Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

AHH the problem is she pretends to be helpful, then isn't. That is more annoying and disappointing than if they never made any helpful noises.

Looking after a healthy and (mainly) happy one-year-old by yourself while your partner works long hours is exhausting - coping with a sickly, unhappy, sleepless child in the same situation can grind you down completely. Presumably, you aren’t able to go out for more than a solitary walk with the buggy since you don’t want to spread the infection so you must be feeling pretty claustrophobic too. When you are past this, you will see the situation with some perspective - and not blame your DM for protecting herself - but at the moment, exhaustion, sleeplessness and worry are stopping you thinking straight. Sympathies, OP - I hope your DD turns a corner soon.

So all you would be totally happy to cancel on plans you made with mates to drive 8 hours to pick up a stomach bug a week before Xmas. Sure, you would!

Bugs knock me a lot harder than they used to, I wouldn't be pleased to pick one up and certainly wouldn't deliberately expose myself to one.

Very unreasonable single parent with an autistic child who hasn’t slept properly for over 10 years here, not anyone else’s job, help is to be appreciated not expected

My mum made it clear that she had raised her own kids and wasn’t going to be putting herself out for ours. Fair enough. However, now they are older and they are fairly independent, she is often sad that she doesn’t have a closer relationship with them. What is your OH doing that requires him to work long hours all week AND all weekend (other than avoiding being at home)?

FFS grow up. This is YOUR child and sometimes as a parent you have to suck it up and deal. Perhaps your mum and mil don't want the bug your child has. YOU are the parent and just fucking get on with it.

AHH the problem is she pretends to be helpful, then isn't. That is more annoying and disappointing than if they never made any helpful noises

That’s not true. She has been helpful. She just hasn’t felt able to help out while the baby has been ill. People are allowed to have their own lives you know.

No.
I don't think they should have to drop plans to benefit you.
They done all this years ago. Give them a break.
I wouldn't want to catch a bug either.
Your DH should be off work helping you even if it is for a day.
So much is expected of grandparents and I don't get why.
You had a child so get on with the responsibilities good or bad!

My in laws live 4 hours away, my parents live 1hour away. It would have to be a huge emergency for me to call either set of parents to help us out.

I think people are being unkind. You are having a hard time and you’d like some emotional and practical support - it’s not like you are asking for them to look after the child whilst you go off and do something fun. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Hope your dd gets better soon

Good grief this thread is full of sanctimonious wankers.

(with a few exceptions)

No I don't think you're being totally unreasonable OP. I think if your mum can see that you're struggling (or you're telling her this over the phone) and she is physically able to come and help, then that's what family do when they love and care for each other, they help each other out.
My mum passed away 5 years ago, but I know that if she was here and I called her up in similar circumstances, she'd be round like a shot to help me out.

YANBU to hope she might offer to help but YABVU to be snippy when she didn't. The child is yours. You and DH need to step up.

Sanctimonious wankers? What because a parent should be able to parent their own child without the expectation of help from grandparents? Sorry but a poorly 1yo only child us NOT an emergency and if the grandparents have other engagements so be it IMO

She is a 4 hour drive away!
That is not just a ‘pop down the road’
I am about that from my son and was from my parents. About 4 hours, could be up to 7!

It is your child, you have a partner, you need to take responsibility.

If an elderly parent phoned and said they were struggling, I imagine the consensus would be that you should visit. It works both ways.

I have a 20 month old daughter, she still doesn't sleep through the night, wakes up 3-4 times, that's significantly lowered since around 13 months, up until then a good 10 times, every hour basically.
I also was pregnant, was in hospital for 4 days, lost the baby at around 32 weeks - and had my daughter staying overnight with me, on my actual stomach while being cervically examined.

My sister in law, can't even go to a gp appointment with her daughter, and my mom just offers to take her daughter. Favouritism much? Nope, my mum lives 5 hours away so its not practical, Don't take it out on your mum, when we choose to have kids we need to imagine a world where we don't have no1 else to help with anything!

I've never had help ever, and tbh I've managed, but I can understand how it feels, but honestly how much could she help anyway if your dd is clingy? Just get your feet up and relax while she's sleeping (if only for a while)

YABU.

YABU for only being pissed off that your mum and your MIL haven't thrown in to 'help' with your child when you're struggling.

YABU for not demanding your DH step up more.

Do you only expect people with vaginas to be responsible for your child? Notice you're not calling out your own DH, your own dad or your FIL.

You work too. Tell your DH he needs to do more if you're struggling. That could mean hiring an occasional babysitter if he can't/won't do more and you don't force his hand.. You two chose to have the child, you two should be sorting it. Your parents have already raised children; not their job to raise yours.

Thanks for all the comments especially those who have offered support it really does help.

This thread has given me a bit of space to reflect. A lot of what I'm feeling is rejection. My mum has distanced herself from me, we go to visit because I miss her and at times I feel like she doesn't even want us there. The fact she won't come and stay with us even when I need help compounds this and makes me think my gut instinct about her not wanting us there is true.

I want my mum's company and she hasn't come to see us for 6 months, maybe more. Asking when in need of help and her saying no just makes me realise our relationship isn't what I thought it was and it makes me sad.

YANBU to ask and I would be (privately) disappointed that my mum wasn't able to help, even if they were just at the end of the phone as another adult to chat to.

I do think that expecting a 4hr drive in December where there's a high chance of catching a D&V bug right before Christmas, possibly ending up stranded, unwell at your house, was probably a bit too much though.

However, being home alone with a sick child for two weeks is stressful and tiring, especially if you've also now got the bug or expecting to get it. Your DH needs to step up when he's home from work and be doing 50% of the childcare etc at the weekends.

*the last couple of times I have asked for help she has said no"
Maybe, in addition to not wanting the stomach bug herself at christmas, she thinks that you're taking the piss and expecting her to drop everything and help out too frequently?

If an elderly parent phoned and said they were struggling, I imagine the consensus would be that you should visit. It works both ways.

I doubt that entirely if the issue were that the person has a contagious virus.

Shame your Mother raised such an entitled Daughter

OP you wrote want my mum's company and she hasn't come to see us for 6 months, maybe more. Asking when in need of help and her saying no just makes me realise our relationship isn't what I thought it was and it makes me sad.

But like ^PurpleCrazyHorse says I do think that expecting a 4hr drive in December where there's a high chance of catching a D&V bug right before Christmas, possibly ending up stranded, unwell at your house, was probably a bit too much though.*

I think you are being a little selfish in your thinking