Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

@skybluee exactly.

People love putting others down so they can elevate themselves into a superior position. But sure, Mumsnet is always like this. Half the posters are obsessed with being competitive victims. Someone will post a rant one time and there will be a hundred people in to sell their little sob story.

I'm surprised no one has came along with "I was a single mum of ten children and they were all hospitalised at the same time and I had to work 90 hours a week 3000000 miles away from family regardless and I was on death's door myself but I'd never expect anyone to help you're being soooooo unreasonable!!"

Always the same. Never changes.

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling estranged and rejected.
Of course that is making you feel worse.

You haven't explained why your child's father isn't supporting you.

He should be.
When children are sick for an extended period, it can make you feel very isolated as your routine is suspended.

Talk to your husband, he needs to step up.

I hope things improve soon. 💐

Could you Mum be depressed? It does seem strange that she is avoiding you so much? Maybe she too is overwhelmed in some way?

Could you Mum be depressed? It does seem strange that she is avoiding you so much? Maybe she too is overwhelmed in some way

Agree. There could be things going on for the mum that noone knows about and she hasn't told anyone. Everyone is assuming its because she doesnt care- maybe thats not it at all. Maybe she's not well.

I feel for you OP. If she helped and was there at first and isn't now, it must be hard. I do think its difficult for grandparents and she could be concerned about setting expectations - especially living so far away. She could be conflicted between living her life and retaining that homemaker and helper 'title'.

I think you need to lean on your DH more. He is the one to step in when times are hard. Your mum will be there for you and DC just not in the capacity you originally thought it looks like.

Hope little one feels better soon and you don't catch it!

Or maybe she’s just fed up of having to come and help so is distancing herself a little so that the OP and DH have to cope alone..

She shouldn’t have o find an excuse as it’s not her responsibility.

It’s also irresponsible to invite others to a home with a sickness bug in imo. Why would anyone want to risk infect others?

YABU . I’m another who think that your DH needs to step up to the mark and take time off.

Mumsnet. The place where you have to struggle and be a martyr 24/7. Yawn.

Surely expecting a woman to drive four hours to look after someone else's sick baby, possibly catch a virus, and then drive another four hours back home... is expecting her to be a martyr?

It is not your DM job to look after your DC. That is between you & your DH.

No, YABU. Four hours drive!! And your child ill with vomiting. You don't have to cover yourself at work. You need to woman up a bit here, this is your new normal now!!

NoSauce, yes, my daughter and grandkids come before everyone else and if there’s a crisis or problem or need for me to change my plans that’s what I do

Sympathies OP hope she gets better soon. Would it be that your mum prefers the newborn stage but is a bit overwhelmed by the active baby stage ? Or as others have said is there something going on with her ? I think you need to establish what is the type of relationship she wants to have with your family and work around that. It is very disappointing when you realise the parent/grandparent relationships are not what you thought they were (speaking from experience!!!) but you can't change people and need to just work with what you have. Also this endless competition on here of how awful everyone else has had it and how they soldiered on regardless is totally unnecessary...

As some of the few rational posters have suggested, yes it's possible there's something going a bit wrong in your mum's life. It might be something completely unrelated to you, like having lost her driving licence or something else she's embarrassed to tell you about.

It can be very easy, once the kids have grown and you're relishing the freedom that brings for time to fly, but six months is a long time for her not to have visited. Does she feel welcome at yours? I know we felt we should give DSD space and not overwhelm her with visits, but actually we got the balance a bit wrong and now see a lot more of her and her baby.

Surely expecting a woman to drive four hours to look after someone else's sick baby, possibly catch a virus, and then drive another four hours back home... is expecting her to be a martyr?

But it's not just "someone else's baby". That reads as though it's just some random, unrelated person. It's her daughter's baby, her grandchild. Fucking hell, some people on here....

Innit, Rae.
I would do this to help my step daughter, as would DGD's actual grandmas and my husband, work and other caring commitments allowing. None of us are martyrs, but we are family.

Sadly whether it’s your mums grandchildren or not - she’s not obliged to help.
I was so jealous of people that got actual help from grandparents with their DC - but we don’t all get that lucky
Chances are if your mum isn’t offering help spontaneously- if you did get help from her it’ll come with a price of some sort
Either you have to find a way to cope by yourself or get some local help.

I sympathise- but I’ve lived with children with chronic illness for 9 years and when I outright asked my mum for support she just told me I was ‘difficult’.
I’m trying not to be that kind of mum. X

Just as a thought, when this is all over and everybody is feeling better and especially sometime after Christmas. Invite your mum down and don't ask her for help, look after her, pamper her a bit, spend some time and enjoy each other's company without asking her to do anything.

Those saying they would do it because it’s family are spectacularly missing the point that the OPs mum has helped her DD, she stayed over a lot when the baby was born.

