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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 15/12/2019 07:27

I still work fulltime Elbeagle. And rigjt now I couldn't drop work but when I retire I'll be able to.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 07:51

Still think the problem is OP’s DH.

SupportingSally · 15/12/2019 08:05

Dear OP. I am so sorry you are having a rough time, being made worse by feeling rejected by your Mum. Sadly, there may not be much you can do about it beyond asking clearly for the support you need. Your mother is making choices that she may regret when she is older and needs to rely on you in turn, and she may simply not realise how very much you would appreciate her support. I remember how lonely and dispiriting it can be looking after small children singlehanded (husband working long hours) with zero family support. Even an hour or two off and some company could change your whole outlook. If your DH can’t be there to help you when you are feeling so low, can you instead “buy in” the help? You need to look after yourself to be a good mother to your baby. Alternatively, do you have any local friends/neighbours/sisters who could give you a break? Don’t worry if you don’t - it’s not you, it is tricky to form “baby friendships” when you work. Perhaps also make an appointment to see your GP as you sound low. Meanwhile, wrap the little one up warmly and go for a long walk...it might feel like the last thing you want to do but might nonetheless boost your spirits....Lastly, and most importantly, 2 weeks is a long time for a baby to be sick. Please trust your instincts and go back to the GP if you are worried. Flowers.

SallyWD · 15/12/2019 08:19

I think the solution is for your DH to take a couple of days off and help out. I'm not surprised you're exhausted but this is a problem for you and your DH to sort out. My folks live far away too and it has never even entered my head to ask them to come here and help when my 2 kids are ill. You just get on with it.

Tanith · 15/12/2019 08:46

“ Odd that no one with a penis is expected to do any (grand)parenting.”

Depressing that none of them have thought to offer.

saraclara · 15/12/2019 08:56

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out

This is what the mum bashers are missing. This isn't an uncaring mum who can't be bothered.

But ffs, she's FOUR HOURS away, it's nearly Christmas, and the child has d&v. I hardly have the wildest of social lives, but dropping everything at this time of year (when the doctors said is just a case of waiting for the virus to fade) is not something I'd be in a hurry to do either. She could drop her friends and other commitments, do that four hour journey, and find the kid's as bright as a button.

ForkThis · 15/12/2019 09:12

OP, I know exactly what it’s like to feel rejected by your mum, so I understand how you feel. It hurts.

I think that is a separate issue to this one instance though, as you must realise it’s unreasonable to expect someone to drive an 8 hour round trip to help out with one child, especially when that child has two parents, and a just a run of the mill D&V bug. I could understand if you were a single parent with 9 kids and broken leg, but this is nothing out of the ordinary that should require help from anyone other than the child’s other parent.

I would never voluntarily visit someone who has D&V. I’m sure you wouldn’t either.

NoSauce · 15/12/2019 09:16

Odd that no one with a penis is expected to do any (grand)parenting

Depressing that none of them have thought to offer

There has been no mention of the OPs dad or FIL in the thread. Maybe they aren’t alive or in contact with the OP?

My wild guess here that the mum feels like she’s been put on by the OP and is distancing herself. Being expected to drive 4 hours to help out your DD because her child has a tummy bug and drop all your prior arrangements is a lot to ask.

Maybe mum thinks so too.

emilybrontescorsett · 15/12/2019 10:16

So this thread is more about how the old self let down by her mum.
I get it op.
On top of this your dh is hardly up for father of the year is he?
I think you need a conversation with your dh to explain that he absolutely needs to do more.

DeadButDelicious · 15/12/2019 10:58

We've just got over norovirus and I deliberately kept my mum away as I didn't want her to get it (she's immunosuppressed and nearly 70). My MIL helped me out for one day, which I was insanely grateful for as I was barely out of the bathroom and I felt terrible about it as she then went on to get it. The rest of the time I was on my own as DH was working nights, then he got it as well.

You just muddle through. You aren't entitled to help. If it's offered great, if not well that's that.

my2bundles · 15/12/2019 11:01

It sounds like your child has norovirus which is spreading at the moment. Schools are closing for deep cleans to try to contain it and stop the spread. If my kids get it I will tell visitors not to visit. Yes you are being unreasonable in that you expect your mum to travel 4 hours to risk catching it then either becoming to sick to travel home or spreading it further. You feeling rejected by your mum is a separate issue, you are being selfish to expect anyone to do this.

BringPizza · 15/12/2019 11:02

YABU OP. She's your mum not your lackey. You would like her to do more, that doesn't mean she should do more. Besides, surely the sensible thing is to not spread it around.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 15/12/2019 11:06

Yabu. No one wants d&v a week before Christmas.

purplecorkheart · 15/12/2019 11:08

Op I do wonder is your Mum able for a four hour drive. I know my father who is retired would not be able for a four drive anymore and he is active and healthy.

