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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
magoria · 16/12/2019 20:34

Send him one more text.

Tell him you have told him no. This is not about you. Your DS has made it clear he does not want to see him. He is free to send the letter/gifts via his mother but will not be seeing your son and upsetting him the day before Christmas. You are now blocking him and if he turns up you will call the police. (you don't actually have to block him)

You have to be strong and do this for your son. He has made it clear he wants you to.

bringbacksideburns · 16/12/2019 20:37

I wouldn't engage and I would not respond to him again. Block his number now and tell your mother not to engage too.

Get legal advice. Maybe a solicitor can draft a letter asap explaining exactly the terms of indirect contact once again to him and that he is never to contact you again.

I woulf also pop in and speak to the Police for advice and to have it flagged up in case he turns up at the doorstep and won't go or tries to harass you again in the future.

I think he needs a visit from social services.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 16/12/2019 20:38

I would take your court order (which I agree says he can only have indirect contact) and those messages to the police now, explain your son is frightened and ask them to visit him and warn him off. If you can afford a solicitor then its definitely worth speaking with one of those too.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 20:38

@oabiti, yes I am, I don’t know what is the solicitor’s going rate these days but back in the time I was dealing with my abusive ex a single solicitor letter was £100, a one afternoon fight involving solicitors over him approaching the door was £700, a fun day out at the coast/countryside/museum for DS, myself and one of his friends, just about £50 and that without considering he reduced levels of anxiety.

When dealing with abusive people the priority is not being right but to keep sane.

And I can assure you the police won’t intervene, it is a civil matter, police will only tell you over the phone to ring your solicitor or go back to court.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 16/12/2019 20:42

If he does not want to see him, he does to have to tell his father that, face-to-face.

No, the DS does not have to tell his father face to face.

He has stated his wishes. Forcing him to face his father could cause real damage to his MH. I should know, my DS refuses to see his dad. And I respect his wishes.

Namechangeree · 16/12/2019 20:43

Try texting:

DS is not keen to meet up with you and wants to keep to indirect contact only. No presents are needed for him. but if do you want to send something do this via post or via your mum. Please do not visit here in person.

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 20:47

How can a stupid text message have me fall apart like this. I will not. Ill call a solicitor in the morning and see if I can have a letter sent out to him and will try and think of a reply to send to this which isnt 'Yey that solves the problem then. DS wants nothing to do with you or your stupid presents you abusive dickhead. Go away and stay away!
Going to have a brew and some cake and calm down

Go, OP!

This is all good.
The not falling apart.
The calling a solicitor
The [brew[ and Cake .

Do you have any written report from the counsellor or school or any other independent body that records your Ds's decision not to be in touch with his father?

Be clear in your head what you want to solicitor to say, I just wondered if it would help if the solicitor could say ' I have seen an independent report that confirms that your son has been fairly consulted and has made his own decision not to be in contact'.

And a warning about harassment, and the terms of 'indirect contact'

Definitely get a solicitors letter sent.

Then block him.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/12/2019 20:47

If he does not want to see him, he does to have to tell his father that, face-to-face.

This is entirely wrong. A court ordered indirect contact. The courts wouldn't do that if they truly believed that contact in any form was appropriate or acceptable. The fact is, her son is old enough to say no and have it trusted, accepted and honoured by everyone. The fact that the Ex (I won't call him Dad because he isn't a dad in any form) won't accept that is nothing to do with the son - it's simply another way to try and control a situation. And claims like this help nobody.

Flowers Op. I feel for you and honestly think you need to seek some legal advice and involve the police. Their initial "he's not approaching you" response was useless but please don't let that put you off talking to them now.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 20:49

Op, post in the legal matters topic, you may get some proper advise from a solicitor (there are plenty in mumsnet) on how to stop this nonsense.

