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Just found out my DH was a virgin.

147 replies

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 12:20

My DH and I met when we were 30 years old and we have been together for 10 years. Yesterday he revealed he was a virgin when we met.

There have always been 'issues' within the bedroom. He never instigates anything and he would often lose interest half way through.
It made me feel he was disinterested in me, and over a period of time I couldn't help but feel rejected. We have talked and talked about it - trying to work out whether it's medical or psychological. I was sensing he wasn't very confident and I have asked him a few times whether he was a virgin when we met. He always said 'no'. Basically, I gave up trying over the years and our sex life dwindled away.

I don't know how to feel about the fact he didn't tell me this for ten years. Obviously I don't care that he was a virgin. But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything. I now know he was ashamed, worried and lacked confidence - I know it wasn't me! Or how he felt about me! If I'd known, I would have viewed everything differently and it would have helped so much. I feel bad I didn't make the first times extra special!

I'm feeling quite weird about it because we do have some issues in the relationship about him hiding little things from me. I feel distant from him at times, as if I don't know him (me telling him this, caused him to tell me the information). Is it understandable that he should keep this from me for so long? I suppose I just want some views on this situation.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

ReturnofSaturn · 14/12/2019 13:35

Asexual or gay by the sounds of it.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 14/12/2019 13:35

His being a virgin when you met is neither here or there. You either enjoy sex with the person you're with or you don't. It's been 10 years, plenty of time to experiment, plenty of time to discover you, what you like, what turns you on, what turns him on, plenty of time to discover himself. To talk.

He's just not that into it. He has a psychological issue around it. He could be gay or asexual. It might be some preconceptions around women. It might be an inability to 'let go'. Could be low testosterone or some other hormonal problem.

I agree that it's a strange thing to keep from your partner, and it would tell me a lot about how intimate we really are that such a major thing was kept from me, so I would be hurt and frustrated. In fact very annoyed as you have been feeling rejected and probably self blaming to a certain extent.

But I doubt somehow he'll change into being an enthusiastic, initiative taking, sexual partner even after this revelation. It's not him having been a virgin you need to address. It's WHY he was a virgin for so long and what he's willing to do to address problems now, if anything.

A decent sex life you're both satisfied with is a valid expectation in marriage. Constant rejection is awful and can become a form of emotional abuse.

I hope you get some answers.

PetitTorteois · 14/12/2019 13:36

So basically I too used to think I'm not going to have sex with some random shallow guy. I seemed to have attracted only the shallow ones though. Then turned 20 and thought, hey this is rubbish! I'm 20 and would probably have to wait another 20 years to meet a worthy man to have sex with. So I had sex with pretty much random, often shallow, dudes as I just wanted to have sex! The fact he waited till he was 30 doesn't make any sense. He either isn't interested in sex full stop or not interested in sex with women.

Theredjellybean · 14/12/2019 13:37

Transformer...the two posters on here whose partners did turn out to be gay are both describing almost identical scenarios/histories to you and your DH.

I really hope that it is justt low confidence etc in your DH's case, but you seem determined that is what the problem is and you do not seem to want to consider anything else.

I wish you luck but can tell you I talked and talked and tried being kind and understanding, and i asked again and again how i could help build his confidence up/ was he just asexual etc etc....and all i ever gto back was ' its ok, no i like sex with you, no i am not gay, no i am not asexual, '...blah blah...and for yrs and yrs we were both unhappy

my dexh is now in a lovely relationship with his bf, i have a dp with whom i have a great sex life and while it has been up and down ( forgive the pun) when he has been stressed or working long hours, the difference is when that passes his sex drive bounces back, his confidence returns.

Can you have a conversation with your DH and ask him outright if it is a low confidence issue, can you go to a therapist or get a book to help.
Start from scratch so tto speak ?
I would have thought if he cared about you, loved you and did wantt to get 'better' at sex he would be trying ? not just giving up

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 13:38

He didn't find anyone who turned him on before me, so....good luck with that! Kind of like saying it's just that he finds me unattractive, hey? Lol

I can face a life with little sex, yes. The lying bit is more complex. He lied to his mother growing, who wanted him to be the perfect person. His lies are small and harmless, like a child trying to stay out of trouble. If he ever lied about anything really important - an affair, etc. I'd kick him out obviously. He also acknowledges that he tells little lies and has been working on it. There's been an improvement.

OP posts:
StoutDrinker2019 · 14/12/2019 13:39

I don't think he is gay. I think he is unconfident and totally clueless about what his body is doing. And very very ashamed. He may have got into habits like coming very fast when masterbating which then leads to issues with a partner. Honestly, trust me we have been through this and that book is incredible. Its got lots of understanding chapters about what desire and sex actually is about and then it gives you both practical exercises to try. We never needed a sex therapist. But we did have to work on it together. It was hard at times but now we are so connected and together it's fab. We've been married for well over 10 years and it was an issue right at the beginning and then came back after children(and a break from regular sex). But sex now is better than it ever has been. Good luck xxxx

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 14/12/2019 13:39

OP do you know anything about his past? Maybe he was sexually abused or groomed as a child? I agree with pp that if your DH sees every single woman he met before you as 'shallow' then something is wrong there.
I don't think 'I was a virgin 10 years ago' explains anything at all. Is DH the father of your children? Have you or your DH sought counselling? It could help.

