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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
HappyHarlot · 14/12/2019 17:22

YABVU OP.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 14/12/2019 17:22

I haven't RTFT, but I'm going to go ever so slightly against the grain here... I am also fully prepared to be flamed!

So whilst I agree with PP that this is your child, you chose to have her, and that you can't really expect your mother to drop everything when she lives four hours away is a little bit much.

BUT. I wonder how much pressure you were put under by your PIL/DM when it came to grandchildren? IE "ooooooh when are you and DH going to have babies, I'd love some grandchildren" etc. For context, my DH and I are TTC now, but we were very ambivalent for years about children. But both of our parents (My DM included) was very pushy about children. "You'll change your mind, you don't know what love is until you've pushed a kid out of your vagina" all that bollocks!

What I'm trying to say, is that there is every possibility that this could have happened (OP I'm not suggesting this happened to you directly - I am wondering generally) - and then the GP suddenly aren't interested.

My biggest concern, however, is that you are still your mother's child. How could ANY mother not WANT to help their own children/grandchildren when they are struggling? Again, a four hour drive is a long way but my goodness, the OP isn't asking for her DM to babysit whilst she goes out for a jolly.

I don't know. These are just my thoughts.

Chewbecca · 14/12/2019 17:23

I’m a grandparent and prefer not to be in contact with DGC when they have d&v as I don’t want to catch it. I would definitely be reluctant to drive 4 hours to do so. If you had another (well) DC I might be up for taking them out for a while to give you a rest with the poorly one.

I think your DH needs to give you a break, not your DM.

Sandaled · 14/12/2019 17:24

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask for help, but she isn't being unreasonable in saying no. Grandparents shouldn't be obliged to help out, I am sure if she lived closer and there wasn't the chance of her catching a lingering sickness bug she would be more likely to. I do empathise, my partner works away every 3 months (3 months at home, 3 months away etc), and that was hard with a newborn. Is there no way he can take some time off of work?

NoSauce · 14/12/2019 17:25

BUT. I wonder how much pressure you were put under by your PIL/DM when it came to grandchildren? IE "ooooooh when are you and DH going to have babies, I'd love some grandchildren

Thank think that’s a bit of a leap. Or have I missed something insulating that happened?

I don’t know anyone that went ahead and got pregnant because their mother or MIL said they wanted a grandchild. I mean, that would be madness.

SoftBlocks · 14/12/2019 17:25

A lot of people don’t have any help from family, ever. They have to cope.
You were very fortunate to have your mother to help with your baby.

BlaueLagune · 14/12/2019 17:25

Very good post above. I am usually also in the "their your kids, get on with it camp and you don't think about grandchildren when you're shagging in your 30s" but I do agree that some people come under a lot of pressure to give their parents grandchildren.

I overheard a weird conversation on the train last week. Someone was going to Australia next month and was talking about a friend who was also going but for 10 weeks. Apparently her "friends" had been asking her how she could bear to leave her grandchildren for so long. She had apparently replied she had a relationship with her own husband and wanted some fun too. The outrage of it! I've seen a lot of comments on here about grandparents being duty bound to take an interest in their grandchildren but that was just ridiculous.

OneDay10 · 14/12/2019 17:25

I dont think the novelty has worn off, more likely shes tired of you feeling entitled to her time. Fgs you have one child who has two parents, you need to take care of her without anybody to drop what they are doing. And besides, who wants to risk a sickness bug??

ILearnedItFromABook · 14/12/2019 17:26

No, not the grandparents' responsibility to care for a sick grandchild. Especially this kind of sickness. Especially right before Christmas, with everything else that's going on this time of year for many people. And especially when it requires a four-hour drive each way!

It's not fun to be sick or take care of a sick child, but that's parenthood.

However, I do understand being annoyed if your mother is taking credit for being a great help to you, if that's no longer the case. People can be extremely irritating.

BlaueLagune · 14/12/2019 17:26

their your kids? Huh? THEY'RE your kids!

