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Just found out my DH was a virgin.

147 replies

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:20

My DH and I met when we were 30 years old and we have been together for 10 years. Yesterday he revealed he was a virgin when we met.

There have always been 'issues' within the bedroom. He never instigates anything and he would often lose interest half way through.
It made me feel he was disinterested in me, and over a period of time I couldn't help but feel rejected. We have talked and talked about it - trying to work out whether it's medical or psychological. I was sensing he wasn't very confident and I have asked him a few times whether he was a virgin when we met. He always said 'no'. Basically, I gave up trying over the years and our sex life dwindled away.

I don't know how to feel about the fact he didn't tell me this for ten years. Obviously I don't care that he was a virgin. But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything. I now know he was ashamed, worried and lacked confidence - I know it wasn't me! Or how he felt about me! If I'd known, I would have viewed everything differently and it would have helped so much. I feel bad I didn't make the first times extra special!

I'm feeling quite weird about it because we do have some issues in the relationship about him hiding little things from me. I feel distant from him at times, as if I don't know him (me telling him this, caused him to tell me the information). Is it understandable that he should keep this from me for so long? I suppose I just want some views on this situation.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Sagradafamiliar · 14/12/2019 14:13

It doesn't explain anything at all. We were all virgins at some point.
He seems asexual, gay, or has an extremely low libido. Perhaps 10 years of being asked if he was a virgin could have eroded confidence as well.

Josette77 · 14/12/2019 14:14

I should add my dh was a virgin when he met me. He loves sex and had never lost interest in the middle of it... I don't know why being a virgin explains his issues.

Thelnebriati · 14/12/2019 14:18

I know you think you've found the answer but you have been together for 10 years so it can't be it. You've had a sex life for 10 years and he doesn't engage with you.
I don't think he lacks confidence, and I don't think he has been searching for a solution - I think you have.

If his GP rules out a medical cause for his low libido then its possible he is either asexual or has a secret fantasy life, possibly one that involves a fetish such as cross dressing.

There are support forums for wives of cross dressers and many of them tell a similar story to yours;

  • lying, especially over things that dont matter so you call them ''white lies. He wont stop lying even when you ask him to.
  • low libido, little interest in sex.
  • Sometimes calls women names (when he doesn't like their behaviour) but at other times professes to hold them in high regard.

I think you need to find some support and think about what you want to do.
woodchuck99 · 14/12/2019 14:18

I think you're being a bit naïve OP. The fact that he was a virgin wouldn't affect your sex life 10 years later unless he was a virgin because he is not interested in sex with women. If he is genuinely good-looking then women would have been interested in him in his 20s and they can't all have been shallow or whatever excuse he gave for never being interested in anyone.
He is either gay or he has a very low libido. Either way it's highly unlikely to change unless there is a medical reason that can be treated.

woodchuck99 · 14/12/2019 14:19

I meant a medical reason for the low libido rather than for being gay obviously!

CleoCatsWhiskers · 14/12/2019 14:20

Sadly, the reason why he might have been a 'virgin' until his 30s may be due to childhood sexual abuse - it is not at all uncommon for people who've had CSA to put off getting involved in adult sexual relationships, and to have issues once they do start them. Do you think you could broach this with him?
If this does turn out to be the root of his problem, he should be encouraged to get some counselling; there is an excellent organisation called Survivors, which helps men who've experienced CSA.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2019 14:22

I don't know why being a virgin explains his issues

It doesn't, we were all virgins once. I think it's easier for the op to believe this and erectile dysfunction to explain it. Sometimes we all need something to cling to rather than face it.

Op what I don't understand is why post on here about it though? You must know people would respond honestly and point out your thought process is not just highly unlikely it's illogical.

You've been through something that must have destroyed your self esteem, thinking it was you for years, and he let you think it, before deciding to throw you this crumb, which you grasped onto. But you must have known mumsnet would say "eh what now". So why ask?

Ariesscientist90 · 14/12/2019 14:22

As a gay woman I am pretty sure your partner is gay, him being a virgin when you met does not explain why he loses interest in sex 10 years later at all. You say there’s no “signs” of him being gay, not every gay man is camp, and a lot of people in the closet become very good at projecting an image of being straight, I should know as I was in the closet for 25 years. The major signs that he’s gay are he was a virgin despite being good looking, sociable and dating women and that he has virtually no interest in sex with you. So he’s either asexual or gay imo.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2019 14:26

If he is genuinely good-looking then women would have been interested in him in his 20s and they can't all have been shallow or whatever excuse he gave for never being interested in anyone

Agree. And often natural instincts take over when it comes to sex in teens and early twenties. It's highly implausible that every single attractive woman he met was so shallow he couldn't possibly shag her and instead decided to refrain..

littlepaddypaws · 14/12/2019 14:29

seual psychotherapy could be useful or talking to relate.

Elbeagle · 14/12/2019 14:33

It sounds a lot like one of DH’s best friends. Very good looking guy, lots of dates in his 20’s, plenty of opportunities for sex but turned them down for various reasons like ‘she wasn’t the right girl for me’.
He came out at 32, very happy with his boyfriend now.

lexiepuppy · 14/12/2019 14:35

Does he have issues with his mother?
Do you think he might be enmeshed with her? Did she make him her surrogate husband?

Sometimes if they have had a pressurising mother and feel immense guilt/ anger/ love all mixed up they cannot have sex with their wife if they remind them of their mother.

Was he potentially molested/ abused as a child?

If you think he has mother issues buy the book: When he’s married to mom.

I think he might need counselling about suppressing stuff from his childhood.

TheMustressMhor · 14/12/2019 14:46

My ex still hides the fact that he's bisexual, by the way.

