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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my mother

282 replies

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 19:44

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
Jeeperscreepers69 · 14/12/2019 17:43

Ring jane cancel but tell her shes welcome to come round for lunch maybe on xmas day?? That way u could offer to walk her home 6ish. Job done

BloggersBlog · 14/12/2019 17:50

@Jeeperscreepers69 it's been sorted

SmudgeButt · 14/12/2019 17:53

Buy some seafood on the 20th. Leave it on the radiator for 3 days and you, OH & DSs eat it on the 23rd. Cue the worst bouts of food poisoning possible.

And then Jane can help your mom look after you all.

aHintOfPercy · 14/12/2019 17:56

Have you never asked Jane why she doesn't return the invitation?
I would at a chosen moment and enjoy seeing her squirm. I have a friend who's brilliant at this, she would just say "It's your turn hosting next time isnt it Jane?" She's shamed several people in our circle into reciprocating hospitality.

Tistheseason17 · 14/12/2019 18:02

I don't think this is over....

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2019 18:03

@HyacynthBucket
This doesn’t seem to be the case with Jane. However, if she doesn’t want to invite anyone around to her house, she has the option of paying to take op out for a meal. It is plain rude she does not reciprocate in some way as I made clear in my posts.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2019 18:06

@Tistheseason17

I don't think this is over....

It's over, I assure you.

OP posts:
custardbear · 14/12/2019 18:09

Glad it's all sorted - parents are shocking!!

My MIL thinks that it's ok to be piasedniff that if me and my DH decide to take our family to my family for Christmas then she automatically offers to host everyone ... except my family find her a dragon (she is!) and don't want to waste Christmas being guided by whatever her mood decides to be so always turn her down ... she doesn't get it - 'they always turn me
Down! ' ... yes, because sometimes they want to host and invite family and not be a guest in a weird place where they've
Only met you a few dozen times over the last quarter century
Have a great Christmas

Tistheseason17 · 14/12/2019 18:14

@Aquamarine1029
Until the next time....
BTW - I think you did great - exactly what I would have done, thing is CFs like this have a habit of repeating said behaviour...

HeronLanyon · 14/12/2019 18:15

love all good. Apols if I upset YOU! Grin

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 18:17

imo your mother has made Jane into her pet

Jazmeena · 14/12/2019 18:22

Definitely not on. She should of, at the very least, discussed it with you first. I'd go ahead and speak to Jane, it's your home

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2019 18:24

@Tistheseason17

I really don't think there will be a next time. As I've said before, my mother has never done anything like this in the past, except for when I was a teen and she "volunteered" me to babysit for her friend, and that only happened twice and I put an end to it. That was over 30 years ago, so clearly not a continuing issue.

I think my mum got caught up in the moment and spoke before she engaged her brain. After the absolute bollocking she's gotten from me and my dad, she won't be doing this again.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 14/12/2019 18:25

@HeronLanyon all good :)

SauvignonBlanche · 14/12/2019 18:26

Glad it’s sorted.

hazell42 · 14/12/2019 18:42

Hav you actually told her that her friend isn nsuffereable and you feel uncomfortable

If you have just been sucking it up she probably thinks it's been fun all these years

hazell42 · 14/12/2019 18:43

Sorry. Ignore

rp30 · 14/12/2019 18:56

It was arguably inconsiderate of your mother but I think that you have to let it slide. It is your mother, she should feel comfortable making herself feel at home. You do not know how long you will have her and she will have her friend.

I think most of us are in debt to our parents, so I'd let it slide and try to focus on the fact that you are making your mother happy and being kind to an elderly lady.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2019 19:07

Ofgs

@rp30 rtft!

RubyD · 14/12/2019 19:08

Unbelievable! Definitely you are within your rights to call and cancel Jane. I think good to set boundaries otherwise it will happen every year from now on...xx

rp30 · 14/12/2019 19:15

@Nanny0gg don't get your pants in a bunch, I just read the thread. Ok it is too late for my point but stand by it in that I think she should had honoured her mother's agreement. The lady has been invited on Christmas Day so maybe there is a trend. It is her mother and it would seem that the OP does not mind catering for her but does not like that she was invited before she was consulted.

Our parents won't be here forever and it is a good thing that they feel they can invite people to our houses. Though it can be annoying, the alternative of a distant parental relationship is far worse. Havign her around probably means a lot to that lady.

StrangeLookingParasite · 14/12/2019 19:16

I'm glad it's sorted (and I think your Dad's fantastic), but I just wanted to add that you don't ever invite people to someone else's house without asking them, full stop, end of story, regardless of the relationship. It's incredibly rude.

LovePoppy · 14/12/2019 19:18

@rp30 It was arguably inconsiderate of your mother but I think that you have to let it slide. It is your mother, she should feel comfortable making herself feel at home. You do not know how long you will have her and she will have her friend

It’s not cool to guilt people that their parents might die soon.

Also, it’s not her mothers home, she’s a guest.

Boundaries are not a bad thing.

Tistheseason17 · 14/12/2019 19:18

I'm starting to feel sorry for OP's mum Grin

Jack80 · 14/12/2019 19:24

Tell your mum you want a family only christmas and Jane come for drinks or not at all