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Just found out my DH was a virgin.

147 replies

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:20

My DH and I met when we were 30 years old and we have been together for 10 years. Yesterday he revealed he was a virgin when we met.

There have always been 'issues' within the bedroom. He never instigates anything and he would often lose interest half way through.
It made me feel he was disinterested in me, and over a period of time I couldn't help but feel rejected. We have talked and talked about it - trying to work out whether it's medical or psychological. I was sensing he wasn't very confident and I have asked him a few times whether he was a virgin when we met. He always said 'no'. Basically, I gave up trying over the years and our sex life dwindled away.

I don't know how to feel about the fact he didn't tell me this for ten years. Obviously I don't care that he was a virgin. But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything. I now know he was ashamed, worried and lacked confidence - I know it wasn't me! Or how he felt about me! If I'd known, I would have viewed everything differently and it would have helped so much. I feel bad I didn't make the first times extra special!

I'm feeling quite weird about it because we do have some issues in the relationship about him hiding little things from me. I feel distant from him at times, as if I don't know him (me telling him this, caused him to tell me the information). Is it understandable that he should keep this from me for so long? I suppose I just want some views on this situation.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

rp30 · 14/12/2019 18:49

@Transformer123 "I have not mentioned names. And I will not be showing him this obviously! No-one could find out who we are, so what does that matter?"

I'm not sure that it does matter. Out of interest, do you think your husband would mind if he found this thread or if he knew that you posted about it?

Arguably, what was shared was personal to you both and you have invited the opinions of the public into a sensitive area of your marriage. I do not know whether this is a problem or not - but it is interesting.

You do seem desperate so it is understandable. And I know you have said that he is not communicative, so there's that too. Perhaps there are hidden advantages of keeping sertain matters confined to a relationship.

I'd be interested in learning the persepctive of silversurfer but do not wish to sidetrack from your thread.

StoutDrinker2019 · 14/12/2019 18:52

@Transformer123 there are some really ignorant and stupid comments on here so I'll cut to chase and then leave this thread a pple are annoying me. Your dh sounds a lot like mine, he was sexaully inexperienced, u confident and quite picky with women, but when I came along he knew I was 'the one'. He is also highly sensitive, very inituitive and emotional. Probably more so than me. Your dh has a classic case of Ed that is purely psychological in nature. He has allowed it to rule him to the point that it has dominated his sex life and whole approach to intimacy. You both need to see an experienced counsellor and sex therapist to work together on all this. But I think if you stay in this thread you are only going to get more of the same comments from people who have no idea what they are talking about. Sorry op, I hope some of this advice is helpful to you but I suspect as this thread has been totally detailed it has been very little use to you. All best to you and your dh. X

Bluerussian · 14/12/2019 19:04

My husband was a virgin when we started 'going out' aged 24. He had had a girlfriend in sixth form and they tried but the effort failed (bless. Not an unusual story). However he was not someone who believed in sex unless he really cared for someone. I was not a virgin btw.

Husband was quite normal and extremely loving and considerate, his lack of experience did not impair his performance. I would say my exoerience did impair sometimes though we worked it out.

Don't put pressure on your partner, op. In yeras gone by (before my time and I will be seventy very soon), people often stayed virgin until marriage but were able to have a fulfilling sex life.

These things take time, the important issue is whether or not you truly love each other in 'an all round' way.

SweetAsSpice · 14/12/2019 19:09

StoutDrinker2019 has given some excellent advice. And this may very well be the situation your husband is in. However, this is rare.

You can’t ignore the overwhelming response from pp about their actual experiences suggests that perhaps he is, struggling with his sexuality/asexual.

He lied to his mother growing, who wanted him to be the perfect person.

This struck me. That overwhelming pressure to be ‘perfect.’ Homophobia is very real, and very terrifying. Especially if your own parents are. You learn to hide it. Very well indeed.

Keep communicating with him OP. I wish you luck Flowers

SweetAsSpice · 14/12/2019 19:09

StoutDrinker2019 total bold fail, I’m not erasing you! Blush

SirGawain · 14/12/2019 20:00

30 - it's an old age for someone who is not a Christian
I don’t know what sort of Christians you have met but believe me, being one doesn’t automatically put you off sex and, (clutches pearls), some have it out of wedlock!