Wonkydonkey44 · 14/12/2019 13:40

My ex wasn’t really into sex , turned out he just didn’t really fancy me anymore .
This won’t get any better unless HE wants it to . You either accept this or realise you both need different things from your marriage .

Good luck

Sparklybaublefest · 14/12/2019 13:44

ed is quite common on a honeymoon/wedding night

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 14/12/2019 13:45

Op, @StoutDrinker2019 gives some great advice. At this point you don't know if he's asexual, gay or just lacking in confidence and now fraught with anxiety because of the decades worth of struggle.

If it were me I would discuss taking things right back to the beginning. Take sex completely off the table for a set amount of time and work on cuddles/affection/closeness without the pressure of sex and in fact with the relief of knowing there will definitely be no sex. Once you're both finding that closeness you agree on a next step. In other words you concentrate of discovering each other without always having the issue of penetrative sex. The absolute key is to take the pressure and stress away and just focus on connecting.

At best you will both find a whole new world of sexual satisfaction and at worst you will discover that he is either gay/asexual/simply not interested and you will know you have done your best.

TheMustressMhor · 14/12/2019 13:47

I don't think erectile disfunction makes someone gay

No - but erectile dysfunction with you as a woman might point to a possibility that if he was having sex with a man he would not have erectile dysfunction.

You seem a little defensive about this, Transformer. It's as though you really do not want your husband to be gay - something else, maybe, but not that. And maybe he is picking up on that, and is not able to tell you.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2019 13:47

Agree, being a virgin when you met doesn't explain anything other than the first few times, we were all virgins once.

However you seem desperate to use this as the reason to explain it all away, like it's the least harmful for both of you, so it's easier for you to use this. I wonder if that's why he has said it, he wanted to give you something to cling to, to explain it away, even if it's not true.

StoutDrinker2019 · 14/12/2019 13:48

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix your advice is also spot on and exactly what the book suggests you do initially. Sex is off the table until you have read the whole book and then agreed how to move on from there with the exercises. And talked and talked and talked!

LyingWitchlnTheWardrobe · 14/12/2019 13:49

"He is actually a very kind, gentle, caring man, who does not have a bad word to say about anybody. He also has a lot of respect for women, so I don't think it's that. I have actually asked him a few times if he's gay! LOL. Don't think he is...."

He referred to previous female partners as 'shallow'. All of them (apparently).

He's not very honest generally, is he?

I can see you getting upset OP and other posters have nailed the relevant points I think but there must be a reason why you posted because you're not getting any information here that you don't already know.

You can trundle along (as you said), of course you can, but don't you deserve more than that?

user1471592953 · 14/12/2019 13:51

Hi OP,

The virginity may have been a thing initially but by this time don’t you suspect there is more to his lack of interest? Ten years’ practice with the woman he loves should have made things much more relaxed. If he still isn’t really interested and has difficulties, it is more likely to be something psychological. He may be gay or have a low sex drive. However the main point to consider is how he is addressing things to take your feelings into account. He is in a relationship and you’re affected by his attitude. In order for everything to work out, you need to know he cares about you - by being open with you and then seeking help to address the problem if it can be addressed (or just by being open, if it can’t).

Unless he does this, your relationship is doomed because your ego will continue to be chipped away by his lack of interest. You shouldn’t be subject to that forever and, if he does nothing, it may end up being you who has to make a decision about whether you can live with feeling constantly unattractive.

I was engaged to a man with ED. For ages, I didn’t really work out that he had a proper issue because it was sporadic and I thought it was normal to have problems from time to time, especially because he assured me nothing was wrong. When I eventually realised it was a long standing persistent issue and he admitted it, I said he needed to see a counsellor (having discussed the potential reasons) but he refused. I ended the relationship because I knew we would end up divorced. The main problem apart from the issue itself was his total lack of interest in addressing it - which to me said a lot about how he regarded me in the relationship.

Good luck.

PicsInRed · 14/12/2019 13:52

I'm really surprised so many people are just presuming he's gay! I feel sorry for all the men with erectile disfunction (if that's what this is), or low self-confidence sexually for some reason.

This is why he selected you to run his home and bear his children - you're a lovely person who he assumed would out up with a sexless life. My money is on asexual - and he really doesn't GAF that - as his "beard" of normalcy - you and your sexuality are effectively intended to be held hostage for a lifetime.

