To be really upset with my mother

[Aquamarine1029]

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

@Jux

I feel terrible that he's been made so upset by this. I adore him!

So do you have confirmation that this has all been sorted?
Also, you need to have firm words with your mother.

I know exactly the sort of person Jane is, I am sure she'll be fine and dandy with the status quo, and no need for her to be installed in your ensuite for days!

If she is so particular then I am surprised she agreed to the invite...maybe your mother bullied her into it, made out the invitation came from you and that's why she is mortified about having to take it back?

ANyhooooo...good on you for not taking her nonsense and your DF too for taking charge!

Don't worry Aquamarine1029 that isn't how you're coming across. You like Jane, sure, but you don't like your mother making inconvenient social arrangements without consulting you - as any adult wouldn't!!

In a situation where the guest were in danger, were vulnerable, were in desparate need of companionship or assistance over the Christmas period, of course you would invite that person (yourself!) However, this is not that situation.

Given that Jane has a lovely home, and had a high flying career, and has no children, I wondered if what lay behind your mother’s odd behaviour was perhaps .... the possibility of securing an inheritance for you! (Absolutely not meant to be rude, because many older people do think of that possibility, in my experience.) Perhaps she thought an extended stay, with the right water and no garlic, might inspire Jane in this respect.....

@Weenurse

So do you have confirmation that this has all been sorted? Also, you need to have firm words with your mother.

I told my mother she has until end of day tomorrow to handle this, and my dad has assured me he will if she won't. And my dad does not fuck around. I assure you, I had very firm words with her. This fuckwittery will not be entertained or tolerated.

Oooooo my mum is your mum in around 10-20 years time

Basically you ring Jane up and go think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. And that whilst it would be lovely to see you for a egg nog / mulled wine or whatever but the house is rather full now your son is home or whatever plans.

But in general you have my sympathy because mothers like ours are a big of a nightmare

My mum was notorious for steamrollering over my plans - (the volunteering me without consultation, gaslighting me when I pushed back or refused, humiliating me publicly when I actually had other things on rather than admit that she’s fucked up in the first place, etc.... And as for Christmas, don’t get me started.... with my eldest dc’s first Christmas, she decided to throw an epic tantrum because she didn’t have any intention of coming around at the agreed time for the breakfast I’d been slaving over, in an effort to bully me into going around to her cast of thousands event. When I didn’t, she drove drunk and hurled abuse and presents over my fence when I refused to let her into my house as my husband’s 96 year old grandmother was there.) My father’s reaction was “You know what she’s like.... what do you want me to do about it?” *I have a bit of a crush on your dad right now.

Yay! Glad to read a thread where the op has sorted things by the time I get to it. Fair play to you for standing up to your mum and telling her it was not acceptable to invite Jane.

YANBU at all. How rude of your mother. I imagine you will be told you are making a big fuss by your mother if you just tell her no.

Could you say unfortunately you can't have Jane stay as DH has visitors ( who mysteriously can't make it last minute, don't give her time to negotiate with you). How about DM stay with Jane? How fun! if you are feeling generous maybe you could spring for theatre tickets or something for them to bog off together for a day and you and your family get some time together or at least DM doesn't get murdered

Just read the update, good work Dad!

I have come across this attitude with my older relatives - that it's terribly sad not to have a husband and children.

I think, in large part, it's to do with what happens after retirement when you no longer have a career and are alone at home with no company on a quiet evening in in front of the tv, and without anyone to spend birthdays or Christmases with, no visiting or being visited. I think your mum has been anticipating that this is where Jane would find herself, and indeed to some extent, she has.

So, in anticipation that Jane would likely end up alone in her home, your mum stared calling her "poor Jane", perhaps. I used to be at the receiving end of the 'poor' stuff from some relatives, myself, because I liked living alone, liked working and generally avoided my relatives' attempts at matchmaking - and I was in my 30s!!! I suspect that your mum is just following generations' worth of people's attitudes towards spinsters, probably without realising that's what she's doing.

Supremely rude of your mum.
I think I would see if booking taxis to and fro for Jane would sort it out ?
If not, cos my lovely old mum died recently and I am in a peaceful conciliatory kind of head space, I would suck it up and make sure next year you do what you want where you want with the people you want. This would probably involve sorting Christmas out firmly with everyone early (sept?) and a really firm chat with your mum about no further guests at all (possibly Jane for tea on Boxing Day or whatever).
Life is too short to have meltdown over something which in reality doesn’t really matter.
I do understand that I’m in a different headspace and after losing both parents recently lots of minor things really don’t matter the way they would have.
Hope you have a good one whatever happens op.

Apols for not reading updates. My mumsnet setting has changed to only show 5 posts per thread and I’m struggling to change it back.
Well done ops dad. Have fun op.

I do want to make it clear that my husband and I don't dislike Jane.

There are some people that I absolutely adore but I wouldn’t be pleased if they were to be invited to my house over Christmas by someone else. I think you’ve made it clear that Jane is not the issue, it’s the invite on your behalf that you did not issue or agree with.

I would absolutely die on this hill.

Life is too short now two weeks before Christmas to die on this hill. Sort it for next year. One ruined/compromised Christmas really is not the end of the world surely (see above for my unusual headspace but I feel this strongly).

Has your mother sorted it yet @Aquamarine1029

@HeronLanyon I’m sorry for your loss but this Life is too short to have meltdown over something which in reality doesn’t really matter. Is perfect advice for OPs mum. To OP, this does matter.

Many posters have explained why, if she lets it go this year, it will be tradition.

Why ruin any Christmas memories?

Interestingly, my mother had form for this kind of thing when I was in my late teens. She would "volunteer" me for things without discussing it with me first. It didn't go on long because I put a very firm end to it.

Reading that, I think you’ve done the right thing!

my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

I would tell her that Jane is her guest and she can be the one to buy special water, ask if she’s hot or cold etc etc

I would also say to your parents (dad too so he knows how you feel) that in the x years you’ve lived there, you have invited her round for dinner x times but you have NEVER been invited to hers and think that’s actually really rude! I’d like to know why she thinks that’s ok?

Good on your Dad!!!!!

Funnily enough - I also know a Jane (probably we all do).

A person who is very nice, and helpful, and very kind - but also VERY HARD WORK!

With "my" Jane, she is the only one who knows how to do anything properly and will bustle about, bossing everyone else, complaining about the way things have been done, re-doing them etc , and never listens to a word anyone ever says . . . but if there's even a hint of criticism about anything she's said or done (and she says and does a lot of silly, offensive, irritating things without meaning to) she always manages to pick up on that, and usually can be found sobbing quietly to herself waiting for someone to find her, drag out of her what has happened, and then reassure her that [whatever thoughtless horror she has perpetrated] isn't really so bad, and to tell off whoever has upset her.

She really is very, very hard work.

I'd hate to spend Christmas with her - in fact I stopped going to a choir because she'd offered me a lift, it had become a regular lift, and there was no way I could get out of accepting the lift and continue to attend the sessions (she had to pass my home to get there), so, rather than tell her I could not bear to spend half an hour each way in her company in the confined space of the car, I stopped singing.

I am a bad person. . . .