HappyHedgehog247 · 16/12/2019 20:51

Court orders are worth their weight in gold at times like this. Do not let this man bully you or your DS.

doritosdip · 16/12/2019 20:51

My Ds is NC with his Dad. He wouldn't want a gift from him as he'd see the gift as loaded with expectation that he'd change his mind (a bribe)

doritosdip · 16/12/2019 20:53

"A judge would say that Ds has the right to choose whether or not to have contact. Please do not turn up or I will call the police"

Babybel90 · 16/12/2019 20:54

It doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s unfair that your DS doesn’t want to speak to him, he’s not entitled to what he’s asking for and he’s being very unreasonable. He’s not the boss of you or your DS.

I know you shouldn’t have to but I’d seriously consider going somewhere else on the 24th or having a lot of friends around at your house who will support you and your DS.

I wouldn’t reply to his message because he’s not listening to you and you can’t argue with someone that pig-headed.

Just know this, you’re in the right here.

PatriciaHolm · 16/12/2019 20:57

Right then - "DS does not want your presents. He wants nothing from you. We will not be here on Dec 24."

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 21:01

Don't reply to his latest text until you have spoken to a solicitor.
Just get a solicitor letter sent out.
If it is agreed that a solicitor will write, just respond to any further texts with 'my solicitor will reply' and then block him.

"The Respondent mother shall make the children available for indirect contact only with the applicant father, limited to letters, cards and gifts" This is so clear that the ONLY contact can be indirect. I am not sure what 'shall make the children available for indirect contact' means - make sure he has an address to send cards to? Make sure there is an email address ? You have done those things.

doritosdip · 16/12/2019 21:04

Having read more replies, the person who said that the ex is owed an explanation directly from the Ds is being ridiculous. Of course an abused person doesn't have to face their abuser and say what they honestly think. Ffs Angry

The fact that this man is only allowed indirect contact and never took it back to court later says everything.

notthemum · 16/12/2019 21:07

At 15 the court would abide by your sons decision. If he doesn't want to see him he doesn't have to. If he doesn't want to explain he doesn't have to. If you feel you must reply then just say DC wants no contact at all. If you turn up/harass either of us in any way the police will be called immediately.
Do not answer the door to him. Make sure your phones are charged and ready to call police if necessary

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 16/12/2019 21:10

OP give the police a call on 101 tomorrow.

Tell them

  1. there is a court order in place stipulating he is to have indirect contact only

  2. you have explicitly told him not to come to your home

  3. he has informed you twice that he intends to come to your home and have contact with your child.

Ask them what you can do if he turns up.

Also speak to your solicitor tomorrow and get them to write a very firm letter telling him he is to cease all communication with you and under no circumstances is he to attend your home at any time.

If he contacts you in any way again- go to the police and open a harassment case.

AuntSpiker · 16/12/2019 21:11

You poor thing, he's very like my XH. I'd send a message saying 'the court order allows indirect contact only'. Leave it at that then get a solicitor to send him a letter. It's better to come from them rather than you, it makes it less personal.

holidayhelpp · 16/12/2019 21:17

Freedom programme op, stat.

Isthisit22 · 16/12/2019 21:31

This is awful for you op.
Totally agree with people saying text him once more telling him you will call the police if he turns up then if he starts any of his previous behaviour complain to the police repeatedly until they do something. Stalking is a crime--don't be fobbed off by the police

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 16/12/2019 21:34

Having now received 17 missed calls, I have replied

To reiterate you are not to attend the property on the 24th December or at any other time. In the event you ignore this request we will not answer the door to you. In the event of any disturbance the police will be called. I am not willing to enter any further discussion over this matter. If you feel the current court order is wrong you are free to apply back to court to have it varied.

Shit will now hit the fan .....

OP posts:
Original poster
Chaosdragon · 16/12/2019 21:39

I'm going to go to bed I think. Had no sleep last night stressing about the whole nonsense. Thank you everyone for your support. Its nice to know I am not alone.

Flowers
OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 16/12/2019 21:40

You could always add (at some point in the future shit-show) something along the lines of "You have long since lost the right to tell me what I will or will not do."

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/12/2019 21:42

You're doing the right thing OP - you're protecting your son from a monster.

The fact that a court has said that he can only have indirect contact says it all for me. They wouldn't do that lightly.

Don't listen to what he says. He's trying to control you and your son. If he turns up call the police.