Stuffedcrust55 · 14/12/2019 20:16

OP I feel for you. My husband was a virgin when I met him when he was 24. I was quite experienced and the same age. We struggled to have sex for ages due to ED and I put it down to him being a virgin and honestly I didnt want to teach him. I didn't want to be the driver in bed and I'd had experienced partners so had never had to. Eventually we managed to have sex but he couldnt come without wanking. It's called delayed ejeculation. We have been together 25 years and have children aged 10 and 11. Weve had a few months where we can have normal sex but usually he needs to finish himself. I've put up with it all these years but now the kids are growing up I want a normal sex life, a quickie etc. I've had years of feeling it's all my fault, I'm not attractive enough etc and I honestly wish he would sleep with someone else just to see if it worked with them. If he had an affair its the first thing I would ask! We tried sex counselling but he just doesn't see it as an issue. He has a high sex drive and seems to find me attractive but I'm so angry at his lack of acceptance of how it affects me and his lack of desire to tackle it. He just doesn't see the issue. I've spoken about it with my best friend but she hasn't had sex with her husband for years and is happy with that so says at least we have sex. Now I'm no longer angry about the sex I'm angry about his reaction to me being unhappy with it. I'm still seen as the one who doesn't want sex as much as him even though I dont want it because it makes me feel unfulfilled and unattractive because of something only he can fix.

I dont know the root cause of his issues. Maybe too much wanking when he was younger. I've given up trying to fix it and I'm not sure our marriage will last long term, not because of crap sex but because he wont deal with it.

I feel for you. Hope your ok.

Insideimsprinting · 14/12/2019 20:32

There are many out their who would find being a virgin at that age weird and because of that I can understand why he didnt say anything and has issues. I have some issues in this area in the sense that if you told me I could never have sex again I wouldnt care. I dont need or really want that kind of physical relationship, there are many other areas of a marriage or long term relationship that means a lot more to me.

Im at a point in my marriage where Im now honest about it and thankfully for me or marriage as enough strength in other areas where things are fab but for many they wouldnt be able to be honest about it as they would know that it would be a deal breaker.

Sex isnt a a biggy for some and its actually not weird, it doesnt make them gay or mean theres a problem to be fixed or that they love their partner any less. The problem lies only of the couple cant work through it which will only happen if the other person ranks it high as part of their needs, unfortunatley there are more people in the later which makes it harder for those in my boat or for those in the ops hubbies boat.

wornoutboots · 14/12/2019 20:32

My husband was a virgin when we first met. He quite definitely does not have a low libedo

Low libido might explain why he was a virgin, but his lack of a previous sex life is not a cause of his lack of interest.

Everyone was a virgin until they had sex.
If Virginity caused low libido the species wouldn't have survived

Insideimsprinting · 14/12/2019 20:34

Posted to soon, it makes it harder to be honest from the start as our situation can be seen as weird etc and its hard to find like minded people as again we find it hard to be honest about it.

Insideimsprinting · 14/12/2019 20:39

Just read NettleTrees post, strangely I think I am on the spectrum and I think I acted in a way which was perceived the norm for many years and its only now having had my son diagnosed that I suspect Im on it and recognise things like this.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 14/12/2019 20:49

I think, simply put, he was a virgin when you two got together because he has a low libido. That has persisted throughout his marriage. I don;t think there is anything else much to this to be honest.

My first boyfriend had almost no libido. I found it immensely frustrating. He is married to a friend of mine. They have been married eighteen years and have only had sex ten times in that entire time. He is literally not interested. He makes a lot of jokes about sex but it's all bluff and bluster. She doesn't mind as she is the same.

Vanhi · 14/12/2019 21:28

The virginity thing is a red herring, I was 26/27 the first time I had sex, I hadn’t found anyone I felt safe enough to have sex with until then. It isn’t hugely unusual.

Likewise, I was distinctly older than average because I didn't find someone I trusted until I was older. It's common enough that Hollywood made The Forty Year Old Virgin which actually gives a good explanation for how it can happen without there necessarily being anything wrong beyond a lack of self confidence.

I did tell my first partner he was my first, right from the start. Sex with him was a bit meh if I'm honest. However, once I started to meet men I was more compatible with it was great. You can lose your virginity late and go on to have a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life.

There is something going on here OP. His being a virgin when you met is one small part of the puzzle, not the answer. It raises as many questions as it answers. The issue you have is that he isn't interested in sex now. So, you have three choices. 1. Decide you're OK with this and do nothing. 2. Decide you want to change it and work through it with him. 3. Decide you want to change things but can only do so by leaving. You might work through 2 to get to 3.