Hagbeth · 14/12/2019 17:27

I think she is distancing herself from you is because you need to learn to take cate of yourself. YABU

Mary46 · 14/12/2019 17:28

I hope she is better soon. Maybe the journey is alot for her. My mam gave feck all help over the years as had raised her own. Fair enough. I do know lack sleep is hard though. Can your husband help at night to give you break

TuttiCutie · 14/12/2019 17:28

BUT. I wonder how much pressure you were put under by your PIL/DM when it came to grandchildren? IE "ooooooh when are you and DH going to have babies, I'd love some grandchildren

Hilarious. I can't see where you got that from, or how on earth that equals a grandparents responsibility to drive an 8 hour round trip, with the real possibility of catching a stomach bug themselves two weeks before Christmas, to help look after a sick baby who probably only wants mum and dad anyway.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 14/12/2019 17:28

Dd 2 didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours at any one time until she was 18 months. I had no help from anyone and an older very winey dd to also look after. DP would be around in the evening, when I would go out to work. So I had a baby that never slept, a preschooler that moaned constantly all day and then when DP did get home, I went out to work until 10.30pm. Rinse and repeat.

Your child your responsibility I’m afraid. It would be nice if your mum came to help, but she doesn’t have to. Mine never did, ever. I was also a teenage parent (maybe that’s why I was ok, I had plenty of energy!).

AdalindMeisner · 14/12/2019 17:29

Wow, entitled much? How do you think people without family manage? It is not grandparents responsibility, nice if they do but it is not their responsibility to do so. Maybe they dont want to catch the virus?

MyChristmasBauble · 14/12/2019 17:30

It’s your child - not your mothers or your MILs

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 14/12/2019 17:31

@NoSauce society expects women to have babies and for couples to reproduce. Especially grandparents.

PepePig · 14/12/2019 17:32

I think if GP don't want to help, then they shouldn't expect care when they're older. Off to a care home they go. No way should they lie about being amazing grand parents, not bother to help anyway then expect their children to run around after their own kids and them when they're in need. Tough really.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 14/12/2019 17:34

@TuttiCutie how is this funny?! I'm not insinuating that this definitely happened to the OP or that the grandparents should 100% help out as a result. I was just trying to come in from another angle.

MissB83 · 14/12/2019 17:38

YABU. I've had a sick child for nearly 2 weeks and I'm a single parent. My mum has been around because she does childcare twice a week and that's a regular arrangement and she's only 30 mins away but I wouldn't expect her to drop everything. I get why you're feeling fed up because it's draining when you work and have a sick child (I haven't really slept in 2 nights and it's brutal) but it's just life as a parent I think!

NoSauce · 14/12/2019 17:39

@NoSauce society expects women to have babies and for couples to reproduce. Especially grandparents

They may do, but they can’t make anyone have a baby. I don’t even know why this was brought up anyway.

Happygoldfinch · 14/12/2019 17:43

YABU. It's your child; you look after her.

sendmotivation · 14/12/2019 17:44

@FruitcakeOfHate not my intention to enable at all. But if she's this shattered after 2 weeks, the 'parent with the penis' is probably not parenting and might need it spelling out with a, "mum needs a fucking break."

UndertheCedartree · 14/12/2019 17:49

Unfortunately these are the kind of things you have to deal with as a parent. I remember the times I had a child with D&V who had passed it to me - it was horrendous but I had noone to help and had to get on with it.

It would be nice if someone offered to help, but you can't expect it. I understand that as your mother helped a lot before you were hoping for the same again. In some ways I think it is easier if you've never had any help as then you don't expect any and are always in the frame of mind of just having to get on with it.

Hope you daughter feels better soon Flowers

INeedNewShoes · 14/12/2019 17:50

YABU.

I'm a single parent. We've been through 3 sickness bugs so far (I caught all 3 within 48 hours of DD starting) and I have never asked anyone for help because anyone who comes and helps will be exposed to the nasty bug.

I actually think it's really selfish to ask for help in this scenario (and I am not at all reluctant to ask for help in other ways)

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