AIBU to be annoyed with DH re finances/his mum

[butteriesplease]

so, just checking the bank account this morning, and see a large (over £1.5K) payment out, which I don't recognise from DH's account. (we each have own, plus a joint account and savings, which is always bloody empty).

So, I text and say what's this? Bank have categorised as 'eating out' - ?! As it transpires, basically, it is a transfer to his mum so she can get her dental implants fixed. What's that I say???

Apparently he's been 'looking after' this money since 2015 for her. But it was transferred from his UK current account,and the 'looking after' was in a bank account in european country where he is from.

I say 'what'? you never told me about this. So, there was approx £1.5K sitting in another bank account, which was his mum's incase she split from husband. For gods sake.

I am really cross and frustrated as:
(a) she can pay for her bloody teeth
(b) she could set up a bank account in HER OWN ACTUAL NAME
(c) DH did not tell me any of this. and
(d) DH Did not EVER tell me any of this.
(e) we are generally right in to our overdraft each month, and this is bad news for us right now financially.

gaaagh. I just want to cry. He just doesn't talk to me about money. he just spends it. WE have none, and he wants to go on a holiday which we can't afford, repaying his mum, not thinking that it puts us in a right mess, and I really want to take away all his cards and try and get him to understand.

so, AIBU to be be frustrated???

[Apolloanddaphne]

It's possible his DM wanted the money quickly and didn't give him much notice to get it from the European account. Perhaps he has our the wheels in motion to access this money and replace the family coffers. OP needs to speak to her DH about this and give him a chance to explain surely?

[CSIblonde]

There is probably no "other account" , otherwise why didn't he use it? Or, his other account is where he siphons off money (ex legal sec, a lot of men hide/siphon money in case of separation/divorce). If it's her £ she's entitled to it back I'm afraid.

[Singinghollybob]

Maybe you could wait til you have a proper discussion with him this evening and get the full facts re: his plans for transferring it from the European account, before getting yourself all worked up.

[StoppinBy]

YANBU to expect him to tell you about this.

It does effect you as now the money he has 'repaid' her means that you as a family are short money that was presumed to be yours.

IMO you have every right to see all the accounts that make up your families finances. All of our accounts are visible to me when I log on to our internet banking (and same for DH). The only accounts that we don't have to answer to each other for are the ones that we each get a small ($30) bit of spending money in each week. If that kind of money went out of any of our other accounts of course the other one of us would be questioning it.

I am surprised all the time by families who do not have transparent finances. Imagine if something happened to one of them and the finances were inaccessible to the other one or they were unaware of what financial position they are now in.

[RedandYellowSunrise]

I don't think marriage means we have to tell everyone everything. Agree he shouldn't have used joint account to repay but I would look after money from my mum and not tell dh, especially if as originally said it was an escape fund.

From Op I say

what'? you never told me about this. So, there was approx £1.5K sitting in another bank account, which was his mum's incase she split from husband.

[Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas]

Oh, and if he is going to move money overseas, get him to use TransferWise. Much cheaper!

[timeisnotaline]

Of course your dh needs to return the money from the Eu account to your accounts NOW. Transferwise will do it in a day. I’d say I’ll have to call mil , say you’ve spent her money and are leaving us to starve over Christmas so he can pretend to her he hasn’t if it’s not back in 24 hours. (Ok I wouldn’t say starve).
Then yes a serious conversation about how unacceptable this is.

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I absolutely agree that your dh shouldn't be transferring money out of your family finances without a clear plan as to how it can be quickly replaced. I'm not sure though that he is under any obligation to discuss looking after a sum of money for his mum? I look after about £700 for ds which sits in a savings account - he's saving up for a trip next year after he graduates, and felt he didn't want to run the risk of dipping into it. DH doesn't know about this, not because of any big secrecy as such, just that it's between ds and I.

[Dontdisturbmenow]

Why are essential bills paid out of his account though? Surely they should come out of the joint account and each are free to do what you want from your individual ones,

[CakeandCustard28]

If I was you, I would be contacting her myself and telling her to repay it immediately and wait for her money from whatever account it’s in to transfer over.

[NorthEndGal]

It will be interesting to see where your dh says her money ended up.

[Drum2018]

Also it's quite short notice and I would imagine that the dental work has been booked for a wee bit, so we could have spread the repaymenbts if needs be.

Your mil gave him £1500 to hold. Why do you think she should accept it back in instalments? She is entitled to get it back in full with a couple of days notice, unless the money was in an account that notice has to be given to release it. And if it was in such an account then Dh should have made mil aware of this and told her how much notice would be required in order to transfer it back to her. Your mil is not at fault here. Your Dh is the only one at fault for taking the money from your household funds. He did not need to tell you that he was holding this money for his mother - that was originally none of your business. Unfortunately he made it your business by taking funds from the wrong account so he's the only one to be annoyed at.

[steff13]

Why are essential bills paid out of his account though? Surely they should come out of the joint account and each are free to do what you want from your individual ones.

This was my thinking as well. If he's not putting enough money into the joint account to pay his share of the bills, that should be addressed.

[MrsWhites]

I think your husband has spent the money in the European account OP, if not then why wouldn’t he have backfilled the money he’s repaid to MIL straight away?

Also, Mumsnet is a mad place sometimes. When someone posts about a husband who has separate finances from them everyone shouts about why would a couple have separate finances?? Yet a wife posting that she has checked her husbands account has people shouting that it’s not of her business!

[Newbie1981]

So he transfers it from the one it's in. Simple no?

[Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas]

I also think he's spent the money. Your problem is not with your MIL.

[Areyoufree]

I wouldn't care if my husband was looking after some money for one of his parents, without telling me, so YABU on that score.

However, unless he can transfer the money from the European bank account, I would be pissed off. I would definitely want to know why the money hadn't come from there originally - and probably also why it needed to go in that account in the first place. I can understand wanting to keep it separate, but, in that case, you would pay it back from there. Hopefully though, OP, it will just turn out to be a convenience thing - she needed the money quickly, and transferring it would take time.

[CrimsonCattery]

Have you spoken to him yet OP?

[Coquohvan]

Paranoidmum2 sorry can’t tag you

We transfer money from our Uk bank account to our French account regular, also use an newish app One Pay FX which is free no charges at all. There latest next working day.
Have done this for almost 20 years. At a push you can also do PayPal Uk to PayPal.fr
OP hope you get answers and the money is still in your European account.

[butteriesplease]

So spoke to dh. The money was in his account in Europe. It has been used at his mums request for a few things for the kids -flights etc over the years. She needed the mobey back in a hurry to pay towards expensive dental work. he used a uk account so she could have whole amount. He was very apologetic about not letting me know. Still cross but glad to know what's happened.

[IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory]

So there is no money in the European account? His mum asked him to spend it on your kids flights to see her? So she owes you £1500k

[timeisnotaline]

But she’d spent it. She didn’t have it. So she asked to borrow money at very short notice and that should be a joint decision between you. That should never happen again without consultation and your agreement.

[Lulualla]

So is she paying it back?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

So there is no other money? How will you pay your rent / mortgage and buy food?

[Lulualla]

Why did he say "but mum, you've spent that money so I dont have it. We cant afford to loan you anything."