After 10 years if it's some sort of confidence issue it is very, very deeply ingrained and he will have to work very hard to make changes.

Butchyrestingface · 14/12/2019 21:35

I don’t know what sort of Christians you have met but believe me, being one doesn’t automatically put you off sex and, (clutches pearls), some have it out of wedlock!

The Christians I knew (and I know quite a few) who were opposed to pre-marital sex got married at significantly younger than 30. No long engagements for them.

Whattodoabout · 14/12/2019 21:46

It may just be as simple as him having low libido hence never having sex before he met you at 30. Perhaps he tried with other women but couldn’t get it up so felt ashamed and didn’t want to risk trying again. All sorts of psychological reasons why he was a Virgin at 30 and why he isn’t keen on sex now without jumping head first into the gay suggestion. He may also be asexual.

Dowser · 14/12/2019 21:50

My friends partner was 50 and still a virgin
When they got together
Lovely kind man but a bit on the spectrum
Some people might just be slow starters

kateandme · 14/12/2019 22:06

plus it doesnt mttr if hes been having sex or 10 years.something in him is still stuck in that horrible place when he couldnt/didnt want to have sex.and for him at that time i can imagnie being good looking man he probably had to hide it or thought he did.i mean what gorgeous bloke doesnt want sex every second right,or want to shag all around him?this is what im sure he got from his mates.or from the stigma of being young.but he didnt.and he got stuck.then lied.then put on a mask.then met the love of his life but the beliefs about himself and the actions and the triggers were all still he lied.then it built and he got more ashamed of lying and the couldnt perform and all this on top of the already ingrained shame and eeling towards himself meant he was doomed.
you need to talk to him.remind him and kep telling him it doesnt matter to you.
i get this has ben huge for you but imagine what its been like living with this.what your feeling now hes been feeling inside for so will tak time.and effort if you can.and hard work i expect.

CJsGoldfish · 14/12/2019 22:40

To be like this 10 years in is the worst of it. You gloss over the fact that he lies by saying it's only 'little' things. How would you know OP? This isn't a 'little' thing and he got away with it for 10 long years.

Why has he never been motivated to try and figure it out himself? Knowing how it make YOU feel and the affect it has on YOUR self worth, why has he never bothered to try and help that situation by seeking help? Ok, there is 'shame' attached but, for the love of my life, I'd do whatever I could to 'fix' whatever needed fixing.

It may be exactly what he's said, sure. I'm not sure you'd know though. 10 years is a very long time and he's not cared enough about you to do anything about it. He chose wisely, knowing your kindness and good nature meant he didn't have to bother.

NettleTea · 14/12/2019 23:29

I can imagine its very very embarassing for him to sort it out.

come on - we see men as the sexual performers every day - its considered the normal, its what men are supposed to be doing, chasing skirt, at it like dogs, sex on the mind every 20 seconds

But lots of men arent like that. lots of men dont want to be having sex with people that they dont feel deeply about, they feel sex is a very intimate thing and cant think of anything worse than being a love them and leave them stud around town

And plenty of men like other stuff better, they are just not that into it.

And some men have been made to feel bad because they dont like up to the macho stud role, so think there is something wrong with them

Or they have been made to feel that sex is dirty or shameful

Or they have built it to such significance that they are shitting bricks about doing it and doing it wrong

Some men have seen porn and it has messed their heads, it has frightened, repulsed and aroused them, and they have developed an issue because of that

there are so many things that can be going on, so many things that are nothing to do with him being gay

But I bet his parents are at the bottom of a good few

holidayhelpp · 15/12/2019 00:30

Another vote for gay, asexual or previous abuse.

RainMinusBow · 15/12/2019 00:50

My ex-husband wasn't gay - he just wasn't interested in sex. Although I'd had a long-term boyfriend prior to him who was interested in sex and with whom I shared a good sex life, I tried to tell myself that a loss of interest was a normal part of marriage. In reality it left me feeling inadequate and unattractive.

I now have a fiancé and things are great again. Interestingly enough, he had not had a great sex life with his ex-wife and like me, assumed that it was just how marriage was. He said he thought he also had a low libido because he'd sort of "switched off" from that side of things as I had also done in my marriage.

I'm 39 now so not exactly young but things are all good - I'm 16 weeks' pregnant and genuinely can't get enough of my fiancé at the moment! I blame the hormones!! It feels nice to still feel sexy as my body is changing Smile

Stuffedcrust55 · 18/12/2019 07:48

OP How are you?

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