Does your Mom know that you miss spending time with her or does she feel that you are only phoning looking for her to help out? Do you leave her do a lot when she does come

How is your Moms health, both physical and Mental?

Does your mother feel that you are expecting help from her instead of your dh doing his fair share? What is her relationship with your dh like?

riotlady · 15/12/2019 11:22

My mum lives 20 mins away and wouldn’t cone anywhere near us when Dd had a tummy bug

Lolacat1234 · 15/12/2019 11:26

Sorry - I know it's bloody hard but YABU. I have an 8 month old that also doesn't sleep or nap and an alcoholic mother who doesn't help, and DPs mum lives over an hours drive away and works full time. No one is at all obliged to help you with your babies at any time. But I do know how hard it is to be on your own and to struggle especially when they are ill. I hope you are ok xxx

Littlepeak34 · 15/12/2019 11:32

4 hours drive away - YABU.

Even if she lived 20 mins away, she is still risking getting the bug.

Kaykay066 · 15/12/2019 11:34

It’s tough at that age, when they are poorly not sleeping etc even worse when you have little support. I wouldn’t want to come into contact with a nasty bug as an older/elderly person but i Hope i would help out with childcare for my boys when the time comes. My mum has never done this, she moved to Australia when my son was 12 days old. I finished my nurse training and had 3 more sons whilst she was away - she came back when ds 2 was 4 to live 500 miles away so never been ‘around’ consequence of that is I get on with it on my own but I know I can because she’s never been ‘there’ to come and help.

This said, doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have been nice to have a mum who is there for me and my kids but I see it that I had them and they are my responsibility (& their fathers) I think your dh needs to step up a bit and help/support you. Your mum isn’t going to change and suddenly come over to give you what you need so let that go (hurtful yes)
I hope your baby is better soon, terrible time of year for bugs and they linger on smaller kids too. A pro biotic is a good suggestion my 3rd son was on them as a baby via dietician.

nanbread · 15/12/2019 12:31

So I've not really had help from GPs at all. Not even at the start.

It's really shit and hard. My mental health suffered, so did DH. We have got through the worst now, DC are older.

Yes, GPs aren't obliged to help and I understand they don't want to get ill. We often have DC older these days so they're too old / tired to help as well.

BUT

We're simply not meant to live in isolated family units of two parents and children.

This is a huge societal issue in the west.

It's not your GPs fault but what you (and many other parents) are going through is not the way it should be.

For that, YANBU.

Sadly I don't know how we fix this, aside from going to live in communes...

Countryescape · 15/12/2019 12:42

Would be nice if she helped more. I don’t really understand grandparents who don’t to be honest. What would really piss me off is her making out to everyone else that she does lots for you, when she doesn’t!!

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 15/12/2019 13:02

She lives 4 hours away you are being very unreasonable here. Growing up my clostest grandparents were a 3 hour drive away. You know what my parents did if I was sick? they looked after me themselves.

It's a 4 hour drive not just poping into the car for 15 minutes to help out.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2019 13:05

Oh dressedas, that is hard that you feel so distant from your mum. However it really could be a complete misunderstanding if you’ve always been close before, you owe it to the relationship to try to talk to her about it. But not until baby is better and you’ve had some sleep!
One baby is hard. One sick baby who wakes all night is hard. It’s not a competition. However these are the times your dh needs to step up. You had a baby together, he doesn’t work 24 hours a day and nor can you.

diddl · 15/12/2019 13:43

I also can't help feeling that perhaps mum feels as if she is only invited when help is wanted or maybe even that Op only visits to get some help with her daughter.

melj1213 · 15/12/2019 13:58

Would be nice if she helped more.

How is a grandparent supposed to help more from 4hrs away?

Even on a good day if the OPs mum left home at 7am they wouldnt arrive at the OPs house till nearly lunchtime then they'd want to be getting home at a reasonable hour so say leaving around 4/5pm ... so a grand total of 8hrs travelling for 4/5hrs max with OP and her DD.

As a one off it would be ok but an 8hr round trip every week would start to get tiring after a while.

The only other option would be for the OPs mum to come for an extended stay - which requires hosting and for her to be able to come for days at a time. My mum doesnt work but she has other commitments so she couldn't just drop everything to visit for days at a time whenever I wanted and I'm sure the OPs mum is the same.

DecemberSnow · 15/12/2019 13:58

One child. Your the mother. Your responsibility

Some people deal with a child being proper sick / in and out of hospital and have other children to look after.

Its one child with a tummy bug 🍪

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