He finds it disgusting and refuses to admit to it.

laudete · 14/12/2019 15:06

I don't think he sounds gay. I think he sounds asexual. If he's a good spouse and father, maybe you could try accepting it? Tbh, I don't get the huge interest in sex but I'm ace too.

Justaboy · 14/12/2019 15:11

How very sad for you transformer123 and him:(

However i think this situation can be helped along a bit . I don't think he's gay and i don't think he's asexual either he may not be the best stallion around but i think his early upbringing has a lot to do with it.

Yes he has been living a lie but it's a horrendous embarrsement to admit to anyone that your 30 odd years old and never had sex in all that time most all men would think theres something "weird" about about that and the longer its been going on the worse its got for him.

It is quite possible that he was bought up like some girls are to "save" himself for Mr or MIss right and indeed I've met some girls as they were back then, not quite what I'd describe as grown up women, who did came across or were very shallow in outlook or nature as both sexes will find of the other.

So where do you go from here?. He seems from what you write a decnet man and I think you still despite this matter, think a lot of him and I bet he thinks a lot of you! least he ought as your coming across as a very understanding person.

We need to check out that he hasnt got anything physically wrong like early onset ED it is possible in relativly young men then he and perhaps you need to talk to someone who can help out. Best port of Call is relate they if they can't help can point you in the right direction and he at least ought to see his GP.

Anyways all the best you you and your man, hope you can work something out!..

Pinkblueberry · 14/12/2019 15:11

But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything.

Does it? It doesn’t take much sex, especially when you always have the same partner, to learn what you’re doing. I think there are still other things going on here. You don’t need to have had multiple partners to be confident in the bedroom.

billy1966 · 14/12/2019 15:49


Sorry OP, but I think Pics has nailed it.

The being a virgin is a red herring in all of this.
Him finding all women before you shallow is key here.
He is not being honest with you, at all.
Nor has he ever been.


jb7445 · 14/12/2019 15:51

OP, please look into asexuality. Your husband sounds just like mine. He's a heteromantic asexual which means he loves me, he loves hugging and kissing and he finds me beautiful but the sexual attraction just isn't there. It's not erectile dysfunction or being gay. I think if he is asexual you need to decide if you can deal with that and if so, find a way to make it work. Apologies for the TMI but we very rarely have actual PIV sex...there are other ways to be pleased and if your husband loves you he will do those things even if he gets nothing out of it!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 14/12/2019 15:58

Him being a virgin when you met is not the reason he can’t/won’t have sex with you now op. It really isn’t.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 14/12/2019 16:26

Sorry to blunt, but, he managed it the night both your kids were conceived, right ?

It's just the, 'recreational sex' that he does not like. Well, not with women anyway.

Ask him if there's ever been anyone else he's wanted sexually in the last ten years (aside from pop singers, actresses/actors etc.) His response could be very telling i.e. has he cheated with either man or woman. Does he use porn ? If so, is it women or men that turn him on more ?

I agree with a PP that believes that he's been pretty much dishonest and manipulative in his relationship with you.

Lilymossflower · 14/12/2019 16:28

The bottom line is your aren't happy

You deserve to feel appreichiated and attractive

Don't stay together just for the kids.
The kids can still see you both. And its a better example to set to them to be seen happy than to be seen sticking with something that is not making you happy.

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 16:33

Justaboy - I agree.
He arrived back home a few hours ago, so I asked some questions. He said that in the middle of the act he starts worrying that it's not going to 'work', and then it makes it not work.

He said that in the period before me, the girls he was sexually attracted to and wanted a relationship with, never liked him back and turned him down or ended it quickly when an ex came on the scene. He went on a lot of dates, but he always knew in the back of his mind that they were not 'the one'. He did sexual things with them, but not the full act as he didn't let it get that far.

He said his parents had a bad relationship and he was waiting for the 'perfect' one to come along. Although, he'd realised by the time he met me that there was no perfect (thanks! Although I know what he means!).

He was really embarrassed that he was still a virgin and vowed never to tell anyone, including me.

OP posts:
selmabear · 14/12/2019 16:40

Keeping something like this a secret for 10 years is rather a strange thing to do. Nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age but not tell your partner that you love. I'm thinking there's more to the story. Would he agree to see his GP? There might be a medical condition to him 'loosing interest ' half way through or if it is confidence or perhaps anxiety issue then the GP may be able to give advice regarding that also. I hope he decides to work with you OP.

fpurplea · 14/12/2019 16:48

So how did this develop OP? Has it been like this right from the first time? Got worse since a marriage / children / a major life event? Are the times he does manage to complete different in some way? Is there some childhood issues at play here? (religion, homelife, bad experiences, abuse etc.) When you talk about it, what exactly does he say? And after 10 years of lying to you, what finally made him disclose it? (Apologies for the question dump lol!)

I think you're not going to get o the bottom of this until he comes clean. I think there is probably a lot of stuff in his head that he's keeping from you, through shame, guilt, trying to protect your feelings or maybe just doesn't see the relevance. The thought of you "trundling along" til death is pretty sad, especially if you are correct and in fact all of this is just caused by a mental hang-up. If he can deal with that then you BOTH get to enjoy sex out of it.

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 17:05

fplurplea - See above for what he says. It was like this right from the beginning. It got worse after we had children, and then I gave up trying as well. And basically, if I don't instigate it, he doesn't. I got fed up being the one always instigating - it did not feel good.

Sometimes it all works ok, but most of the time not. He will only do missionary position, as he says he can see my face, hold me and feel close to me. There may be childhood issues - his mum is very controlling. But I don't really think there was anything major.

He told me because I said I was unhappy - about a lot of things, many of which are not about him. But I did say I felt he was distant from me and that I feel I don't really know him. Also that he seems to hate talking about sex and won't face up to issues. So he said he made up his mind to tell me.

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