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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
SpiderCharlotte · 15/12/2019 17:49

Ah come on OP you must know YABU. You're knackered and probably a bit emotional but you can't honestly expect your mum to drive all that way to look after a sick child when it's quite likely that she'll get sick herself? Why would you want that?

My mum lived a similar distance away when mine where tiny and I wouldn't have dreamt of asking her to drive all that way to babysit. My DD has a medical condition which entails night checks. Every single night for the last 10 years. It's exhausting but it's the way it is, the difference is that my DH is supportive and pitches in. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this its shit when your kids are ill.

Jack80 · 15/12/2019 17:52

I sympathise with you I would ask DH to take some time off I can understand parents not wanting to look after a little one with a sickness bug plus children want there parents. Maybe explain to your mum and mil that you need help

Shauna044 · 15/12/2019 17:55

I understand where you are coming from. You should never expect but it's nice to offer. You are her daughter too and if she sees you are struggling a motherly instinct would be to help?. But 4 hour drive is long too. Tricky one

TonTonMacoute · 15/12/2019 17:56

Sorry but this is parenthood for you, sometimes it is bloody hard.

You have no right to take help from grandparents for granted.

riceuten · 15/12/2019 17:57

You are being completely unreasonable. You can't expect grandparents to support you, it's their choice, after all. It's great if they do, but that's nothing you can or should rely on, particularly if they live 4 hours away. I'm mystified as to why you don't question why your partner isn't more supportive at this time.

Lou12124 · 15/12/2019 17:58

I get it 100% I have a 3 year old and 1 year old twins all with this bug atm...I work 2 nights a week so when my husband gets in from work he will watch the kids and when I'm home from work they're up crying coz they're I'll so I take over. BUT I think YABU expecting your mum or MIL to have the kids coz you're tired...you made the decision to have the children not your parents therefore you need to be responsible for them. I also dont agree with people saying DH take time off to look after the child? He works full time? It makes sense for OP to take the time off as shes only part time? Just have a glass of wine in the evening....put on some crap telly to chill....and then get to bed early so you can try and catch up with some sleep!

SchrodingersUnicorn · 15/12/2019 18:00

Obviously yabu to ask her to come and expose herself to a D&V bug. But yanbu at all to hope that your mum might be an emotional support on the end of a phone.
It's also, contrary to some posters on this thread, ok to be finding things hard and need to vent somewhere.
Hope she gets better soon.

Ghostoast · 15/12/2019 18:01

She lives 4 hours away! Honestly parents of one child who can't cope, unless there's something going on (health wise), blow my mind! She's your baby. A 1 year old not sleeping well is normal. 2 weeks of being ill... Normal! I have 3 and get bugger all hell and I've never even asked, they're my kids.

Limensoda · 15/12/2019 18:03

This really bugs me! As a grandparent, it's lovely to help out but the way some parents expect it is bloody annoying.
I do lots for my son and his wife. I look after their two boys regularly to help them out but get criticised because I don't have them sleep over...they live five minutes walk away and I will babysit until the early hours when they go out...but no,...I should have them sleep over so they can have a lie in!! Unbelievable!

11hairylegs · 15/12/2019 18:04

I get where you’re coming from too, a bit, and over the years I’ve been pretty annoyed at my parents for not helping out when I was clearly struggling (teen has long term health condition alongside autism and has had many many stays in hospital inc just 6 months when they were particularly unwell - they didn’t even visit them, or me). Not trying to do top trumps but just so you can see that even if those circumstances they still didn’t help out.
Honestly I suggest lowering your expectation of them, life’s too short and that way you’ll be less disappointed.
Btw For a tummy bug I’d never ask, way too contagious to give to anyone. Completely unfair on anyone when it’s a choice.

Plunger · 15/12/2019 18:04

Get over yourself! You expect someone to travel 4 hours to just to look after your child and possibly/ probably get the bug themselves. Older people are very vulnerable to these sort of bugs as are young children. I had to look after 2 sick children whilst having the same bug myself rather than pass it on to grandparents. Partner away for 2 weeks so no outside help. We survived.

11hairylegs · 15/12/2019 18:05

Ps I hope they feel better soon. It’s not easy to see your children poorly.

SteelRiver · 15/12/2019 18:07

YABVU. She can offer to do as much or as little as she likes. You have no right to expect help and eve less right to be snappy with her.

bluesteakandcheese · 15/12/2019 18:07

Your mum has already done her child rearing. You can't expect her to drop her social life/plans to come and look after your child.

TheGardenFairy · 15/12/2019 18:08

I support my children 100% by having my grandchildren for them to work, when needed, even when GC are ill. They live locally and provided I get prior notice - and my working shifts allow - I'll have them. It's no hardship for me to either travel to theirs or for dc to drop them off at mine for the day. I wouldn't want to stay outside of my home for several days tho.