He knew, OP. He isn't confused, he knows he just isn't interested in sex - it's just that the hard truth is that he doesn't care how this affects you. He knowingly selected and used you and he really isn't as nice of a person underneath it all as the character he plays.

TheMustressMhor · 14/12/2019 13:52

It would be a great shame if you settled for less sex than you really want, Transformer.

It would also be a shame if you just "trundled along" without seeking counselling, which has the potential to vastly improve your sex life.

Your DH may not be gay (to me, it sounds like he is) but there is clearly a problem with sex, and the two of you are mis-matched.

As PP said - why should you settle for less?

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 14/12/2019 13:56

I can face a life with little sex, yes.

I can see someone making that decision if their life is otherwise financially comfortable, happy, and fulfilling. Just be aware that the day may come when you meet someone to whom you are very attracted to who is more than willing to have an affair. And cheating is WRONG no matter what.

The lying bit is more complex

The lying, on the other hand, is a dealbreaker. At least for me. I wouldn't stay married to someone I couldn't trust to tell me the truth. Little lies can be very destructive. And getting away with little lies often leads to telling big lies.

LyingWitchlnTheWardrobe · 14/12/2019 14:02

Reading YouretheChristmasCarcass's post I think that if I were in the same position as you OP, I'd revise my marriage. If I wanted to stay for the stability, kindness, all of those things, I'd tell my husband that I wanted an open marriage. That I no longer wanted to have sex with him - so that is off the table - and I'd be free to have all the sex I wanted.

I'd keep my home and stability. Presumably that's what he wants too?

You could both be happy with your 'trundling', you'd (and maybe he'd) be having the odd diversion from your contracted 'track'.

You can't change him, you can only change you.

TheMustressMhor · 14/12/2019 14:07

Well now - I would be wary of asking for an open marriage and then getting all the sex you're currently missing, elsewhere.

You run the great risk of finding someone who is far more attractive, in every way, than your husband is, and then wanting a divorce.

I would try to work on your marriage and figure out why your husband lies so often, before I requested an open marriage and went looking for sex somewhere else.

StoutDrinker2019 · 14/12/2019 14:07

@user1471592953 I'm sorry for that. You are right, if one half of you won't deal with it you are on a hiding to nothing. But it can be a very emotive, challenging issue that does need lots of support and understanding from a partner in order to get through it. And yes, it can fester for years and years. And often it is both parties that are contributing to that. In the sense that neither of you are prepared to dicuss the elephant in the ro as it were! Even in otherwise very loving, affectionate relationships.

WombatChocolate · 14/12/2019 14:09

You sound hugely conflicted. On one level you want to understand what his issues are - you have asked him if he's gay, if he was a virgin, about his past. However, you don't really seem to want to take on board the spoken or unspoken answers to the questions.

I understand you are married to him, have children and he is a lovely man. I understand that considering or deciding to end the relationship would be huge upheaval. I think you are fixating on the virgin thing to explain away his disinterest.....but it really doesn't explain it away. There will be other reasons for his disinterest and these are unlikely to go away.

So really the question is about if you want to remain in a pretty much sexless marriage. You can convince yourself it will change, but it probably won't after all this time. You have to decide if whether he tells you the real reason or even knows it himself, if you are happy to live with a suspicion of something you don't feel entirely happy about - either he might be gay or asexual.

The lies are rather odd, but I think a symptom of his sexuality and him knowing that the truth about his sexuality won't be pleasing to you....either he is gay or asexual. He clearly isn't honest and open about sexual things - not saying he was a virgin, to the woman he married is not open behaviour. It could stem from feeling ashamed of being a straight man with a normal sex drive who was a virgin, but most straight men wih a normal sex drive would quickly feel they could say they had been virgins even if they didn't before the first time - because after the event, they are no longer virgins and no longer have an issue which needs explaining. However, it seems to be he struggles to be honest with himself and certainly with you because he knows that sexually he is not what you want. The fact you have asked him questions will make him aware of your dissatisfaction.

Perhaps you need to have a more forthright conversation where you say clearly you are not happy and satisfied and ask him what the pair of you can do to resolve the situation. This might involve both of you attempting some therapy, it might involve some more honest information about his sexuality or it might involve deciding there isn't a solution because who he is sexually isn't compatible with you.

I can see how hugely painful this is and might become. It's about the man you love, your self esteem and your family life. Most straight women though would struggle to live with this long term, even if they try to for a number of years, but only you can decide. It really isn't about the fact he was a virgin for a long time, although him being a virgin for a long time might be because of the other possible issues.

Best wishes with moving forward.

Elbeagle · 14/12/2019 14:11

OP, you say ‘it explains everything’ but now does it explain him losing interest during sex?

Josette77 · 14/12/2019 14:11

I think he is likely gay, and I think a part of you knows it. I also think the fact he lies a lot would be very nerve wracking.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 14/12/2019 14:12

He is gay, he is trying to tell you.

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