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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
LittleOne61 · 14/12/2019 19:53

I think you're expecting a huge amount. My mum lives 5 minutes around the corner and I wouldn't expect her to help me out during a sickness bug. Your husband is the one who needs to come home and help you if you need a break.

INeedNewShoes · 14/12/2019 19:53

OP, your update is so measured given the replies you've had on here.

Is there an element of you asking for help as you thought that she might then make the effort and you could be reassured that the relationship is there?

I think if this is important to you, a proper conversation (book a time for a long phonecall) is called for. It does sound as though she is giving the impression of not being bothered but I think it's worth you being clear with her that you want to see more of her, just in case there's been crossed wires at some point.

voddiekeepsmesane · 14/12/2019 19:54

sorry several bold mishaps there Confused

waveajay · 14/12/2019 19:56

@DressedAs I know how you feel. Same story with me. I just wanted you to know that it has nothing to do with you or your baby. Your mum probably has some stuff going on . It's not about you and yes it's sad . The universe always works in your favour though and you'll see in a bit that it was for the best. Best of luck to you. My babies are sick too. Went for a 2 hr drive and left my husband with them was going stir crazy.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/12/2019 19:57

Responding to your recent comment OP, how old is your mum?

The reason I ask is that my inlaws no longer come to visit us much. Turns out they are reluctant to drive on busy roads to get to us although it initially felt like they just didn't want to bother. It took DH having a chat with his dad to find out that they simply don't like driving that far on roads that are much busier and less familiar than they're used to.

They only visit us maybe once or twice a year. They do seem pleased when we visit them but sometimes have their own things happening at the same time. We work around that and use the time to do our own things with the children or just chill out quietly at their house while they're out!

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 14/12/2019 19:58

You've only.got one child you're poor dm lives 4 hrs away. She doesnt want a sickness bug for christmas Crown Biscuit

Surfskatefamily · 14/12/2019 20:01

I sympathise and it's also great your mum has been so helpful even with such a long drive. But I also think yabu.

I wouldn't expect my mum or mil to come if my child has sickness and or diarrhoea. It's hard but it's your child.

You will get through this. If it's been a few weeks then hopefully it's just a few more days

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/12/2019 20:01

Oh and my inlaws aren't super old but as they have got older, their sphere has started to shrink. They like to be at home. Therefore was asking your mum's age, wondering if she's also starting to feel similar.

Kentishgal · 14/12/2019 20:05

I have never even had 2 minutes help from grandparents - they're not in a position to help. Despite having 2 children, both working full time etc etc we have to help our parents especially my parents as my mother has advanced dementia. You're incredibly lucky to have the help you get. I often think of single parents who have no help and think how difficult that must be - it makes me appreciate the fact there are two of us. I think, as hard as it is, you just have to take time off work - all of my holiday last year was used for children's illness - it's just the way it is unfortunately!

Serin · 14/12/2019 20:05

OP, I'm old enough to have grandchildren and life is generally harder as you get older. I have nowhere the energy or patience that I had when my own were little.
I never had any support raising my 3 and worked full time for most of it. I feel sorry for you but honestly you need to count your mum out of the equation.

TheBouquets · 14/12/2019 20:07

Do you know for sure that your DM feels welcomed and at home in your house? Maybe she feels she is only wanted to help and not wanted for the sake of having her around.

I also think it is a very long drive especially at this time of year when it is practically dark day and night. Maybe she is worried about driving that distance on her own now.
It is very difficult to know for sure unless you have a discussion with DM and both of you be honest about your feeling.
If DM had a problem would you dash out the door to help her dropping everything for her?

Quaffy · 14/12/2019 20:10

I agree with the tenor of posts on this thread that YABU but I do sympathise with your situation.

Can not believe someone said this

Why are you struggling so much with only one child?

So twatty, like one child is a breeze and no one ought to find it hard even when the child is ill and not sleeping Hmm

RaeCJ82 · 14/12/2019 20:13

The twattiest comment is this one:

Shame your Mother raised such an entitled Daughter

Totally unnecessary and just plain rude!

