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Just found out my DH was a virgin.

147 replies

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:20

My DH and I met when we were 30 years old and we have been together for 10 years. Yesterday he revealed he was a virgin when we met.

There have always been 'issues' within the bedroom. He never instigates anything and he would often lose interest half way through.
It made me feel he was disinterested in me, and over a period of time I couldn't help but feel rejected. We have talked and talked about it - trying to work out whether it's medical or psychological. I was sensing he wasn't very confident and I have asked him a few times whether he was a virgin when we met. He always said 'no'. Basically, I gave up trying over the years and our sex life dwindled away.

I don't know how to feel about the fact he didn't tell me this for ten years. Obviously I don't care that he was a virgin. But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything. I now know he was ashamed, worried and lacked confidence - I know it wasn't me! Or how he felt about me! If I'd known, I would have viewed everything differently and it would have helped so much. I feel bad I didn't make the first times extra special!

I'm feeling quite weird about it because we do have some issues in the relationship about him hiding little things from me. I feel distant from him at times, as if I don't know him (me telling him this, caused him to tell me the information). Is it understandable that he should keep this from me for so long? I suppose I just want some views on this situation.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

BlackCatSleeping · 14/12/2019 13:11

After 10 years a lack of confidence? He can get an erection though, can’t he?

It’s likely to be psychological but it all boils down to the same thing. A sexless marriage with a man who lies.

KatherineJaneway · 14/12/2019 13:11

Sounds like he is asexual and doesn't really know it. Wants to fit in to society's norms, wants a relationship and to be close to someone but is not interested in sex.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2019 13:11

Sorry op, but being a virgin would only explain the first few times, not a decade. I suspect you know that, and I also suspect you have asked him a few times if he's gay because deep down you think he is and he's decided to live a lie.

Loosing interest mid sex is nothing to do with the fact you were a virgin back in the day, you must know this.

TheMustressMhor · 14/12/2019 13:11

You say that you have seen no signs of gayness, Transformer but what signs do you expect to see, realistically?

He has erectile dysfunction. Gets aroused but cannot complete the job. Libido has generally dwindled away. Was a (heterosexual) virgin until age 30 and lied about it.

If he also tells white lies about other things and is actively defensive when you ask him if he thinks he is gay, I think you have your answer.

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:11

I have a 4 year old and a 7 year old child. He's a kind man.
What choice do I have other than to trundle along with this anyway?

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LarkDescending · 14/12/2019 13:14

Disinterest/dysfunction/avoidance isn’t always about being gay. In a relationship of mine it turned out to be linked to abuse/grooming as a child. I don’t think he consciously made the link himself until we had struggled for many years, and I had no idea of what he had been through.

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:15

The Mustress - I don't think erectile disfunction makes someone gay, or telling white lies either. Or being embarrassed about being a virgin at 30. That's a huge leap.

Don'tDribbleOntheCarpet - Thank you. There is a lot of shame attached it - in Society amongst men especially.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 14/12/2019 13:15

He wouldn't still have confidence issues from being a virgin when he hasn't been a virgin for 10 years now!

Kungfupanda67 · 14/12/2019 13:17

Also thinking he might be gay - especially as you mention him being very good looking, kind, sporty, generous... why else would it take him until he’s 30 to have any kind of relationship?

BarbedBloom · 14/12/2019 13:19

I slept with a virgin. He was inexperienced obviously but very keen and never lost interest halfway through and he got very good at it by the end because he wanted me to enjoy myself.

Some people are virgins later in life due to circumstance or choice, but combined with the rest of the information i would suggest he just isn't that interested in sex for whatever reason. It sounds like you have spent a while unpicking this without any real improvement. So the question is, can you live with things how they are now? I have ended relationships for sex related reasons as it is to me, others wouldn't be as worried.

londonrach · 14/12/2019 13:20

My dh was a virgin when he meet him again said nothing felt right before. However he loves sex now. Op i suspect your dh either has low sex drive or possibly is gay. Did he have any friends prior to meeting you.