We know sod all of what’s going on in her life. It’s unfair to say she’s not doing enough now. Maybe she feels a bit put on?

As draining as it is having a young child ill it’s not life or death. I wouldn’t expect anyone to drop their plans just because my husband was working all weekend to drive four hours to help me out.

And I wouldn’t be starting a thread publicly moaning about it either.

YABVU. You need to be caring for your dc. It's very hard when they don't sleep but it's still yours AND your dh responsibility. He should be looking for more appropriate work around helping you. Your setup doesn't sound very balanced between you two and you appear to be blaming your mum for your lack of available childcare. No gp is obliged to care for their gc.

Tbh it sounds like you're struggling with the idea that your mother has her own life and isnt prioritising you over everything else.

The problem is she isn't just round the corner and able to pop in for the afternoon, she's 4hrs away. So she either has to do an 8hr round trip in a day or stay for multiple days. That's a big ask at any time but especially a couple of weeks before Christmas when people are generally busier with their own social lives and it's not easy to just drop/cancel things with less than a days notice as well as your DD being ill.

I am going out with a friend tomorrow that I havent seen for 6 months because she lives 2 hours away and we just havent been able to find time to meet up ... no way would I be cancelling that lunch for anything beyond an emergency.

Also, the days are shorter and the weather isnt great, so your mum would have to do a lot of driving in the dark to visit and perhaps she isnt confident driving in bad conditions? When I used to drive I would have no problems driving in good conditions in the dark or bad conditions in good light but I would not have been confident driving in bad conditions in the dark, especially not over such a long distances.

Then you have to factor in the fact your child is ill - I have a really good immune system and rarely ever get ill but I still wouldnt willingly go to stay with someone when they have illness - especially D&V - in the house with a small child. From about 2/3 you can work on hygiene (using tissues, hand washing etc) to prevent the spread of illness but smaller children are harder to do that with so spread of illness is likely to be higher and that is not something I would risk right before Christmas.

I used to be able to drive long distances without worrying about it, but now, in my 50s, I find it harder (and I have been doing the Brussels to Cornwall run and back for 7 years). I am always wiped out for a week after doing that journey.

I can see why the OP's Mum doesn't relish the thought of the drive, especially at this time of year. I can also see why she doesn't want to be exposed to a D&V bug;, it takes me ages to bounce back now from things I would have shaken off years ago.

I did the Brussels to the Devon/Cornwall borders in the spring to look after my Mum when she had a cataract done. I had to completely rearrange what I was doing to facilitate this, as she gave me five days notice (and I had to arrange to get ds back to Brussels, as we were in the UK), drive down..look after her for the week, (wait on her hand, foot and finger) and then drive back. I was wrecked for about 10 days when I got home.

I can feel myself slowing down; I don't have as much energy as I used to have and I catch everything going as I have a non existent immune system. I can see why the OP feels disappointed, but it is more effort as one gets middle aged, and whilst I might have helped if it were a snotty cold, I would be avoiding D&V like the plague.

I also think we consider our parents to be like teachers - they live in the cupboard and are wheeled out when needed. Parents do have lives after their kids have grown up, even if the kids don't realise it. Parents are still individuals with their own wants and needs, they are not just parents..they are people.

ScaryTeacher, I'm 59 - 6 months off 60. I agree I have to pace myself more than 10 years ago but you are making 50 something sound like 80 something.

OhTheRoses you’re exactly the same age as my mum, but she still works full time so wouldn’t be able to drop everything to come and help even if she wanted to.

Hi op its sounds really hard and do you know what if my child was struggling with a poorly child and no sleep I would help but I think the fact it's a tummy bug and so close to Christmas is a little different. I have looked after friends/ relatives children when they have been poorly and my mum looked after my son with chickenpox but to be honest It would take a lot for me to look after a child with a tummy bug. Why dont you chat with your mum about you feeling she isnt as interested, not coming to visit ect if it's out of character she may have something going on. Have you or you husband asked mil to help? Mil are often in an awkward position and she may feel like she doesn't want to interfere. Once you little one is better why dont you try and ask both for help and see what they say? Are you and your husband off over christmas ? If so I would arrange some time to yourself.

Has the doctor recommended anything fur your daughter? Sounds like she needs a probiotic. I'm not sure if she is on dairy, but maybe until the bug clears up cut it out of her diet. Dairy can aggravate a bug and cause it to linger. At this stage too your daughter would be losing a lot of essential minerals. Have a chat with the pharmacist about what you can give her to build her back up.

I'm sorry you feel sad that your relationship with your mum isn't what you hoped. But 4 hours is quite a journey. I can see why you are the ones doing the travelling. My in-laws live an hour away and haven't visited us in 4 years (I'm not complaining, BTW!!) We go see them every 3 months or so.