Why do you expect your mum to travel 4 hours to have your dc OP? Are you a SAHM? What would you want your mum to do? How long would you expect your mum to stay for?

RatherBeFlying · 15/12/2019 18:13

There are comments on here describing more challenging situations than you have, and the parents are simply getting on with it because you are the mum, you have to. I wonder whether your mum has stood back to encourage you to drop the sense of entitlement that's coming through your post. You'd like some help, sure, but you're not entitled to it and what's more, what kind of daughter expects their own mum to drop everything at this time of year, to travel for 4 hrs, in this weather, over a virus? This will happen again, you need to learn how to cope.

3dogs2cats · 15/12/2019 18:14

Crikey. This is a tough crowd. I am a grandmother and I don’t think you are unreasonable to need help, but I think you maybe needed to communicate this more clearly, trouble is that isn’t easy when you are sleep deprived. Tell your mum how tough it is right now, ask for help. It’s fine, it’s fine if she says no too.

PoloMama · 15/12/2019 18:15

I don't think YABU actually. It's not unreasonable to hope family will step up and help in times of need. That's what good families do - they are there for each other. If your partner is away with work then it would be nice for grandparents to offer help, especially if you're working too. However, since on this occasion they are not able/willing then can you afford to pay for a temporary additional pair of hands?

Niki93 · 15/12/2019 18:16

Its awful when a child isnt well for a pro longed amount of time. It does make things more strenuous and difficult, and you do crave help at that point, so I understand why you may want mother and/or in law to step in. However, its part and parcel of having children im afraid, and one of those things you have to grin and bare.

Some people have parents who will step in at the drop of a hat, and others dont. Again, its life and the way it is. I think you cant want mother/in law to help, but cant expect it. Yeah it would be a nice touch, but it's not

The help of other people is a lucky added extra (if you get it), but it isn’t mandatory. Plus a 4 hour drives abit of a distance id say.

Im sorry you’re struggling, as is little one. But this is something you may just need to ride out in your own with some possible added support from husband when he can. I hope it doesn’t last too much longer for you. But I wouldn’t give your mother a hard time. It cant be helped if others are busy.

If mother/in law happen to never input at all regardless of how ill or well your child is on a continuing level, then yeah thats slightly unreasonable as youd like them to make the effort now and then for family relationship, but on this occasion i think its something you cant really expect or challenge.

ilsb · 15/12/2019 18:16

I agree with the others, your little one is your responsibility, not your mothers or mother-in-laws.
Your mum has a right to her own life. Children get sickness bugs, this won't be the first or the last and you will just need to get used to it.
Your mum has done her child rearing and quite rightly is now enjoying having time to herself and shouldn't be expected to change her plans for you.

CountryGirl1234 · 15/12/2019 18:19

Similar postition myself, my DD is a little older, we run our own business but the bulk of work is a 2 hour drive away and sometimes I have to go too, do the night shift (DD hasn’t ever slept well) still bf, keep the house, do all paperwork, cooking and washing up, I walk the dogs, clean the cars and food shop. DP goes to work and comes home exhausted. My parents often pop in but actually childminding is very different and they have much to do themselves and very little time to do so. MIL/ FIL are tricky at the best of times and live an hour or more away and we wouldn’t want them to baby sit. I believe that whilst the help is well, helpful - no one is under any obligation. I think most parents are in the same boat.

Bugbabe1970 · 15/12/2019 18:23

I’m going against the grain here but it you were my daughter I would drive 4 hours to come and help you
If you feel things have changed between you and your mum have a chat with her
Hope your little one is better soon x

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/12/2019 18:28

I was a single mum to five kids (and worked), with no family within 350 miles and on one awful, unforgettable occasion I had to ask the eldest child (who was about 13 at the time) to stay off school to look after his youngest sister (who was 6) for the day because I HAD TO GO TO WORK. She was being sick, couldn't be left, I had no help but absolutely had to go in and, bless him, he obliged.

THAT is the reality of having children. Luckily on the whole they were robust healthy children and I never had to face that kind of dilemma again, but it was awful at the time.

I am now a grandmother. I don't help with the gc. I have two jobs, despite which I am permanently broke, and if i could raise five with no help, then my child can raise their two without me having to be called upon. If that's harsh, well, I never asked them to have children and if they didn't think they could cope then maybe they should have thought twice themselves.

BackInTime · 15/12/2019 18:29

While I sympathise that it's difficult when kids are ill YABU to expect anyone to look after your DD and risk catching her illnesses. My Dsis does this to my DPs, pops in regularly even when her DC have D&V or even chicken pox still contagious and doesn't think it's a big deal. Drives me nuts especially as they are getting older they really do not need the risk of catching every bug from their DGCs.

JacquesHammer · 15/12/2019 18:32

There are comments on here describing more challenging situations than you have, and the parents are simply getting on with it because you are the mum, you have to

So what? Why does it matter? It isn’t a race to the bottom for mummy martyrdom. That’s a cruddy crown to wear

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