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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 16/12/2019 21:42

Right. So leave it there OP. Don’t text or ring him again even if he calls and texts you a million times and threatens to be in your bed tomorrow night. DO NOT ENGAGE. Leave it to your solicitor now.

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 16/12/2019 21:43

Well done, that it perfect. Now block him, and get some sleep.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 22:00

Great. Block him OP, get some sleep, and maybe give the police a ring for advice tomorrow. What you were told last time really does sound shocking and I would hope you'd get a response that's very different.

RandomMess · 16/12/2019 22:08

Thanks it is the best move to tell him to take it back to court.

Hope you manage to sleep.

MushroomTree · 16/12/2019 22:13

Well done. Have a good rest. Call 101 tomorrow and report all of this.

BlingLoving · 16/12/2019 22:22

What strikes me is he's trying to bully you to get what he wants. But he's clueless about one key point: you and your ds are on the same page so it's not going to work. He's deliberately trying to tie you in knots but there are no consequences for you or ds if you choose n0t to play his game.

If he starts to stalk you or harass you that's another thing entirely and you should definitely call the police.m

ineedto · 16/12/2019 22:31

Hope you get a good nights sleep @Chaosdragon.
Just remember your doing the right thing.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 22:51

To reiterate you are not to attend the property on the 24th December or at any other time. In the event you ignore this request we will not answer the door to you. In the event of any disturbance the police will be called. I am not willing to enter any further discussion over this matter. If you feel the current court order is wrong you are free to apply back to court to have it varied.

Perfect response OP, let him take him do the work and take it back to court, your son can talk in private to the judge and he will be listened to without the need to face his dad.

Lolapusht · 16/12/2019 22:53

Great text OP!! Maybe time to think about a non-molestation order

Travis1 · 16/12/2019 23:04

Your response is perfect op. Stay strong for your DS 💪🏻

katmarie · 16/12/2019 23:20

Brilliant reply op. Definitely let your solicitors deal with any bullshit from him now.

He really is a prize wanker isn't he?

JasonPollack · 16/12/2019 23:28

Great reply Flowers once this debacle is over I think you should block his number again. There is no reason for him to contact you. Either that or get a new one for yourself and put this one in a brick phone so you can check it occasionally but he can't be calling you all the time doing your head in.

Agree with pp that is a woeful response from the police concerning his stalking.

JassyRadlett · 16/12/2019 23:35

Fabulous response OP. Hope you get some sleep.

NeverTwerkNaked · 16/12/2019 23:54

Please block him. And ideally have someone in the house with you in 24th. And do involve the police if you need to. Posters saying don't have no idea what they are talking about.
And keep respecting your son's wishes. I know how hard it is when you are being bullied but you are doing the right thing. I am going through this too (albeit DS is only 10) so I feel for you and will think of you at Christmas time

QueenofallIsee · 17/12/2019 00:22

I agree that if he starts harassing you again, you should go back to the police. Over the last few years (sadly due to women being seriously let down and harmed or worse) laws have changed. It’s no longer ‘you are not being physically harmed so it’s not a police matter’ it’s men like your ex that have caused the establishment to really look closely at coercion, intimidation etc and give legal protections to people. Hope you are ok x

Emeraldshamrock · 17/12/2019 00:26

Great update OP.

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 17/12/2019 00:53

As someone who works in the family court, I can tell you that the court will not make an order for direct contact for a 15 year old because it is not enforceable. Any order for contact ends on a child’s 16th birthday unless there are ‘exceptional circumstances’, which there don’t seem to be from what you have said. He may threaten you with court but it is an empty threat.

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 17/12/2019 00:55

Having seen another comment above, please be assured that your son will not have to talk to a judge.

56Marshmallow · 17/12/2019 01:02

It's hard for a 15 year old to turn around to their parents and say "I don't want to see you".

Your son shouldn't have to justify himself to your ex. If your ex wants to build bridges then perhaps a letter should be a starting point.

When I was a teen, I felt very torn. I didn't want to be around my Mum but I couldn't bear to say it to her face as I didn't want to hurt her and I knew that she'd twist what I was saying.

I finally cut contact with her in my late teens. Nearly 30 years later, I have no regrets. My life is far less complicated when she's not in it.

IAmNotAWitch · 17/12/2019 01:59

You NEED to toughen up OP. You have no choice.

Your DS owes this man nothing. And you must protect him.

If you can I would arrange to have DS elsewhere on the 24th so there is no chance of him being upset. I would go the solicitor route and also advise that from now on all contact is to be through them. I wouldn't even mention this bullshit to your DS.

Then delete/block his number.

Your poor boy needs you to protect him. You. Have. To.

justilou1 · 17/12/2019 03:01

Why does he have your address?

justilou1 · 17/12/2019 03:14

I actually want to commend you for writing a very concise and strongly-worded reply. I don’t think anyone else has.
Does DS have somewhere else to go on the 24th? A friend’s place? Your family’s? I would even recommend that maybe you both stay elsewhere on the 23rd if you can. Don’t suppose you have a ring doorbell to record this charming individual kicking off, do you?

Minxmumma · 17/12/2019 05:53

Excellent job with your clear concise and non emotional response. Shit may hit the fan but only because you are not allowing him to bully or control you. Let him rant, don't reply and provide copies of everything to your solicitor.

No court will try and force a 15yo to see a parent - it would be impossible. A judge wouldn't force my 10yos to see their father in very similar circumstances as they could verbalize their reasons.

If you can visit a friend on the 24th then it might be less stressful. If not lock the door and ignore. Call the police if he gets aggy

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2019 06:22

Great response op
Hope you got some sleep

Dontunderestimateme · 17/12/2019 06:36

That is a brilliant reply and you are absolutely doing the right thing by your son. It is clear just from his messages what kind of person he is, and the complete lack of regard he has for your sons feelings. If he does turn up, and there is the slightest hint of trouble then make sure you do call the police.