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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
bluebella4 · 17/12/2019 11:13

Your son has expressed to his father why he doesn't want to see him. His father isn't respecting this. He sounds like a sod!! I'd repling that if he shows then you will be ringing the police. If he has something to tell his son then he needs to write him a letter, send it and let your son decide when he will read it.

I think you are doing the right thing. Your son has a choice and you are respecting that. You EX is not. Who do you think your child will be learning from?

justilou1 · 17/12/2019 11:15

Do you have a security camera, OP? It’s not too late to get one installed!!!

DecemberSnow · 17/12/2019 11:19

If your son doesnt want contact with him.
He doesnt accept presents.
Your son cant have it both ways

magoria · 17/12/2019 11:21

Read the thread December the son doesn't want the gifts.

CoatTails · 17/12/2019 11:25

@ DecemberSnow the OP has already said her son does not want the presents.

blackcat86 · 17/12/2019 11:28

So rather than accept that DS doesn't want to see him he's trying to paint you as the issue and change the narrative so that he is the victim. Dont engage but do speak to DS's school on return to see what support or counselling can be offered now to continue the support around DS and gaining his views and wishes. It's a shame about his mum but hey it's her choice. Encourage DS and yourself to be surrounded by decent supportive people not those looking to manipulate, coerce and abuse.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 17/12/2019 11:29

I think it's worth speaking to the school anyway, in case he tries to contact DS that way.

Clangus00 · 17/12/2019 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

5LeafClover · 17/12/2019 11:31

Also December the court order specifically allows for gifts being sent and passed on through indirect contact ( probably to avoid them being used to manipulate direct contact).

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 11:38

the court order specifically allows for gifts being sent and passed on through indirect contact ( probably to avoid them being used to manipulate direct contact).

Yep. I strongly suspect he wasn’t smart enough to be able to mask his manipulative behaviours in court (his arrogance probably convinced him the court would be impressed by his persuasive arguments) Grin and the judge correctly identified him as a risk to the child. Well done that judge! What he’s doing to OP in these texts is exactly what the judge knew he would do to his son.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2019 11:54

Solicitor's letter is the only way, OP.

JasonPollack · 17/12/2019 12:29

What a manipulative wanker.

I think it's time to look into police/solicitors. Don't respond to him any more. Call the police straight away if he turns up, tell them you are a woman alone with a child who feels threatened.

You're doing so well OP I'm so sorry this utter twat is trying to ruin your Christmas.

ny20005 · 17/12/2019 12:36

Please don't respond to him any more

Is there any way that you can stay at a friends /family or check into a hotel in Christmas Eve ? This way you can still have your Christmas tradition without jumping at every sound & waiting for him to turn up.

Take the power away from him to control your lives.

Beccaishere · 17/12/2019 12:38

I personally would maybe pop in to the local police unit and ask them if there is anything that they could do to warn him off, tell them you have expressed that you do not want him at your house but he is insisting that he will be turning up.
I understand what your saying about the needing to reply as otherwise he will think he can turn up from what he said in his last message (I had a ex like that) I would text back my last txt still stands etc and that you will not be replying anymore to any messages.
Don’t stress op keep calm Flowers

Ooogetyooo · 17/12/2019 12:38

Don't respond to him
If you can't bear the idea of being in the house on Christmas Eve waiting for him to turn up then go out . Change the dynamics.
Please don't play his game you've come so far . He's a bully and now he wants to bully your son . Don't let him.

Ooogetyooo · 17/12/2019 12:41

Yeah and his mum is a dick

Dandelion1993 · 17/12/2019 12:44

Tell him this

"I'm afraid we have plans for Christmas eve so won't be at home"

Then go out for the day.

That way you've replied saying you aren't there so he can't say 'well you didn't say no' and you can both go and enjoy a day together.

Don't play that wankers mind games.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/12/2019 12:46

Oh OP if you think that was a reasonable reply then it just shows how bad it must have been.

That is the least reasonable reply I've seen. He's manipulating you and your son. Saying you can't cope and still trying to force your DS to see him.

I agree with the others that say don't reply - he's not going to listen and you'll be giving him the attention he wants. Speak to the police.

crankysaurus · 17/12/2019 12:50

Honestly, if you reply, he'll just keep going. He won't stop for anything you have to say other that submitting to him. Block him and seek legal and/or police advice.

frazzledasarock · 17/12/2019 12:51

I have an indirect contact order in place against ex.

Ex is not allowed to have direct contact that’s what a no direct contact order means. Prior to that my poor dc were forced to have contact at a contact centre where his abuse continued.

I’d ring the non emergency police telephone number tell them what your ex is threatening. Say both you and your son are afraid of your ex and ask what to do.

I’d message ex one last time. We have a court order of indirect contact in place. If you turn up at my home I will call the police.

Then ignore him completely.

frazzledasarock · 17/12/2019 12:56

Actually seen you have told him you will contact the police.

So block and follow through if he turns up.

I really would get advice from the police about what to do in this circumstances.

I had a prohibited steps order and a no direct contact order in place. I gave a copy of the orders to the police via my solicitors and they put a marker on my address. My case was dealt with but the domestic violence team who were brilliant. Not sure what your local police will be like with current cuts. But it’s worth calling them and asking for advice.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 12:57

I can’t express just how much you shouldn’t respond to him OP.

Maybe this will help: you have promised your son that you will now keep him safe. Part of that is validating his feelings that he does not wish to speak to his father. Telling him it is ok not do so. So how do you expect him to really believe his feelings are valid and right if you can’t actually bring yourself not to respond to his texts? Your son is learning from your behaviour. If he sees that you can’t be firm enough not to engage with him then he will either doubt your ability to stand up for him against his father or he will doubt his own decision not to speak to his father. You need to set the example here OP by standing by your convictions and not engaging with him.

MushroomTree · 17/12/2019 13:01

No, you're not being uncharitable. He's picked this time so he can ruin it for you.

Do not reply. Do not engage with him at all. Your son has made it clear he wants nothing to do with his father. You need to respect and support him in that.

If he arrives on the 24th call 999 immediately. Don't open the door. Don't answer the phone. Don't text him.

He's being nice and sounding reasonable now to reel you back in.

Have you called 101 and logged the texts and calls so far? You need to. This will escalate when he realises he doesn't have total control.

cupoftea84 · 17/12/2019 13:06

If the police say it's a civil matter it's not. He's been violent to you in the past and he's now trying to harass and control you. It's illegal.
I wouldn't respond though I can see why you want to.
Lock the door and if he doesn't leave call the police.
Trying to buy your son with presents as well is really low. Not as low as bullying a child though.

You need to protect your son. You promised him you would do stop engaging and just do it.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 13:11

He's being nice and sounding reasonable now to reel you back in.

He’s not even being nice or sounding reasonable. It’s quite worrying that you think his texts are nice or reasonable. Is it just because he isn’t swearing or threatening violence?