Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

My mum helped me out once when my kids had a tummy bug and ended up getting it herself and giving it to my step dad and siblings who still lived at home. They in turn gave it to their spouses and friends and workplaces etc. So even though it's really shitty, I stick rigidly to the 48 hour rule now and we keep our tummy bugs to ourselves.

@amijustparanoidorjuststoned hilarious that you made that leap and yes it certainly does sound like you are insinuating that any grandparent that has uttered the words "I'd love some grandchildren" means they should be offering help, and especially in this case.

Anyway I fixed your last paragraph for you - how could ANY husband not WANT to help their own wife when they are struggling? Working 7am to 9pm plus weekends while his wife is struggling with a poorly child, I mean, the OP isn't asking for her H to parent his own child whilst she goes out for a jolly.

In the nicest possible way, your DM and your MIL have done their parenting - this is your turn. Your DD is yours and your DHs, time for you two to be self-sufficient in your parenting.

I have 5 dc at home. I work. Neither me or dh have any family.
We parent our own dc...
As you should imo.

You can hardly expect anyone to risk catching a bug - especially at Xmas.

I remember one time with toddler dd. DH was out of town and I had mastitis. Called mil for help and she declined because she was busy. In the moment, I was devastated. It felt personal. I was so beaten down at that moment that it felt like a huge insult. Once I was out of the situation, I came to my senses and realized that no one has to help simply because I chose to have a child. She had priorities and there is nothing wrong with that.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it’s not as if your asking your dm to visit so you can have a day out. I’m a granny and will mind my dgc for a week after Xmas as the parents work. We live in another country too. Every summer we have our dgc for 4 weeks.
If your dm is not visiting you and you’re travelling to see her with a small child then she’s a bit selfish.
Assuming she’s fit and healthy, whilst not her responsibility it wouldn’t hurt for her to step in for a few days.
I would ring her and say you really need a bit of help and if she refuses then you have to prioritise your life over visiting her. It works both ways.
I can’t understand dgp’s who take little interest in dgc.

YABU. It’s your child. Yes it’s nice to have help, but it’s not essential. We have no family nearby at all and manage. What exactly is it you want them to do for you while your child is poorly?

I have to say that my thoughts echo some of the others on here: you and your husband made the decision to have your daughter - your own mothers were (presumably) not involved in this lifestyle choice. Toddlers get ill. School age children get ill. Christ, my oldest got the stomach 'flu 5 years ago and I had to look after her (she was 17, incidentally, and far whinier about the whole thing than she would have been at 12 months old!).

If your daughter's teething back molars, that might be adding to the stomach bug, as an aside. Not saying she is... but given her age, teething might factor in - both of mine were sods for masquerading tummy bugs whilst they were cutting teeth.

It's tough. Being a parent. I think we all get that. Your mother gets that. But at what point are you going to realise that as far as your little girl is concerned, the buck actually does stop with you/her father - and not either set of grandparents/aunts/uncles/third-cousins-once-removed? Sick babies are never fun... but being a parent isn't just about the fun times, is it? It's not all Insta-glam, constant laughter, cute outfits... it's sleepless nights, whining toddlers, "but WHY?" school children, rebelling adolescents... and then, if you're very lucky? You get a break. Until your spoiled child can't understand that a 4 hour drive to potentially catch a viral stomach infection right before Christmas is... not going to happen. They had the ill child, you had no say in that fact, she's their responsibility, not yours.

(And if you really want to grasp why I'm a bit WTAF?! about this... have you thought about how single mothers with no support whatsoever cope with poorly one year olds, no sleep, and a part-time job?)

The child's father needs to step up.

Wow can't believe how many people here think it's unreasonable to ask for help!

Asking for help isn’t unreasonable at all. But you need accept that sometimes people can say no if they’re busy and they don’t need to prioritise you and go out of their way to help if it isn’t an emergency.

Asking for help is OK, but YABU to expect that your mother would be able to do so every time you ask.
My dd was in hospital for 4 months and DM who lived 4 hours away only visited once.
Giving support when you have a newborn and when your dd are sick are completely different scenarios. Your mother would have been able to make plans in advance for the former but expecting her to drop everything, put her own health at risk for something that isn't really an emergency is unreasonable in my opinion.

@TuttiCutie Yep, that's right. Lock me up and throw away the key!

You are right about the husband problem, but the OP has mentioned her DP is on a contract job. This literally might last only a month before the next lot of work comes in, for all we know. Contract jobs are generally shorter term, and if he wasn't working you'd all be banging on about how he should pull his finger out and get a job.

Yabu it's you and your dp who need to deal with this

And the husband is probably stepping up where he can. I'm not pretending his situation is ideal, by the way.

What I'm trying to say is that I sympathise with the OP, to a certain extent. Her DD is really poorly, things are temporarily difficult, and her mother is too busy having lunch!

Why on earth would anyone want to go to a house where someone had d and v. Nor should you be asking anyone to come. Welcome to parenthood. It’s tough.

If the husband is out of the house from 7-9 what do people expect him to do?

I am a grandma with one six week old grandchild. You wouldn't need to ask me because I would offer to help in whatever way I could. I work full time but would re-arrange to help my d-i-l. They help me, we help them. It takes a village to raise a baby in my view.

I think others are being very tough on you, not sure why. My parents were a bit useless mainly because I've never got on with my mother so I have resolved to help my children with theirs when I can and when it's wanted. I'm babysitting for today in a hotel room (surfing mumsnet) while son and d-i-l attend a wedding and reception. D-i-l comes to feed when I text her. I'm honoured that they asked me.

I'm not a saint though and I think many grandparents would do the same as me.

What I'm trying to say is that I sympathise with the OP, to a certain extent. Her DD is really poorly, things are temporarily difficult, and her mother is too busy having lunch

Which is her prerogative. Plus she lives 4 hours away. It sounds like she has helped the OP out previously but is living her life now which she’s perfectly entitled to do.

And your husband is where??? It's your child and you both need to look at your priorities. Being irritated your Mum won't do a 8 hr round trip with the risk of getting sick, too, is pretty poor.

your dc is ill & you cant cope dh/p cant/wont take time off to help - you think its unfair for your mil & your mother (who lives 4 hours away) doesn't come & help - excuse my laughter - what planet are you living on! I had one dear baby with severe asthma (as in nebulisers 5 times a day & getting every chest infection that passed by - & who didn't sleep properly until dc reached primary - think sitting upright in my bed with dc sitting upright in front to help him breath sometimes) another slightly older dc who had asd & oldest dc in infant school. & I worked looking after other dchildren - dh was for part of the time a temp worker & my dm? she looked after 2 of my dc for one night when we moved & we had to go over early next day because she couldn't cope - Here's newsflash - anything a grandparent offers to do be grateful & remember if older people get tummy upset from a dc they can get really ill - will you than look after them????

The week before Christmas she will have a lot on. She probably doesn’t want to get sick and 4hrs is a long way. Your DH will have to take some time off. I had to cope with 5wks of Ecoli with 2 kids banned from school and nursery on public health grounds. No parents / inlaws offered, and I didn’t want to risk them catching it anyway. You’re being Very unreasonable

And your husband is where???

Does anybody ever rtft anymore?

You have my sympathy I think that your family are making choices! It is disappointing for you.

My Mum was the same with my children

Your child. Your problem.

When you have a child you have to be prepared to do it all. Grandparents don't have to

The mother has helped the OP out a lot. Staying over to help her when her DD was younger. She has a prior arrangement that she can’t get out of tomorrow. Hardly her fault!