Theredjellybean · 14/12/2019 13:20

sorry Transformer..your dh is exactly like my dex gay h

had had a few gfs in the past, nothign serious, good looking, charming, kind, gentle

desparately did not want to be gay, wanted a family, wife etc etc

hid / supressed his feelings for years

it actually makes me feel sad for him and all the other men out here who feel they cannot admit their sexuality

StoutDrinker2019 · 14/12/2019 13:20

Take heart, you can sort this if both of you are prepared to work at it. Consider a sex therapist or if that's too much then buy the New Male Sexuality by Bernice Zilbergeld. You must both read it and then talk about it together. It's honestly a revelation, there is so much pressure on men to perform in a certain way and so many men (and women) have just never really got in touch with their true sexual selves. If you love him and fancy him, of he loves you and fancies you then you've got no worries. It could be an exciting new journey of exploration for both of you. But the crux is he needs to be prepared to really talk about it, not just pay lip service. Hth xxx

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:21

Candyfloss - It would mean he had built sex up into a massive thing in his head - Thinking he'd be rubbish at it, and ashamed he hadn't done it at that age. That would cause worry and loss of erection. Perhaps there was some disfunction there already. Unfortunately, the issue could have persisted because I didn't know the reason why it wasn't working. So I did not deal with it in the best way, unfortunately. I took it personally, and would often cry or express that he made me feel unattractive, because I did not understand. That's why I wish he'd told me. Add my reaction to his already very low self-confidence and it turns into an issue that persists.

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Loftyswops988 · 14/12/2019 13:23

A girl I used to work with and her husband waited until marriage before they had sex and genuinely were such a sweet couple, but separated within a year as he had realised he was gay. They could have sex but he wasn't that fussed, she said he seemed almost bored. I guess because he hadn't had sex before with a man or a woman he didn't really know what he'd prefer sexually but just got on well with my colleague so went all in!

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:24

Thanks Stoutdrinker - I have hope. If it is something else then perhaps that will raise it's head, but you have to try.

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ShippingNews · 14/12/2019 13:24

I really wish he had told me because it explains everything

No it doesn't explain anything OP. The fact that he never lost his virginity for 30 years probably means that he never had a high sex drive to start with. Plenty of men have sex with "shallow women" when they are single, simply because they and the women enjoy sex. I'd put my money on him having a lifetime of low libido which has become more pronounced as time has gone on.

My DH was / is just the same , he needs to take Cialis to have any kind of sex these days, and even then he can lose interest ( and lose his erection) half way through because the medication doesn't work on his brain, just his penis IYSWIM.

You mention that you've never actually asked about his sex drive, just that you assume he'd deny it. Sorry but your communication seems very lacking . This is a subject which needs to be spoken about in a pretty direct fashion , as I well know . If you can't even ask him about this after 10 years, I'm not sure that this is fixable.

I'd suggest that he'd benefit from going to a men's clinic and to have a talk to the specialists there. But it's a pretty confronting experience, and if your DH is all that reticent about it he may not get any results. Good luck.

LemonPrism · 14/12/2019 13:24

To me, if a man thinks every woman he's ever dated is shallow ( he's 30, even if he only went on 5 dates a year for 10 years that's 50 women) then he just doesn't like women.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/12/2019 13:25

It depends though, if the reason he was a virgin was connected to feelings of shame, or other negative feelings about sex in general, then it might persist for a very long time.

OP, the fact that you speak so warmly about him tells me that you should make an effort to get him to talk this through- either with you or someone else. The fact that he told you this to make you feel less distant from him is encouraging too. This must be very difficult- my husband has ED and it is a very dispiriting thing to cope with (his is related to diabetes). But if you can get through this by talking it through then both of your lives could be so much better.

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:26

I'm really surprised so many people are just presuming he's gay! I feel sorry for all the men with erectile disfunction (if that's what this is), or low self-confidence sexually for some reason.

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Butchyrestingface · 14/12/2019 13:26

But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything

It certainly doesn’t explain someone losing interest half way through, especially repeatedly over the course pf a decade.

Either asexual or gay, I think.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 14/12/2019 13:28

Most people (if losing their virginity is a pleasant experience) can't get enough once it's gone. And their performance improves with experience. I'd say he either has an extremely low libido or he is gay.

He's as full of excuses as Carter has pills. He needs to see a urologist for a thorough medical exam to be sure there are no physical reasons for 'losing interest' (by which I believe you mean losing his erection) or lack of interest. Once that's ruled out, he needs to see either a counselor or sex therapist (a reputable one) to figure things out. If he won't then he IS either gay or has extremely low libido/asexual AND ha no interest in changing things.

Loftyswops988 · 14/12/2019 13:31

I think people are only assuming he's gay because of experience! Of course low libido and erectile dysfunction are a thing but often people think they are struggling with these issues when really they are gay and haven't realised. He might not be gay - but it is usually the most common explanation before a health reason

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:31

Dontdribbleonthecarpet - I agree.

Shippingnews - Believe me, I have asked everything, and very directly. He gets embarrassed and I get few answers. It's as if he does not know why it's happening himself (and he knew he was not telling me the virgin bit). That's why I gave up trying - both physically and talking about it. It became groundhog day.

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Supersimkin2 · 14/12/2019 13:32

The issue is about you, not him. Can you face a life without sex and a man who lies? With the added prospect of him finding a partner who does turn him on?

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