Disagree with husband about childbirth

[soshnomore]

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
How will he know, or you give a fuck for his 'forgiveness', as surely when you choose to get pregnant, it won't be HIS baby?

I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it
Oh now I SEE.
Not only knows better than 51% of the population - he is actually better qualified than obsgyn experts. What a paragon of mighty intellect!
No wonder you can't wait to get up the duff by him & be shackled to his splendid oratory & misogynistic preaching for the next 19 years.

and has "had his last word on it".
Glad to hear it. Bye, Felicia!

There’s being ill- informed and then there’s this.

You could say his ideas about birth would be almost abusive to you in that position.

If you are planning to stay with him and have children with him then I would suggest you get someone else (your mother or a friend?) to be a your birthing partner. He can wait outside until after the baby is born like men did for centuries of he wants to be so old fashioned about it. That way he will never know what decisions you make about your body during your labour.

I am thinking of a Joan Rivers sketch - I'm sure its on youtube - natural childbirth -" Like pulling your lower lip over your head. "

So if he punches you, does that make you love him more?

Definitely reconsider. He does not love you equally think how you'll feel years and years on with these opinions they don't disappear overnight. My dad was like your dh and it made me so disgusted as a woman that a man could speak to someone like this (my mother) I am now nc. Is that the environment you want to raise dc in?!

So you’re going to go on and have children with a misogynistic arsehole. You chose this life but your future kids didn’t. I think you have a duty to your children to have a long hard think about what you’re about to do. I feel very sorry for your kids already. Would it not be better to leave him before having kids, forget about him forever and find a man that cares about you and respects you? You’re worth more than this.

LTB

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
He can fuck right off. He doesn't have to go through childbirth. You do so therefore your decision.
It's irrelevant which birth method you want to have as circumstances can often mean that you have to have a c-section or that a water birth or home birth cannot happen etc.
Your body. Your decision together with doctors/midwives/nurses depending on your circumstances.

He just has some old fashioned views (traditional Arab Muslim, whereas I am a very liberal Western Muslim) that I cannot get my head around.

He just has some old fashioned views... honestly this is a nightmare waiting to happen. A close relative of mine was married to someone like this and it wasn't so bad before the wedding - she also thought he just had a few traditional ideas and it wouldn't affect her that much as up to that point he had been very respectful of her, listening to her views etcetc. After their first child was born things went pear-shaped very fast - it was at this point that his real attitude to women in general and his wife in particular started to come out. She's happily divorced now but she's had a hell of a time.

I wouldn't have a baby with this man. He is showing you who he is and you need to listen to this. This will not be the first thing he "puts his foot down" about.

'No wonder you can't wait to get up the duff by him & be shackled to his splendid oratory & misogynistic preaching for the next 19 years.'

Indeed. Not to mention that your child, especially if it's a daughter, would also be shackled to his attitudes.

Also there's nothing in islam which says water births are not allowed so long as no men are in the room...

I find it immensely troubling that you would stay and willingly have children with this man.

Partners are meant to respect and care about your mental and physical well-being. Why are your expectations so low that this is the man you want as a role model to your son, or a father to your daughter? It's chilling.

Your DH has told you who he is before children; helpful, because now you know what being the mother of his children will be like.

What about non childbirth related things?
Will he change nappies? Wake up at night?
Or is he ‘ill informed’ about those too?
Will he insist you breastfeed?
Will he ‘let’ you work and ‘allow’ the child to be in childcare?
Will he expect you to do everything as you are the mother so it’s ‘natural’?
In fact does he do any housework now? Any? Or does he ‘help’ when he can?

The only good thing is your original post is that you are not pregnant yet. You're making excuses about him being ill-informed.
There is nothing to be ill-informed about - he's saying he'd rather see you in excruciating pain than happy and relaxed - because these are his ideals.
No way would I be with someone let alone have children with someone who puts their own distorted ideology before my welfare.
He's a twat and you'd be better off cutting ties now and finding someone else.

Do not have children with this man.

This will only be the start of his controlling, sexist, disrespectful behaviour. You will be much more vulnerable when pregnant, post birth, trying to raise children.
Please leave him before all this happens.

^^a million times this.

Do not have children with this man. For their sake as much as yours.

So he wants you to suffer?
He has no business having an opinion anyway. If he’s so traditional he should stay the fuck out of women’s issues.

Water birth creates a calmer environment for the mother, it’s a natural pain relief, why wouldn’t he want you to be relaxed and less stressed which stress could bring difficulties to your labour. As for the more pain better bond, I’ve read stories about women not wanting to hold their baby or struggling to love them because of the damage they caused through child birth.

I'm just gobsmacked, not to mention the bit about pain increasing the bond - that's almost sadistic!

What's with the "almost", @Bluebutterfly90?
Not having a pop at you btw, am equally gobsmacked, but also convinced that his reasoning is 100% motivated by sadism.
Women must suffer birth pangs, the worse the better for their unworthy souls, for they are the font of all evil & must be punished.

Some bloke said so a few millenia ago, & it's in some old books, so it's obviously true.

It's fear of women's power, & a desire to control, hurt & humiliate us. A desperately unattractive, but depressingly prevalent trait in the less enlightened males of our society.

Your husband is a tool. Tell him when he gives birth he's welcome to do it any way he pleases.

Take someone else along as your birth partner someone who listens to you and your wishes as the mother and whose body it is.

Or better still, don't have children with this man.

I’ve never said this to anyone but I genuinely feel sorry for any daughters that you may have with this man, it doesn’t sound as though they will have a happy time or be empowered to live their lives freely.

What country are you living in OP?

He's showing you huge red flags. Do not have a baby with him. It will get worse once you are pregnant and then once you have the baby.

@soshnomore have you discussed all other aspects of having a child?

If he has 'traditional' views they won't stop there.

He'll abuse you and use those 'traditional views' as his justification.

This is a rare unicorn moment, OP, where you have been given a glimpse of your future. You can leave him now, or you can come on MN a year from now, complaining that your husband won't help with the baby and have a million people ask why you had a baby with such a jerk. Choose wisely.

I don't know why you're doing the smiley face. NOTHING about this is funny.

He's not ill informed he's a cunt.

You won't leave because you love him? Please read other threads on here where women's lives are destroyed by men like this. Then you have children and become financially dependent on him and you actually can't leave him.

Don't give me this I can't because I love him crap. That's insulting to many other women who are trapped in horrific relationships and actually can't leave.

Give your head a fucking wobble and put your unborn children, their mental health and self esteem before your 'love' and yourself.