To be really upset with my mother

[Aquamarine1029]

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

@LovePoppy Am I allowed to share my thoughts about this. If so, I have ageing parents and I am conscious that our time together is not guaranteed. Particuarly as their peers are passing and they are aware of it too. So if I were in OP's position and declined, should something happen before the next Christmas to the lady or OP's mother, I would feel bad. It is not about guilting anyone.

It may not be her mother's home and she may be a guest but her mother presumably shared their own home for probably 2 decades. I'm sure OP's friends were allowed over, with permission, but OP's mother is probably ageing and if she invited her without checking, ti would not be the same.

I don't even think she OP's mother is a guest, she is family. What's mine is yours etc, within reason.

I'm sure Op's mother has done a lot for her. If she wants to invite her friend, I don't think it is so bad. Who knows how long they have together and Christmas can be very lonely.

Op i know you offered to have jane for lunch/ a drink either xmas eve or boxing day as a good gesture but she may take the huff now and not come at all.

Do you think you mum will be annoyed if she doesn't see her at all?

Glad you sorted it Op.

id be totally well p**d off and my daughter would if id done that to her. terrible, why dont you tel Jane, say sorry mum invited you to stay, Mum didnt realise you had made other plans, say how awful you feel mum embarrassed ect but shes more than welcome to come for Christmas lunch but youve arranged to go out in the evening/other friends visiting, your hubby is happy to walk your mum and Jane back to hers afterwards. Then you can have some "family" time, set a time say 6pm or something. think id be inclined to book a panto or something and tell your mum she should of checked with you as youd arranged to go out. as others said it will eat away at you if you dont say anything.

Do you think you mum will be annoyed if she doesn't see her at all?

Mum is free to make plans with Jane that doesn’t involve OP her family or even DDad - We know she’s capable of making arrangements!

Glad you've called her out on her behaviour and are making her correct it. Not reasonable behaviour on her part. She caused the problem, she can sort it.

I would suggest that, as DM is so concerned about Jane being on her own, she stays with Jane over the festive period and they both come over for Christmas dinner. Good luck

Am I allowed to share my thoughts about this.

Why do people do this? Someone disagreeing with you is not silencing you. See, you're still here, still posting, still saying whatever you like.
You are free to speak; others are free to disagree.

And your argument is spurious anyway. It doesn't matter what the relationship is, or the state of health of the people; you don't invite people to someone else's house without having previously asked them if it was OK.

@StrangeLookingParasite I did "this" because it was alleged that I was trying to guilt trip the OP. I just want to share my point not "guilt people out". So in fact I do feel I was being silenced. Yes I am still here but I would not like to feel that I was guilting anyone, so ofcourse it can make someone reluctant to continue with a chain of thought.

Maybe people have felt silenced by you as you talk nonsense, aggresively?

I would had thought that was an easy and obvious observation.

It may be a "spurious" argument to you but it is key to me. As I said previously, obviously her mother should had asked first. But this lady has been invited for previous Christmas Day meals; is a friend of her mother for maybe 40 years; and it is her mother, not a loose acquaintance.

The OP has said she is able to have the lady over, the lady lives ten minutes away but far from her mother and she is fine about her coming when asked first. Is this about ettiquette, control, principle or something else?

If it is so imporant to be pedantic about the principle of it being checked first, then buly for you. For me, family is more important than formality and rules and if someone is comfortable to invite someone over and it is viable, then I'm pleased we have that relationship. Life is too short.

@rp30

I don't even think she OP's mother is a guest, she is family. What's mine is yours etc, within reason.

Yes, within reason. What my mother did was completely unreasonable. Inviting Jane for 3 days and 2 nights without my permission is over-stepping the mark by about 500 miles.

If she had invited Jane for Christmas Eve dinner and Boxing Day lunch, I would have been annoyed that she didn't talk to me about it first, but I doubt I would have made a peep.

I find it interesting that you have so little regard for everyone involved. What about my husband? He shouldn't be considered in all this? It's perfectly fine for my mother to dictate what goes on in his home? I was just supposed to say this is what's happening and tough shit if you don't agree?

What about my children? We haven't seen our son since July due to him living away and the extensive travel he does for his job. He arrives Christmas eve and has to leave very early on the 27th. Our time with him and his sister is so precious, but I guess that doesn't matter either?

I love my mother. Of course she has done a lot for me. I have also done a lot for her. That doesn't give permission to either of us to be disrespectful and steamroll each other's lives.

I have always accommodated my mother's needs and wants. I have always made her feel welcome in my home. This situation was not acceptable.

But it isn't her home? You need to respect other peoples home and space. I wouldn't dream of inviting one of my friends to my mothers house for nights at a time and at Christmas

The being steamrolled into things sounds familiar. I think my Mum forgets l work full time and l do have my own life. Ironically she is retired but is somewhat less enthusiastic about volunteering herself

My mother is quite like the way your Mother is with Jane e.g. my auntie rocks up for Christmas for a fortnight, never contributes anything but more then eats her fill. Is a fussy eater so for events tries to steer the food to what she wants e.g. demanding the restaurant for my graduation be changed as she didn't like the menu 🙄. However, l don't feed into any of this as l don't see the need. Which l can tell my Mum thinks lm dreadful for. But she has the sense to realise that if she did raise it with me, then l would request a justification for why such behaviour is required and she wouldn't be able to....

What your mother did is not right. But that is the case with humans. 3 days and 2 nights is a lot. But it appears you have invited her for other Christmas's and are in a position to do so. So how much of a jump it is in, in the view of a reasonable third party (not someone ona forum but a hypothetical person who has witnessed you all and previous years etc) is hard to say.

