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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 10:03

Will I look ridiculous to respond to that with the same message from last night but adding I am blocking him?

DO NOT RESPOND

Op you are taking his bait every single time! He wants your attention on this. Honestly- you are giving him exactly what he wants by responding.

What do you think responding to him with the same message achieves? He has ignored it every time you’ve sent it already. Do you think one more time will get the message through? It won’t. He wants the discussion. He wants his own way. He isn’t asking for confirmation of your feelings.

Stop responding!

CruCru · 17/12/2019 10:05

That’s not a reasonable message. Apart from anything else, your son is now quite grown up. You’ve shouldered the responsibility of being his parent for years - this responsibility isn’t getting any heavier.

It’s a shame about his mum, however she isn’t going to prioritise your son over her’s. Realistically, there’s a good chance she’s going to try to get your son to talk to your ex partner if she does see him.

FraglesRock · 17/12/2019 10:06

Not an expert but if you block him you'll have no evidence or idea what he's up to. Although I realise these messages are upsetting.
If you're seeing a solicitor I'd be asking about what the police should be doing if he repeats past behaviour of hanging around/stalking because I think they failed you last time.
Keep strong.

FantasticButtocks · 17/12/2019 10:06

Again, do not come to the house. You are harassing us now and if you ring or message again about this all your messages will be shown to the police. You have made a request (or tried to issue orders) and you've had a very clear answer. That's the end of it. It's not going to happen. He doesn't want to see you. He doesn't want gifts from you. Stay away.

EvilPea · 17/12/2019 10:09

The courts didn’t think it was in your son’s interest for him to “share responsibility”
The school don’t think it
His councillor doesn’t think it.

Honestly stuck to your guns, you KNOW your right. It’s him manipulating as he always does and trying to make you think your the unreasonable one

Block and engage a solicitor confirming the situation to him.

Sad about his mum, but she’s shown her hand and is leave her to it. Your poor son doesn’t deserve any of this. I went NC with my family a few years back, after the initial ‘when are we seeing them’ I’ve been surprised how little they’ve missed them.

NearlyGranny · 17/12/2019 10:12

You can't complain to the police about unwanted messaging if you continue responding after instructing him to stop. Screenshot and ignore. Your continued responses, whatever the content, are oxygen to him.

magoria · 17/12/2019 10:12

No point responding again. You have done what you need to. If you can see a solicitor soon enough do so.

Otherwise please do not be afraid to ignore him or call the police if you need to.

MzHz · 17/12/2019 10:12

Do NOT RESPOND

I can’t emphasise this enough

He’s just changed tactic, but he’s STILL not respectful of ds. I worry too that if you DID send DS out to him he’d either grab him or intimidate him.

Ignore all messages and call the DV Unit at local police station for help and get a flag put on your address for rapid response

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 17/12/2019 10:22

I see what you saying about responding. Its just if I don't he takes it as an agreement to what he said and then throws it back in your face later on. Well I said xyz and you didn't disagree!!

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 10:22

I worry too that if you DID send DS out to him he’d either grab him

This crossed my mind too. He’s extremely determined that DS comes outside alone to get his gifts.

OP please don’t respond. I know you have been conditioned by him to doubt yourself and jump to his call but really you have to retrain yourself. The more you engage the less safe you are able to keep your son as you are extending the access your ex has to you and your life.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 10:23

Keep your son safe

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 10:24

Its just if I don't he takes it as an agreement to what he said and then throws it back in your face later on. Well I said xyz and you didn't disagree!!

This just his manipulation. You can see through that now though, can’t you? So you don’t fall for it.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2019 10:27

I see what you saying about responding. Its just if I don't he takes it as an agreement to what he said and then throws it back in your face later on. Well I said xyz and you didn't disagree!!

I don't think replying is still a good option, what about if you called into your local Police Station and showed them the messages and asked them just to phone him and advise him not to call on Christmas Eve? He sounds very manipulative

MyMajesty · 17/12/2019 10:30

"send DS out"!?

That whole message is the very opposite of reasonable.

Speak to Women's Aid and / or to the police about what you can do, as this is becoming harassment.

jinglebelldogs · 17/12/2019 10:30

It's not a reasonable reply. Don't respond. Contact a solicitor. And do as you said. If he turns up you call the police. Fuck his mum, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

5LeafClover · 17/12/2019 10:32

That email is massively manipulative and passive agressive. Don't get sucked in...

Grey rock all the way.

To his mum sorry you can't come, have a happy Christmas.

Ignore this one. If he send another email find a solicitor.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2019 10:34

That email is massively manipulative and passive agressive. Don't get sucked in.

Yeah the "you're obviously struggling" bit is a put down and telling her she can't manage to be a mother on her own

holidayhelpp · 17/12/2019 10:35

Again - if you think that message is reasonable - FREEDOM PROGRAMME op!! Flowers

5LeafClover · 17/12/2019 10:35

Actually, find a solicitor now....

LittleOwl153 · 17/12/2019 10:35

"What is unfair is DS having the power to decide whether to see his father when he is a child."

This says it all for me! Nasty piece of work isn't he!

LittleOwl153 · 17/12/2019 10:37

Although it also says that you need to have plans for the moment ds turns 18 as he will then start more directly on him.

SureTry · 17/12/2019 10:40

Don't respond, see a solicitor get a letter sent out. As for his mum, she's an absolute disgrace and after cancelling like that, the indirect contact should apply to her too.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 17/12/2019 10:51

Although it also says that you need to have plans for the moment ds turns 18 as he will then start more directly on him.

Definitely. You need to organise some sort of assertiveness therapy for your DS. (You need it too but DS is the priority as like PP says- your ex will target him directly in a couple of years)

justilou1 · 17/12/2019 11:12

“If you insist upon speaking to our child, you will be violating a court order which states that DS must be available for INDIRECT access I have repeatedly stated that you are not to come to this address. Any further correspondence from you on this subject is considered harassment and police will be called. Do not contact me about this again.You are not welcome here at any time on any day. DS does not wish to have anything to do with you.”

justilou1 · 17/12/2019 11:13

His mum is a right arsehole. Her Christmas is cancelled. I suspect he has bullied her to get his way too.