Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

Where’s MIL in all of this? How come she doesn’t seem to be in the firing line for not helping the OP?

Other posters are being harsh imo

It is not a competition as to how bad you have had it!

I could have a crap time and it does not stop you having a crap time too! One person does not have it worse

Sympathy people

@NoSauce

People unfortunately would rather quickly get in a Mumsnet oven ready insult rather than RTFT and offer actual advice which applies to the situation. It's pathetic.

But sure, as long as Doris gets in her jab about how 30 years ago she worked 90 hours a week with 7 kidd and no help and survived, and Mary gets in a comment about how "feckless" the dad is...

So who's having DD whilst you're at work? Sorry i might have missed that. Yes you'll have a host of folk saying you are unreasonable to expect help from your mum and granted, yes, she's got her life, done her child rearing and lives 4 hours away. Plus it's the season of social gatherings. However, honestly, I'm my mind, families stick together through thick and thin and it'd therefore be lovely for you to have some help. Some families live together for this reason and some cultures have a whole community to support the new parent.

I'm sure you're absolutely shattered and yes it's your responsibility but... c'mon.... we're not superhuman here, a wee hug for mum/dad and someone to take the lead for an hour isn't too much to ask.

It's horribly draining looking after sick small people. They are like wee vampires, sucking the energy out of you. I sympathise.

I had 3 with some kind of Martian Death Flu while DH worked away. I was weeping with fatigue. A local friend kindly took the recovered one out for a few hours and it was bliss.

Saying that, my parents and in-laws live 2 hours away. Never once would I have dreamed of asking them to come over to help with a baby with a D&V. They are more likely to get it, and far more severely. YABVU

Couldn't the person who looks after her while you work help out?

FFS did someone seriously suggest this? ‘Help out’ would mean doing it for free as well I suppose?? If your child is poorly with DandV you look after them. Of course it’s hard but it’s also very much a basic parenting task. OP needs to get a grip. How will she cope when there’s an actual emergency or serious problem? I hope she’s not considering having another child any time soon because god knows how she’d manage then

OP - you haven't mentioned much about your MIL. Do your PIL live fairly locally and do they offer to help if needed/asked?

It's no wonder mums are depressed in this country. Women are the worst supporters often as well. It's all "I suffered so you have to, too". Honestly I think a lot of you get a kick from trampling on someone when they're already on their fucking knees.

Vultures.

YABU because you have to plan to have children on the understanding that nobody will offer to help, ever, and if they do then you’re lucky. She’s not obliged in any way to cancel her plans - no matter his frivolous they seem - to help you look after your child.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I am really close to my grandkids and would be there in a heartbeat to give you a break and some company

Also the problem isn’t really your mum - it’s that your husband is working long hours and then again at weekend, leaving you on your own to cope alone.

So your mum drives four hours to help you, catches the stomach bug. How does she get home? Four hours vomiting in a bucket on the passenger seat? Or stay in your house until she's better? Grim either way.

I sympathise op! My mum talks the talk but doesn't help. People who have a lot of support can't understand. The way I deal with it is to let it go, expect nothing (I don't ask any more) but I won't forget when the time comes that she needs help. Maybe I will prioritise hoovering or social events - who knows how I'll feel about it then. I hope you get some rest

My mum lives a distance and will help with most things but not illness anymore. She's of an age where flu or a sickness bug caught off her grandchildren would be more serious than it was previously.

She also cares for and visits a number of elderly friends and neighbours. I dont blame her for not wanting to travel 3 hours to sort out the dcs diarrohea.

I think it's reasonable to draw the line somewhere, especially as she had no help from family.

YABU, sorry. She raised you, she isn’t now obliged to help raise your children too. It’s nice to have help but it’s never a given. I understand your pain because my youngest who is also one has been very sick all week but I’ve just had to get on with it, I have three other DC too...

YABU, you should be looking after your child, anyone else is a bonus.

she lives four hours away and you expect her to drop everything? You are very entitled

I'm sure the OP finds it fantastically helpful to have a litany of how much harder it is for other parents, how others have quadruplets and work 99 days a week with no sleep etc. Also that its utterly unreasonable it is to ask for help and how the DGPs of a current baby are obviously too decrepit to lift more than a paper bag. Although I suspect there is a good chance the OP's parents are 50s or 60s when most of us are still working.

In the real world fortunately most families do try to help each other out.

OP its tough with the first one partly because you don't know what you are doing. Two may be more actual work but less worry. By the time three and four come along you know what you are doing so tiring yes, anxious making no.

It would not be reasonable to assume one of the child's DGPs might be willing to help but its reasonable to ask. I'm in my 50s and work long hours. I'd be horrified at the thought of my now adult children not calling for help when they were in your position.

Not every subscribes to "we raised you, now you are 18 you can sod off".

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I am really close to my grandkids and would be there in a heartbeat to give you a break and some company

What, even if it meant cancelling on friends the day before?

Sorry I think your been totally unreasonable, my parents are both no longer here and my in laws live over 500 miles away, I've 3 children and me and husband both work full time, we've had absolutely no help and we've survived! It's been 14 years since I've had a night off!

I'm wondering if your Mum might have something else going on. Maybe her or your Dad have a health issue they are dealing with at the moment and don't want to worry you about it

Your being unreasonable. You choose to have child. Your mum didn’t force you, she’s done her bit bringing you up why should she have to drop everything and come running? Yes it’s awful having a sick child, I know how it is I don’t get help off any family members either. But that’s how it is. Also bit unfair when they’re poorly and making your mum risk catching it right on top of Christmas too.

YANBU, and I say this as a grandparent.

Being a parent doesn't stop when your children reach adulthood and if you choose to have kids you do so in the knowledge that at some point, if you're lucky, you'll have grandchildren too.

So many unkind posters here. Let's hope you never need help.

Hope you all feel better soon, @DressedAs.

Wow yes yabu! I have 4 children and last week we were all ill, including myself. I don’t have a partner as I am a lone parent and my ex doesn’t see them.
Also have no family to help! I had to look after 4 whilst being ill myself and you have ONE!