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AIBU?

Just found out my DH was a virgin.

147 replies

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:20

My DH and I met when we were 30 years old and we have been together for 10 years. Yesterday he revealed he was a virgin when we met.

There have always been 'issues' within the bedroom. He never instigates anything and he would often lose interest half way through.
It made me feel he was disinterested in me, and over a period of time I couldn't help but feel rejected. We have talked and talked about it - trying to work out whether it's medical or psychological. I was sensing he wasn't very confident and I have asked him a few times whether he was a virgin when we met. He always said 'no'. Basically, I gave up trying over the years and our sex life dwindled away.

I don't know how to feel about the fact he didn't tell me this for ten years. Obviously I don't care that he was a virgin. But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything. I now know he was ashamed, worried and lacked confidence - I know it wasn't me! Or how he felt about me! If I'd known, I would have viewed everything differently and it would have helped so much. I feel bad I didn't make the first times extra special!

I'm feeling quite weird about it because we do have some issues in the relationship about him hiding little things from me. I feel distant from him at times, as if I don't know him (me telling him this, caused him to tell me the information). Is it understandable that he should keep this from me for so long? I suppose I just want some views on this situation.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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PicsInRed · 14/12/2019 12:32

It's more likely he was a virgin due to low libido than that he now has low libido due to previously being a virgin. Afterall, everyone was a virgin at some point.

You need to decide whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. This is highly unlikely to be a confidence or medical issue and - after all this time - he seems happy with the status quo, indifferent to your dissatisfaction and it's highly unlikely that he will change.

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Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:39

I'm not sure. He says he just didn't find the right girl. He was very focussed on work and sport. He went on lots of dates but says the girls he met were shallow and not what he was looking for in a partner.

He says he wants to have sex, but in the bedroom things often don't work and he does seem to lack confidence. If I asked him whether he has low libido, I know he'd say 'no'. ??

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Emeraldshamrock · 14/12/2019 12:41

Yanbu to be miffed by this revelation especially if he is having issues sexually.
It is a big secret to keep IMO.
Can you continue the relationship knowing sex may never improve.

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Emeraldshamrock · 14/12/2019 12:42

Can you change the setting from the bedroom he probably feels under pressure between the sheets.

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PicsInRed · 14/12/2019 12:44

What, all the girls he met were "shallow"? All of them? He didn't like any of them? He doesn't sound that fond of women in general.

He's telling you who he is.

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AnFiadhRuaRua · 14/12/2019 12:44

You said he loses / lost interest half way through. That's worrying! What would he rather be doing!? half way through sex, he thinks, no, I'd rather not.

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AnFiadhRuaRua · 14/12/2019 12:46

Madonna / Whore complexes on a spectrum too. Bit of that going on.
Maybe not that heterosexual either.??

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BlackCatSleeping · 14/12/2019 12:46

Do you think he might be gay? Asexual?

I think you have to understand who he is. Not who he says he is. Who he really is. Then decide if that is the person you want to be married to.

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PeachCupcake · 14/12/2019 12:47

My issue would be him lying for 10 years after you’ve outright asked him.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/12/2019 12:49

How convinced are you that he's telling the truth?

It seems absolutely bizarre that he wouldn't mention this before; if not near the beginning then during some of the presumably numerous conversations about your sex life?

This is highly unlikely to be a confidence or medical issue and - after all this time - he seems happy with the status quo, indifferent to your dissatisfaction and it's highly unlikely that he will change.

That's the pertinent fact, though. Regardless of him being a virgin or not, he's happy with how things are and he's not bothered that you're not.

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dontgobaconmyheart · 14/12/2019 12:50

It's a bit of a strange thing to lie about but i don't see the link really, he was only a virgin until the first time you had sex OP, after which he surely has the same amount of sexual experience as a lot of people, and plenty of time to acclimate to having sex, try new things, etc- if he had wanted to.

I wouldn't be too impressed with the way he is speaking about 'all' the women he met prior to you, it sounds more like he is trying to flatter you so you are less annoyed if anything. I wouldn't have thought this revelation will change much, especially not his libido, or his dishonesty. Could he be on the spectrum of asexual perhaps?

Virgin or not OP it wont change your relationship, you can't make something special for somebody if they aren't that fussed about it and it sounds a bit like he is sticking to telling you what you want to hear in order to stay together, even when his behaviours don't match what he is saying at all. Actions speak louder than words. I would consider if you are happy with this long term, rather than focus on the 'revelation' which seems a bit of a smokescreen.

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Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:53

PeachCupcake - I am a bit annoyed that he has kept this from me. His response was - 'Of course I couldn't tell you!'. I think he is so ashamed that he was 30 years old. He's also very good-looking - not the kind of man you'd think was a virgin at 30! However, combined with the fact that he can tell white lies, it's hard to not put it into the 'another lie' category.

