good luck...,

Original poster
butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 10:47

thanks for the replies.

to confirm: I know that the european account exsits, but have no oversight of it. Will ask this evening.

I did not know that DH was 'looking after' this money for his mum. And I actually think that's something he should have discussed, or at least mentioned.

Yes, of course his mum is entitled to her money back, but ideally from the account to which it originally went, and not from the accounts which pay for our day to day living.

Also it's quite short notice and I would imagine that the dental work has been booked for a wee bit, so we could have spread the repaymenbts if needs be.

If he has spent the money in the european account I will be extremely angry, as it wasn't his to spend. If it's sat there then I need to know why he can't give it back to his mum directly via that account, or repay our account.

also, he gets paid later this week, so could have waited until then even.

I've told him we are having a proper discussion about it all this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
butteriesplease · 16/12/2019 10:50

also, am not annoyed with him mum (about this anyway!) it's very much all DH.

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 16/12/2019 10:51

As Lig explained. Worse if it actually has nothing to do with his mum.

But it does sound that he used the other money and didn't expect his mum to ask for the money back now. The question is what he spent it on. If it was for normal family costs, then it's not great he didn't discuss it with you but ultimately it would mean that as a couple you are not managing your money well. If he spent it on himself, then you do have a OH problem indeed.

dontcallmeduck · 16/12/2019 10:53

Also it's quite short notice and I would imagine that the dental work has been booked for a wee bit, so we could have spread the repaymenbts if needs be.

The above is unreasonable, it’s her money. Not your or your DHs. You havent borrowed it off her for your own use, it’s her money given to your DH to keep safe. There should be absolutely no need for repayments

NorthernLightss · 16/12/2019 10:59

This doesn't make any sense. If you owe someone Euros, and have an account with Euros in it, why pay from an account glassing GBP? Let's say the European account does have the money in it, then the money will be held in Euros? And rather than transferring his mum's Euros directly to his mum, he has paid her from an account holding GBP? In that case not only is this a really convoluted way of doing things, but he's unnecessarily caused an exchange rate issue as well - £1500 surely won't exactly equal the exact amount of Euros (1500ish?) that he was holding for her? So he had to change the GBP into Euros and then when he transfers the Euros from the European account back into your UK amount, you'll again be dealing with exchange rates? It really makes no sense. I would demand to see the European account today.

tinytoast · 16/12/2019 10:59

I did not know that DH was 'looking after' this money for his mum. And I actually think that's something he should have discussed, or at least mentioned.

I disagree. The 'looking after' the money has nothing to do with you. It is an agreement between them. It was her money.

However, he should have moved it from the bank it was originally being kept in. Is this a shared account where you both put in your salaries?

NorthernLightss · 16/12/2019 11:00

Glassing GBP should read "holding GBP"

Alez · 16/12/2019 11:10

For those saying it's easy to transfer money from the European account to the UK account - it isn't necessarily. I have french friends who can't transfer money abroad without going into their bank branch. I'm sure there will be other countries with similar banking systems.

Alez · 16/12/2019 11:11

so YANBU - you might not get that money for a while. Tbh that's probably why he repaid it from the UK account.