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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
Thatagain · 15/12/2019 14:16

YABVU

Thatagain · 15/12/2019 14:19

The only advice I can give you is don't have anymore children. Especially if you are finding one child this difficult.

FruitcakeOfHate · 15/12/2019 14:34

The only advice I can give you is don't have anymore children. Especially if you are finding one child this difficult.

This. And you and you H need to have a serious discussion about parenting responsibilities because they are ultimately yours and it's completely unreasonable to expect a relative to expose themselves to illness to provide assistance - paid childcare generally won't do this for a reason.

LLMD · 15/12/2019 14:41

You’ve changed the tune since people said YABU. Now you’re upset that your mum is distancing herself.

It’s yours and your DH responsibility to look after your DD.

Kids get sick, a lot. So it’s not realistic to expect your mum to do an 8hr round trip every time someone gets a sniffle.

It’s hard when they are relentlessly sick and not sleeping and you’re exhausted, buts it’s parenting.

lalafafa · 15/12/2019 14:44

you and your partner have 5 days off between you, that's enough time to cope.

CalamityJune · 15/12/2019 14:58

I see both sides of this one. By the "letter of the law" so to speak, no your mum isn't required to help you, however I would like to think that when my children are adults I will (pisstaking aside) still go the extra mile for them and not simply watch them struggle when I could be a help to them.

Even if she can't come to you this time, a regular phonecall to check how you both are would be an emotional support. It also does seem rubbish that she is expecting you to make that long journey to her's every single time.

PoptartPoptart · 15/12/2019 15:07

My mum and dad came to ‘help’ me when DS was two and had a sickness bug (difference is that I didn’t ask, they just came as they were just down the road) Guess what? They got it too. My mum in particular was really poorly.
Sickness bugs are notoriously contagious. The least amount of people who are exposed the better.
YABU.

Arrowfanatic · 15/12/2019 15:18

As DD is only 1 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is the first time she's been really unwell & so you're probably feeling a bit shell shocked, tired, emotional and like you cant do everything you need.

I remember the my 3 kids all got a sickness bug at the same time in the first week of the xmas holidays. I'd been so lucky that we'd never had that before. Occassional bouts of sickness but a full blown sickness bug is horrific.

You need to batten down the hatches & you & dh work it out yourselves. Dont get other people in who could catch it. And get ready for those school years when it'll be illness after illness.

Valanice1989 · 15/12/2019 15:22

But it's not just "someone else's baby". That reads as though it's just some random, unrelated person. It's her daughter's baby, her grandchild. Fucking hell, some people on here....

Fine, then, I'll rephrase it:

Surely expecting a woman to drive four hours to look after her sick grandchild, possibly catch a virus, and then drive another four hours back home... is expecting her to be a martyr?

How is that not expecting martyrdom, but expecting the OP to look after her own sick baby (minus all the travelling) is? It makes no sense.

LolaDabestest · 15/12/2019 15:45

There are people out there with multiple kids, that have disabilities etc etc who get fuck all help off family...you are being entitled and a bit ridiculous. You have 1 child...your mum has her own life so what if she has to post a letter etc it's her choice what she does.

beautifulstranger101 · 15/12/2019 16:07

*Fine, then, I'll rephrase it:

Surely expecting a woman to drive four hours to look after her sick grandchild, possibly catch a virus, and then drive another four hours back home... is expecting her to be a martyr?

How is that not expecting martyrdom, but expecting the OP to look after her own sick baby (minus all the travelling) is? It makes no sense*

This. How does expecting a mother to look after her sick child make her a martyr? I genuinely dont get this. I had no family help with my two kids as my parents are dead. I'm NOT saying that because I expect a medal or because I'm trying to compete in the "suffering olympics", its just a fact. I had to look after both kids when sick, on my own. Why on earth does that make me a martyr? I chose to have kids. Yes, its bloody hard when they're sick and its exhausting and it sucks, but thats just life. The fact people cope with far worse doesnt make it any less hard for you, but it does help to understand that if they can do it, so can you!
I would also argue that asking a much older GP to travel an 8 hour car trip with the risk of catching D&V just before Christmas is far more into the realms of "martyrdom" than looking after your sick kid yourself.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 15/12/2019 16:32

Gosh, there are a lot of arseholes on here.

