Just found out my DH was a virgin.

[Transformer123]

My DH and I met when we were 30 years old and we have been together for 10 years. Yesterday he revealed he was a virgin when we met.

There have always been 'issues' within the bedroom. He never instigates anything and he would often lose interest half way through.
It made me feel he was disinterested in me, and over a period of time I couldn't help but feel rejected. We have talked and talked about it - trying to work out whether it's medical or psychological. I was sensing he wasn't very confident and I have asked him a few times whether he was a virgin when we met. He always said 'no'. Basically, I gave up trying over the years and our sex life dwindled away.

I don't know how to feel about the fact he didn't tell me this for ten years. Obviously I don't care that he was a virgin. But I really wish he had told me because it explains everything. I now know he was ashamed, worried and lacked confidence - I know it wasn't me! Or how he felt about me! If I'd known, I would have viewed everything differently and it would have helped so much. I feel bad I didn't make the first times extra special!

I'm feeling quite weird about it because we do have some issues in the relationship about him hiding little things from me. I feel distant from him at times, as if I don't know him (me telling him this, caused him to tell me the information). Is it understandable that he should keep this from me for so long? I suppose I just want some views on this situation.

[SilverySurfer]

Having plucked up the courage to tell you, I would be seriously pissed off if I were him, that you have posted about it on MN for complete strangers to pick over and comment. Is nothing private these days?

[Transformer123]

I have not mentioned names. And I will not be showing him this obviously! No-one could find out who we are, so what does that matter?

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

He said that in the middle of the act he starts worrying that it's not going to 'work', and then it makes it not work.

He said that in the period before me, the girls he was sexually attracted to and wanted a relationship with, never liked him back and turned him down or ended it quickly when an ex came on the scene. He went on a lot of dates, but he always knew in the back of his mind that they were not 'the one'. He did sexual things with them, but not the full act as he didn't let it get that far.

He said his parents had a bad relationship and he was waiting for the 'perfect' one to come along. Although, he'd realised by the time he met me that there was no perfect (thanks! Although I know what he means!).

He was really embarrassed that he was still a virgin and vowed never to tell anyone, including me

It's taken him ten years (and several out right denials) to tell you this ? Really ?

This is the sort of thing that he should have said within weeks or months of meeting you. Not years after getting married.

Who's drip feeding you or him ?

He only has to keep you hooked until your youngest child is 18. Either he's naive or you are.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

Having plucked up the courage to tell you, I would be seriously pissed off if I were him, that you have posted about it on MN for complete strangers to pick over and comment. Is nothing private these days?

Well you've read and commented so you've kind of undermined your own argument. But thanks for reminding her that she should suffer in silence. Let me guess. You're a man.

[Bluntness100]

Honestly op, the man has thrown you a bone, and it looks like it worked.

Cmon you know full well the fact he was a virgin a decade ago is not The cause of the issues, clearly he knows you well enough to know what would appease you and get you off the scent.

[SimonJT]

The virginity thing is a red herring, I was 26/27 the first time I had sex, I hadn’t found anyone I felt safe enough to have sex with until then. It isn’t hugely unusual.

The only thing that matters is, are you happy and fulfilled in your relationship? Or are the things that are missing going to become a bigger issue 5,10 or 15 years down the line?

[rp30]

@ToEarlyForDecorations

That does not make sense. It is highly unlikely that silverysurfer know's the OP's husband personaly whereas the OP obviously does know her husband.

SilverySurfer has made no comment on the situation regarding OP's husband.

So your point makes no sense.

If you want to share stuff people tell you online or are fine with other's doing that, then cool. But you should respond relevantly like for example, saying that this is anonymous or that the OP is stuck.

But it is an interesting point silverysurfer raises, I wonder if people in the position of OP's husband who are discussed online would mind. On MN it seems common of swapping genders around to consider that perspective - so that for example, that could be a man posting on a men's forum that his wife is bad in bed as she goes through the motions but seems disconnected from him and seems to get herself off quickly on her fantasies. But he just found out she slept with 2000 men. I'm not sure it would be bad if a man posted this and maybe the hypothetical woman would not mind?

[SimonJT]

@SilverySurfer No names etc have been given, the next door neighbour could be reading and have absolutely no idea who the thread is about.

[Andysbestadventure]

I'd suspect he was in the closet tbh OP, either gay, bi or Asexual.

Does he have interest in sex outside the bedroom? Porn? Erotica? Anything?

[EC22]

After 10 years him being a virgin when u met is neither here nor there. I do think it odd it’s taken all this time to tell you.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

That does not make sense.

Not to you, no.

It is highly unlikely that silverysurfer know's the OP's husband personaly whereas the OP obviously does know her husband.

Statement of the blindingly obvious.

SilverySurfer has made no comment on the situation regarding OP's husband.

Erm yes he did. Are you a right handed sock puppet or a left handed sock puppet ?

So your point makes no sense.

[Josette77]

Does he masturbate? What turns him on?

[rhubarbcrumbles]

I think he probably is gay.

[rp30]

@ToEarlyForDecorations

No, it should not make sense to anyone -

SilverSurfer said: "I would be seriously pissed off if I were him, that you have posted about it on MN for complete strangers to pick over and comment."

You said: "Well you've read and commented so you've kind of undermined your own argument. But thanks for reminding her that she should suffer in silence."

To break this down, he said that the OP has betrayed a confidence and he was shy about this aspect of his life which is now on the internet. SilverSurfer has not done the same as he has not shared any details of OP's husband.