But from what you say, I don't think it is as extreme as it first appeared.

If you were upset, just speak to your mother and negotiate a compromise, if you could not accomodate her request. It's not major.

Your husband married you and therefore married into the family. I would expect him to adjust and compromise too. I understand how it can be annoying and difficult but this is a small cost of having a fammily. He is reaping the fruits of your parents's toil. ANyway, you did not say too much about him and your ire was marked as very much your own for your own reasons.

I think this is about control or something else. But almost everyone here has similar views to you. I find it odd, though.

I don;t see the impact it will have on your children. At our Christmases, people hang out with the people they want to hang out. presumably the lady will talk to your mother mostly, followed by your father and maybe you all to a lesser extent. Christmas is usually about being lounging so I expect the amount of time she depleted from your children's interaction with others would be minimal.

I do not think she steamrolled yoru life, that's dramatic in my view. She's gone over board and made a boo boo. Who know's why. Maybe she is afriad of being alone or sympathises with her friend or just didn't think. But it is realtively harmless mistake.

It is not for you to say if you have always "accommodated my mother's needs and wants" and "I have always made her feel welcome in my home", that is for your parents to assess.

But anyway, you have done what you wanted, you felt outraged, it is sorted, most people agree with you, and you think your mother did it by a mistake. I personally think it is minor but I'm all about the family, whether that is mine or by marriage and also it is traditional in our circles to invite those at a lose end. Not for 2 nights but if it happened, no loss of sleep. If my mother invited people without speaking to us, it would be really annoying but eventually i calm down and all is ok. It's the cost of doing business, in this case being close to family and putting up with their annoyances.

OP could you somehow suggest to your Mum that she stays with Jane so that they can catch up. It seems odd that she never stays there and then visits you for a meal. As your children are there for such a short time you must get this point over to her and while you are at it tell your Mum that your husband has had enough as he has only “tolerated” Jane to be polite and after all it is his home. I would ensure any spare bedrooms were in use, even it means a workmate and a carpentry project

@rp30 but it wasn’t a request, or even a discussion. It was a done deal where Mum had decided what she wanted and pressed on issuing invites without asking the actual hosts

Maybe people have felt silenced by you as you talk nonsense, aggresively?

Such nice. Much charming.

@rp30

If you were upset, just speak to your mother and negotiate a compromise, if you could not accomodate her request. It's not major.

There was no "compromise" to be had. The invitation was extended and accepted without me even knowing about it. You can't compromise about something you don't know about, but I would have been happy to if given the opportunity. I have let my mother know that Jane is welcome for Christmas Eve food and drinks and Boxing Day lunch. I think that is being more than accommodating.

@EL8888 yes it was not right. OP said she thinks her mother got carried away. Her mother won't withdraw the invite, but to be fair I would also feel awkward as her mother.

There may had not been a discussion but that does not prevent one from happening after.

But to be honest, I think life is too short. it is good the OP can be open with her mother though and share how she really feels.

OP, I've read through, and honestly, I think you have your father to thank for your decent relationship with your mum, and your own input too, if course.

My spidey senses tell me that your mother could've been very different without your father's involvement... the fact that she first started trying to plan things when you were a teenager. you and your dad are very good at boundaries.

I truly envy you your dad, and your husband. I've been standing up to my mother for 30 years, but very much having to justify my behaviour to others.

Meanwhile, I am interested in your description of Jane. We have 3 family friends who have lived alone pretty much their entire lives, and they all share these characteristics.

Nice people, but I think there's something about not having to compromise, and deal with living with others, that makes you behave differently. Please don't freak out at me if you live alone, I'm just seeing Jane as similar. Not all single people!

Have a fabulous, well adjusted Christmas! (and maybe a bit )

@rp30 maybe her mother’s awkwardness may remind her not to do things like this in the future?

@EL8888 maybe but there's only so much time in life to do things to help out and make our parents happy. It's those momories that we can carry with us. If her mother remembers not to invite her friend again, then it is one less opportunity to amek her mother smile by having her friend around.

Though I know the lady is still invited on two days.

This reminds me of in early 2000s, when my Mum phoned me to say my cousin had a job in our city and she had told him he could live with us, as we had a spare room. He did stay with us for several months. He was hard work (talked A LOT and messy) but he passed away a few years ago in his 40s and in retrospect I am glad we got to know him better.
However, my Mum should never have invited him on our behalf. I don't know what she was thinking!
We all need to remember this when we are parents of adult children.

just a little cautionary thought which, I hope, is probably irrelevant.
you say that this behaviour by your mother surprised even you.
behaving oddly, not observing social niceties, not understanding how one's actions affect others, can be a sign of cognitive impairment.

@sahbear I see your point, but like you say, you are glad you got ot know him better. Families are annoying and difficult but those memories are great and it is really good that you that relationship with your mother that you allowed your cousin to stay and your mother felt free enough to invite him. It is lovely that parents feel that free. I think with families, inconveniences are good and helps people to be more flexible. Our generation in our family are not good at keeping in touch, it helps when the older generations force it a bit.

Never mind the Mum, my sympathy is with your Dad!

Hope things work out ok for you all.

Wow just read the first post 😳 and whizzed through the rest!

I think you sound VERY accommodating to allow Jane to come Christmas Eva and Boxing Day under the circumstances.

The rest was a real piss take so it's good to hear you've put your foot down 👍🏼