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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my mother

282 replies

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 19:44

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 14/12/2019 13:17

love - I get it. Understand. Was worried relationship with ma for this one fed up Christmas might be damaged. I too would have been livid in earlier times.

strawberry2017 · 14/12/2019 13:17

3 days! Wow
Your mum must be mad lol
Glad you and your dad are on the same page. Hope you get it sorted. X

GreenTulips · 14/12/2019 13:18

It’s odd Jane doesn’t extend an invite.

You’d think your DM and Jane would like some privacy to catch up without other adults always around.

Londongirl86 · 14/12/2019 13:20

That's intrusive and rude. I dunno how to suggest to handle it because my mum wouldn't do this.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 14/12/2019 13:32

Agree with GreenTulips - you would expect Jane to ask your mother to go for a meal occasionally - or even to stay for a girly night every now and then.

Fr0g · 14/12/2019 13:38

tell your Mother to stay at Jane's, and invite yourself and family over for afternoon tea at some point.

FrostythefeckinSnowman · 14/12/2019 13:45

Have you never asked Jane why she doesn't return the invitation?
I would at a chosen moment and enjoy seeing her squirm.
I think you've been very kind to extend an invitation to her for many years and she's taken it and you for granted. It can be hard work hosting (and trying to make things special for that person) and she obviously doesn't value your family enough to put herself out for you.

1forAll74 · 14/12/2019 13:46

I think that you now have to be very firm with your Mother about this situation, and that she now has to alter this great plan of hers.It's rude,and unfair,that she makes plans like this.

You are going to be agitated from now,until Christmas,if things don't change. And I am surprised,that Jane would think that this is a good plan,as in being in your home for all that time.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/12/2019 14:23

Hi jane I'm sorry but my mums off her meds,shes told you 2 day invite when it was supposed to be for 2 hours.I hope you understand it would be so hard to accommodate house guests for that length of time.Let me know which day suits you over xmas and we can arrange,looking forward to. seeing you.

Job done.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/12/2019 14:24

Just realised it was 3 days,well you get my drift

LovePoppy · 14/12/2019 14:34

@HeronLanyon, so you don’t think I don’t get it, I do. My mother passed when I was a child.

What this did for me was to cement that my memories are worth fighting for. My wants matter.

Wonkybanana · 14/12/2019 15:14

Methinks Dad doesn't share his wife's enthusiasm for Jane, and feels the same way about her as the OP does. And is therefore just as horrified at the thought of spending three days with her.

Beseen19 · 14/12/2019 15:28

My parents always have the singles on christmas dinner and invited along my aunts MIL. She was the most awful woman who was very right wing, racist and homophobic. Her husband cheated on her and she made her 3 CHILDREN (not even 10) never speak to him again. Her daughter wrote him when she was 12 and she kicked her out and never had anything to do with her, hasn't even met her own grandchildren.

My DH and I stopped spending christmas with my parents as we couldn't stand to listen to this woman share her toxic views for even a few hours. Never mind the fact that it's all just so much more formal when there are non family members invited. So please don't cave as you may find your grown up children as less happy to spend the day at yours once they settle with partners and kids and other options.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2019 15:41

@LovePoppy

Yes, it's taken care of. My dad let me know that my mother called Jane. I have no idea what she said and I'm not going to ask. As far as I'm concerned, the matter is closed. I am quite certain my mother will never pull this stunt again.

OP posts:
I8toys · 14/12/2019 15:44

YANBU - tell her to go to Jane's and let your Dad stay at yours. Ridiculous. The nerve of her!

HeronLanyon · 14/12/2019 15:46

love I said I did get it !! Really sorry for your early loss. I was careful in my first post say I was in a very particular head space. Thought I was in a space I could say that without criticism ? Haven’t for a second suggested you (or anyone else) don’t get it. I even accepted I too would have been livid. Not sure why you’ve taken offence (maybe you haven’t in which case I’ve read it wrong).

cstaff · 14/12/2019 15:47

Nicely played OP and fair play to your dad. It must have been nice to know he had your back.

selmabear · 14/12/2019 15:52

Fuck that! I'd be livid! Remind your mother that this your your house not hers! How would she react if you invited someone to stay over at her property without asking her first for 3 whole nights. She wouldn't take too kindly to the news and would probably tell you where to go. You're already doing more than enough by inviting Jane over. Call your mother, tell her christmas is stressful enough as it is without
having another person stay over, remind her Jane only lives 10 minutes away and end the conversation with "I would understand if you would prefer to stop over at Jane's over the Christmas break" and see what she says. And when Jane is at your house and your mother is fussing tell your mother that both you and Jane are bloody adults and you're sure Jane is more than capable of telling your herself if she needs anything!

livefornaps · 14/12/2019 16:44

Is your mum having an affair with jane?

LovePoppy · 14/12/2019 16:51

@Aquamarine1029 I’m so relieved for you!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday

LovePoppy · 14/12/2019 16:53

@HeronLanyon I guess I was just reiterating the point that we shouldn’t live for other people’s happiness at the expense of our own.

I’m sorry if I upset you.

billy1966 · 14/12/2019 17:22

Well done OP, for rightly prioritising your husband and children.

Your mother frightfully rude and disrespectful to do this.

I do think it's CF territory that Jane never returns the hospitality or invites your parents, when they come to visit you.

It sounds like she suits herself.
Perhaps you ought to too.

You are setting this up to be a tradition!
Be aware of that.

Your father sounds like a lovely, rational man.

HyacynthBucket · 14/12/2019 17:30

to Mummyoflittledragon and others who think Jane should reciprocate the invitations - I just wanted to make the point that some people cannot do so because of issues they have with their home. In particular, some people are hoarders and cannot have anyone come into their space, however much they might want to. It is not that uncommon for a house to be so chocked with stuff that the person who lives there can hardly move in the space, and cannot live normally there - sleeping in armchairs, for example, because they cannot get to their bed, and cannot get repairmen in when plumbing and heating etc. go wrong. I know of three elderly people like this in different parts of the country. Though not knowing Jane's situation, the fact that she does not invite back may not because she "cannot be arsed".

nuxe1984 · 14/12/2019 17:36

You've got YOUR family coming. I would contact Jane and say sorry but it's not convenient. Jane's not your friend. If she never talks to you again then you've lost nothing.
And tell your mother that it's your home and she has no right to invite people over, especially at Christmas when you are planning catching up with your DC.
If she doesn't like it and decides not to come then that's her decision.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 14/12/2019 17:43

Hyacinth

From *OP's Post on p2

Jane was divorced 40 years ago, never remarried and never had children. She has a lovely home that I have been in briefly several times.

So it doesn't appear that she is a hoarder - or even that she has a dog (say) which causes problems when people visit (I'm looking at you, SchadenDog3 - those nuts are coming off if that disgraceful behaviour doesn't stop! Xmas Angry)

It appears that everyone involved has just got into a pattern of accommodating Jane. OP is wise to draw a line under this now.