Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

There are 6 possible people (presumably, sorry if not) who you could look for to help, if you're expecting your Dm to help out.
That's you, your dh, your Dm, your df, your mil, your fil.
The first two are the most responsible, the next 4 are equal and it would be nice if they could.
Why are you only blaming your Dm, and your mil a little bit? You haven't mentioned that any male member should help. Why is that?

It always depresses me that these threads become a competition as to who has it worse. It’s utterly puerile.

@Drum2018 Couldn't the person who looks after her while you work help out?

You'd expect a childminder/nursery to take in a sick child? hmm Even if they didn't mind any other kids why on earth should they risk getting a diarrhoea bug?

The OP never said her DD was going to a childminder but someone must be looking after her DD as how else can she work 4 days a week?

Sorry but YABU! How do you think parents cope who have no help at all. My parents are both disabled so can't do physical childcare, and my mum is immunosuppressed so can't be around the kids if there's any hint of a cough/cold/bug etc as it would probably finish her off if she caught it.
So I just have to deal with it myself and I have two kids!

What have you been doing while dc is off sick?

You have to at this point nap when baby does and whilst he might be working long hours he has to give you a few hours . If you are so tired go to bed at 8 when dp gets in he can take baby till at least midnight/ one am.

As for your mum she is 4 hours away , it’s Christmas , she does need a life aswell and will have plans at this time of the year.

I was a Lp child who was 4 before he slept through , bugs had to ask people to drop meds food at the door but otherwise struggled through.

Your dp should pick up the slack not your mum

Super common for new grandparents to be thrilled and visiting lots when a newborn arrives. Also super common for grandparents to be less thrilled by the prospect of a grizzling, poorly toddler.

We can all remember the dark days of sick babies. They are long, dark and miserable but truly, unless it was, god forbid, a life threatening or very serious illness, this is the slog of parenting. The reality of being a grandparent is the ability to shudder at the memory and decide that no, I would actually prefer to stick to my plans and enjoy the run up to Christmas.

Don’t blame your mum. You will probably be the same.

I really hope your DC get better soon and things improve for you.

Sorry, my middle paragraph isn’t clear. I meant that if it was a really serious illness I’m sure she’d be with you.

The OP says her mum has been very helpful previously but has not been forthcoming since DD has been ill.

It’s been 2 weeks. During that time her mum has probably been busy herself and can’t just drop everything and drive 4 hours to visit. She probably doesn’t want to catch whatever it is her GD has too. I don’t blame her personally.

OP, I have read some real clangers on here but you are one of the most self-centred and entitled brats I have witnessed in some time. It's your fucking DC, your and your DH's responsibility!

Bloody hell there’s no need for name calling like that. Disagree if you want to but leave it there.

Your dp should pick up the slack not your mum

Or you could actually read the OP to whom you are replying rather than jumping in with utterly irrelevant, smug pearls fo wisdom

this is a joke right??

im a single mum and deal with sick kids, hospital visits, work etc. I deal with it.

you sound bratty and entitled OP

YABVVVVVVVVU

Why do single parents having to do it alone mean other people shouldn’t ask for help.

One doesn’t get a gold star for martyrdom.

YANBU. We used to live in tribes - no man is an island and we all need help sometimes. I'm sure you would have been glad of an hours rest or just someone to bring over a meal, am I right? Don't listen to mumsnutters that say otherwise. Yes the baby is your responsibility but would you pass your mother if she lived on the street? No. Your mother may well be busy but she should've just thought about you, like you probably think about her sometimes. Lets look after each other.

Sorry this will sound harsh but you decided to have children. This includes the ups and downs. We have no support nearby and my husband and I work back to back 12 hrs shifts. It’s hard work and sometimes I feel absolutely knackered but that’s what happens when you have children, it’s hard work! To expect your mum to travel for a virus is unreasonable.

Oh and I say this as someone that is glad the tory's won didnt vote for them though

Hmm. Disagree with this thread. I think we need to be able to lean on family in times of stress. A couple of days respite makes all the difference. Just a few days is not too much to ask.

Other end, with elderly parents, you will usually be needed to help a lot. This is how it's worked for me any how.

Am with you wavenjay. But not a Tory!

Are you very young OP? You are getting a lot of stick. Yes, it would be very lovely for your mum to come but a four hour drive but it is a big ask. You just need to get on with it.

I think some fresh air every day, even if ill, would do you both some good. Bundle her up and go for a walk.

YABVU. It sounds like she was very helpful in the beginning and you leant on her too much, which is now why she is reluctant to help.

Your kid, your problem.

It's no wonder mums are depressed in this country. Women are the worst supporters often as well.

Its D and V. Not pleasant by any means, but also a pretty standard illness to have to deal with. Of course if there was an emergency or a serious illness then you should be able to rely on family to help. But not for basic childhood ailments when a family member had already made plans.

Sorry OP I also think you're being UR and expecting too much.

The joys of having children, they’re your responsibility not your Mum and Dads. Why can’t your husband help and you only have one. X

Hey, I hope you're okay.
It's a hard one to say.
I had 3 kids all under 5 and for 2 years I lived 100 miles from my mom, and my partners parents didn't help at all in those 2 years I think I saw them twice the whole time. I had literally no one. No friends, no family, my partner worked 10 hour shifts daily and it was hard, and I can tell you that I finally snapped. I hit a real low point and I moved back to be close to my mom and she still doesn't help out much; but back to you; Christmas is on the door step, maybe she is really busy, we all have our own lives; trust me one child is so much easier than 3, try having 3 awake all night vomiting (been there, done that,) just put some movies on, relax; have some food and enjoy the time with your child until she's feeling better again; I've learnt to not expect people to help and that way I can't be let down, some days it is extremely frustrating that no one offers a helping hand but I just think of it as their loss, if they don't want to be in my child's life that's upto them and I can't force them .. but I do hope you are well.

@TheFairyCaravan how did you manage two kids in different hospitals? My son was in hospital for a month last year and the ward staff were insistent that an adult had to be present at all times (well I could go for a shower etc, but not allowed to leave the hospital building). I did wonder at the time what happens if you have other kids and no one to look after them