I don't know what you're smoking but this is not the same at all.

As for me blingingly obvious, see above.

And finally, SilverSurfer has not shared the situation regarding the OP husband's life, i.e his former virginity and current sex life. He has commented on OP posting this online.

My point should make sense to drug free adults who are not so fixated with eating out on the candid details of other people's lives.

[RealBecca]

I dont think its cleared up anything. It sounds to me like hes just laid anoyher trail of breadcrumbs for you to follow to distract you for a while before you end up at the same place.

I actually think hes lying to you now becaise ita convenient to him and get you off his back for a while. Sorry.

[Rachelfromfriends1]

Honestly, if I met a 30 year old man who was a virgin I would be put off. It wouldn’t work. Not just because the sex wouldn’t be great (initially at least), but because there are probably other demons/issues going on. At the very minimum, he’s probably a man that simply isn’t interested in sex which makes him incompatible with a woman who is interested in sex & doesn’t want to give that up.

Now you’re married & have been with him for 10 years so a different situation. Realistically if you stay with him, you’re only going to have sex on seldom occasions for the rest of your life. How do you feel about that? It might be a dealbreaker, it might not, as you have already been with him for 10 years. He could see his doctor or look into counselling but if he just doesn’t have the libido, you can’t force him. Let’s be honest, at his age, he probably won’t change much & won’t become more romantic or intimate.

[SilverySurfer]

Thank you rp30

ToEarlyForDecorations I find it bizarre that you assume that I'm a man.. Do you think women are incapable of expressing my opinion.
The last time I looked I'm still as female as I have been for the last 70+ years.

Please show me where I have commented on the OP's DH other than to say if I were him I would be pissed off if I was made aware of this thread?

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

My point should make sense to drug free adults who are not so fixated with eating out on the candid details of other people's lives

Yet still you read and comment about the same, 'candid details of other people's lives' on a 'candid details of other peoples lives' forum.

No more bait for me please, I'm full.

Back on topic please.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

Does he masturbate? What turns him on?

This^

I suspect this thread is not going to be around for much longer.

[YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer]

I've had a partner in the past that had some sexual issues and I'll be completely honest I never once thought to ask them if they were gay. The fact you have asked your dh this question says a lot to me. Something made you ask that even if you say there are no "signs". The only other thought I have is does he masturbate? If he is truly just anxious being with you, or gay, I would think that he does. If he never does then it's more likely he is asexual. Since he is sharing stuff now, ask him if he ever masturbates (not in confrontational way though).

[Loftyswops988]

Everyone is pointing towards what seems pretty obvious and OP is avoiding it. Her DH has, as PP pointed out thrown her a bone. I doubt she's going to come back here

[PizzaExpressWoking]

Well he sounds like he has all sorts of issues.

Being a virgin at 30 was not a cause of those issues, it was a result of them, imo.

The real revelation here isn't that he was a virgin, it's that he was secretive and has lied to you. But then it sounds like he had form for that already.

I think the virginity thing in itself is a fairly minor thing compared with his general problems.

[SilverySurfer]

ToEarlyForDecorations

PS It's ToOEarlyForDecorations.

HTH

[rp30]

@ToEarlyForDecorations yes but neither silversurfer or myself have commented on OP's husbands former viriginity or sex life, nor have we shared the details of a conversation of anyone.

You're full of something but I don't think it is bait, ToEarlyForDecorations. (Plus why are you using that username when we are just 2 weeks away from Christmas?)

It is true that we could be said to have promoted OP by clicking on her thread and reading it, but she would not gain anything from that and we did not know until we read the thread.

I'm glad that you have finally dropped your argument that SilverSurfer was a hypocrite for calling out the OP because her comment is entirely different to what she criticised the OP of. Your silence speaks volume.

Yeah, I too would try to get out of your blunder by talking about the thread being derailed but you shlould go and look for your apology and if you find it, send it to silversurfer. Plus you inccrectly believed she was a man and seemed disparaging about that.

I don't neccesarily agree with silversufer but it is an interesting point. Would OP's husband be offended by this thread and would a woman be offended if a man posted about say her being disconnected in sex and that he had just found out she had slept with 2000 men. I sincerely do not wish divert from OP's thread but I don't seem the harm in silversurfer sharing her point, particularly as seniors are more discrete and maybe younger generations overshare online, irrespective of anonymity?

[NettleTea]

erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety is common. asexuality can be quite common, especially in the autistic community where he might 'play the role' of being the perfect boyfriend but it goes against his nature and he loses interest. Having had a mother who was controlling and expected her son to be perfect can mess up with your mind and impact the sex life, especially if he thinks it needs to be perfect, and then starts worrying that it will go wrong, and it has done in the past. It becomes a self fullfilling roundabout.
Having had the controlling mother and all the stuff which he may have struggled to get over after the initial hiccups, you moving into ;mum' role may have easily made it all resurface again, as we all know that family stuff from our own childhood often surfaces when you become a parent. add this to the low libido. and hey presto, here we are.
Counselling to unpick it, if you are unhappy, if HE is unhappy. But realise that this is not to do with you. His sexual performance / libido/ interest has never been anything to do with you - in fact the fact that he even had sex with you and a relationship with you is a sign that you were worth it.
Women have all sorts of sexual issues, I really hate the automatic assumption that a man must be gay because he is having some sort of sexual dysfunction or isnt raring to go 24/7. Not all men are.