If my mum seemed generally disinterested in my life and my child like the OP feels her mum is being, I'd be heartbroken too. This isn't about the helping out with a sick kid now, we've all established that was a bit too much to ask re the 4 hour drive.

OP, that must be really hard and I really do sympathise Flowers

I'm getting the distinct vibe from a lot of PP that they had very little help from others when it would have been useful, and they now feel the need to tear another woman down when she dares to utter that she is struggling. I hope you all feel much better for that - especially the comment from the witch that said it was a shame that "OP's mother raised an entitled brat" Hmm

As some (lovely) PPs have mentioned - it takes a village to raise a baby. It's an exaggerated saying, but I couldn't do it alone.

OP I really hope your daughter feels better soon and you all get some much needed rest.

beautifulstranger101 · 15/12/2019 16:38

OP said:

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out

I hardly think that sounds like someone who doesnt care about their daughter at all. She regularly travelled 4 hours to help out when little one was a baby. Perhaps as she's getting older its just too much now? or perhaps she has problems of her own that OP doesnt know about or perhaps she's just super busy enjoying retirement? Or perhaps she's just bloody knackered? I actually think its a bit arseholey to assume the reason she isn't helping is because she's just a selfish uncaring GP.

Poorolddaddypig · 15/12/2019 17:10

YABU. Sorry

Pinkblueberry · 15/12/2019 17:16

Helping out when you’re a brand new parent with a newborn is different to helping out with every minor difficulty once you’re an established parent. Grandparents don’t need to cancel plans over regular children’s illnesses (obviously if it was very serious or an emergency then it would be different) just because it would make it easier for the parent - newsflash: no one enjoys sickness bugs or finds them easy to deal with. Add to that a 4 hour drive! To expect that is just insane.

BlueJava · 15/12/2019 17:22

Perhaps she is distancing herself as you've tried to get help from her too many times. YABU i think.

1forAll74 · 15/12/2019 17:37

You should be able to carry on, as best you can,especially as your Mum lives a fair distance away,and not just around the corner.

Morgomargot · 15/12/2019 17:38

I feel that YABU to expect the grandmother's to rush to your aid. I absolutely understand how you are feeling as I've been there myself but when it came down to it what help could they offer? Your child doesn't want anyone but you so they really couldn't do much in the way of child care. Could you afford some help in the way of cleaning or sending ironing out to lighten the domestic load? It's hard when it's not just the child care but everything else that falls to you

AG29 · 15/12/2019 17:39

Did I read she lives 4 hours away? and you expect her to nip over to help? I get how hard it is OP but that sounds unrealistic. My mum lives 20 minutes away and she doesn’t help out at all. I’ve learnt it’s best not to rely on others. I am secretly envious of those parents who have grandparents who regularly help out. 😩

manicmij · 15/12/2019 17:42

YABU whose child are you talking about, oh yes, yours! This is another example of entitlement. Entitled to expect others to take on your responsibilities. Yes it's hard, bloody awful at times, but your responsibility.

JacquesHammer · 15/12/2019 17:43

Do people really equate asking for help with entitlement?!

What a sorry way to think.

Ilovesunshine22 · 15/12/2019 17:43

Getting her to drive 4 hours to help you and risk getting a sickness bug her self especially for Christmas is selfish I think. If that was my mother is make sure she came no where near us untill little one had fully recovered.

gingerbiscuits · 15/12/2019 17:44

I get where you're coming from but think the sleep deprivation is making you a bit unreasonable - I can see why she wouldn't want to drive for 4hrs to potentially catch a nasty D&V bug herself! It's utterly crap but it won't last forever- you just need to dig in & get through it. Speaking from experience, it quite probably won't be the last time, either!

BlaueLagune · 15/12/2019 17:48

It's her daughter's baby, her grandchild

Doesn't change the fact that it's an 8 hour round trip.

My mum (who lives 3 hours away) came and helped when my husband and I had flu at the same time when ds was 3. We coped during the week as he went to nursery and we could get him there and collect him, but she came at the weekend to help.

But she wouldn't have come to help when ds was sick, that is completely different (unless it was something really serious).

Happygirl79 · 15/12/2019 17:48

Don't you think your mum has done her bit bringing you up?
She deserves to enjoy her golden years if she has retired
Be grateful for the time she gives you
It's not easy being a mother who works when a child is unwell but it is your responsibility not your mums

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