He is actually a very kind, gentle, caring man, who does not have a bad word to say about anybody. He also has a lot of respect for women, so I don't think it's that. I have actually asked him a few times if he's gay! LOL. Don't think he is....

Basically, finding this out has helped a bit then, but not cleared up all of the confusion. I do understand that 'losing interest' is about him worrying, obviously. Not wishing he was skydiving instead.

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Theredjellybean · 14/12/2019 12:57

you could be me...my dexh had issues from when we met ( he was 26 , i was 22) ...i thought he was just less experienced than me.
Over the yrs it got worse and worse, he even had erectile dysfunction on our honeymoon.
we had not had any intimacy for 10 yrs when i met someone else..and i realised that i was infact attractive to men after all !
Long story short my dexh turned out to be gay, and had not had a sexual partner of either gender when we met ...wish i had known ...

OP ...the answer is not whether he lied or lied by omission or whatever..you cannot go back and change your sexual history with this man. It is what you both do now that matters.

I do not think he will change, and you need to decide whether your relationship as it is with no sex ( cus it will become celibate i can guarantee that) is enough for you .

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lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2019 12:58

Pretty odd that he'd still be 'worrying' after all this time with you. I don't think that's likely to be why he's losing interest.

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Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:58

I'm sure he's telling the truth about being a virgin. It makes sense.
I can understand why he would be ashamed at 30 - it's an old age for someone who is not a Christian and who people would presume is a bit of a stud. I think he worked it up into a big deal in his head and that it affected his performance. Would it still affect performance though? I don't feel we ever got over that hurdle.
I'm more bothered about the fact he did not tell me for so long.

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Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:01

Theredjellybean - 'he turned out to be gay'. Great..... :-O

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Sparklybaublefest · 14/12/2019 13:02

how can you only have just found this out?
did you never have discussions before?
and now you want this on mn?

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BlackCatSleeping · 14/12/2019 13:03

It doesn’t really make sense though does it?

The fact that he was a Virgin when you met doesn’t explain his loss of interest half-way through having sex.

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TheMustressMhor · 14/12/2019 13:03

OP - you have asked him if he thinks he is gay because in your heart you fear that he might be. Well, that is what I think, anyway.

My (now ex) husband was 30, and a virgin when we met. He did tell me and we married and had two DC. He also told me that he had thought for years that he was gay.

There were some clues about his true sexuality, now I look back. Gradually he lost all interest in sex. There were only certain ways he could reach orgasm. One night he came home at four in the morning, incredibly drunk (very, very unusual for this to happen) and he had a load of gay porn mags in his briefcase.

He said he could not remember where he had been.

I did not believe him.

Eventually we divorced. He had a (hidden) gay relationship with a close friend. When I say "hidden" I mean that he thought nobody knew. But the DC knew, and the friend told me anyway.

I could be wrong, but I do think that you suspect your DH is gay. Or bisexual. And maybe you're seeking reassurance.

I think you'll find (eventually) that he knows perfectly well what his sexuality is but he is afraid to tell you. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual if you are honest about it.

My ex was not honest. He was deeply ashamed, and that (and his inability to tell the truth about this and many other things) is what caused us to split up.

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Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:04

Sparklybaublefest - I've mentioned no names on MN, so what difference does it make.

Blackcatsleeping - Perhaps he has erectile disfunction? Or that combined with a lack of confidence?

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TheMustressMhor · 14/12/2019 13:05

I have actually asked him a few times if he's gay! LOL. Don't think he is.

I suspect that you do think so, though.

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Skagen · 14/12/2019 13:06

sparkly rtft.

We have talked and talked about it - trying to work out whether it's medical or psychological. I was sensing he wasn't very confident and I have asked him a few times whether he was a virgin when we met. He always said 'no'. Basically, I gave up trying over the years and our sex life dwindled away.

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UnaCorda · 14/12/2019 13:07

If I asked him whether he has low libido, I know he'd say 'no'. ??

I have actually asked him a few times if he's gay!

However, combined with the fact that he can tell white lies...

You asked him whether he was a virgin and he said no - in fact he carried on claiming he wasn't a virgin for a decade - so I think you have to take answers to probing questions about his sexuality with a large pinch of salt, unfortunately.

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Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:08

I have seen no signs whatsoever of gayness, except that he has had no long-term relationships, just some dates with girls through his 20's. But now I feel like asking him about it again, after reading this!

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DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/12/2019 13:09

My husband was a virgin when we met too. He was 41, I was 20 and really not a virgin. But he was honest and open about it from the start.

There seems to be a lot of shame floating about in his head, and until he deals with that I think the problem will persist. If he feels he can't talk to you about it, do you think he would consider a therapist?

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