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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 17/12/2019 06:39

You are doing the right things OP.

Take a picture or screen shot of the 17 missed calls, and keep screenshots of messages in case you need evidence of harassment.

astonishedzebra · 17/12/2019 06:46

Keep everything as evidence. Screen shot everything and email yourself the screenshots so they can't be lost/deleted xx

ThanosSavedMe · 17/12/2019 06:57

What a prick. He doesn’t get to tell you what you have to do, he doesn’t get to tell your ds what he has to do. I think your last message was perfect. Good luck

EvilPea · 17/12/2019 08:03

17 missed calls?
What an utter cunt.
I think you need some proper legal advice on this. He’s using it as an excuse to further harass and control you

Betterbegoing · 17/12/2019 08:30

Oh he’s such a BASTARD. So like my own dear father that I’m starting to wonder if he did, in fact, go on to have more children after us. The dictating, the ‘he’s a child’ attitude, the rewriting history... all of it is exactly the same. You’re doing the right thing OP, be strong

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 17/12/2019 09:19

That was a good reply, OP, and I agree with keeping all the evidence, eg screenshots of missed calls, texts, etc.

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 17/12/2019 09:33

Ok, im confused. A reasonable reply.

You are obviously having a difficult time atm. I am just trying to be helpful. It will do you good to share the responsibility of being a parent. Give you a break. Just send DS out to get the gifts. Its natural and lets us talk. Its a lot better than what you intend to do. Banning me from my sons house and calling the police. You need to encourage DS not be a barrier to contact

Also got a message off his mum cancelling Monday and saying she doesn't want to see DS anymore. Great.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 17/12/2019 09:34

Perfect text.

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 17/12/2019 09:36

Will I look ridiculous to respond to that with the same message from last night but adding I am blocking him?

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 17/12/2019 09:36

He's changed track because he's realised he's backed into a dead end.

Just stick to your guns.

k1233 · 17/12/2019 09:36

You sent an excellent message. Clear and to the point.

Please contact the police, lodge the incident with them and be prepared to call them on the 24th. Ask them what you need to do to stay safe.

katewhinesalot · 17/12/2019 09:37

"i will not discuss this matter further."

Allthewine · 17/12/2019 09:38

That is the least reasonable reply I have ever seen. Wolf in sheep’s clothing (or a much better analogy)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/12/2019 09:38

Your last response was perfect. Don't reply any more. Just keep screenshots of everything.

Shame his Mum has decided to 'play the game' too. He is an utter tosser and has no regard for your son's feelings. Tells you all you need to know.

Keep protecting your son. You're doing brilliantly, you really are.

k1233 · 17/12/2019 09:39

He is not trying to be helpful. He is dictating how he wants you and your son to behave.

Support your son. He wants no contact. Do not force him to talk to his father.

I agree with a prior poster to go away for Christmas. Is there someone you can visit?

magoria · 17/12/2019 09:43

You know he is not being reasonable despite how that email reads.

He is trying to force your DC to see him against their will.

All that guff about shared parenting is bullshit considering his lack of input.

FreedomfromPE · 17/12/2019 09:49

Yuck. I hate those coercive efforts. Is our ex the same guy. The mother has shown her loyalty is strongly with her son rather than grandson. All this is doing is driving a deeper wedge.
Repeat your message. Screenshot everything and keep it safe. Is it possible to switch your phone off for a few days?

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 17/12/2019 09:49

You've told the cockwomble him you won't discuss it further, so don't.

If he continues to harass take it to the police.

There's nothing reasonable in what he's saying, it's just pure manipulation to get his own way. There's no caring about what his ds thinks, it's all about him. And xMiL has just shown herself to be as bad.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 17/12/2019 09:50

I agree it's not a reasonable reply, he's still trying to dictate that DS speaks to him.

Don't reply, and I'd say talk to the police as well as a solicitor. He's determined to be at the house on the 24th, so I'd certainly be going elsewhere if possible.

selmabear · 17/12/2019 09:50

It sounds like your XP wont give up unless your DS tells him directly he wants nothing to do with him. Can this be done via telephone if your DS doesn't want to be in in the same vicinity as his dad or perhaps a letter written by your DS? If this isn't possible and its something your DS does not want to do then you need to be as direct as possible with you ex, remind him your son is 15 and he can't be forced to be in the same room as him. If he chooses to pop over on the 24th then you can't guarantee you son will be there to greet him and that's something he has to accept.

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 17/12/2019 09:53

Sharing the responsibility of being a parent is the most ridiculous thing ever. Hes paid £567 over the lifetime of DS towards as maintenance. He actively tried to get me fired from my job so that I couldn't afford my house and so DS (and I) would have nowhere to live . Hes spent less time interacting with DS in his entire 15 years of life than I probably did in 6 months.

I am sad about his mum though, although I think its a bit of a dick move.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 17/12/2019 09:57

It's not at all reasonable. It's still trying to bully you into making your DS see someone who is abusive. Don't be fooled!
I mean this nicely OP but you need to be seeing a counsellor or someone who can help you clearly set boundaries. Very understandably you're still struggling with this.
Don't respond to him anymore. Just send 'Fine, that's your decision' to his mum. And contact the police and a solicitor. 17 missed calls is harassment.

Quartz2208 · 17/12/2019 09:58

What a horribly manipulative email from a clear narcissist you must be so used to him to think that is reasonable (although for him it probably is)

Just block OP on the phone you clearly don’t have to do contact via your mobile

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 17/12/2019 10:02

Hes picked Xmas Eve because he knows we have a tradition of staying in - PJS, movies, wrapping presents for friends / family before we play santa and deliver them all late in the evening. He knows full well that that is one of our favourite Xmas times hence why he is trying to ruin it I suspect. If he can't have a good Xmas why should I.

Perhaps I am being uncharitable. Perhaps he just picked that because we guaranteed to be in.

OP posts:
MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 17/12/2019 10:02

OP, his mum is a DV apologist, so just leave her to her choices.

And don't cave to ex, keep strong.

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