NoSauce · 14/12/2019 20:20

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out

This doesn’t add up to what you’ve said in your latest post OP.

PinkiOcelot · 14/12/2019 20:21

What do you want her help with exactly?! Wiping your DD bum or something?
YABVU!!

Elbeagle · 14/12/2019 20:25

Why are you struggling so much with only one child?

Seriously? I have three DC. We’ve had some really tough times, including hospitalisations, all DC with scarlet fever at the same time, chicken pox one after the other... I still remember one of my toughest times as a parent being when DD1 was 13 months old (and still an only), she had hand, foot and mouth followed by impetigo almost immediately after, DH was working away and she basically whinged and cried for a month solid. No sleep. It was fucking horrific, despite me only having one at the time.

doritosdip · 14/12/2019 20:27

Your update post should have been your initial post.

Yanbu to struggle with your child being sick. ThanksThanksThanks

Yanbu to hope that the grandparents would help and to feel sad that you and your mum don't have a close relationship ThanksThanksThanks

Your mum is nbu to decline your request. 4 hours is a long way and she risks illness herself.

I hope that your dd gets better soon and your h has time off during the holidays. Thanks

Mamaofdos · 14/12/2019 20:29

I really hope your little one gets over their bug soon. Not getting your sleep is hard going. It’s a shame your mum can not be there to offer emotional support or adult company through things like FaceTime.

I just feel being a parent is for life. In the future knowing how hard it can be raising a family I would want to support my children at all ages and stages of their life.

It’s a long week not having adult company, lack of sleep and a little one that is poorly. Try and be kind to yourself. The days that you are off try and take it easy. When husband comes in from work go to bed and let him take over. Xx

Span1elsRock · 14/12/2019 20:30

It wasn't until I had my own children OP that I realised how disappointed I really was with my own mother.

It's kind of eye opening to know that at times when you need more love and support than you've ever done, it's just not there. And maybe never was.

Flowers
TechnicalSergeantGarp · 14/12/2019 20:30

I understand why you are sad. DM and DMIL both look after other GC but never mine. It feels like a rejection not only of me but also my DC which is much worse.

They provide wrap around care and drops off. No help whatsoever here, not for many bugs, not when we've been in hospital, not when we've been on our knees tired, not when childcare has broken down, never.

This question always ends up in a race to the bottom. I think GPs should play a supportive role.

I'll hopefully be blessed with GC, will have a good relationship with their parents and will be well enough to provide support.

skybluee · 14/12/2019 20:33

Sorry I can't read all of this but is there anyone else who can help you if you are struggling. Consider other people... and maybe ask her if she is OK/find out what's going on.

skybluee · 14/12/2019 20:39

people cope differently... all these people saying "grow up, you have one child, I have 3, blah blah" it's not a pissing contest. She said she is struggling, why are you being so nasty? I honestly feel sorry for the OP, I imagine I'd feel worse after reading all of this! And I agree with shoes saying your response is very measured (in a very good way) considering all of the responses.

skybluee · 14/12/2019 20:40

That is not aimed at you Elbeagle, it is aimed at the people earlier on who were writing that stuff.

RoseHippy1 · 14/12/2019 20:40

Omg op most people get much less help. I have 2u2, nearly bled to death Havibg the second and my mum came to help with my 1yo for 48 hours when I came out of hosp post c-section. Never had any other help despite them BOTH having norovirus and flu in the last few weeks (and I had it too)! I think as others have said YABU. I hope your dd gets better soon, I know how bloody brutal it is !

Onehundredandtwo · 14/12/2019 20:41

2 weeks is a long time to have a poorly baby. You must be feeling shattered and thoroughly fed up OP. And miserable for your little daughter.

You are missing your mum and sound like you need a little looking after which we can all feel no matter how grown up. Its odd that she made a huge effort initially and you feel doesn't want to spend time with you now. I wonder what's going on. Might be worth having a chat with her but perhaps not now while you are exhausted and feeling annoyed. She could have anything going on, or there could be a misunderstanding. Chat to her when things are back to normal

I hope your DD is better very soon.

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